OSCARS PLAN BEST PICTURES SNAFU

HOLLYWOOD – The Oscars will feature another SNAFU on the Best Picture Oscar this year.

The nominations for the 90th edition of the Academy Awards are out. And already excitement is beginning to build, with many already laying odds on who the winner might be. But one thing is certain, whoever wins the Best Picture is going to almost certainly be the second name called. We spoke with a spokesperson for the Academy:

We had such fun last year with Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. First of all we thought it was a huge mistake but we got more ratings and buzz for days and weeks afterwards than we had for any other edition. We live in a new world now and if the Oscars are going to survive it is going to have to become more and more viral. This kind of story runs and runs.

 So you’re going to intentionally give the wrong movie the Best Picture Oscar?

Exactly. We have talked about leaking it into other categories as well. Can you imagine how funny it will be when Denzel Washington gets up and starts his acceptance speech only to be interrupted and told that Daniel Day-Lewis has won it again. Hilarious.

It could upset some people.

We also thought of a new system where we announce two winners and make the decider a race to reach the podium. When Margot Robbie hears about that she’ll probably break Meryl Streep’s leg! Because of the I, Tonya, you see because…

Yeah I get it. I just don’t believe it. 

It’s adapt or die in the new social media landscape Exec. We had Ellen Degeneres doing a selfie some years back, but that stuff got old pretty fast. Now we’ve got to innovate. One idea was to burn Kevin Spacey in effigy on the stage, or even have a ‘purge’ on the red carpet. But we also want to keep the dignity of the academy going. So… this is what we’ve got.

The Oscars are broadcast March 4th, 8:00 PM ET, ABC.

 

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN TO STAR IN I, NANCY

HOLLYWOOD – Millie Bobby Brown is to hit the big screen as ice-skater Nancy Kerrigan in I, Nancy.

Remembered mainly as the ice-skater whose leg was broken allegedly by rival Tonya Harding, Nancy Kerrigan is to get her own picture with Stranger Things star Millie Bobby Brown taking the lead role. Billed by producers as a semi-sequel to the new film I, Tonya, I, Nancy will retell the story from Nancy’s perspective.

A source close to the production told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It was a lot of fun making I, Tonya and we certainly got all these perspectives and voices. But the one voice missing was that of the victim herself. Nancy was not well served by the film. She was seen as not the victim of an assault but almost the butt of a cruel joke. This film will redress that balance and Rashomon-like will add another narrative layer to a complicated tale.

Millie Bobby Brown commented:

I have studied the story of Nancy for some time and now I’m looking forward to actually embodying her. I want to get her pain, but also her grit and determination. Remember she came back from that terrible injury. It’s going to be intense, but I fully intend to turn it up to… eleven!

Margot Robbie, who stars in I, Tonya, welcomed the news.

For years there haven’t been any films about figure ice skating and now we’re going to have two that’s great. Just in the same way they have universes for Batman and Marvel, maybe we can have an ice skating universe with all of these movies basically chapters of one big story.

I, Nancy will be released in 2020.

SUICIDE SQUAD 2 SCRIPT LEAKS ONLINE

HOLLYWOOD – The script for the sequel to David Ayers’ Suicide Squad – Suicide Squad 2 – has leaked online.

Read this EXCLUSIVE extract from the much anticipated comic book move Suicide Squad 2.

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

Amanda WALLER briefs the MINISTER from a thick file as they sit in a restaurant.

WALLER

The first one is Harley Quinn. She’s the one they call Harlequin. Also known as Harl E. Quin.

MINISTER

Looks crazy.

WALLER

She is crazy. They call her Harley Quinn.

MINISTER

You said that already.

WALLER

I’ll provide a graphic as well I think. 

Graphic introduces Harley Quin, zippy and youthful. With colors.

The Waiter approaches the table. 

WAITER

Are you ready to order?

WALLER

This is the Waiter. He is the one who brings food to your table.

He usually gets it right but sometimes if he’s carrying too much

he’ll accidentally put his thumb in your food. They call him Malcolm.

Graphic introduces Malcolm the waiter. 

INT. PRISON CELL. NIGHT.

Harley QUINN is taking a shower in warm cream wearing a ZANY smile. Prison guards surround the cage. It’s not entirely clear but some of them seem to be jerking off.

HARLEY QUINN

I’m a bad girl! Hee hee! Kind of like a feminist but with a push up bra and no pants!

PRISON GUARD

She’s gorgeous and somehow reminds me of my 13 year old daughter. Which is NOT weird. 

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

WALLER

This is Deadshot. As a marksman He’s a deadshot. I guess that’s how he got his name.

EXT. FIRING RANGE. DAY.

Deadshot is given a massive array of firearms while an infographic at the bottom of the screen gives the phone number of the local branch of the NRA.

DEADSHOT

I have just a big erection right now.

DEADSHOT shoots all the the targets in the head, in the face, in the genitalia. He fires off all the fingers of the hand of a target, clips of ears and draws smiles on the faces with bullet holes.  

DEADSHOT

What’s the mission?

WALLER

There’s been another mass shooting in a school. We need you to find the mass shooter and shoot them.

DEADSHOT

How postmodern!

FINIS

 

SUICIDE SQUAD DIRECTOR SAYS HE NEVER READS REVIEWS AFTER READING REVIEWS

HOLLYWOOD – David Ayer the director of DC Comics Suicide Squad said today that he never reads reviews.

Talking from his apartment filled with cuttings from all the trades and print outs of all the internet reviews, David Ayer said he never reads reviews and anyway he doesn’t care what the critics say. He asserted that he doesn’t make movies for the critics, he makes them for the fans.

I don’t care what they say. I mean what do critics know about films anyway. They’re the same critics who took a shit on Mall Cop 2 and Jersey Girl which are now being hailed modern classics. Actually the reviews for Suicide Squad might be really good. I don’t know because I don’t read them. Never have. I make it for the fans.

What if the fans don’t like the film?

Then I’ll make films for the magical people who live in my head.

Suicide Squad stars Will Smith, Margot Robbie and Jared Leto as the Joker.

NEW TARZAN ALEXANDER SKARSGARD COMPLAINS OF ‘OBJECTIFICATION’

HOLLYWOOD – The titular star of the forthcoming The Legend of Tarzan Alexander Skarsgard has complained that he has been objectified by the filmmakers.

Alexander Skarsgard has gone public with claims that his latest movie, The Legend of Tarzan has objectified him and the director shot him ‘as if I was a piece of meat’.

It’s revolting. I’m a serious actor and I have a lot of ideas as well, and a brain, and a personality. But the minute I came into casting, it was just take off your shirt, stand there. Spraying water on me left, right and center. When I first met the director David Yates, I walked into the room and I couldn’t believe it. He was telling me about the role and I had to say to him ‘My eyes are up here pal!’

The Lord of the Jungle created by Edgar Rice Burroughs sees a new adventure starring a high profile cast. Margot Robbie plays Jane and Captain Leon Rom is played by double Oscar winner Christoph Waltz. Samuel L. Jackson, Djimon Hounsou, John Hurt and Jim Broadbent co-star. Despite his criticism, director Yates had nothing but praise for his star:

Alexander is a very talented actor. I mean have you seen his torso. Imagine him getting all steamed up in the rain forest. Rivulets of sweat running down his chiseled abdominal muscles. Excuse me can we open a window.

We asked Alexander if what he was undergoing might be similar to what his female co-stars had to undergo on a daily basis. Isn’t this just sexism?

Yes but ladies are sexy.

The Legend of Tarzan will be released in 2016.