A mysterious laptop discovered on the London Underground is rumoured to contain documents which suggest that respected actress Marcia Gay Harden is a trained assassin currently working for the Central Intelligence Agency.

The documents allege that Gay Harden (who is known in international spy circles by the codename ‘Busty Fox’) is responsible for the premature death of several renown dictators including Anwar Sadat and Nicolea Ceausescu.

‘There is such a wealth of information regarding Gay Harden’s activities over the previous four decades it’s difficult to know were to start,’ said MI6 spokesman Roger Dalton.

‘From what we have gathered so far she was recruited by Peter Falk sometime in the mid 70’s. We’d known since the late 50’s that Falk was an agent. Some people believe he was the original man on the grassy knoll and I’m probably not supposed to tell you this, but do you know his series Columbo? Well, those were real crimes he was solving made to look like a TV show. It was a conspiracy by the Hollywood studio owners to protect their stars. Ricardo Montalban for example. He really did murder a bullfighter!’

Dalton went on to reveal that Harden spent three years in a Mossad training camp in Tel Aiv learning her bloody trade before returning to the US and going undercover as a jobbing actress. Dalton continued:

She’s one of the worlds most dangerous women to be sure. Rumor has it she killed a corrupt Liberian businessman with a snickers bar but Marcia isn’t the only name that appears in the files. I don’t want to reveal too much but let’s just say I’d think twice about approaching Ellen Barkin on a dark night.