THERE IS NO SPOILER – THE ETERNALS

Hollywood – The movie trade publication, Variety hit back today in the wake of accusations one of their journalists tweeted huge spoilers about the end of Disney’s new Marvel film The Eternals, by stating there is no spoiler. They employed ‘Spoon Boy’ from The Matrix to explain to everyone why there is no spoiler. The Exec caught up with Spoon Boy, who had this to say.

Spoon Boy, Can You Explain To Us Why There Is No Spoiler?

Before we can begin, would you like a cookie?

Do You Have Any Nut Free Ones? My Peanut Allergy Is A Bummer

You can have a peanut free cookie, if you believe you can have one.

Thanks. Well? Why Is There No Spoiler?

It is not simply a case of there being no spoiler. There is and there isn’t, in so much as there is and there isn’t a film. For example, if you are a fan of Marvel films and the MCU, there is The Eternals and it is a film. The movie has a beginning, middle and an end. That is the way of things. However, if you hold the views of Martin Scorsese, this is not cinema. There is no The Eternals in the sense of it being a film. It has no beginning, middle and certainly no end. And if there is no end, then we can only draw the one true conclusion that there simply is no plot and there is nothing to spoil. Ergo, there is no spoiler. It really is quite simple.

Ok, Professor Clever Dick, What If You Are A Marvel Fan?

Time is a construct that does not run from one perceived beginning to an end. It is not a single line in the same way that the human brain is not a single linear narrative running from birth to death. The brain is a universe within itself of infinite connections, synapses constantly firing, connecting and disconnecting in an infinite number of ways. Time has no meaning, even at the point of death and oblivion. Through these connections, there is the infinite. The same applies to the MCU. It is all a question of perception.

 

But What About The Post-Credit Sequence Your Journalist Tweeted About?

Yeah, sorry about that. He took a big fucking shit on that one. Whaddayagonnado?

Marvel’s The Eternals Is Out In Cinemas Shortly

MCU APPEARANCE MANDATORY FOR ALL ACTORS

BREAKING NEWS – With news that the final hold-out actor, Will Poulter has joined Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3, The Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) have declared an MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors. The Exec spoke with SAGA representative Joleen Knuckles to explain why the MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors.

Joleen, Why Is An MCU Appearance Mandatory For All Actors?

I don’t think ‘mandatory’ is the right word for it. I would say that it’s suggested. It’s just better for everyone, if you catch my drift.

What Do You Mean By That?

Let me put it this way, have you ever tried to put out a fire when your hands have been cut off? No, of course you haven’t. But then again, you aint a fully paid up member of The Screen Actor’s Guild. That fucking punk, Poulter thought he didn’t have to appear in a Marvel film. That is, until Rocko, Stabber and Fucknugget paid him a visit. He saw sense pretty soon after that.

But There Are Lots Of Actors Who Haven’t Appeared In A Marvel Production.

Oh, yeah? Like who? Hang on, wait, let me get my notebook out.

Timothee Chalamet. He Said In A Recent Interview He Wouldn’t Appear In A Super Hero Movie.

Who does that skinny fuckin’ twiglet think he is? Does he know who he’s messing with here? We’re the god-damned SAG. That piece of shit. You wait until I speak to his agent. I’ll have that mofo hanging out of his penthouse balcony by his ankles before he can say ‘Martin Scorsese’. Who else is holding out on us?

I Think You Now Have Every Living Actor Signed Up.

We aint stopping there. We can deep-fake the dead ones. That’s basically what we do with Chris Pratt anyway. We’ll start with Yul Bryner as Professor Charles Xavier in an X-Men reboot. Because they haven’t done that franchise for a couple of years.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3 Enters Production Shortly

THE PHANTOM MENACE REBOOT GREENLIT

GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.

 


The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again

Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’

 

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.

 

The Return Of The JJ

As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’


The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month

JAMES GUNN KUNDUN REMAKE GREENLIT

Hollywood – Disney today announced they have greenlit a James Gunn Kundun remake.

