BREAKING NEWS – Bezo’s bookstore bankrupting company, Amazon have purchased the Mark Wahlberg Hallow app from the Catholic Church for an undisclosed sum. The Christian based app will now come as an additional perk for those who have Amazon Prime membership. Soon Prime subscribers will be able to pray online for Mark Wahlberg’s numerous racially aggravated assaults to be forgiven. We caught up with the hard hitting, hard praying star for his feelings on this acquisition.
How Do You Feel About the Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Being Bought By Amazon?
I’m so buzzed for it man, praise the lord. I’ve seen the light, and the color of that light is green. All the way to the bank baby, praise be. I want everyone to drop to their knees, like good god fearing, penitent consumers and download the mother fuck out that app. Then get praying for my forgiveness for those trivial little racially charged beatings I dished out. Only 99cents per pray. Can I get an amen?
Do You Not Feel Monetizing People’s Faith Is Cynical?
The Vatican literally has a bank, you dumb mother fucker. If the church just gave up all its wealth to help the poor, needy and starving, what would happen to the holy bankers? What would happen to the ordained actuaries and the reverend risk managers? I think you’ve been hitting the blood of Christ a bit hard. You know what I’m saying?
Do You Ever Think This Might Harm Your Acting Career?
Let’s face facts man. I was in a Martin Scorsese Best Picture Oscar winner with The Departed. I told Martin Sheen, Leonardo DiCaprio AND Matt Damon to go fuck themselves. And you know what, I was ok in it. It aint ever gonna get better than that. I know what I am and I know I peaked back then. And I peaked the fuck out of it baby. So I’ll make this slushy religious garbage because those suckers can’t invest their god-given money quick enough.
The Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Is Available To Download
HOLLYWOOD – Godzilla vs Kong vs Godzooky set up as the next monster mashup.
The trailer for Godzilla vs Kong hit the internet last week and generally impressed with its promise of city wide devastation. Director Adam Wingard is brimming with confidence to such an extent that he’s already talking follow up.
It seems the right way to go. We built this up really well. We had the two Godzilla movies and then Kong Skull Island. And now we bring all that set up into this movie and we double it, square it. Whatever we do, there’s gonna be a lot more. Which then begs the question: okay but what next? You can’t just add elements randomly. It’s got to grow and mature and reach out to new audiences.
So what are you going to do?
We’ve got Godzooky lined up for the next film.
Godzooky? Like the irritating flying twat from the cartoon?
Yes, the really cool, kids and adults love him wisecracking nephew of Godzilla. He can summon his Uncle and more importantly he can work as an intermediary between the world of the humans and the Big Green one.
But he’s shit.
Absolutely. He also adds an arc, a layer of complexity. The young Godzooky is playful, but in the end needs to choose whether he’s a Kaiju or wants to live in the world of his human friends. We’re also going to get some new cast members. One who served as a surrogate father for Godzooky.
Oh good. Who?
Mark Wahlberg? He’s fucking shit.
Yes! We’re as excited as you are. Mark is a double threat because he can play comedy in the scenes with Godzooky and he can stand around looking up with his mouth open in a look of slack faced stupidity. he ticks all our boxes.
Godzilla vs Kong vz Godzooky hits cinemas in 2027.
HOLLYWOOD – Shock waves hit Hollywood today as it was revealed that Mark Wahlberg is actually paid to appear in films.
Reaction came when news broke that Mark Wahlberg received over a million dollars to film extra scenes for Ridley Scott’s All the Money in the World. At first there was consternation that the money was so much more than co-star Michelle Williams, who received less than $1000 for the same time. However, after the news sunk in, it became apparent that someone had buried the lead.
Xavier Poulis – Hollywood expert – told the Exec:
There had always been an understanding that Mark Wahlberg was turning up and doing what he was doing on set just as a favor to someone who liked Marky Mark. The fact that he actually gets paid is unbelievable. It’s as if someone somewhere thinks he’s an actor. And he receives so much too… that part blew my mind.
But surely they say he’s paid that money and then quietly take it back?
One would hope that’s the case. I mean, are we encouraging Wahlberg to act in movies? It’s bad enough he does it, but the fact he’s rewarded for it is unfathomable.
Oh I get it. Unfathomable.
We really need to ask, did someone pay Wahlberg for the Transformers movies as well? Or that Gambler film he did? How far down the rabbit hole do we go?
There’s a rabbit hole?
It’s an expression, SE! Jesus.
Will this continue?
Hopefully no. Just imagine if we took all that money that had been wasted on Wahlberg and gave it to someone who needs it like Will Smith.
I think Will Smith is pretty well paid.
What the fuck….?
All the Money in the World is on release.
HOLLYWOOD – Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg have made another f*cking movie, and this one co-stars Mel f*cking Gibson.
Not content with the laughter free zones of The Other Guys and Daddy’s Home, Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg are starring in another f*cking movie. Daddy’s Home 2 is supposed to be a f*cking comedy but it isn’t. It just isn’t. The film is sequel to Daddy’ Home which was also supposed to be a f*cking comedy. This one has Mel f*cking Gibson trying to be funny, by playing an asshole.
