HOLLYWOOD – As the year draws to a close Studio Exec gives his unbelievably brilliant Top Ten of the top ten films of the cinema movie year:

  1. The Avengers: is my number one movie of 2013. It’s witty and action packed, stuffed with special effects and loads of possibilities for ancillary sales and sequel rights. It might cost a fair bag of coin to make but flipside, we’ll be making other spin-offs with the least expenditure of original thought. And it made $623,357,910.
  2. The Dark Knight Rises: satisfying end to a movie trilogy that convinced even the most hardened cynics that Christopher Nolan is a great director of Puccini operas. In fact, for all the nit-picking about the film many people seemed to forget that the actual original idea was complete hogwash before Nolan made it convincing. Plus it made $448,139,099.
  3. The Hunger Games: showed young girls kicking ass in an intelligent piece of dystopian entertainment, which grossed $408,010,692.
  4. Skyfall: Bond came back and blew everybody away with bangs, bullets and Bardem, not to mention a billion worldwide but domestically $289,600,000.
  5. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2: If only because it means we won’t have to put up with any more Twilight films plus it made $286,130,000.
  6. The Amazing Spiderman: gets especial kudos for being so original even the fans were saying ‘another Spiderman? Really?’ The film was boring and nonsensical and absolutely pointless, but it made $262,030,663.
  7. Brave: was shit but it made $237,246,988.
  8. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: was a flaccid waste of everyone’s time and there’s more to come. Having made $222,703,000, who am I to ask for originality, brevity, some sense of innovation!?
  9. Ted: managed the miracle of having many people use the words Mark Wahlberg and good film in the same sentence without a negative particle. It also made $218,665,740.
  10. Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted: I didn’t even see this (after all why would I?) but it did make $216,391,482, coincidentally the 10th biggest box office of the year. 


Lessy Miss. R Balls

LONDON – A special preview audience of the Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway musical Les Miserables were horrified ‘to their ass hairs’ – as one patron put it – by a hardcore sex scene that was not so much in your face as in their faces. It was soon revealed that the film was actually a hardcore porn film called Lessy Miss. R. Balls.

The incidents follows a similar one in the UK, England, where a cinema full of children, instead of being treated to the horrors of Madagascar 3 had to contend with the comedy of Paranormal Activity 4. In both cases, the cinemas have claimed that a simple glitch was responsible for the mix up. However, a source from deep within the industry – Yankel Mayer – told Studio Exec exclusively that the mix ups were the beginning of a wide spread campaign on behalf of a break off fraction of radical Godardian projectionists who had ‘watched Fight Club once too often.’

‘You’re going to see a lot more hard core and a lot more children’s films being swapped with torture porn,’ said Yankel, salivating at the thought. 
Many patrons complained after having been forced to sit through 90 minutes of orgies and hot sex. Ironically however the studio reported that the score cards were ‘the best we’ve had yet, especially for Huge Jackman’s performance.’