FRANCIS COPPOLA REANIMATES BRANDO

EXCLUSIVE – Francis Coppola reanimates Brando for Megalopolis. Yesterday the film world was stunned with the announcement that Coppola is stumping up his own vineyard-earned dough to make his passion project, Megalopolis. What many do not know is that the director has reanimated the corpse of Marlon Brando to join the already, star studded cast. The Exec caught up with Coppola in San Francisco to discuss the revelations.

 

Francis, is it true that you are finally making Megalopolis?

Fucking A, that’s right bubba. I’m finally getting this bird off the ground. I got the script, I got the cast and I got the frickin’ money baby. Let’s light this fucking candle!

 

We understand you have a stellar cast lined up?

You betcha. We got Oscar Isaac, Forest Whitaker, Cate Blanchett, Jon Voight, Jessica Lange and my old buddy, James End-Of-Fucking-Tweet Caan.

 


Wow, that really is an all-star cast.

Yeah it’s ok, I guess, but it’s missing something. Know what I mean?

 

I really don’t. What could that list be missing?

Assholes. Someone who’s gonna cost millions of dollars a week to hire. An actor who’ll hold up production because they refuse to read the fucking script and I’ll have to read it to them. Someone that could out-asshole Val Kilmer. I’m talking Marlon Grando-Brando.

 

I guess, if that’s what you want. It’s a pity he’s dead.

Is he though?

 

Huh?

What if I told you that a certain someone had perfected that technology to reanimate a corpse? And a certain someone has gone and reanimated another certain difficult movie star’s corpse. He’s going to have a major supporting role in Megalopolis as an under-lit, overweight shadowy psychopath who grumbles and mumbles incoherent bullshit. It’s the good old days all over again.

 

Are you saying that you, Francis Coppola Reanimates Brando for Megalopolis?

Look, today’s movie stars are so shit scared of offending anyone or doing anything that could get them cancelled. We need some fucking cojones on this shoot. Smashed mirrors, bloodied fists, drug addled musings and some downright fucking bad behavior. We need headlines. That’s what gets people into theatres these days. Gone are the days of just shooting a great movie when you’re up against fucking Marvel. Look at the shit Marty still gets for saying the truth! We need Brando to fuck a ton of shit up. Look, relax. Have a glass of my wine. You can hardly taste the anti-freeze.

 

Yeah ok then. Salute!

 

Megalopolis Starts Shooting Next Year.

FIRST LOOK AT BILLY ZANE AS BRANDO IN MAKING APOCALYPSE

HOLLYWOOD – First photographs of Billy Zane as Marlon Brando in Todd Haynes’ new movie ‘Making Apocalypse’ released.

Billy Zane stars as Marlon Brando in new movie Making Apocalypse. The film tells the story of the filming of Francis Ford Coppola’s Vietnam epic Apocalypse Now. Director Todd Haynes spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We focus on the arrival of Marlon Brando. Coppola had shot much of the film but he needed Brando for the third act. He’d only managed to secure the actor for a number of days and at huge expense. When he arrived Brando was out of shape and didn’t know his lines, so Coppola sat with him and read him Heart of Darkness the Joseph Conrad novel that the film was based on.

How did Billy approach the role?

In many ways, Billy Zane is our Brando. If you look at his work in Titanic or Dead Calm, basically any of the films when he’s in a boat and he is superb. Take him onto dry land and I agree he struggles.

Right.

Here the challenge was obviously enormous. But Billy wanted to respect Brando and so he decided to follow in Brando’s footsteps.

He employed the method?

He ate a lot, refused to learn his lines and charged us an arm and a leg.

The film also stars Seth Rogen as Francis Ford Coppola and James Franco as Dennis Hopper. Although Charlie Sheen was originally cast to play the role of Martin Sheen, the role has since gone to British actor Michael Sheen.

Making Apocalypse will be released in 2020.

BILL O’REILLY AND BILL COSBY TO STAR IN DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Disgraced Fox News host Bill O’Reilly and disgraced comedian Bill Cosby are teaming up to star in a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

Bill O’Reilly and Bill Cosby are to star in a remake of the iconic Frank Oz comedy Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The original, a remake of 1964 David Niven and Marlon Brando comedy Bedtime Story, starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine as a pair of con men working the French Riviera. We spoke to the star of the O’Reilly Factor star as he got into character and asked him if the move to film acting was due to his recent controversies regarding sexual harassment:

No. Absolutely not. I get along with Bill. Have done for many years. So we were kicking around the idea of doing something. This has nothing to do with the claims by women about the other stuff.

