HOLLYWOOD – M. Night Shyamalan admits new movie Split is autobiographical.

Split came out as a surprise success for M. Night Shyamalan. The thriller stars James McAvoy as a man with Disassociative Identity Disorder – commonly referred to as split personality.

The Sixth Sense director today spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the real life inspiration for the movie:

When I make a film, I always write what I know. In The Sixth Sense, that was me seeing dead people. After the success of that film, I could do anything. Hence Unbreakable. With Split I looked back over my career and my own split personality. On the one hand, I’m the guy who made Sixth Sense, Signs and Unbreakable. And on the other I’m also the guy who made The Happening, Lady in the Water and The Last Airbender. I realized that there isn’t really one M. Night Shyamalan, but two. The first one I call by my name. The second one prefers to be called Kenny Shitz. In some cases, we’ll actually collaborate on a film. The Village, he did half of and he filmed the last scene of Signs. He did all of The Happening though. He cast Mark Wahlberg.

Is there a chance we can get Kenny under control?

I’d like to say yes. I managed to keep him away from Split for instance. But ultimately who knows? I doubt it.

Split is currently in Cinemas now.


HOLLYWOOD – American Crime Story: The People v OJ Simpson has been a surprise hit, with John Travolta and Cuba Gooding Jr starring in the true crime drama for FX.

I’ll say it right off the bat, I am enjoying American Crime Story: The People v OJ Simpson, but even its most ardent fans have to admit we are enjoying it sometimes for the wrong reasons. Here are five of them.

1. Everyone says exactly what the writers want the audience to know. Almost as if the writer has prepared a schematic of a screenplay and then forgot to write actual dialogue. So Robert Kardashian will tell his daughter Kim Kardashian that fame is a hollow thing and when he is having doubts about OJ’s innocence will say ‘I’m having doubts about OJ’s innocence’. Johnnie Cochran, a lawyer who only cares about winning, will say ‘I only care about winning’. And so it goes… No ambiguity, no layers, no subtlety.

2. Cuba Gooding Jr’s voice. It starts off whiny and by episode two I can still put up with it. After all, he has either just murdered his wife and the guy she was with or has just found out that his wife has been murdered, so he’s upset, but the whine goes on. And on. I’m not asking for strict verisimilitude, but OJ has a basso profondo and Cuba has a falsetto. Likewise, OJ was a noted football star and Cuba looks like the kid who got his butt smacked with wet towels by the big kids.

3. Marcia Clarke smokes lots of cigarettes and Sarah Paulson acts smoking lots of cigarettes. And it shows.

4. There has not yet been an opportunity for John Travolta to dance. Yes, I know John Travolta is a serious dramatic actor. Yes, I know he wants to get rid of the image of Staruday Night Fever and Grease. And yes I know John Travolta not dancing is huge mistake. Send the lawyers to a disco for crying out loud.

5. The People v OJ Simpson is really predictable. I don’t know what it is about the story line but I keep guessing it at every turn. It started right at the beginning when OJ tried to escape in the Bronco. I just knew he was going to get caught. And I knew that the gloves weren’t going to fit. I also am pretty sure that OJ did it but the defense will get him off. I’m not sure what it is. Perhaps it’s the writing, perhaps the story needed some M. Night Shyamalan love, but this has to be one of the most weirdly predictable whodunnits ever!

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THE VISIT – REVIEW – M. Night Shyamalan’s new film is a tightly-made, witty little found footage chiller about how creepy old people are.

Becca (Olivia DeJonge) and young brother Tyler (Ed Oxenbould) are off to visit their grandparents for the first time. They live deep in the countryside and have been estranged from their daughter – the children’s mother – for some years.  Nana (Deanna Dunagan) and Pop Pop (Peter McRobbie) are pleased to see them and pull out all the stops to make them feel welcomed. Becca, of course, is filming a documentary and there is a sense of generational distance as the two slightly obnoxious, certainly precocious kids run around filming everything while something is apparently wrong with their grandparents. Told to stay in their rooms after nine thirty, they hear strange sounds and it soon becomes apparent that something is wrong with the elderly. Shyamalan keeps the tone light and also several possible explanations in the balance, one of which is simply old age and attendant sadness and mental decay.

As with most horror tales the denouement can’t quite live up to the set up, and Shyamalan seems to become undecided at this point, throwing out a scatter-gun of possibilities. But following the disasters of After Earth and Last Airbender – I won’t mention The Happening as I prefer to believe that it never happened – The Visit must be seen as a return to form. The low budget and the absence of stars has brought the director back to his core talents, creating tension and character based storytelling. Even his trademark twist has been relinquished unless the surprise in the tail is actually that Shyamalan has come up with a pretty good film.

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HOLLYWOOD – Will Smith today spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about how his mind was broken following the release of After Earth.

How’re you feeling today, Will Smith?

It’s my mind, Dave. It’s going. I can feel it. I can feel it.

When did this happen?

