STEVEN SODERBERGH DOESN’T EXIST

HOLLYWOOD – In a stunning revelation today, it was finally admitted that the director and film maker Steven Soderbergh doesn’t actually exist.

The name ‘Steven Soderbergh’ was created by the Director’s Guild of America so that directors who were for some reason dissatisfied with the final film could remove their own name from the credits.

DGA spokesperson Sean Hannity said:

We had been using Alan Smithee but that was becoming too well known and they even made a film called An Alan Smithee Film, so we retired Alan and welcomed Steve to the job. 

The first film to feature the Soderbergh Identity – as it became known in the business – was veteran director Woody Allen. His Sex, Lies and Videotape had been an attempt to attract the youth market but when watching it he commented, ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just full of these fools jabbering on and it was crazy. No one’s going to go for this. So the DGA said we have this new name and I said be my guest. But then it won at Sundance! So the egg was on my face.’

Following the surprise success of what Allen had dubbed Footloose without the songs, actor Tonka Marshall was hired to play the director in order to pick up the award and do the interviews as Soderbergh.

Tonka told the Studio Exec:  

I’d been Ronald McDonald for like three years and I was sick of it so when this gig came up I thought sure why not. It was only supposed to be a one off thing because of Sundance, but then the films people were using the name for kept being surprise successes and they wouldn’t let me go. I even grew a beard but they found me and took me back to the compound. 

Tonka goes solo

The Quentin Tarantino directed Out of Sight was followed by the Coen Brothers hugely disappointing Oceans 11.

‘Terrence Malick was the guy who used the name the most,’ says Hannity. ‘He did the Che films, Erin Brokovich, Contagion and Magic Mike, which was originally called To the Enormous Wonder of Magic Mike’s Tree of Life. Paul Greengrass used the name for his piss poor Bourne spin-off Haywire.’ 

Tonka continues:

It all became a bit much and a few years ago I decided to retire, I would really like t o write a novel, but they decided that they would still use me, like when that awful Clive Owen show The Knick came out, but it is really only on a part time basis.

Tonka Marshall’s I was Steven Soderbergh is now available from all good book shops.

MAGIC MIKE 2: MAGIC MICHELLE?

HOLLYWOOD – Channing Tatum star and upcoming director has been talking up the Magic Mike sequel due for release in the Summer of 2015 and revealed an important plot point.

The 22 Jump Street star revealed the original premise to the Studio Exec exclusively yesterday:

We went quite far with the world of male stripping and it was a world I knew about and Steven was really interested in. And that worked for the first film. But I began to think early on in the process for doing the sequel, why don’t we flip it? What about a bit of a reversal? I mean, can you imagine what it would be like if it was a woman who took of her clothes for money and not a man? Yeah, you see. I just blew your mind. 

Wow.

I know, right? I mean men taking off their clothes, we’ve seen that. We know what that’s about. Men stripping for girls and women, or for other men. It’s familiar. But a woman, by which I mean a lady, taking of her clothes that’s… transgressive.

So the story? 

Mike’s sister (Rooney Mara) – who’s always been a bit judgmental of the whole stripping thing – she is a bit down on her look and she meet Michelle Rodriguez, a wild child, who introduces her to the shadowy depths of ‘female’ strip clubs. It’s going to be pretty far out.

Aren’t you worried about classification?

The last thing we want to do is anything tasteless. We know how much the culture can take and where the line is drawn. I think the whole of the Hollywood establishment would revolt and lynch us if they believed even for a second that we were showing female flesh excessively or purely for titillation. And they’d be right. After all those are our sisters, our mothers, our daughters man.

Isn’t there a risk that other, seedier directors might exploit this new idea?

There is always that risk but I would actually then rely on the moral probity of everyone in this industry to act as a kind of safe fail device, protecting the public from the objectification of women. Something that has so far never happened and I would hope will never happen, either in this film or in any films to come.

Magic Michelle will be released July 4, 2015.