HOLLYWOOD – How many times have you been watching a good film almost ruined by the absence of a comedy giraffe?

Hundreds? Thousands? Even millions! Well, the Studio Exec FACT squad has been out in force with pencils and pieces of paper and have created a list of five films which would have been improved somewhat by the simple addition of a comedy giraffe.

1. Interstellar: Sure the visuals were stunning. Yes the black holes in the plot were irritating. Of course Anne Hathaway could occasionally change expression. But what ultimately brought many viewers of Christopher Nolan’s IMAX spectacular down to earth with a bump was the complete absence of an African even toed ungulate mammal with a wise cracking sense of humor. Scenes of action and tension could have been leavened with the humor of seeing a giraffe floating around in zero gravity, perhaps repeating the catch phrase in a comedy Brooklyn accent, ‘How did I get here?’ That’d even make Matthew McConaughey smile.

2. Whiplash: Yes CK Simmons gives an Oscar worthy performance. Yes Miles Teller is fastly emerging as on of the most interesting acting talents of his generation. But why couldn’t this tale of an obsessive jazz musician student locked in a poisonous relationship with his sadistic perfectionist teacher have included a pet giraffe that the student would have to keep in his New York apartment, despite his landlord’s strict ‘No Pets’ policy? Don’t have an answer? Neither do we.

3. Lucy: Luc Besson’s stupid action film starring Scarlett Johansson as a drug’s courier who accidentally becomes God, would have been improved by almost anything else happening. Given that, why not a comedy giraffe, who in a piece of cunning meta-comedy mistakes ‘Lucy’ for Scarlett Johansson, the star of We Bought a Zoo?

4. Noah: This Russell Crowe vehicle had giraffes, but they were as glum as he was in this glum fantasy drivel derived from some book called ‘The Bible’. There was no joking about with them, no amusing slapstick with droppings and finally Darren Aronofsky really dropped the ball when he forget to make them speak!

5. Madagascar: Now, I know what you’re going to say. Surely there was a comedy giraffe in Madagascar, the DreamWorks animated movie that was a hit with all the family. It starred Ben Stiller and Chris Rock as Alex and Marty but Melman the ‘comedy giraffe’ was voiced by David Schwimmer, thus nullifying any of the comic potential. The whole venture will have to go down in the history books as a noble effort, ballsed up by the dull one from Friends.

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movies 2013HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg have been accused of hunting, capturing, killing and eating the real life penguins from the popular Dreamworks film series Madagascar.

The accusations is only the latest outrage to be blamed on the Jolly Bastards – the club formed by Charles Dance for British actors working in Hollywood. In the past they have been linked with the Tim Hiddleston swan murder affair (of which he was eventually cleared) as well as many unsolved homicides from the 1980s. The latest incident followed weeks of increasingly vitriolic criticism of the penguins of Madagascar by both Pegg and Cumberbatch. ‘I hate those penguins,’ said the actor who has given his voice to Smaug in the latest installment of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. ‘Irritating flightless shit sticks.’

The World’s End star Simon Pegg used an interview with Esquire to express ‘my contempt for the lazy way in which the penguins of Madagascar fall back on easy stereotypes of Englishness for comic purposes. That’s my job.’ 

Following a burglary in the penguin compound at Dreamworks, the penguins were found to be missing. 
Cumberbatch admitted to having eaten them to the police, but they were so charmed by his accent they forgot to press charges. Likewise, Pegg was open about having strangled and grilled the penguins, saying they were delicious with ‘Tabasco sauce, though chewy’. However, his full and unnecessarily detailed confession was ruled inadmissible because ‘of his hilariously self-deprecating sense of humor’.

A spokesperson for Dreamworks said that they were devastated and refused to comment on how the loss of the animals would effect plans for a sequel. ‘We are in grief,’ said the spokesperson. ‘How can you even think of such a trivial question at a time like this?’

Madagascar 4: The Search for the Penguins will be released in 2015.