All my films must be number one for me to feel properly validated. And yet After Earth was so boring I fell asleep while I was making it. I would just drift through scenes. I was lying down a lot and I talk in my sleep so we managed to ADR a lot of the dialogue. I don’t know what happened. It’s not as if Hitch was this masterpiece. Or I am Legend for that matter. But After Earth… They abandoned me.

Who do you blame?

Squirrels mainly. Vicious little rodents. Why are they hiding the nuts? What’s so special about the nuts they need to hide them? When did they become so untrusting?

The squirrels?

Oh and my son. He betrayed me. I thought Jaden could act, but the boy cannot act. He’s like a mini-me, but without me, just the mini. He said afterwards… this is very hard. He came up to me afterwards and said ‘I’m sorry dad, truly I am.’


Totally unconvincing. I didn’t believe it for a second and if he can’t sell it to me, how’s he going to sell it to them. The public, the audience. Jackie Chan said it best when he said ‘Get that little asshole away from me.’

So what’s next for Will Smith?

I can sing you a song ‘Daisy Daisy give me your answer do, I’m half crazy all for the love of you.’

That’s lovely. Um. Final question. Is there any truth to the rumor that you’re becoming a Scientologist?

Hey! I might be crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Will Smith will next be appearing in M. Night Shyamalan’s new film Ding Dong.


ATHENS – Famed ‘genius’ and ‘film’ ‘director’ M. Night Shyamalan is looking to rescue the twisted wreckage of his career after After Earth with a new project, which seeks to combine a commercially viable idea with his penchant for a certain trade mark narrative technique.

Following on from the massive success of Battleship and There Will Be BloodTwister is the latest popular game (this time from MB Games) to get a big screen conversion and Shyamalan hopes that it will save him from twin dollops such as The Happening and The Last Airbender.

The game – which involves placing hands and feet (and in the Bangkok version sexual organs) on different colored circles at the whimsical behest of a spinning arrow controlled by a laughing idiot – does not immediately suggest a narrative, but Shyamalan is both optimistic and desperately unhappy.

I think this is a marriage made in heaven between my films and the game. On the one hand you have an inane, truly ridiculous series of contortions which will inevitably collapse to the sound of derisive laughter and on the other you have the game, Twister.  

Twister will be released in 2015 and will star Will and Jandapus Smith.


HOLLYWOOD – World famous co-producer and executive producer and former underpants rap star, Mark Wahlberg is going to try his hand at acting, he announced today.

Mark Wahlberg came over to the Studio Exec bungalow for an EXCLUSIVE conversation and to reveal his change of career path:

I love the film and TV business and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done producing Entourage and Boardwalk Empire but now I feel the time has come for me to take a more creative role in front of the camera.

The announcement was met with some confusion as the Contraband and How to Make it in America producer has appeared in a number of films as a cast member but Wahlberg laughingly dismissed all that as ‘not really counting’.

Wahlberg said:

Oh sure, I stood in front of the cameras and said some words and stuff but, shit, that wasn’t really acting. Half the time I thought we were just getting the lighting levels and  was there to save money and a stand in. Then I go to the premiere and there I am walking through a movie. Did you see M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening? Me being in the movie as an actor? Now that was a twist!

‘I first got the idea when I was standing in front of Christian Bale during The Fighter and he was behaving really odd and afterwards someone told me that was acting,’ the In Treatment co-producer said. ‘I thought I’m going to do this. If Christian can do, why shouldn’t I be able to? Tell me that. Why?’

His first project is going to be King Lear, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

King Lear starts filming Wednesday and is due out Friday.


HOLLYWOOD – Hi everyone. M. Night Shyamalan here.

Or you can call me M. Like the Fritz Lang movie.
No one?
Aside from being a ‘genius’ film maker, I also like to drink heavily.
So here come my cocktail recipes, and yes! Every single one comes with its own special twist.

M.’s Manhattan Village


  • 2 oz whisky
  • 1/2 oz  sweet vermouth
  • 2-3 dashes Angostura Bitters
  • Maraschino cherry for garnish


  1. Pour the ingredients into a mixing glass with ice cubes.
  2. Stir. 
  3. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
  4. Garnish with the cherry.
  5. Sacrifice an innocent to the hooded man until your Williams Hurt.

The Absixthe Sense


  • 3 tablespoons (1 1/2 ounces) absinthe
  • 1/2 to 3/4 cup (4 to 6 ounces) cold Champagne or sparkling wine



  1. Pour chilled champagne into fluted glass.
  2. Add absinthe.
  3. Realize that no one alive can hear you or talk to you and the only people you can talk to are dead or creepy children. 
  4. Realize you are dead also.
  5. Repeat.
The Happening


  • 1 bucket of beer
  • 2 pints of bile strained from a homeless person

    ‘I wish I’d never been born’
  • A large dog turd for garnish (Mark Wahlberg will work if available)
  1. Add beer and bile.
  2. Shake vigorously.
  3. Garnish with turd/Wahlberg
  4. Wish that you had never been born.


Hushpuppy and her pappy live – with all her pets – in the Bathtub, a shanty town Bayou community,  where she blow torches breakfast and goes to school to hear some hippy spout scary survivalist nonsense in a no bullshit bullshit way. Hushpuppy longs for her mother and is troubled by visions of a future in which huge boars descend on the world and destroy everything. Storms, melting ice caps, the end of the world, great soundtrack.

