MAGIC MIKE XXL IMAX 3D CAUSES INJURIES

HOLLYWOOD – In three separate incidents screenings of Magic Mike XXL IMAX 3D have had to be stopped because of injuries ranging from heart palpitations to dislocated wrists.

Magic Mike XXL released on Tuesday has been doing good business ahead of the July 4 weekend, but in several 3D IMAX showings cinema managers have had to call paramedics to treat injured audience members. Cinema manager Carlton Cassonile spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec via Skype:

It’s the darnedest thing. We get a lot of girls coming to the theater in groups, bacholerette parties and what have you. And quite a few gay men too. The experience of Magic Mike XXL is already pretty raucous and we do have to steam clean the upholstery after every screening, but some of these shows have descended into a lurid no-holds barred bacchanalia not seen since the latter half of the Roman Emperor. I swear to God that one of the ladies was so contorted we need fire officers with cutting gear to get her out.

Asked to comment about the incidents, star Channing Tatum simply said:

Huh, huh, yeah. Right. Cutting gear!

Sociologist Xavier Poulis commented:

Films appealing to female sexuality are now becoming huge business. We have Magic Mike XXL, 50 Shades of Grey and – of course – The Second Best Marigold Hotel. All of these films have earned millions of dollars but have also broken the traditional family unit and spilled out what can only be described as a soppingly moist female fervor of sexual ecstasy, the vibrations of which can destroy buildings. Men should be warned of what is taking place, for when their wives and girlfriends come home, they are going to be in a great deal of trouble. If they come home…

Magic Mike XXL is on current release.

 

STEVEN SODERBERGH DOESN’T EXIST

HOLLYWOOD – In a stunning revelation today, it was finally admitted that the director and film maker Steven Soderbergh doesn’t actually exist.

The name ‘Steven Soderbergh’ was created by the Director’s Guild of America so that directors who were for some reason dissatisfied with the final film could remove their own name from the credits.

DGA spokesperson Sean Hannity said:

We had been using Alan Smithee but that was becoming too well known and they even made a film called An Alan Smithee Film, so we retired Alan and welcomed Steve to the job. 

The first film to feature the Soderbergh Identity – as it became known in the business – was veteran director Woody Allen. His Sex, Lies and Videotape had been an attempt to attract the youth market but when watching it he commented, ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just full of these fools jabbering on and it was crazy. No one’s going to go for this. So the DGA said we have this new name and I said be my guest. But then it won at Sundance! So the egg was on my face.’

Following the surprise success of what Allen had dubbed Footloose without the songs, actor Tonka Marshall was hired to play the director in order to pick up the award and do the interviews as Soderbergh.

Tonka told the Studio Exec:  

I’d been Ronald McDonald for like three years and I was sick of it so when this gig came up I thought sure why not. It was only supposed to be a one off thing because of Sundance, but then the films people were using the name for kept being surprise successes and they wouldn’t let me go. I even grew a beard but they found me and took me back to the compound. 

Tonka goes solo

The Quentin Tarantino directed Out of Sight was followed by the Coen Brothers hugely disappointing Oceans 11.

‘Terrence Malick was the guy who used the name the most,’ says Hannity. ‘He did the Che films, Erin Brokovich, Contagion and Magic Mike, which was originally called To the Enormous Wonder of Magic Mike’s Tree of Life. Paul Greengrass used the name for his piss poor Bourne spin-off Haywire.’ 

Tonka continues:

It all became a bit much and a few years ago I decided to retire, I would really like t o write a novel, but they decided that they would still use me, like when that awful Clive Owen show The Knick came out, but it is really only on a part time basis.

Tonka Marshall’s I was Steven Soderbergh is now available from all good book shops.

CHANNING TATUM TO RETURN TO STRIPPING

HOLLYWOOD – The world of movies was rocked today by the news that Jump Street 22 star Channing Tatum was to return to the world of male stripping from whence he came.

Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec Mr. Tatum said:

When I was a male stripper all I dreamed of was becoming a Hollywood star. Well, I’ve done that. I’ve worked with the greats like Jonah Hill and Mila Kunis, and I’ve also worked with Gina Carano. Basically I think, it’s been fun but it’s time to get back to doing what I really love doing and what I know I’m good at.

But Channing, you’re a fantastic actor. Why throw that away?

I have to say, I thought the pay would be a bit better. I’m not complaining, but I thought I’d be making at least 60 – 70K a year, but my manager Joey tells me that not even Michael Keaton can command those numbers. You should meet Joey. He’s a cool guy. Used to be Diane Kruger’s food taster. 

So you make more stripping.

Yeah. And I get to express myself. I mean have you ever stripped?

No.

It’s hard to explain to someone who has never been up there. I mean, all these women are looking at you and some gay guys. And you’re wearing half of what’s left of a traffic cop costume. And whipped cream is everywhere, the smell of sweat and tassel glue, you’re humping and grinding away. It’s… artistic. You know.

So that’s it for film. 

Yeah. Unless there’s some stripping involved I don’t think I’ll be interested. We’ll see what Joey says. 