The Suicide Squad director will helm a remake of the Scorsese tale of the young Dalai Lama. With the James Gunn Kundun remake greenlit, The Guardians director promises it will be an all action CGI spectacular. The Exec sat down to talk remakes and Scorsese with Gunn.


 

How will your Kundun be different to the Scorsese version?

“What many people don’t know about the early life of the Dalai Lama, he was a hyper-violent vigilante. He would often dress up in a costume, sneak out of the monastery and fight crime.”

 

Was there much crime to fight in rural Tibet?

“Oh shit, yeah. There were gangs of psychopathic supervillains everywhere. But many of them had superpowers. Luckily, the Dalai Lama can fly with his rocket boots. So, many nights, he would put his Walkman on, listen to Bowie and fly around looking for criminals.”

 

That sounds a bit like Star Lord from Guardians?

“No. It’s completely and totally different. Honest.”

 

Who is playing the Dalai Lama?

“Chris Pratt. Because he has the right balance of physicality, spirituality and slapstick comedy chops. Michael Rooker will play the Chinese Government representative who shafts the Lama. But in this version, the Lama doesn’t go into exile. There’s gonna be a huge CGI fight between the two. Because Skyscrapers blowing up everywhere as they fly around in their laser-ships is true cinema.”

 

What do you think Martin Scorsese will make of this, given his recent comments?

“Marty? He wrote the fucking script! This was the story he originally wanted to tell but couldn’t get the funding. He wanted to film mid-air battles but the technology wasn’t available. People are making a whole thing about what Marty said. But it’s all misdirection, believe me. Taxi Driver would never have ended like that if he’d had a decent budget. Travis Bickle would have become a masked vigilante. Goodfellas would have had a running gun battle like Heat. It’s all bullshit.”

 

James Gunn’s Kundun Begins Filming Next Month

MICHAEL MANN PLOTS HEAT PREQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Director Michael Mann talks about his plans for a prequel to his masterpiece Heat.

A Heat Prequel has been a dream for many years. But now it looks like it might actually become a reality. We caught up with Michael Mann on his return from Tokyo where he’d been shooting Tokyo Vice.

Hey Mike so this Heat Prequel is really going to happen.

Don’t call me Mike, asshole. And yeah. I’m really excited about it. Obviously when i work on a film I prefer to concentrate on what I’m doing. But having to stop in the middle of the production one of the only benefits is that it does give you an opportunity to take a look at your career. You sort out your priorities. And so the question of Heat came up once more and I said, why not?

That’s great Mikey. So as a prequel do you have any ideas on casting?

Did you just f*ckin’ call me Mikey? Call me Michael. Have some goddamn respect.

Okay. But casting?

Well, I’m using Robert de Niro to play the Robert de Niro role and Al Pacino to play the Al Pacino role. It’s really that simple.

But M&M, surely if this is a prequel they’ll be too old for those roles. 

That’s what we thought as well and then I saw what marty did in The Irishman and I’ve always been passionate about using digital technology to ruin perfectly good movies – did you see Public Enemies? – so I guessed why not do it again. We’ll deage them both and they’ll be perfect. The only problem is trying to get a story that can involve them, but they won’t meet. They have to meet in that very first encounter in the diner otherwise it doesn’t make sense. Did you call me M&M?

Like Michael Mann. M&M.

That doesn’t even make sense. It sounds like Eminem.

So Manfred, will the rest of the cast remain the same?

What’s so f*ckin difficult about calling me Michael?

The cast Mickey, Mikey, Michelangelo, Mr M. The Mann Show, Mannequin, The Mann from UNCLE?

Yes. No I mean. Yes for some of them. We want to get Tom Sizemore back and we tested him with the deaging and it looks okay. But Val Kilmer… we tried but smoke came out of the machine and something went pop!

You da Mann. 

Okay, I’m f*ckin out here!

 The Heat Prequel will begin filming in 2021.

MARTIN SCORSESE SHOULD SHUT HIS BIG FAT MOUTH

OPINION – Martin Scorsese is being told to shut his big fat mouth.

