5 THINGS WRONG WITH THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – The Justice League hit theaters and was immediately hailed as a masterpiece of its genre.

The New York Times called it ‘The Casablanca of Superhero movies’ and Variety said ‘Eat your heart out Christopher Nolan.’

But – as rebellious as ever – The Studio Exec is not fully convinced.

So here are our five minor problems with Zach Snyder/ Joss Whedon’s new movie:

1. It’s shit.

2. Everyone looks tired and depressed. First, Ben Affleck looks like they CGIed Ryan Reynolds head onto Dave Bautista’s body. Second, Amy Adams looks like she’s performing under duress. As if someone is just off camera with a cattle prod, blocking the exit. She looks so bored and they used a crayon to color in her hair. Then Diane Lane is too obviously happy just to get work. Finally, Gal Gadot looks confused that she can be in such a bad film after having been in such a good one. Weirdly, Henry Cavill shines.

3. The film is as visually interesting as an infomercial. As much as I hated Batman V Superman and Man of Steel, those films had a certain visual pomposity that was compelling. Here, not only is the CGI like mid-90s Star Trek, but every shot, hero entrance, etc etc looks like a rush job for a poorly funded advertising agency. Take the iconic moment towards the end where Clark Kent becomes Superman. It looked like a TV advert featuring Superman. Nothing momentous happens.

In rushing to be the Avengers, they threw out the epic with the dourness.

4. Which leads us to: the humor wasn’t funny. It’s like sitting at a wedding reception with that guy who is really funny and then someone else tries to go toe to toe with them, but they don’t have the material. Unfunny humor isn’t just not funny, it is deeply depressing. They label every joke ‘JOKE’. The Flash (Ezra Miller) is annoying. Really annoying. It is like they took Zach Snyder’s sense of humor and mixed it with Joss Whedon’s visual flair. And that line is funnier than anything in the movie.

5. The Avengers. Anything DC does feels like catch up. And that’s a pity. Aquaman sounds like Thor, Superman like Captain America, Batman like Tony Stark, Flash like Peter Parker. The getting the team together to beat a CGI thing with the blue light from the sky and the cubes… whatever. Do we really want anymore universes? What was a neat idea ten years ago is beginning to look lazy bloated franchise think. Isn’t it time to finally give up?

 For more FACTS click here.

AMY ADAMS’ TOP 5 POP TARTS

HOLLYWOOD – Amy Adams – the versatile Hollywood actress of The Master, Man of Steel, American Hustle and Arrival – came into the Studio Exec office to give us her top 5 Pop Tarts.

1. S’Mores: Amy Adams. ‘Sticky marshmallow and melted chocolate in one scrumptious pastry pocket, this is a traditional favorite in the the Adam’s household. Paul Thomas Anderson hates them.’

2. Frosted Strawberry. Amy Adams. ‘When we were making The Fighter, Christian Bale had lost a lot of weight for the role so I used to taunt him with Frosted Strawberry pop tarts. But the joke was on me. When we were doing American Hustle, Christian would gorge on them and I had to watch my figure, ha ha!’

3. Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich. Amy Adams. ‘When people ask me what’s Jason Segel like in real life I always tell them he’s like a Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop Tart. It’s easier than telling the truth.’

 4. Cinnamon Roll. Amy Adams. ‘People wonder whether Trouble With the Curve was a misstep in my career, but I think when you get the chance of working with a genuine Hollywood legend like Clint you grab it with both hands.’

 5. Chocolate Chip. Amy Adams. ‘You know actually I don’t really eat Pop Tarts that much. I’m just copying these names of Wikipedia. Who knew they had a page devoted to Pop Tart flavors? It’s just I heard Jessica Chastain was doing a Hot Pockets top five for The Hollywood Reporter and anything that bitch can do, I can do a thousand times better.’

For more of Amy Adams’ Top 5 Advice Click Here.