But Bill Cosby himself…

He has been maligned but again, this is a separate issue and has nothing to do with the film. We wanted to make a light-hearted comedy anyone can enjoy. We have a great script.

Who wrote the script?

Woody Allen.

Well, there you go again.

What?

Nothing.

Furthermore, we have a wonderful director. Roman…

Polanski.

How did you know?

A wild guess. Is there anyone involved in this movie who hasn’t been accused of some sort of sexual abuse?

Finally, the President himself is on board as an Executive Producer.

Abusive Pieces of Shit will be released in 2019.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

TOM HARDY TO PLAY MARLON BRANDO

HOLLYWOOD – Francis Ford Coppola’s long-awaited Marlon Brando biography is finally taking shape with the news that Tom Hardy has been cast as the eccentric method actor.

“We wanted Tom from the very beginning but he was unable to commit due to another project”, said executive producer, John Shale:

But then that project (The Elton John biography ‘Rocketman’) fell through and we finally got our man.

Mick Patch, a close friend of Hardy revealed his pal is already hard at work preparing for the role of Brando.

Tom’s spent a month eating deep fried ice cream, forgetting his lines and sexually experimenting with cold butter. He’s gained about 50 pounds and I’ll be honest, It’s not been good for him. Last week I walked in and he was eating a pizza with his feet! He’ll be fine, though. Once we’ve finished filming Brando’s later years Tom will have to drop the weight and play Marlon in his younger prime. That basically involves him walking around mumbling wearing a white vest.

The Studio Exec arranged to meet Hardy for an interview but he pulled out at the last minute sending civil rights activist, Sacheen Littlefeather, to give his excuses:

Mr Hardy would like to thank you for your generous offer of an interview. Unfortunately, he swallowed a large amount of cotton wool rehearsing for The Godfather scene and he’s currently in the bathroom struggling to pass an entire sheep through his asshole.

Marlon is due for release in 2019

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER RECALLS MARLON BRANDO

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer returns just in time to cast his gimlet eye over the dream factory of Hollywood, turning his attention specifically to what insiders call the ‘Big Fat Arse’: Marlon Brando.

Of all the neighbours I’ve had in the Hollywood hills the worst was undoubtedly Marlon Brando. It wasn’t the noise from his late night parties or continually having to return his ball after he kicked it over the hedge. What did for my nerves was that blessed lawnmower.

Brando was richer than a Roman Emperor, but I’ll tell you this now: he’d skin a fart to save a penny. Of course it was Chaplin who introduced the ride on mower to California, and by the weekend we all had one. Even Carole Lombard got one and she only had a patio! 

But Brando insisted on still mowing his lawn with some old piece of junk he’d found in a skip. His estate must’ve run to several hundred acres and it’d take him weeks to cut it. Once he’d finished it was time to start all over again! 
I’d look out of my window in the morning and see him pushing that old thing through the grass and my heart would go out to him, but even when Vincent Price said he’d pop over with his strimmer he said no and carried on. 
It was years later that I found out the reason why he wouldn’t let us help him. Once he’d cut the grass he’d rake it all up, and sell it to Lloyd Bridges for his horses.  Bridges told me he only paid 15 cents a bag, but Gary Cooper said it was nearer 20. I’d like to say that Brando gave the money to charity but he didn’t. Most of it was lost bailing himself out of an arms deal in Botswana that went very badly wrong. He showed me some of the letters and the whole thing was a terrible mess, but then he’d wink at me and say ‘never mind Neddy! I’ll be alright while I’ve got my lawnmower!’ 
He also had a rare white shark that he kept in his garage, but that’s another story…

For more Fluffer please be so good as to CLICK HERE.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER RECALLS MARLON BRANDO

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the globulous Marlon Brando.

I can’t remember exactly when I arrived in Hollywood, but it was certainly when films were still being made in black and white. Nowadays ambitious directors will shoot in black and white for what they call ‘artistic reasons’, but believe me when I say back in those days we had no choice!

It was black and white or nothing, and there was no sound either! This made learning lines particularly difficult as there weren’t any, and for years I found it to be a time consuming and laborious process. The best piece of advice I ever got was from my dear old friend Marlon Brando.