John Lithgow wastes his f*cking time. As does John f*cking Cena.
The IMDb synopsis reads:
Having finally gotten used to each other’s f*cking existence, Brad and Dusty must now f*cking deal with their f*cking intrusive fathers during the f*cking holidays.
Daddy’s Home 2 is f*cking on release now.
HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg asked God to forgive him for his role in Boogie Nights, but didn’t get the response he expected.
The Hollywood Reporter reports that: “Mark Wahlberg says he hopes God will forgive him for his turn as a porn star in the 1997 filmBoogie Nights. Wahlberg told the Chicago Tribune ahead of an event with Chicago Cardinal Blase Cupich on Friday that he hopes “that God is a movie fan and also forgiving” because he says he’s made “some poor choices” in the past. Wahlberg listed Boogie Nights when asked if he’s prayed for forgiveness for any of his movies.”
Boogie Nights follows the career of Dirk Diggler (Wahlberg) through the porn industry in the seventies and eighties. Paul Thomas Anderson directed and many consider the film a high point in Wahlberg’s career.
God speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec gave a prompt response:
Boogie Nights is the best thing Wahlberg ever did. Not only do I forgive him for it, I think it was great. I cannot say the same of the Planet of the Apes remake. I’m I afraid he’s going to Hell for a very long time. And by a long time, I mean forever.
What about The Happening?
Oh my Son! I’d forgotten about that.
You’re God. How can you have forgotten about The Happening?
It’s one of the benefits of omnipotence. And still it took all my strength.
Pain and Gain 2 is out in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg and Bradley Cooper to star in Charlie’s Angels remake.
Mark Wahlberg and Oscar-nominated Bradley Cooper are in early talks to topline Sony’s Charlie’s Angels reboot. Elizabeth Banks will direct. The film will be released June 7, 2019.
Based on the original 1976-1981 television series, starring Kate Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Jaclyn Smith, Charlie’s Angels first hit the big screen in 2000, with Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu starring as the crime-fighting trio working at a private detective agency for the mysterious, unseen Charlie Townsend. The film went on to make $264M at the box office and spun the 2003 sequel Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, which pulled in $259M worldwide.
Wahlberg and Cooper are famous for being men but Banks says that she doesn’t see this as a problem.
We get too hung up on this girl movie men movie thing. First off Charlie’s Angels is ripe for a re-imagining. A powerful woman takes over and these bimbo guys have to fight the bad guys. Or girls. I mean, who cares? This film will explore gender and action.
James Cameron welcomed the news.
It’s about time we had more films with men in them. That Patty Jenkins is such a pain.
Charlie’s Angels will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, according to Money.
Markie Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, says Money. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Money tried to justify its assertion.
It’s very simple. Mark Wahlberg earned $68 million in pre-tax income this year. That makes him the best actor in Hollywood at the moment for Money. Though the Rock came close. Money likes the Rock.
But whoever went to see a Mark Wahlberg movie? Does a Mark Wahlberg movie even exist?
Well, there’s Ted 2. That’s a Mark Wahlberg movie.
In that it’s shit.
Well, yeah. But Money don’t care. Money likes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Money says it’s my favorite film. Mark plays an inventor and throws a football. He drinks beer with the brand clearly visible. Money goes ‘Ahhhhhh!’
But The Happening?
Money doesn’t care. Pain and Gain, The Gambler remake, Ted, Deepwater Horizon, Money likes all of these. Mark plays golf with Donald Trump and Money smiles: happy, happy.
I just don’t get it. He was okay in Boogie Nights. And I really liked him in … Boogie Nights. But he’s just so… He’s such a… He’s just not very good. I mean, Max Payne?
Mark Wahlberg’s next film will also be crap.
REVIEW – TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT – Michael Bay’s latest installment in the Transformers comes to the screen starring Anthony Hopkins and Mark Wahlberg.
Everyone said it was crap so it didn’t go and see it. A bit like The Mummy.
HOLLYWOOD – M. Night Shyamalan admits new movie Split is autobiographical.
Split came out as a surprise success for M. Night Shyamalan. The thriller stars James McAvoy as a man with Disassociative Identity Disorder – commonly referred to as split personality.
The Sixth Sense director today spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the real life inspiration for the movie:
When I make a film, I always write what I know. In The Sixth Sense, that was me seeing dead people. After the success of that film, I could do anything. Hence Unbreakable. With Split I looked back over my career and my own split personality. On the one hand, I’m the guy who made Sixth Sense, Signs and Unbreakable. And on the other I’m also the guy who made The Happening, Lady in the Water and The Last Airbender. I realized that there isn’t really one M. Night Shyamalan, but two. The first one I call by my name. The second one prefers to be called Kenny Shitz. In some cases, we’ll actually collaborate on a film. The Village, he did half of and he filmed the last scene of Signs. He did all of The Happening though. He cast Mark Wahlberg.
Is there a chance we can get Kenny under control?
I’d like to say yes. I managed to keep him away from Split for instance. But ultimately who knows? I doubt it.