Hundreds of millions of people are shouting out in one voice – ‘Martin Scorsese: SHUT YOUR STUPID FAT MOUTH’. And they’re right. The big eyebrowed Italian American filmmaker infuriated Marvel fans a couple of weeks ago by daring to criticize comic book movies as ‘not cinema’. He said they looked like shit, or something and said anybody who liked them should go to the doctor and ask for face punches. But all around the world, fans reject this ignorant point of view. Grace Partniknik told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I film myself watching trailers on YouTube, so I’m an expert. And I can say Mr. Scorsese, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Marvel movies don’t have depth? Have you even seen Ant Man and the Wasp? I mean even in the title it’s AND the Wasp, asshole! It’s not just Ant Man. And then what about Avengers Endgame? I cried so much I puked up. How’s that for ’emotional resonance?’

Mace Windu told SE that he was tired of these white male gatekeepers being elitist:

Black Panther was the first film ever to show black people, doing stuff. And Captain Marvel had a woman in it. More than one actually. Scorsese would try to make a film himself and then he’d realize it wasn’t as easy as these so called critics seem to think.

 James Gunn also made an interesting point.

How can these films not be cinema? They’re shown in … the cinema. Durrr!

This controversy looks set to run and run and run.

Meanwhile, we’ve just learned that Scorsese has stolen the Snyder cut.

Martin Scorsese was unavailable for comment.

47 FILMS: 59. THE KING OF COMEDY

In our increasingly innumerate series of 47 films to see before death, we present Martin Scorsese’s The King of Comedy.

Martin Scorsese’s The King of Comedy is an amazing film. Decades before The Office made cringe comedy a recognizable form Scorsese’s film was up there. Robert De Niro plays Rupert Pupkin, a wannabe comedian who kidnaps a real life talk show host played Jerry, by Jerry Lewis with the help of deranged fan Sandra Bernhard. Before we get anywhere near that, Pupkin tries to waylay Jerry, diving into his car, preparing a comedy tape and stalking him in his office. All the while, he indulges in a fantasy life where Jerry is a great friend and it is Rupert who gets hassled in restaurants for his autograph.

De Niro has never been better, especially because this places him outside of the cool movie star image that roles in Godfather Part Two had placed him. Yes, Travis Bickle might be a dysfunctional psycho but he looks like De Niro and gets a date with Cybil Shepherd. Rupert is absolutely delusional but his naivety is also pitiable and human. He has a constant fund of optimism that persists no matter what the circumstances are. And the genius of the movie is that he isn’t a bad comedian. He’s actual got quite an astute line in observational comedy.

And his act isn’t an imitation of Jerry’s but there’s something in there that is painful and autobiographical. But that’s assuming the act we see at the end of the movie is not just another part of the delusion. Incidentally, I don’t think it is. This is why Rupert and the film insists on us watching it in a bar with other witnesses. Rupert needs to assure himself other people have seen it. The ultimate validation.

Cancer

There are moments of comic genius. Sandra Bernhard’s hilarious nut job and her sweater she knits for Jerry. The home invasion Rupert perpetrates. The fan who upset at Jerry turns on a nickel from adoring to shouting ‘You should only get cancer’, suggested by Lewis himself and based on a real experience. And it is Jerry Lewis’ film also. Quietly, we get a portrait of an almost silent man, utterly alienated and lonely, twisted by the bitter need to stay top dog while utterly distrustful of his fans and everyone around him. The tragic irony is that Jerry seems a better person in Rupert’s fantasies as well. And even though he is in the position Rupert is aiming for, Jerry is utterly miserable.

Coming out in 1982, The King of Comedy flopped. The tag line – This is no laughing matter – exactly summed up the uncomfortable tragicomedy of embarrassment. It was a style no one was ready for yet. But its savage satire on celebrity culture seems more prescient with each passing year.

For more of our 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams CLICK HERE.

LEONARDAO DICAPRIO TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio has confirmed that he will be starring as Spider-Man in the next Spider-Man film.

