SHERLOCK SEASON 4 REVEALS DARK SECRET

HOLLYWOOD – The fourth season of Sherlock is set to reveal a dark secret.

Benedict Cumberbatch returns for the fourth time as the world’s most famous detective in Sherlock. This time however the sleuth has a new set of skills and a secret identity. Cumberbatch explained to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

to begin with, I’m a rude brain surgeon, a bit like House. And then I have a car crash. I go to the East to learn how to heal my hand but instead learn to become a kind of wizard.

A wizard?

I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it? But only just in time because the world is under attack from a magical being from another dimension and I have to defend it.

What is Watson doing?

Watson?

It sounds like a real change in direction for the show.

What do you mean Sherlock we’re talking about…

At that point, the conversation was cut off by me going to get another drink and forgetting I was in the middle of a conversation.

Sherlock will be shown January 1, 2017.

SHIA LABEOUF WINS SHIA LABEOUF MARATHON

NEW YORK – Today Shia LaBeouf came first in the inaugural Shia LaBeouf movie marathon, winning the gold medal in a varied field.

Shia LaBeouf watched all his films back to back at the Angelika Film Center in New York, with a live stream of his reactions being broadcast on the internet. The event entitled #ALLMYMOVIES featured all twenty nine of his films being shown back-to-back in reverse chronological order. A camera on the back of his seat has captured all of his reactions and him sleeping through some of them.

Robert De Niro was one of many celebrities who turned up to cheer the young actor along the road of his entire ouvre. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec at the awards ceremony:

I think it’s entirely appropriate that Shia won the gold medal. This is a race he’s been training for his whole life and he had to be the favorite even though I know Paul Giamatti and Aaron Paul were also in the field.

Paul Giamatti was actually a surprise inclusion in the field though rumor has it he was training in Estonia for five months. He came in second with Martin Freeman beating Aaron Paul to the bronze medal. The Hobbit star said that he was delighted with the result but would be hoping to beat Shia LaBeouf next year.

I was way ahead of him but Nymphomaniac Volume 2 really screwed me.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor

Shia LaBeouf will be appearing at a shopping mall near you throughout the Holiday Season.

HART TO HART TO GET GAY REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – NBC has announced that they are in the process of developing a gay remake of popular detective show Hart to Hart.

A source close to the Hart to Hart production spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

In this new era of marriage equality it is only a matter of time before we start seeing a whole raft of shows featuring same sex couples. In the new show Jonathan and Daniel Hartman, self-made millionaire and his trophy husband will solve a whole series of murders and crimes helped by their faithful manservant Maxine the Butler and their dog Freeway.

The original show featured Robert Wagner, Stephanie Powers and Lionel Stander and speculation is rife as to who will play the leads, but the money is on the renewed pairing of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman with Lady Gaga in the role of Maxine. Rumors that Freeway will be a Chihuahua have been strongly denied.

There is a good chance that the new Hart to Hart will be only the first in a whole raft of remakes realigned to mirror changes in the acceptance and celebration of our diverse sexuality. Rumors are already circulating of a lesbian Cagney and Lacey, an aggressively gay Manimal and a completely heterosexual Dukes of Hazzard.

Hart to Hart is due for broadcast in 2017.

POPULATION OF SWEDEN CAST IN AVENGERS: CIVIL WAR

HOLLYWOOD -The 9,593,421 population of Sweden were confirmed to all have roles in the upcoming Avengers movie, Avengers Civil War.

The entire Swedish population will join Paul Rudd, Martin Freeman, Daniel Bruhl, Chris Evans, Jeremy Renner, Robert Downey Jr, Elizabeth Olsen, Scarlett Johansson, Chadwick Boseman, Frank Grillo, William Hurt and Don Cheadle in Avengers Civil War, the third movie in the sequence. The Russo brothers popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to explain EXCLUSIVELY their thinking behind the move.

Anthony Russo: We want this movie to have a genuinely epic scale. Civil War! You know it gives you that feeling of size, of magnificent hugeness. In the past Avengers movies have concentrated on teams and cities, but now we’re into armies and nations. So Sweden seemed like the perfect choice. They speak really good English and we picked up some nice tax breaks.

But when you say cast, you mean extras, right? I mean nine million people here.

Joe Russo: Well, the positive thing is they come with their own infrastructure and a system of government. Ha ha! No, but seriously, we are talking about speaking roles here. Not just what we used to call Background Artists.

That’s crazy!

AR: Is it? Terrence Malick used the entire population of France to make To the Wonder.

No he didn’t.

JR: Did so! But in the end he cut most of them. To their immense relief, it has to be said, once they saw the movie.