AMY ADAMS’ TOP 5 EXTERNAL HARD DRIVES

HOLLYWOOD – Amy Adams – the versatile Hollywood actress of The Master, Man of Steel and American Hustle – came into the Studio Exec office to give us her top 5 external hard drives of 2016.

So Amy Adams! Hard Drives. Go!

1. The Buffalo Drive Station DDR: Amy Adams: “At 3 TB this drive has roomy capacity. Perfect for back up but also for storing all those whopping media files you might have illegally downloaded, you darn critters. It’s fast and super efficient. Though it can be a bit pricey, so you might want to ask yourself do I need all that space?” 

2. IoSafe Solo G3: Amy Adams: “Also providing 3 TB, the IoSafe is principally for back up. It’s a safe as houses Hard Drive with no frills.”  

3. LaCie 5Big Thunderbolt: Amy Adams: “Whereas the previous two gave you 3 TBs a piece, the Thunderbolt gives you a ginormous 20 TB, which basically means you can back up your own brain if you want to. However, be warned the price tag is as hefty as the memory capacity.” 

4. Toshiba Canvio: Amy Adams: “At the lower end of the market and very good value, we have the Toshiba. It only provides 1TB, but for most of us that is more than enough. Perfect for your personal computing needs, photos, media files etc.”

5. WD My Passport Ultra: Amy Adams: “This is the compromise buy. Those who want a little extra room but don’t want to pay the Ka-Boom!  I know for a fact this is what Paul Thomas Anderson uses to name but one of the many directors I’ve worked with.”

For more of Amy Adams’ Top 5 advice Click Here

ZACK SNYDER’S NEXT FILM: ‘ONE LONG SLOW MOTION FUNERAL IN THE RAIN’

HOLLYWOOD – Zack Snyder announces his dream project.

Once Justice League is completed, Zack Snyder has revealed that his next film will be a departure from the comic book universe and will consist entirely of one long slow motion funeral in the rain.

The 300 and Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice director, Zack Snyder has spoken about his next project EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It’s just going to be a funeral in slow motion in the rain and we’re going to ahve lots and lots of flashbacks but all the flashbacks are also going to be to slow motion funerals in the rain. It’s what I was born to do.

You do like slow motion funerals.

I do. I slow motion funerals, I love destroying cities, I love montages and I love pineapples. But Spongebob ruined those for everyone else. I still got the funerals though. They belong to me.

Four Slow Motion Funerals and No Wedding will be released in 2018.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HENRY CAVILL

HOLLYWOOD – He is Superman in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice but what do we really know about British born actor Henry Cavill?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT Squad into Metropolis to discover 5 FACTS about Henry Cavill, the man of steel. Here they are:

  1. Henry Cavill was born on a planet that was about to be destroyed by its own volcanoes. He was placed in a space ship by Maximus.
  2. As well as being The Man From Uncle in Guy Ritchie’s remake, Henry Cavill is actually an uncle, after his brother or sister had a child.
  3. Henry Cavill was originally in contention to play Edward in Twilight, 007 in Casino Royale and Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games. He lost the roles for different reasons. He was too old for Twilight; too young for Casino Royale; and too male for The Hunger Games.
  4. Although Henry Cavill killed Michael Shannon at the end of Man of Steel (SPOILER ALERT), he was never arrested because it was all pretend.
  5. While filming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder encouraged the two leads to have an adversarial relationship by telling them they were both shit.

For more FACTS click HERE.

EXPECTING A ZACK SNYDER FILM TO BE GOOD RECOGNIZED AS MENTAL DISORDER

HOLLYWOOD – Psychiatrists identify Zack Snyder Syndrome as the repeated expectation that a Zack Snyder film will be good.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Handbook of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition – aka DSM-5 – has identified Zack Snyder Syndrome as ‘the persistent expectation that a Zack Snyder film will be anything other than a soggy wash of CGI swill plumped up with foolish pretensions and belabored stupidity’. It registers as a mental illness because of a ‘complete denial of reality and the repeated assumption that future results will proceed from identical initial conditions.’