Split is currently in Cinemas now.
HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg will star in Peter Berg’s new film The Bowling Green Massacre.
Following Deepwater Horizon and Patriots Day, Mark Wahlberg continues his chronically of bad things happening with The Bowling Green Massacre. Based on an original story by Kellyanne Conway, the film tells the story of how refugees/terrorists killed over one million people in a single day.
Mark Wahlberg spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
The difficulty of making the film lay in the fact that there is such a cover up. I’ve tried to research what happened but it’s almost impossible. I mean I can find literally no trace of the event. And to think over a million people were killed by these refugees/terrorists. It’s almost as if the cover up must reach to the highest echelons. Is that the word? Echelons?
Yes. Do you think this involves President Obama?
I don’t want to make political statements. My films are always about entertaining and informing. Except for The Italian Job and The Happening. Those films were just …urgh. But I feel this topic is so important. Everyone of us knows where we were when we heard about the Bowling Green Massacre. Almost all of us were on Twitter. We have to let the children know about this, so it never happens again.
The Bowling Green Massacre will be released on Tuesday.
HOLLYWOOD – The latest installment of the Transformers series is approaching with the first trailer for Transformers: Last Knight.
The fifth film in the Transformers franchise is due out. Seeing Mark Wahlberg in his second attempt at being less interesting than Shia LaBeouf, big robots turn into cars and stuff. The trailer got over a million sum hits which only makes Donald Trump’s election more understandable. So what did we learn about the new film from the trailer?
Nothing. I didn’t watch it.
HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sends in the FACT squad to run the Voight-Kampff test on the new Blade Runner 2049.
Denis Villeneuve’s follow up to Ridley Scott’s sci-fi classic Blade Runner 2049 has been shrouded in mystery but the Studio Exec FACT squad has been on the job – though one of them got fried running through an electric field. So here are the 5 FACTS they uncovered.
One. The whole of Blade Runner 2049 takes place at eleven minutes to nine PM.
Two. Following his success in LaLa Land, Ryan Gosling will sing the theme song ‘Tears in Rain’ over the opening titles as well as the song ‘Is this to test whether I’m a Replicant (or a lesbian)?’ also known as Blade Runner Love Theme.
Three. The cast for Blade Runner 2049 includes Harrison Ford from the original, as well as Jared Leto, David Letterman, Jack Black, Will Ferrell, Ellen DeGeneres, Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Melissa McCarthy.
Four. Although not directing the film, Ridley Scott has been part of the creative team though scriptwriter Hampton Fancher has said that his contribution consisted solely of demanding ‘a shit load of unicorns.’ This demand has been fully satisfied. Hampton told the Exec: ‘You’ve never seen this many unicorns on film at the same time.’
Five. Whereas in the original there was an ambiguity as to which character was a replicant, in the new film the Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has insisted that there will be a more radical ambiguity. ‘We will suggest that not only are ALL the characters replicants, but also the audience and the filmmakers. Everybody and everything is artificial. Philip K. Dick, I feel would have approved.’
MIAMI – The Governor of Florida Rick Scott has ordered evacuations throughout his state, following news that Mark Wahlberg has just optioned Hurricane Matthew.
Mark Wahlberg has optioned a film treatment of Hurricane Matthew which is due to make landfall on the Florida coast in the next few hours. The news has alarmed many residents and an evacuation of coastal areas is ongoing.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, a source from the Governor’s office had this to say:
We’ve been tracking this Hurricane for some time as it has gained in strength, going from 3 to 4, but when we heard that Mr. Wahlberg was thinking of making a film about the storm we realized that there was a very grave danger. First, the Deepwater Horizon oil spill and then the Boston Bombing, all we could hope is that Will Ferrell wouldn’t come on board.
Hurricane Matthew will be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – Massive crowds and street parties spontaneously take to the streets as Daddy’s Home 2 is green lit.
In scenes of mass hysteria and celebration not seen since the end of World War 2, worldwide street parties erupted last night as news came in that Paramount Pictures and Gary Sanchez Productions are to make Daddy’s Home 2. The sequel to last Christmas’ mega hit Daddy’s Home will see Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg return as mismatched buddy characters, Dusty and Brad, names that have already become synonymous with comedy duos such as Laurel and Hardy, Abbot and Costello, Nixon and Kissinger. Sean Anders and John Morrisare also returning to write the script and Anders to direct.
From Azerbaijan to Zimbabwe the effusion of good will and joy was palpable. On the West Bank, extremist Jewish Settlers and Palestinian terrorist groups joined together for nibbles and chit-chat about what the sequel might hold. The only voice of concern was that of Will Ferrell, the star who worried that expectations were too high:
We knew when we finished making Daddy’s Home that we had made something special. Something that so far exceeded anything we had done before. The Other Guys, Get Hard, Step Brothers, those had all been great obviously but Daddy’s Home was on a totally different level and the chances of repeating that are slim. However, that said we’re going to do our best, not only for comedy, but for the starving children of Africa.
Daddy’s Home 2 will be released in 2018.