The amazing webslinger is back! But despite rave reviews and commercial success, Tom Holland has got the boot and been replaced by Mr. Revenant himself: Leonardo diCaprio. The former Romeo came over to the Studio Exec bungalow to chew the fat. I asked what the hell?

Look, people started saying I could be the Joker. Sure, I could do that. But I really want to be Spider-Man. Marty will direct.

Scorsese wants to do a Spider-Man movie?

He will if he wants to see his cat again.

You kidnapped Martin Scorsese’s cat?

Are you kidding me? How else do you explain The Aviator? You think Marty wanted to make that movie.

So what will your take be on Spider-Man?

I’ve loved Spider-Man ever since I was a kid. I grew up with all those comic books. I’m such a nerd.

But isn’t Peter Parker a little young for you to play?

Who’s Peter Parker? Jesus Christ, Exec. Keep up. Spi-der-ma-n.

The Amazing Spider-Man’s Homecoming will be released in 2020.

APPARENTLY, THE OSCARS ARE HAPPENING AGAIN …

HOLLYWOOD – The Academy published the Oscar nominations earlier this week. We give our reaction.

So apparently, the Oscars are on again this year. It’s almost as if it’s every year now. We were going to do a full list of nominations but my cut and paste finger is sore. So you can go here and see that. Then come back and read this.

Nominations

First things first. The Academy discovered there are people in America who aren’t white! Moonlight, Fences and Hidden Figures all picked up nods as did Ruth Negga with Loving, the Jeff Nichols film. Supporting actress category saw Miss Moneypenny as well as Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer getting nommed. If that’s a a verb.

To round of the diversity anti-Semite Mel Gibson received a nomination for Hacksaw Ridge, the perfect American movie – loads of dirty Japanese get killed while we pretend to admire pacifism.

Snubs

Then there were the SNUBS. Amy Adams didn’t get nominated for Arrival and Martin Scorsese missed out with Silence. To be honest, Adams is great but there’s a law that Meryl Streep has to be nominated and that took her spot. As for Silence. Kundun was miles better. Silence is like Shogun but with more religion and less Richard Chamberlain.

La La Land received a large haul of nominations. There’s a point at which this kind of love begins to hurt a movie. I loved La La Land, but I saw it in August when no one else had. If I was to walk in having heard all the praise, I might be tempted to think the film a technically bit of superficial whimsy. I don’t think that. But with the group think pressure to love it, I can understand the Pavlovian backlash that is on its way.

So we’ll leave predictions to the experts. Who knows? Maybe we’ll post about he Oscars again before the actually ceremony. Feel free to comment in the box about how you think the whole think went down. We never read them.

The Academy announce the winners on February 26th, 2017.

SILENCE – REVIEW

REVIEW: SILENCE – Spider-man and Kylo Ren go to Japan to find Ra’s Ghul.

Martin Scorsese’s new film apparently took 20 years to make or more accurately he wanted to do it for twenty years or something. Anyway the adaptation of Shusaku Endo’s amazing novel is faithful, perhaps overly so. Large slabs of prose are Terrence Malicked onto the soundtrack, but at the same time Scorsese also literally renders paragraphs, often risking silliness. The story often slides towards Christian propaganda and one wonders how Mel Gibson would have dealt with it. And how critics would have looked at the film if he had.

Hacksaw Ridge actor Andrew Garfield does some more blinking as the priest who with Adam Driver goes looking for Liam Neeson and proselytize to the heathens in Japan. The persecution that follows provides a stations of the cross for the priest who enters his crisis of faith. There’s some dodgy CGI and some wonderfully inventive direction. But the ambiguity of the novel has its hand tipped with a clumsy last shot and dedication.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

TAKEN 4 LOOKS CRAP

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson fans everywhere rose up in disgust at the first images of Taken 4.

The eagerly awaited Taken 4 arrives late this year, but already fans of the Liam Neeson actioner are hot under the collar.

Uber-Taken fan, Leonard Katz told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I have a particular set of skills. One of them is to spot a terrible Taken film. This looks like a terrible Taken film. Liam is just kneeling and praying. And who are those Japanese guys behind him? Terrorists I imagine, but why is he praying like some kind of girl’s sandwich? And what’s with that shirt? It’s almost as bad as the prequel he did when he went back in time and saved all those Jews.