Dr. Oliver Patrician visited the Studio Exec clinic to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the new condition and in doing so ‘raise awareness’:

We have seen people again and again come with this. They expect Watchmen to be good: and it isn’t. Then they expect Sucker Punch to be good. Again, not great, or good even. Then they go to see Man of Steel and despite repeated warnings and Zack Snyder’s name appearing prominently on publicity materials, they expect it to be great and it isn’t. This leads us to Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and the strange phenomena that people were still expecting it to be good. At this point, we felt as a body that we ought to step in and diagnose this as an actual condition. Hopefully in the future people who expect a Zack Snyder film to be good will be able to seek treatment in good time.

Why is this condition so widespread?

In a word 300. People thought it was good. Competent. Arresting. And there are moments in all of Zack Snyder’s films but the arc of anticipation, excitement, disappointment and anger; denial, betrayal and grief has become so obviously predictable as to constitute a psychosis.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will be banned in many countries following this news.

MATT DAMON IS ROBIN

HOLLYWOOD – Once the news had come through that Ben Affleck was to play the caped crusader, the Dark Knight, the …  erm Batman, then it was a no brainer who would play his ward and sidekick, Robin: Matt Damon. And so it proved.

Continue reading “MATT DAMON IS ROBIN”

FIRST IMAGE OF BEN AFFLECK AS BATMAN CAUSES CONFUSION

HOLLYWOOD – The first image of Ben Affleck as Batman in Zack Snyder’s Batman V Superman has caused confusion and consternation among fans.

The very first image of Ben Affleck as Batman has been published EXCLUSIVELY by the Studio Exec, but the reception has not been unambiguous and some are claiming that the whole idea of an Affleck Batman is fatally flawed.

Lead geek Henry Bolt said:

Ben Affleck is obviously wearing the wrong costume. Anyone can see he ought to be wearing a mask with little pointy ears and not this ridiculous get up. It’s just so … Frankly, it’s embarrassing.

Ben Affleck in the photograph seems to be frowning and slightly perplexed, as if asking himself, ‘Wait, is this actually my changing room?’ but Mr. Snyder believes that it will all be fixed in post ‘where movie magic happens’.

Snyder spoke to the Studio Exec following the publication of the photograph: 

This is just a storm in a teacup. Believe me. It’s like with Russell Crowe in Man of Steel. We invited him to the set and we did this whole ludicrous subplot about him being Superman’s father and it was terrible. Russell said, ‘cut it out. I don’t like it and no one else will’. ‘Don’t worry’ I said, ‘we’ll edit you out.’ And that’s what we did. What? What do you mean we didn’t? 

Batman v Superman looks like being one of the most widely anticipated bad films of 2016. 

REMAKE WATCH: GUY RITCHIE’S THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E

ROME – Due to be released this year, Guy Ritchie sets off on a globe trotting franchise with The Man From U.N.C.L.E. starring Henry Cavill as Napoleon Solo and Armie Hammer as Illya Kuryakin.  

Based on the NBC TV show which ran from 1964-68, the new film employs the writing-directing team which brought us the most recent cinematic version of Sherlock Holmes. Director Ritchie has vowed that it will be the most ecological film ever made, using wood coming only from sustainable forests and woodland. Henry Cavill, who recently mahogany-ed it up as Man of Steel, will go trunk to trunk with the Lone Ranger himself, Armie Hammer. Additional timber will be provided by Hugh Grant and a possible guest appearance by David Beckham, whose role will presumably be too make the others look like actors. Plot details are scant but if Ritchie’s recent form is anything to go by, you can expect a tongue in cheek romp which doesn’t overly disturb higher brain functions. One can also hope that with international intrigue high on the agenda, it keeps Mr. Ritchie away from his blessed cockneys. 

MAN OF STEEL: REVIEW

The director of Sucker Punch and Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole.

The writer of Jumper and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.


The executive producer of Who’s That Girl and The Bonfire of the Vanities.


The composer of Kung Fu Panda 2 and Thunderbirds.


