MICHAEL MANN PLOTS HEAT PREQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Director Michael Mann talks about his plans for a prequel to his masterpiece Heat.

A Heat Prequel has been a dream for many years. But now it looks like it might actually become a reality. We caught up with Michael Mann on his return from Tokyo where he’d been shooting Tokyo Vice.

Hey Mike so this Heat Prequel is really going to happen.

Don’t call me Mike, asshole. And yeah. I’m really excited about it. Obviously when i work on a film I prefer to concentrate on what I’m doing. But having to stop in the middle of the production one of the only benefits is that it does give you an opportunity to take a look at your career. You sort out your priorities. And so the question of Heat came up once more and I said, why not?

That’s great Mikey. So as a prequel do you have any ideas on casting?

Did you just f*ckin’ call me Mikey? Call me Michael. Have some goddamn respect.

Okay. But casting?

Well, I’m using Robert de Niro to play the Robert de Niro role and Al Pacino to play the Al Pacino role. It’s really that simple.

But M&M, surely if this is a prequel they’ll be too old for those roles. 

That’s what we thought as well and then I saw what marty did in The Irishman and I’ve always been passionate about using digital technology to ruin perfectly good movies – did you see Public Enemies? – so I guessed why not do it again. We’ll deage them both and they’ll be perfect. The only problem is trying to get a story that can involve them, but they won’t meet. They have to meet in that very first encounter in the diner otherwise it doesn’t make sense. Did you call me M&M?

Like Michael Mann. M&M.

That doesn’t even make sense. It sounds like Eminem.

So Manfred, will the rest of the cast remain the same?

What’s so f*ckin difficult about calling me Michael?

The cast Mickey, Mikey, Michelangelo, Mr M. The Mann Show, Mannequin, The Mann from UNCLE?

Yes. No I mean. Yes for some of them. We want to get Tom Sizemore back and we tested him with the deaging and it looks okay. But Val Kilmer… we tried but smoke came out of the machine and something went pop!

You da Mann. 

Okay, I’m f*ckin out here!

 The Heat Prequel will begin filming in 2021.

LIAM NEESON TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

WASHINGTON – It has been confirmed that Liam Neeson will be the next Republican party candidate for the presidency of the United States.

“We need somebody with a special set of skills.” said party chairman Reince Priebus.

It was a close run contest between Jeb Bush and Liam. Jeb has strong family values and is tough on immigration but Liam can kill terrorists with his bare hands. In this day and age that is exactly what we need from a president.

Priebus went on to say that he didn’t know Neeson was a suitable candidate for the job until last week:

Somebody sent me a documentary about how he took down a gang that kidnapped his daughter. That man is one tough SOB.

A spokesman for Neeson said he was “Flattered” by the nomination but he will need some time to consider the offer:

Liam is currently working in Chechnya as a mercenary and then he goes straight into filming Silence with Martin Scorsese so his schedule is pretty full. I’m not saying he won’t do it, but if a good role in a Farrelly brothers movie comes along, chances are he’ll pass.

Meanwhile Barack Obama questioned Neeson’s eligibility:

“He’s as Scottish as deep fried haggis.” said the Kenyan born President.