MCU APPEARANCE MANDATORY FOR ALL ACTORS

BREAKING NEWS – With news that the final hold-out actor, Will Poulter has joined Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3, The Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) have declared an MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors. The Exec spoke with SAGA representative Joleen Knuckles to explain why the MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors.

Joleen, Why Is An MCU Appearance Mandatory For All Actors?

I don’t think ‘mandatory’ is the right word for it. I would say that it’s suggested. It’s just better for everyone, if you catch my drift.

What Do You Mean By That?

Let me put it this way, have you ever tried to put out a fire when your hands have been cut off? No, of course you haven’t. But then again, you aint a fully paid up member of The Screen Actor’s Guild. That fucking punk, Poulter thought he didn’t have to appear in a Marvel film. That is, until Rocko, Stabber and Fucknugget paid him a visit. He saw sense pretty soon after that.

But There Are Lots Of Actors Who Haven’t Appeared In A Marvel Production.

Oh, yeah? Like who? Hang on, wait, let me get my notebook out.

Timothee Chalamet. He Said In A Recent Interview He Wouldn’t Appear In A Super Hero Movie.

Who does that skinny fuckin’ twiglet think he is? Does he know who he’s messing with here? We’re the god-damned SAG. That piece of shit. You wait until I speak to his agent. I’ll have that mofo hanging out of his penthouse balcony by his ankles before he can say ‘Martin Scorsese’. Who else is holding out on us?

I Think You Now Have Every Living Actor Signed Up.

We aint stopping there. We can deep-fake the dead ones. That’s basically what we do with Chris Pratt anyway. We’ll start with Yul Bryner as Professor Charles Xavier in an X-Men reboot. Because they haven’t done that franchise for a couple of years.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3 Enters Production Shortly

DISNEY AUTO SALES OPENS

With the money they have made from reneging on Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow contract, Disney Auto Sales opens franchises nationwide. Disney Auto Sales opens stores run by honest and hardworking car salesmen and women who are ready to sell their own grandmothers for a profit.

 

Disney Auto Sales Opens With Mickey Mouse Prices

 


The Mickey Mouse movie studio look set to face court action with Scarlett Johansson. But they are busy hiding away their money like Scrooge McDuck in their brand new venture of second-hand car sales. Their advertising campaign states: “You’d be a real Dumbo not to take advantage of our goofy prices! No wonder Herbie went Bananas when he saw how Stuart little we were asking for great family cars. Anyone would think we were Robin Hood with these enchanted prices.”

 

Marvel-lous Car Prices

 

“With marvel-lously low prices, it’s no wonder our cars are going quicker than Lightning McQueen. You’d be dopey to not take advantage! With our prices frozen for only a short time you’ll need to bolt to your closest store. Be brave and pick up a bargain car today. Just be careful not to wreck it Ralph on your amazing journey home.”

 

Mickey’s Big Day In Court

 

With the Disney Corporation being represented by the law firm, Huey, Luey and Dewey LLP, Johansson can expect stiff competition in her lawsuit against the movie studio. Johansson’s claim could have far reaching effects throughout the industry. She alleges Disney prevented certain contractual bonuses by reducing box office revenue when it streamed Black Widow simultaneously on Disney+. Actors, crew members and studios alike would be effected by any test case decision such as this. In response to this, Disney’s lawyers made funny duck noises, splashed about a bit in a pond and then pretended to fall asleep when Donald opened the door.

 

MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS

MARVEL GIVE UP FILM PRODUCTION

HOLLYWOOD – In a shock move that has brought cries of almost physical pain from the geek-i-verse, Marvel Studios have said that once they’ve released Thor: the Dark World ‘that’s your lot’.  

The sequels to The Avengers, Hulk and Captain America have already halted pre-production, or production and the film that had already been shot has been deleted and/or burnt.

Kevin Feige explaining Marvel’s decision tried to put a positive spin on it:

The fact is we’re kind of grown up adult men and we were walking around the production offices looking at all these drawings of people in costumes and all these scripts of inflated power fantasies, and we just thought Jesus Christ, I think it’s time we all grew up.

News comes only seconds after Disney said that they were abandoning plans to release any Star Wars pictures ‘because – really? – does the world need another Star Wars product? Really? I mean, are you shitting me.’

A psychiatrist who works seven days a week in the film industry, Dr. Habberon Stykes has argued that a problem of ‘franchise fatigue’ is striking down executives and producers at the highest level of the production process:

What we have is these often very intelligent men and women – who am I kidding? – men. Anyway. They get to be in their forties and they look back and they just see all they’ve been doing for their adult lives is exactly what they were doing as children, but much more expensively.

So what are the plans for Marvel Studios now? Kevin Feige said, ‘We’re currently working on a series of documentaries that are going to go into the corrosion of worker’s rights in America. We want to bring this out at Christmas where we’ll be going head to head with Disney’s new film The Syrian Civil War: Why You Should Care?