Avengers: Civil War will be released in 2016.

PETER JACKSON ANNOUNCES THE HOBBIT 4: THE ROAD GOES EVER ON

HOLLYWOOD- Tolkien fans will be delighted to learn that Peter Jackson isn’t quite ready to say goodbye to Middle Earth yet, following swiftly on from the concluding episode of The Hobbit trilogy with The Hobbit Part 4: The Road Goes Ever On.

Jackson spoke to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY following the premier of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies in London recently.

I don’t feel ready to give up on this story quite yet. There are loads of fans, and I count myself amongst them, who would like to see what Bilbo was doing between The Hobbit and the beginning of The Lord of the Rings.

But Tolkien never wrote about that period.

No. And we have already used up the appendices and various other parts and things which Tolkien wrote in letters and on scraps of papers, notes to the milkman etc. We did initially consider using the back of the book, you know the blurb and where there are quotes from the critics and the price in US and Canadian dollars as well as pounds sterling, but ultimately that stuff was rather dry and hard to imagine cinematically, so we gave up and decided we were just going to have to invent it completely from scratch.

So what’s the story going to be?

I think we’ve all had enough of quests and it’s fairly obvious when Fellowship of the Ring begins that Bilbo has not been doing much in the intervening years, so this film is going to be much less action orientated. We’re going to see Bilbo smoke a lot of weed and how his rivalry with the Sackville-Bagginses festers. We’ll see him adopt his nephew Frodo and attempt to write his book. There is going to be some wonderful CGI gardening sequences, with swooping camera shots and a cast of thousands of parsnips all generated by WETA. This is without doubt going to be the most vegetably of the Middle Earth films.

Despite not wishing to say anything else about his non-Hobbit films, Jackson was also adamant that the proposed Tom Bombadil and Silmarrilion films will go ahead as planned, but his Tin Tin film is the mad opium dream of a demon possessed poet.

The Hobbit 4 will be released in 2016.

For more on The Hobbit and Peter Jackson CLICK HERE.

 

ELIJAH WOOD IS ‘NOT ACTUALLY TINY’

HOLLYWOOD – It was belated revealed today that actor and Hobbit Elijah Wood is actually regular adult size and not as has previously been assumed tiny the way he was in Flipper and Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

The revelations came during an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, an extract from which can be read below:

So how is it you will appear to be an adult size in Breck Eisner’s new film The Last Witch Hunter?

Well, I am normal size. I mean I’m just 5 foot five inches. I’m not a giant but yeah.

So they’ll use CGI to stretch you, or will Breck rely on ‘forced perspective’?

Neither. I mean I’ve been in a ton of films as myself, I mean as my own size. You haven’t seen Wilfred?

Non.

Maniac?

The remake?

Yes.

Non.

Grand Piano?

Non.

Well you can see me now?

I assumed you were wearing some kind of prosthetic assemblage.

You can’t honestly have thought we were all Hobbit sized.

So you’re saying Martin Freeman isn’t…

No.

Or Pippin and Merry?

No.

Or Tyrion Lannister?

Ah well. Yes, Peter Dinklage is … that’s his actual size.

Mon Dieu! Je suis confused.

 

Elijah Wood fans the world over reacted to the news with a mixture of consternation and disbelief.

Becky Hamilton from Iowa had this to say:

I think it like sucks. I mean. If you’re going to be small in one movie. You should really be small in all the movies. Otherwise I mean. What?

Jonah Painter, the current mayor of Hobbiton, said that Wood had ‘betrayed his Hobbity roots and would not be receiving a warm welcome on his return to the shire’.

Elijah Woods’ new film The Last Witch Hunter is directed by the man responsible for Sahara and will be released in 2015.

 

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG: REVIEW

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG: REVIEW

There are times in a successful artist’s life – like for instance the film director Peter Jackson‘s – when the temptation to take something that previously rendered said artist successful – an earlier work, a technique, a font of inspiration – and to elongate it, to try in some way to spin out the thing which once looked so fresh and exciting, to extend it beyond any useful limit, until the very concept, the original energy and joy of the thing is so worn thin as to snap and if not snap then to simply continue on and on and on and on until even your most ardent fans are exhausted or embarrassed and look away, the way one might look away when you have accidentally walked in on a particularly ugly Aunt and Uncle making love drunkenly on a water bed in front of what has to be said is top of the range and state of the art home HD video equipment, including studio grade lighting and an en suite editing console fully manned – perhaps by your mother and father, both wearing awkward expressions as they pre-visualize yet another extended edition to supplement the already engorged and distended unspeakable act that even now, even after this preamble and our interruption which Uncle Fred and Auntie Mavis seem unfazed by, not for a second being put off their (dare I say it) stroke, we are still watching; so it is one might say with Peter Jackson’s new film and the second installment in the three film prequeology to his original Lord of the Rings (including Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers and Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King), The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug starring Martin Freeman, Ian McKellan and (God help us all) Orlando Bloom, but okay, it’s long, overlong and much longer than the book, but the important question has to be is it any good? 
Well, I think

Join us next year for the end of this review. 

THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG WILL NOT FEATURE HOBBITS

WELLINGTON -Peter Jackson came out today with the shock revelation that The Desolation of Smaug – his second film in the unnecessary The Hobbit trilogy – will not feature any actual Hobbits.

‘You know,’ said the Frighteners director. ‘We’re all kind of bored of the little bastards.’

Jackson revealed shortly after releasing the first teaser trailer for the middle film that he has decided to go ahead with dwarves and elves instead.

What happens is Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) gets hit on the head at the very beginning of the second movie. He’s out of it and Gandalf and the dwarves go on the next third of the adventure and meet a bunch of people that’ll remind you of a time when you gave a shit about Middle Earth and all this bunkum. 

The film will feature the return of Orlando Bloom as Legolas. Jackson admits that the prospect was daunting at first:

We’d managed to kind of forget about Bloomy and I don’t know what he’s been doing but he hadn’t made a film for some time and everyone was very happy about that. In the end though we thought let’s just rehash some more shit and see if the teeny-boppers still remember who he is. So there it is. It isn’t like I have any artistic credibility left to lose, is it?

  The Desolation of Smaug threatens to be out around December, this year.

ANIMAL CRUELTY ON THE HOBBIT SET: SMAUG SPEAKS OUT

His identity is protected












NEW ZEALAND -We meet in Wellington at the underground car park that for the last 13 months has been home to my source. I could call him Deep Throat, but he has had the courage to blow the whistle on New Zealand’s favorite son, Peter Jackson and he’s not afraid to say his name. He is Smaug, the villain of the piece, the dragon whose gold Bilbo Baggins and his dwarf companions wish to steal. But there has been more than one crime at the Lonely Mountain.

‘S’ironic really,’ says Smaug curled up between the SUVs. ‘Petey came up and he says originally they were going to CGI the role and then the budget wasn’t looking too hot and so he decided to go practical. Course dragons are a protected species, but he don’t give a shit. First of all he strings me up with wires and has Andy Serkis pulling me fucking every which way. Well, I wasn’t having that. I said Pete, I’m an artiste. He said okay, but he was laughing.’

How do you respond to the charge that animals have been injured and killed on The Hobbit?


Not with the filming. They’re very careful. They got animal rights groups all over that. But once the cameras stop rolling, that shit from The Office goes back to his nice hotel, I’m herded down here, the horses are in some kind of abandoned mine, Moria or something it’s called. And the chickens and things like that are just eaten. The crew just jump on them. No cooking, no preparation. S’savage man.


Do you feel you have been mistreated or in anyway exploited?

There’s been a lot of hate speech. That Cate Blanchett would just look at me and say ‘who brought Puff?’ They even all wore t-shirts with Puff written on them and a picture of me. But this is nothing. You should have seen what Jackson did to Kong. He fucking hates animals, really hates them.


Would you support a boycott of the film?

No. I’m very proud of the film and my work on it. I believe in Dragon Rights and the more visible we are the less we can be abused and victimized. Look what Jaws did for sharks. Suddenly everyone loved sharks and wanted like to support shark charities. I’m hoping the Hobbit will have a similar effect on dragons.

HOBBIT HIT BY AUSTERITY MEASURES

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films have been hit by the economic crisis and have had to make cuts which are already evident from the trailers.

Expensive CGI special effects have been replaced by lumpy cartoons, sock puppets and the dwarves and hobbits have all been magically reduced in size by brutal medieval ‘aesthetic amputation’ methods.

Fran Walsh – Hobbit and Lord of the Rings screenwriter – moans: ‘Oh Jeez, we’ve had to cut so many corners. We employ children and we pay them in sweets. And we can’t afford Sir Ian McKellen so we’ve just re-cut some out takes and we’re trying to slot them in.’
Concerns over safety issues were raised however when Martin Freeman who plays Bilbo was rushed to hospital after falling over in a suit made entirely of mirrors, cutting himself badly. ‘That was the invisibility special effect,’ Freeman said, weeping piteously like a little girl. ‘I think I killed Gollum.’
Instead of the convoluted process of creating via a combination of CGI and motion capture, Gollum will be played by an unusually large frog that Peter Jackson has been stretching with his own hands.