PAUL SCHRADER DOWNED FACEBOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Oligarch psychopath, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed that Paul Schrader downed Facebook with ‘the sheer weight of shitty posts’, that it completely toppled the whole Facebook group of sites. The unpredictable and verbally effluent director, Paul Schrader downed Facebook with a never ending torrent of shit on his page.

Taxi Drivel

Posts on Schrader’s Facebook range from complaining about gay actresses to whining that he’s been kicked out of his online poker group due to ‘cancel culture’. It really is a never ending fountain of shit for anyone who wants to feel better about themselves. But all the fun and ‘schraderfreuder’ (see what we did there?) games came crashing to the ground yesterday when the entire Facebook group closed down for over 6 hours.

Paul Schrader Downs Facebook

After an intense IT investigation period, it was discovered that Facebook had finally reached its shit-post threshold. This was digitally manifested in a reverse Tron-like move where ton after ton of actual shit was generated from the Zuckerberg servers.

Raging Bullshit

Staff at Facebook HQ were unable to enter the building. At first it was believed to be because the security system had also crashed. Later, it was revealed it was down to severe amounts of Schrader’s bullshit behind the doors.

Bringing Out The Shit

Twitter immediately responded by placing a blanket ban on anyone with the name Paul Schrader, Paul, or anyone bemoaning a world where you can’t act like a fucking asshole all the time. Thanks to their quick action, the shit infestation failed to take a grip on the micro-blogging site. Therefore Twitter was left with just a few minor skid-marks.

Brown Collar

Zuckerberg was ‘unavailable for comment’ at the time of writing. Unfortunately, we have been plagued by requests from Mr Schrader. He wants us to provide him with another platform to moan about ‘those fucking lesbians’. But we have declined the first few thousand requests of his.

 

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT BREAKS

MARK ZUCKERBERG AND PRISCILLA CHAN PLEDGE $3 BILLION TO STOP KEVIN HART MAKING FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan today pledged a whopping $3 billion in a campaign to stop Kevin Hart making films.

Following the announcement that they were going to pledge 99% of their Facebook shares to charitable causes, Priscilla Chan and Mark Zuckerberg yesterday made good on their promise by pledging $3 billion to fund a campaign to stop Kevin Hart from making films. Making the announcement in San Francisco Wednesday, Dr Chan said the work to stop Kevin Hart making films was ‘an achievable goal, if not in our lifetime, certainly in the lifetime of our children.’ She went on to explain:

Kevin Hart is one of many comedians who has parlayed a reputation in the clubs into a successful movie career. But the films of all these guys are rotten. Just terrible. Kevin Hart is one of the worst examples. So we’re going to target him specifically and with the funds of the Chan Zuckerberg Foundation see if we can’t eliminate, reduce or at least manage all Kevin hart movies.

Responding to critics who said there were worse problems in the world, Dr. Chan replied:

Oh really?

Kevin Hart himself issued no statement, busy making Journey with Lara Croft to Jumanji Kong with Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson.

 

MARK ZUCKERBERG FUNDS KANYE WEST’S NEW MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West has secured funding for a new movie that he has written and will direct from none other than Mark Zuckerberg who is also expected to appear int he rapper’s new film.

Everyone knows that Kanye West is an irritating asshole who occasionally release records. But what many don’t know is that he has scripted a remake of Fatal Attraction which he plans to make with money provided by Mark Zuckerberg and which will star the Facebook mogul and the hip hop genius in the roles which made Michael Douglas and Glenn Close household names.  Kanye West had issued a request via his twitter feed directly to the tech billionaire.kanye

 

Early Monday morning  Kanye West posted a statement to the world press which read:

Mark Zuckerberg has heard the call in the desert. He is a John the Baptist who has seen the dove flying above my head.  I told him I needed complete creative control. And he told me it is you who should ask me if I have complete creative control for you are truly the Son of God and possibly the next but one President of the United States of America. With this money I will remake an eighties thriller and I will be the stalker and Mark will be the unwitting victim and everyone will watch and say ‘This is sooooo Meta, it makes Zoolander 2 look like Zoolander one.’

The original Fatal Attraction was directed by Adrian Lyne in 1987 and made pots of money.

Kanye West’s Fatal Attraction will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

MARK ZUCKERBERG ANNOUNCES DAVID FINCHER BIOPIC


SAN FRANSCICO – Mark Zuckerberg – the creator of Facebook and the billionaire subject of The Social Network – is to write, direct and produce a motion picture of his own based on the life of David Fincher entitled The Director of the Social Network.

We met Mark in a small café. He wore a casual set of PJs with a bathrobe thrown loosely around his shoulders and a pair of Louis Vuitton flip flops on his feet. He sits down unobtrusively, making room on a nearby seat for his pillow pet, Ralph.

So Mark, a film about the life of David Fincher. Tell us more.

Yeah, well. The fact of the matter is I saw The Social Network and I thought, yeah… You know. Like. But then as time went round I thought maybe unfriend. Maybe. And then I thought what if I did what he did but did it about him. So that’s how I thought of The Director of The Social Network.

Who is going to play Fincher?

I wanted to at first. Me. I thought Mark Zuckerberg: actor, director, producer, billionaire, big game hunter. But then I thought wait a minute. Phew. Wait. Wait. And I called Jesse Eisenberg and he said ‘yeah okay’ and that was it. I didn’t think it’d be so easy. So I had my Fincher.

What’s the story?