The editor of What Dreams May Come and Wanted.


The cinematographer of Freejack and Coyote Ugly.


The visual effects wizards behind The Lovely Bones and King Kong.


And a virtually unknown English actor playing America’s most iconic superhero…


What could possibly go wrong???

Nothing, as it turns out.


It’s great. Go see it.

MAN OF STEEL LAWSUIT ISSUED

HOLLYWOOD – A lawsuit has been issued against ‘director’ Zack Snyder and producer Christopher Nolan to immediately cease and desist promotion of the movie/film/cinematic product Man of Steel, a trailer for which has recently been released and which is due to hit screens on June the 14th, 2013.

The lawsuit was issued for copyright breach and plagiarism and was issued in the name of DC Comics by Mr. Arron Sucklenet.

‘I’ve been keeping my eye on this Man of Steel malarkey, the posters and all,’ said Sucklenet. ‘With everything I saw, my suspicions grew, but once I saw the trailer, the second one that is not the one Terrence Malick directed, the second one, I knew I had to act. Man of Steel is just a cheap rip off of Superman. There’s the badge, the costume – stuff with the school bus? fuck that, I don’t know what that’s about – but then there’s even the Fortress of Solitude.’

Mr Sucklenet has previously sued Christopher Nolan on behalf of the Bob Kane estate when he claimed The Dark Knight was actually a Batman film! The case was settled out of court and many were expecting Sucklenet to reappear when The Dark Knight Rises was released, but he said: ‘That was obviously not Batman. I mean, seriously.’


With Man of Steel, Sucklenet claims to have an unanswerable case: ‘They’ve tried to throw stuff in to cover their tracks. Noah turns up for instance which is not in the original comic book, but I think even a child could see Man of Steel is Superman.’


Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan were both washing their hair and thus unable to comment.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT JON HAMM

HOLLYWOOD – Jon Hamm used to be Don Draper, but Don Draper wasn’t really Don Draper so what do we really know about John Hamm?

The Studio Exec FACT Squad drank themselves to death finding out.
1. In order to disguise himself when booking into French hotels. John Hamm uses the pseudonym Jean Jambon.

2. Prior to auditioning for the role of Superman in Zack Snyder’s upcoming Man of Steel. Jon spent a year on Krypton learning to fly, leap tall buildings in a single bound and run faster than a speeding bullet. Unfortunately he was unable to master heat vision which gave producers no alternative but to turn him down.
3. Jon was a waiter in L.A. prior to finding work as an actor. During this period he says his biggest claim to fame was Annette Bening throwing up chicken chasseur all over his shoes.

4. He is such a big fan of Mary Poppins he spent three years impersonating Dick Van Dyke and sleeping with his friends’ nannies. This came to an end when in 1998 he was arrested in Trafalgar square for jumping on a street artist’s chalk drawing and breaking his finger.
5. Due to the excessive cigarette and alcohol consumption of his Mad Men character Don Draper. Jon has had two liver transplants in six years and is currently waiting on an 18 year old Tongan boy to succumb to his injuries so he can have his lungs.
For more FACTS click HERE.
 
 

THE STUDIO EXEC’S 2013 FILM PREVIEW















Films, Films, Films.
Some are long, some are short and some are in-between.
Lots of films were released last year and lots of films will be released this year.
Some will be good, some will be bad and some will be in-between.

Here’s a preview: 

1. To The Wonder

Everyone who has seen it hates it and by all accounts Malick has finally disappeared up his own ass and can’t find the light switch. Every film critic will put it on their 2013 must see list rather than Iron Man 3 because they lay in bed at night clutching their teddy bears and having wet dreams about writing a column in Variety.

2.  The Double

When I say The Double I really mean Thor 2: The Dark World but I’m frightened to come out to my parents in case they say they don’t love me any more.

3.  Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill for.

Not content with making a trunk load of crappy movies over the past decade, Robert Rodriguez has decided the sequel to his greatest work will be in 3D. I don’t even care if it’s good I’m still going to throw used nappies at the screen in protest. During Machete I threw babies.