This hasn’t got anything to do with Jupiter Ascending, has it? 

The interview’s over. 

Jupiter Ascending will be released in 2040.

MAGIC MIKE 2: MAGIC MICHELLE?

HOLLYWOOD – Channing Tatum star and upcoming director has been talking up the Magic Mike sequel due for release in the Summer of 2015 and revealed an important plot point.

The 22 Jump Street star revealed the original premise to the Studio Exec exclusively yesterday:

We went quite far with the world of male stripping and it was a world I knew about and Steven was really interested in. And that worked for the first film. But I began to think early on in the process for doing the sequel, why don’t we flip it? What about a bit of a reversal? I mean, can you imagine what it would be like if it was a woman who took of her clothes for money and not a man? Yeah, you see. I just blew your mind. 

Wow.

I know, right? I mean men taking off their clothes, we’ve seen that. We know what that’s about. Men stripping for girls and women, or for other men. It’s familiar. But a woman, by which I mean a lady, taking of her clothes that’s… transgressive.

So the story? 

Mike’s sister (Rooney Mara) – who’s always been a bit judgmental of the whole stripping thing – she is a bit down on her look and she meet Michelle Rodriguez, a wild child, who introduces her to the shadowy depths of ‘female’ strip clubs. It’s going to be pretty far out.

Aren’t you worried about classification?

The last thing we want to do is anything tasteless. We know how much the culture can take and where the line is drawn. I think the whole of the Hollywood establishment would revolt and lynch us if they believed even for a second that we were showing female flesh excessively or purely for titillation. And they’d be right. After all those are our sisters, our mothers, our daughters man.

Isn’t there a risk that other, seedier directors might exploit this new idea?

There is always that risk but I would actually then rely on the moral probity of everyone in this industry to act as a kind of safe fail device, protecting the public from the objectification of women. Something that has so far never happened and I would hope will never happen, either in this film or in any films to come.

Magic Michelle will be released July 4, 2015. 

 

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY LEARNS TO READ

MEMPHIS – When Matthew McConaughey picked up the Golden Globe followed by a Best Actor Oscar nomination for The Dallas Buyer’s Club, the critical establishment opened their windows, leaned out into the night air and shouted ‘What the F*ck?’ 

Anyone following the career of the McConotron (as he prefers to be known) may well have been stumped for an explanation as to his recent run of form.

After years of pouring out ludicrous bile worthy tripe such as Sahara, Fool’s Gold, Failure to Launch, and How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, the erstwhile crap magnet has managed to string together a slew of decent films. Killer Joe, Mud and Magic Mike all feature McConaughey – as he prefers to be known – in full Thespian flow. The secret – revealed to Studio Exec – is simple: Matthew McConaughey has learnt to read.


It makes choosing scripts much easier,’ M&Ms said recently. ‘Prior to that I’d just weigh them in my hand. Or throw them against the wall, sniff them or something. The I’d say “A-right, a-right, a-right!” and that’s that.’

Matty McC had tried to learn to read in the past, helped by co-‘star’ Kate Hudson, but was hampered by the fact that Ms. Hudson herself didn’t know how to read and was in fact ‘pretending’, guessing at the meaning of the words by the shape they made on the page. In this way she taught McConaughey that the word ‘encyclopaedic’ meant train, because ‘it kinda looks like a train, don’t she’.


McConaughey now delights in the written word, though sometimes he does revert to old methods. ‘When I got the script for The Paperboy, I didn’t have much time so I just licked a couple of pages and they tasted okay,’ the McConatron smiles ruefully. ‘I won’t be doing that again.’


Matthew Mcconaughey’s The Brothers Karamazov will be released in 2015.

STEVEN SODERBERGH’S JOB SEARCH

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Soderbergh announced that his latest film Side Effects will be his last film and he is now going to spend his time … doing what? Studio Exec decided in his glory to give some tips to the new job seeker and see if we can’t see Mr. Soderbergh gainfully employed in something that won’t unleash another Full Frontal on our cinema screens.

So here are the TOP FIVE options.

  1. DeeJay: This is a great job because we all know Steven likes music and he looks like Moby, which can’t hurt. He would also be available for weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, birthday parties and (gulp) retirement parties. He could use the moniker DJ Sod and concentrate on eighties nostalgia with a playlist heavy on the Spandau. 
  2. Steeplejack: I don’t actually know what one of these is but if Steven became one it would be a good chance for me to find out. That would be like a good Side Effect!
  3. Oceanographer: He could chum up with his pal James Cameron and together they could explore the Mariana Trench. After all one of them is a self-proclaimed expert on oceans and the other made three films with the word ocean in the title.   
  4. Pornographer: Although Steven has never made a ‘porno-film’, he has worked with porno actress Sasha Grey on The Girlfriend Experience and so has an ‘in’ so to speak. And Magic Mike was also about the softer side of the sex industry. 
  5. Astronaut: This strikes me as the perfect job. With Solaris we saw how comfortable Steven was with large empty spaces and it would give him a lot of time to get some reading done.

Do you have any ideas for what Steven could do now? Please post comments or contact us via Twitter and Facebook.