‘Just don’t bother,’ he said and from that day to this I never learned my lines again. 
Many modern directors fail to appreciate this particular technique, feeling it to be rather old fashioned, but I disagree. Just look at the greats, Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Katherine Hepburn, none of them ever learned their lines and it never did them any harm!  George Cukor actually preferred it when I didn’t know the lines. During the famous Ascot scene in My Fair Lady he gave me the best note I ever had. ‘Edwin,’ he said ‘just stand at the back and don’t say anything’. You won’t find many
directors today with such a clear vision of what they want from an actor, more’s the pity. 
I remember darling Alec Guinness telling me what he thought George Lucas should do with some of his lines on Star Wars, but that’s another story…

HIDDEN GEMS: 3. THE GODFATHER

Hidden Gems is brings to light little known filmic gems and rarities that have somehow managed to slip through the collective cinematic consciousness. This week The Godfather. You’re welcome.

There have been some great films made about the Mafia. Analyze That, Oscar, Billy Bathgate. It’s impossible to measure the profound effect those classics have had on the genre but way back in the early 70s, a small time director called Francis Ford Coppola was living on stale bread dipped in week old pasta sauce and attempting to make the ultimate mobster movie.
As it turned out,  he accidentally ended up making the most expensive wedding video of all time but you can understand his decision to push the gangster stuff into the background. Brando turned up on set mumbling with his cheeks full of cotton wool after slicing his gums when he put a whole pie in his mouth and forgot to take it off the plate. Then they couldn’t get Redford or Nicholson to play the lead role of Michael so at the last minute Francis grabbed a random hippy called Al Pacino off the street, strategically shaved him and pushed the poor guy in front of a camera.
It’s difficult to find a review of the film online but after days of searching I found one reference in the Maryland Chronicle that describes Pacino’s performance as being like “A girl getting fingered for the first time in the back of her boyfriend’s Buick”. In hindsight that was a little unfair on Al but that one review knocked his confidence and he faded into obscurity. Rumour has it he’s now running a car rental business in the Bahamas.
Anyway, it’s well shot and the soundtrack is catchy enough. It would probably have worked better as a TV movie rather than a full-length feature and it’s a shame Coppola never got to make a sequel. If you’d like to buy a copy it’s only available on VHS but there’s a Facebook Campaign to get it released on DVD. The page only has 13 likes though so you might be waiting a while.

For more Hidden Gems CLICK HERE.

ROSEBUD SOLD FOR $25M

NEW YORK – Lot 315/b is perhaps one of the famous props in Hollywood history: the sled that provides the McGuffin for the Orson Welles masterpiece Citizen Kane [SPOILER].

And this afternoon at Sotheby’s in New York it was sold at auction for the some of $25 million to an unknown buyer who many believe to be Jean Claude Van Damme, a famous Kane-head as fans of the black and white media mogul biopic like to call themselves. 

Lot 315/b

Of course anyone familiar with the film will remember that the sled was actually thrown into a furnace at the end of the film, but a pile of ash was verified through spectroscopic analysis to be the remains of the prop as was a small bottle of smoke, collected from the chimney. 

Film historian Mark Cousins said that the sale in classic film props had become out of control. Last year, Marlon Brando’s orange peel monster teeth were sold for $12 million despite being icky.

Citzen Kane will be released in 2015.

FLUFFER REFUSES TO LEARN HIS LINES

That’s me in the topper at the back…












I can’t remember exactly when I arrived in Hollywood, but it was certainly when films were still being made in black and white. Nowadays ambitious directors will shoot in black and white for what they call ‘artistic reasons’, but believe me when I say back in those days we had no choice!

It was black and white or nothing, and there was no sound either! This made learning lines particularly difficult as there weren’t any, and for years I found it to be a time consuming and laborious process. The best piece of advice I ever got was from my dear old friend Marlon Brando.

‘Just don’t bother,’ he said and from that day to this I never learned my lines again. 
Many modern directors fail to appreciate this particular technique, feeling it to be rather old fashioned, but I disagree. Just look at the greats, Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Katherine Hepburn, none of them ever learned their lines and it never did them any harm!  George Cukor actually preferred it when I didn’t know the lines. During the famous Ascot scene in My Fair Lady he gave me the best note I ever had. ‘Edwin,’ he said ‘just stand at the back and don’t say anything’. You won’t find many directors today with such a clear vision of what they want from an actor, more’s the pity. 
I remember darling Alec Guinness telling me what he thought George Lucas should do with some of his lines on Star Wars, but that’s another story…