HOUSTON – NASA today announced that they have found conclusive proof of liquid Matt Damon on Mars.
The existence of liquid Matt Damon on Mars has been a posited as a theoretical possibility ever since the Nineteenth Century. The Italian astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli observed the Red Planet in 1877 and started a new craze following a mistranslation of his word channels as ‘canals’ which gave many the idea that there were also Gondoliers and bridges. Frozen Matt Damon has already been observed, but the chances of finding liquid Matt Damon were thought to be slim because of the weak atmospheric pressure which would allow Damon to evaporate, or freeze due to the extremely low temperature.
Scientist Howard Wells told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
The nest we’ve been able to do is look for trace elements of Matt Damon. Evidence that he was at some point here. So far this has been a case of looking for where Ben Affleck is and then by a form of trigonometry working out a notional positioning of the Damon, liquid or otherwise. Stephen Soderbergh can be brought in to adjust the calculations.
The first image of Damon on Mars has become a classic and iconic image, reportedly much better than Ocean’s 13 but not as good as the first Bourne film. Ridley Scott who coincidentally filmed The Martian starring Matt Damon on Mars remarked that he was delighted:
Those NASA boys are fantastic. While we were on Mars filming, Matt Damon had a tinkle behind a rock and I said to him ‘Hey, they’ll be claiming they’ve found liquid Matt Damon on Mars next!’ and you know what, as soon as I heard they were making this announcement, I thought, ‘oh no!’
The Martian is on general release.
OLYMPUS MONS – Brown Bunny and Buffalo 66 director and star Vincent Gallo is concluding what has been described by the actor/astronaut as a ‘largely useless’ mission to Mars.
In his final video link before he begins his two year voyage back top Earth, Vincent Gallo told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
When I left there was such an air of optimism and hope. My last movie was due to be released – Promises Written on Water – and there were crowds of people cheering me off. And I’ve always had quite a cynical view of Hollywood people, but everyone – directors, producers, agents – came to see me off and it was such a party atmosphere. I was really touched. I thought, they really understand how important it is that I go to Mars. It was incredible.
Well, I was midway there that it first occurred to me looking out at the vastness of space that no one had actually given me a mission as such. It was a crazy oversight, but I have no real scientific know how, I don’t know about geology or chemistry, or biology or astronomy. So when I arrived there was very little for me to actually do. I took some photographs but stupidly I hadn’t deleted my memory card and it was almost full. I should have deleted all my shots from the Venice Film Festival but in the end I thought, I really want to keep them. So there wasn’t even a record I could keep.
Didn’t NASA give you a list of things they wanted?
NASA? Who are NASA?
The National Aeronautics and Space Agency.
Never heard of them. I take my orders from the MCA. They must be rivals I guess.
So how did you spend your time on Mars?
Well, not having much to do I developed some screenplays and I’m hoping to start filming the minute I get back to Earth. They’re going to be experimental and long. God they’re long.
In unrelated move, President Barack Obama today confirmed that the orbiting missile defensive shield system (or Star Wars) has been turned outwards to aim away from the Earth in what is being called an ‘Exercise’.
MARS – NASA poured cold water over the hot lonely crotches of conspiracy theorists everywhere this week by claiming new images of the Mars surface, which apparently show a mysterious looming obelisk with what appears to be a sinister smiling face depicted on it, are nothing but a trick of the light.
With our newly acquired satellite ‘Deep Peep 3000’ The Studio Exec decided to have a look for ourselves but our results are sadly inconclusive.
For many years Capricorn One viewers have argued that Elvis Presley, the assassin of John F. Kennedy, had not actually died but was living on Mars and shooting a film directed by Stanley Kubrick. The Shining is a key text which reveals in hidden patterns and code the location of Presley and a complete confession of how the Moon landings were faked because NASA in effect missed the Moon and landed on Mars. Watch Danny’s jumper closely.
More recently rumors that Tom Cruise had moved to Mars alongside John Travolta and Giovanni Ribisi were dismissed out of hand by ex-President George Bush who added that he did not bring down the twin towers as part of an intricate plan to do a load of things that nobody wanted to do.
Recent photographs relayed back from Mars have given theorists fresh grist to their mill, but as we can see from the evidence above it is likely that this is merely an optical illusion caused by the Loch Ness monster which was just out of shot.