EVERYONE WHO SAW MONSTER-IN-LAW TO BE JAILED

SOUTH CAROLINA – Following the arrest and jailing of Kayla Michelle Finlay, Federal legal authorities are promising that anyone who intentionally bought or rented Monster-in-Law will be arrested and incarcerated for an undisclosed period of time.

Eric Holder the attorney general vowed to use the full force of his office to bring viewers of the Jennifer Lopez/Jane Fonda ‘comedy’ to justice retroactively. 

Notwithstanding the time that has passed we are confident that we can track down these individuals and bring down upon them the full weight of the law. 

Various civil rights groups initially wished to protest, but on fully apprehending the gravity of the charges and specifically the involvement of Jennifer Lopez in the case, have withdrawn all legal protests and are now refusing to contest the charges. A spokesperson for Amnesty International said:

We’re washing our hands of this case and any subsequent cases like it. Anyone who does what Kayla Michelle Finlay did, viciously and with knowledge of forethought sit down and watch this kind of pernicious slop frankly deserves whatever they get. However, we would contend that this is a dangerous precedent.  

However, Jennifer Lopez herself took the opportunity to respond through her lawyers:

When they came for those who watched Monster-in-Law, I said nothing. When they came for those who watched Maid in Manhattan, I looked the other way. When they came for The Wedding Organizer, there was no one left to speak out for me. 

If you have any information about people watching Jennifer Lopez comedies – with the exception of Out of Sight – please contact your local police department. 

RALPH FIENNES: I ALMOST GAVE UP ACTING AFTER MAID IN MANHATTAN

NEW YORK – Ralph Fiennes today confessed exclusively to Studio Exec that his acting career almost ended with the 2002 romantic comedy Maid in Manhattan starring Jennifer Lopez.

‘Every actor has an ambition to aim for the best,’ said Fiennes, scratching his trademark chin.

Challenges they wish to overcome, levels they wish to achieve. When I made Schindler’s List I achieved one of those ambitions, but when I finished Maid in Manhattan with Jenny Lopez I was just spent. I said “I’m done: I will never be better than that. Why go on?”

In the film Fiennes plays Christopher Marshall, a senator who mistakes Jennifer Lopez’s working class hotel maid for a high class socialite. The comedy of errors threatens to wreck his career but also leads him to understand that love knows no boundaries of social class.

‘It’s classic Marxism, when you think about it and that was John [Hughes]’s genius,’ said Ralph. ‘After we wrapped and we watched the film Wayne [Wang] came up to me and said “You just destroyed the whole idea of acting and then rebuilt it like a robot phoenix”. Jenny was weeping. She said she was never going to act again. And you know she didn’t.’

After a break of a couple of years, Fiennes returned to the screen. ‘I knew I would never ever get to that summit once more,’ he laughed and smiled. ‘But to have been there even once is an honor.’