4. Star Trek into Darkness

I don’t like J.J. Abrams face. He looks like a pale Henry Kissinger and it unnerves me. Still you can’t beat a bit of Star Trek and hopefully this time Luke Skywalker manages to sleep with his sister and defeat the villainous Ming the Merciless.

5. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Films about magicians are always good and Jim Carey’s in it. I like Jim but he’s spent the last 5 years suckling on Jenny McCarthy’s breasts and pissing around with Penguins. Thankfully they split and Jim’s back on the lithium.

6. Mad Max: Fury Road

I had a drink with Mel the other day and he expressed regret that he never took up George Miller’s offer and reprised the role of Max. He was drunk though in fact I think that was the night he drove his car into the Wailing Wall with a boot full of dynamite.

7.  After Earth

I always look forward to an M. Night Shyamalan movie and of course when I say look forward I actually mean I’d rather flour and crumb my genitals and dunk them in a deep fat fryer than sit through another one of his cinematic crimes. This one has Will Smith in it. You know that wacky Fresh Prince guy who used to have a personality until Tom Cruise ate his soul during a Scientology induction ceremony.

8. The Hobbit 2: Back in the Hobbit

Peter Jackson said he will double the frames per second to 96 allowing the audience to see through time and space and into a parallel universe where Steven Spielberg is black, people go to work on roller coasters and coffee tastes like tea.

9. Man of Steel

I always get Henry Cavill confused with Jim Caviezel. I know they don’t look the same but my mind is unable to comprehend that they exist as two separate entities. At least I assume they do as I’ve never seen them together and come to think of it. I haven’t seen Caviezel since he did that Jesus film so maybe there is truth in the rumour that Mel Gibson actually crucified him and he came back as Henry Cavill.

10.  Some Art House film nobody has heard of.

Choosing something obscure in your top ten list will impress your peers and give everyone the impression that you’re classy and refined. On the other hand you can just cheat and say you’re looking forward to Denis Dugàn’s  Les grandes personnes deux.


TOP 10 FACTS: ‘MAN OF STEEL’

HOLLYWOOD – What are the facts about Man of Steel? Nobody knows.

So here they are. The Facts. About Man of Steel.

  1.  Executive Producer Jon Peter’s is the former hairdresser of Barbara Streisand and the inventor of the mullet.
  1. Henry Cavill spent a year on the Planet Krypton in order to prepare for the role of Superman/Clark Kent. During his stay he learnt basic Kryptonese which enabled him to order in restaurants and ask for directions to the train station.
  1. Michael Shannon will play the villainous General Zod, a role formerly played by British actor Terence Stamp. Coincidently both Shannon and Stamp are very fond of Pea and Ham soup.
     
  2. Adam Sandler, David Spade, Rob Schneider and Kevin James were all considered for the role of Superman in a parallel universe.
     
  3. Damon Lindelof was originally hired to write the script. In his version Superman is a god who was impregnated by a squid which eventually resulted in the creation of human beings. Warner Brothers CEO Barry Meyer rejected the treatment on the grounds of it being “Bullshit”
     
  4. Russell Crowe will play the part of Superman’s father Jor-El, a role formerly played by Marlon Brando. Director Zack Snyder wanted Brando to reprise the role but Marlon never returned his calls.
     
  5. Cavill was so immersed in his character he spent hours staring at frozen microwave meals in Supermarkets trying to cook them with his heat vision.
     
  6. Zack Snyder agreed to have Christopher Nolan enter his mind and erase all memory of Sucker Punch before he was hired to direct.
     
  7. Rumour had it that Batman would make a cameo appearance after Christian Bale was spotted in costume on set but according to Snyder, Bale was simply asking the crew if they had any information about the whereabouts of The Riddler.
     
  8. Brandon Routh was also seen on set which gave rise to speculation he was going to play Superman’s evil twin. Turns out he was just delivering Pizza. 
     
    For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!