At first I was going to do a film about the whole of his career. The Madonna videos and Return of the Jedi and Alien 3, but then I thought, nah. He didn’t do the bit where I get my first bicycle. So I’m going to concentrate on him directing The Social Network. And he’s gonna be arguing with Brett Ratner (Armie Hammer) who claims that he directed The Social Network and David Fincher is gonna say ‘If you could’ve directed The Social Network, you would have directed The Social Network, Brett’. And Bret is just gonna eat shrimp and shut up.

Are you friends with David Fincher?

That’s the end of the film. Fincher asks for my friendship. He’s looking really sad and needy. Like a lonely nerd head and you know do I give him my friendship. Well, you’ll have to see the film.

The Director of the Social Network starts filming next month.

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY 2

HOLLYWOOD – After the enormous critical and commercial success of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller has announced the preproduction of a sequel entitled The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 2: The Facebook Years.

Ben Stiller spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:

The last Walter Mitty was possibly the best thing I’ve ever done and so when people said can you make another one, I was like, woah! Wait a second. I better have a Cinnabun and think about it. How could I maintain the integrity of the original, the integrity that one only finds wearing my GAP chinos and drinking a bottle of Budweiser? I mean it’s not just something to make money so I can buy a new iPad. Though those iPads are great, aren’t they?

So what decided you?

I got the idea that he worked for Facebook and everything he did related to Walter’s Facebook page and that ten year movie. I spoke to Mark Zuckerberg, though it wasn’t really a conversation.

What do you mean?

Zuckerberg had an assistant cover my naked body in honey and then they all threw balls of ten dollar notes at me. 

Wow!

Yeah. And I was on a bouncy castle I suppose you’d call it, and there was all this money. They had this like wind machine and they blew money at me while I bounced and wept. They did that for three days. And that’s how we’re funding the movie. But don’t worry there were plenty of nutritious Pop Tarts to eat later. Mmmmmmm. 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 2: The Facebook Years will be released in 2015.

MICHAEL CERA IS THE JOKER!

HOLLYWOOD  – Holy Insipid, Batman! Michael Cera is joining Batman Vs. Superman to play the clown prince of crime himself: The Joker.

With the internet still reeling from the Studio Exec exclusive that Facebook inventor Mark Zuckerberg will be Lex Luthor (CLICK HERE for more), now we can confirm that Arrested Development and Scott Pilgrim ‘star’ Michael Cera is to take over from the defunct Heath Ledger as Batman’s arch-nemesis. Cera himself called to give us his first reaction:

Well, it’s rad if you don’t mind me cussing. I’m gonna play my xylophone during the interview if that’s okay? It’s got, I don’t know, a sweet tone. Jason Bateman just said do it.

 Jason Bateman told you to take the role?

No, he told me to play the xylophone. This one as a matter of fact.

Go ahead, so where were you when you got the call?

I was wearing a tweed waistcoat, that’s for sure, possibly a vintage Thundercats t-shirt, I wanna say? Maybe.Do you know how many jokes we got out of that one word in Arrested Development? 31. I counted ’em. Kept a note book, matter of fact.

Given how iconic the late Heath Ledger’s performance was in the seminal Dark Knight movie, do you feel any pressure taking on this role?

I love pop tarts, okay. And I once met Jack Nicholson who once played the role, right? And I said, do you think the Joker would like pop tarts? And do you know what he said to me.

 No.

He said get this f*cking kid out of here. So that was like ‘an answer’.

So you’re not nervous about taking it on?

No, I think I’ve got range. I mean did you see that film when I was like the nice guy and the nasty guy? Youth in Revolt?

No.

No, no one did. That was a problem actually. But I got range. I can play this ukulele, okay? I am so multi-talented. I wrote this song about Mary Elizabeth Winstead. It’s called ‘I’m Gonna Break You in Two’.

The Man of Steel Vs. the Dark Knight Vs the Social network Vs Argo Vs Scott Pilgrim’s Ball Sack by the Pale Moonlight is currently filming in Detroit.  

MARK ZUCKERBERG IS LEX LUTHOR

HOLLYWOOD – Batman Vs Superman has its new villain as super-creepy Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed he will be taking on the role.

‘I crushed MySpace,’ laughed the curly haired mastermind. ‘This Man of Steel and Man of Bat will be no match for me!’ 

News came in also that Alfred will be played by people marrying horses advocate Jeremy Irons, who said he was delighted with the role:

One is absolutely over the moon with the role. First one’s thoughts leaped to one of the trains in the Thomas the Tank Engine books but apparently Alfred is some kind of a majordomo in some other type of children’s book. One wishes to get ‘down’ with the kids as modern parlance would have it. What! What! 

Ben Affleck also responded saying that he was looking forward to getting to grips with the Zuckerberg and perhaps punching him in the face repeatedly, if that was all right with the director, Zach Snyder. Zuckerberg, on being asked on what qualified him for the role, was very forthcoming:

Think about it. I mean, I have all these algorithms, and I’ve convinced everyone to put all their personal data on computers and now I’m monetizing that and who knows what I’m up to with the NSA. Even the NSA don’t know. Ha ha! Plus I have this other villainous thing where I only eat what I personally kill and butcher. Oh, yeah and if there’s like a meeting I have to go to with Batman and Superman, I don’t know maybe we all have to give depositions, I’m gonna turn up in my pajamas and they’ll all be so like What? He’s in his pajamas. Wow. What a villain!

Batman Vs Superman will be released once we’re heartily sick of hearing about it and only then.