HOLLYWOOD – Martin Short is to play preacher Joel Osteen in a new film called ‘Suffer the Little Children, No Seriously’.
Martin Short is to play Joel Osteen in a new film based on the Christian preacher’s life and ministry. Short spoke with the Studio Exec earlier today:
We’ve actually had this in the works for a while but the publicity was too good today not to announce it. We will cover everything. The rise of this religious superstar, the prayers, the drama but mainly the teeth. Jesus Christ look at the teeth on the man.
Joel Osteen has been in the news recently for refusing to open the doors of his mega Church to allow shelter to the refugees from Hurricane Harvey. Osteen had this to say:
We’ve just had new carpets put in. Jesus would get it.
He was also criticized for claiming that the Hurricane was actually a large imaginary rabbit that only existed in the mind of James Stewart. ‘I’ve seen the film,’ he said.
Suffer the Little Children, No Seriously will be released in 2019.
INHERENT VICE: REVIEW – Paul Thompson Anderson remakes the Big Lebowski, but without the wit.
First things first: Paul Thomas Anderson is one of those directors who – any movie of his I’m watching, that becomes my favorite movie, his Alien Vs Predator movies aside, which are bafflingly poor. Magnolia is a masterpiece; Boogie Nights, a masterpiece; There Will Be Blood, obviously a masterpiece; Punch Drunk Love, a small quirky masterpiece and The Master is so much a masterpiece he even put half the word in the title. So what the f*ck is Inherent Vice?
Oh, and an addendum to that, I also love Thomas Pynchon and think V is a masterpiece; Gravity’s Rainbow is a masterpiece… okay? Yeah, you follow me. So again what the f*ck is Inherent Vice?
It’s not bad, it looks handsome and sounds fantastic, the performances are all good, Wacky Phoenix a likable comic lead. And PTA does TP justice, but that might just be the problem. Pynchon’s dialogue in the novel is a gag filled delight, taking from Chandler both plot and raison d’etre and giving us Marlowe played by Elliot Gould via the ‘Dude’ Lebowski, with Wolverine’s sideburns. But in PTA’s adaptation, the scenes are simply too long and too similar; one feels he’s too in love with his source material. More bothered about being true to it than creating a good movie.
At the behest of an ex-girlfriend Shasta (Katherine Waterson), private investigator ‘Doc’ Sportello (Joaquin Phoenix) investigates a pair of linked disappearances. Doing so, Doc comes across a parade of semi-crazy characters from a hopped up dentist (Martin Short) to a flat top cop called Bigfoot (Josh Brolin). The lugubrious narration is given by a beach babe astrologer Sortilège (Joanna Newsom) not so much to clear up the intentionally complicated plot, but to read out chunks of the novel. Pynchon’s prose is good, cinematic even, but it does not need to be here. Just as his wise-cracking dialogue crackles on the page but burns up way too much screen time. What should be snappy comes across as gassy. And people tells us too much that sounds more interesting than what we are seeing. A dentist dies in weird vampiric trampoline accident? Let’s see it.
Again Inherent Vice is not bad. It’s just – and it pains me to say it – not a masterpiece.
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HOLLYWOOD – Steve Martin is set to star in the final film of the Father of the Bride trilogy but with a twist: it’s totally GAY!
Father of the Groom will star Martin as George, whose son falls in love with a marine and wants to marry him – a man! George is disgusted but his hippy wife, played by Diane Keaton, kicks him out and George goes to stay with his friend Reggie (John Goodman) a pastor for the Westboro Baptist Church who thoroughly condones George’s reactionary stance. However, when Martin Short’s horrifically gay wedding organizer turns up at the house to persuade George to reconcile with his gay son, Reggie feels repressed urges arising and suddenly a double wedding looks to be on the cards.
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ATLANTA – People said Dennis Quaid was crazy when he poured his entire fortune into six top of the line eating establishments based on the theme of Joe Dante’s 1987 hit movie Innerspace. And they were right.
Diners have largely stayed away from the restaurants – each of which is designed to look like the inside of a human body. Quaid explained at the opening of the flagship restaurant in Atlanta last March:
Guests will arrive and be shrunk in the foyer by the maître-de. Then they’ll be injected into the body via the tear duct. In all our establishments there will then be offered a choice of dining experiences. You can enjoy a kebab in the lung lounge – No Smoking allowed – or perhaps you’d prefer a salad in the pancreas, a cheese smorgasbord in the foot rooms, or red meat lovers can have a juicy steak in the colon.
Famed restaurant critic Xavier Poulis wrote in his review published in French culinary magazine Flaneur:
M. Quaid disgusts me and will disgust all who have the misfortune to frequent one of his establishments, whether it is with the insipidity of his curry served in the lower intestine, or the Great Balls of Fire meat loaf, which is only served in the balls.
However, Dennis Quaid was unrepentant:
Everyone complains but my brother Randy is here every night. And Marty Short can’t get enough of the place. He comes here so often I joked with him the other night, it’s almost as if you haven’t got anywhere better to be. He laughed so hard he ended up crying.
Brave would-be customers can sample dishes in the Innerspace restaurants now open in Tampa, Atlanta, Manhattan, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Dallas.
JERUSALEM – The conflict between Israel and Palestine took a dramatic turn yesterday after Lucky Day, Dusty Bottoms and Ned Nederlander entered Gaza City.
CNN correspondent Robert Steel bore witness to The Three Amigos unexpected arrival.
“In my 25 years of reporting I have never beheld such an awesome sight” said an awe struck Steel.
” The city had been subjected to two hours of aerial bombardment by Israeli fighter jets and everyone was feeling pretty dejected. Suddenly I glanced towards the hills and through the smoke and flames I saw the silhouettes of three figures on horseback appearing from the mist. At first I thought I’d puffed too much sheesha the night before but as they came closer, I realized it was actually them!”
Steel said he was worried The Amigos would be greeted with hostility from the Palestinians but those worries were soon abated
” The people cheered and lined the streets as the Amigos rode down the main thoroughfare. They waved at the crowds and signed autographs as they made their way to their hotel. Unfortunately the hotel had been destroyed the day before so they are camping out in the basement of a Halal butchers.”
So far it has not been confirmed if the Three Amigos are on a peace keeping mission or if they intend to take up arms against the Israelis. However their friend and colleague the Invisible swordsmanis convinced that peace , is the last thing on the Amigos mind.
“Those bitches mean business!” said a refreshingly transparent swordsman.
The Amigos are currently unavailable for comment but they did release the following statement:
Wherever there is injustice, you will find us.
Wherever there is suffering, we’ll be there.
Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find…
The Three Amigos!