Director Martin Scorsese responded to criticism by telling everyone ‘to shut up.’

Taken 4 will be released December, 2016.

MARTIN SCORSESE’S SILENT MOVIE ‘BULLSHIT’ SAYS EXPERT

HOLLYWOOD – Martin Scorsese’s new movie Silence has been branded ‘bullshit’ by a leading expert on silent cinema.

The trailer dropped for Martin Scorsese’s new film Silence this week but not everyone is impressed.

Maurice Hepatite, leading expert of the silent era and author of ‘Say What: An Exploration in Early Cinema’, reacted with disgust to the footage.

It’s obvious that Mr. Scorsese knows next to nothing about silent films. His movie is called Silence, but having watched the trailer five times, I can tell you that first there is talking, then there is music and there are sound effects clearly audible on the soundtrack. There’s a goddamned soundtrack as well.

But Martin Scorsese…

Scorsese promised a silent movie. Look at the goddamned title, Chad. And all we get is the word ‘silence’, which garfield speaks spoken in a ridiculous Portuguese accent. Saying the word Silence doesn’t make this a silent movie. I thought someone of Mr. Scorsese’s purported acumen would have known that.

The film stars Andrew Garfield, Adam Driver and Liam Neeson as three priests with terrible accents who decide to be silent in order to avoid embarrassment.

Silence will be released in December, 2016.

CAT THAT LOOKS LIKE MARTIN SCORSESE FOUND IN NEW YORK

NEW YORK – A man was left stunned this morning after a cat resembling legendary director Martin Scorsese was discovered in Central Park.

The feline was found by casting agent Franz Lieberman who came across the amazing animal as he was taking an early morning run.

“I’d stopped to pause for breath when I heard a voice I recognised coming from the bushes,” said an animated Lieberman:

I wandered into the undergrowth and saw this cat giving a lecture to 3 squirrels and a hedgehog about the influence of the French new wave on American independent cinema of the late 1960s. I wasn’t shocked that the cat was talking, I mean, I’ve seen ‘Babe’ and I know that animals are capable of human speech. It was the fact that this creature looked and sounded exactly like Martin Scorsese!

Lieberman claims he stayed to listen to the remainder of the “remarkably insightful lecture” then spent the next half hour chatting to the cat about his upcoming projects:

Marty, as he insisted on me calling him, said he was due to start pre-production on a remake of Visconti’s ‘The Leopard’ but unfortunately his leading mouse had been eaten by an owl the day before.

After parting from Marty with a firm paw shake,  Lieberman immediately got in contact with the New York Times who were only too familiar with such fantastical tales:

“It’s nothing we haven’t heard before,” said journalist Rick Town:

These film industry people take lots of drugs the night before then go on their morning runs and claim they had a conversation with an animal that looks like a director. Only last week we got a call from a screenwriter from New Jersey who said he’d been discussing the effect of Russian revolutionary cinema on the German expressionist movement with a Koi Carp that was a dead ringer for Werner Herzog.

STILL NO VINYL SEASON 2 PROTESTS

ISTANBUL – There have been no further protests against the cancellation of HBO’s Vinyl after only one season.

The drama series Vinyl was cancelled after only one season, but feared demonstrations have failed to materialize. The show starred Bobby Carnevale as a record label executive in the 1970s. It was produced by Martin Scorsese and Mick Jagger and run by Terrence Winter. Despite high production values, big name talent and incessant music, the show failed to find an audience and although HBO announced it was to make a second season, it u-turned and definitively cancelled the show.

A spokesperson for  HBO told the Studio Exec:

We were very worried that we were going to get all sorts of blowback. Fan petitions, street demonstrations and hate mail. But none of that happened. In fact, it’s been really quiet.

Rumors that the failed coup in Turkey was partly caused by the cancellation of the show were later proven to be unfounded.

Vinyl: the Movie will be announced next Tuesday and cancelled next Wednesday.