In 2012 Benh Zeitlin made a bid for most misspelt director, toppling M. Night Shyamamammamlanalan-ammma-ding-dong from a title he’s held for almost fifteen years. His first film is zippy visual treat with a winningly zesty narration from his young lead Q. Wallis and a great turn by grocery clerk, Dwight Henry as her dad. With its pace, wit and visual verve, this was one of the most interesting films of 2012, but beware, behind the smoke and mirrors of its style and charm there’s a bizarrely Ted Nugent view of the world.


Films, Films, Films.
Some are long, some are short and some are in-between.
Lots of films were released last year and lots of films will be released this year.
Some will be good, some will be bad and some will be in-between.

Here’s a preview: 

1. To The Wonder

Everyone who has seen it hates it and by all accounts Malick has finally disappeared up his own ass and can’t find the light switch. Every film critic will put it on their 2013 must see list rather than Iron Man 3 because they lay in bed at night clutching their teddy bears and having wet dreams about writing a column in Variety.

2.  The Double

When I say The Double I really mean Thor 2: The Dark World but I’m frightened to come out to my parents in case they say they don’t love me any more.

3.  Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill for.

Not content with making a trunk load of crappy movies over the past decade, Robert Rodriguez has decided the sequel to his greatest work will be in 3D. I don’t even care if it’s good I’m still going to throw used nappies at the screen in protest. During Machete I threw babies.

4. Star Trek into Darkness

I don’t like J.J. Abrams face. He looks like a pale Henry Kissinger and it unnerves me. Still you can’t beat a bit of Star Trek and hopefully this time Luke Skywalker manages to sleep with his sister and defeat the villainous Ming the Merciless.

5. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Films about magicians are always good and Jim Carey’s in it. I like Jim but he’s spent the last 5 years suckling on Jenny McCarthy’s breasts and pissing around with Penguins. Thankfully they split and Jim’s back on the lithium.

6. Mad Max: Fury Road

I had a drink with Mel the other day and he expressed regret that he never took up George Miller’s offer and reprised the role of Max. He was drunk though in fact I think that was the night he drove his car into the Wailing Wall with a boot full of dynamite.

7.  After Earth

I always look forward to an M. Night Shyamalan movie and of course when I say look forward I actually mean I’d rather flour and crumb my genitals and dunk them in a deep fat fryer than sit through another one of his cinematic crimes. This one has Will Smith in it. You know that wacky Fresh Prince guy who used to have a personality until Tom Cruise ate his soul during a Scientology induction ceremony.

8. The Hobbit 2: Back in the Hobbit

Peter Jackson said he will double the frames per second to 96 allowing the audience to see through time and space and into a parallel universe where Steven Spielberg is black, people go to work on roller coasters and coffee tastes like tea.

9. Man of Steel

I always get Henry Cavill confused with Jim Caviezel. I know they don’t look the same but my mind is unable to comprehend that they exist as two separate entities. At least I assume they do as I’ve never seen them together and come to think of it. I haven’t seen Caviezel since he did that Jesus film so maybe there is truth in the rumour that Mel Gibson actually crucified him and he came back as Henry Cavill.

10.  Some Art House film nobody has heard of.

Choosing something obscure in your top ten list will impress your peers and give everyone the impression that you’re classy and refined. On the other hand you can just cheat and say you’re looking forward to Denis Dugàn’s  Les grandes personnes deux.


Muhammad Ali and son crash land on the set of a low budget remake of Avatar. Will Smith channels the voice of his father Morgan Freeman, providing psuedo philosophical narration over scenes of bad CGI that look like they were designed by a novice with no thumbs on a BBC Acorn computer.

Ali’s son jumps off fake cliffs, runs with fake zebras and fends off fake baboons. Having had little success of late revealing his obligatory twist. Shylaman gives the game away in the trailer which should carry the warning ‘Do not operate heavy machinery whilst watching this crap’.

Another mangy offering from the increasingly spineless Smith who wouldn’t recognise a meaty roll if it was smeared in mustard and rammed up his ass. Shylaman, who has long since been forsaken by the muses, once again proves that you don’t have to have talent to get your film financed. You just need a stupid name and Spielberg’s telephone number. Failing that a washed up Hollywood star who will take the role as long as his own kid can be in it too. 

The trailer equivalent of ten years of incessant solvent abuse.


WASHINGTON – The end of the US election – due to take place on Tuesday – will be directed by The Sixth Sense director and ‘genius’ M. Night Shyamalan.

Both political parties have agreed that Mr. Shyamalan is uniquely positioned to give the climax of one of the closest races in history of American politics exactly the right kind of ‘Oh, so he was dead all along!’ feeling come Tuesday evening.

CNN had originally lobbied for James Cameron to be called in for the final push – ‘he would have given us a fantastic virtual environment’ – but sources close to the Piranha 2 script writer said that due to a strange condition contracted while diving to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, Mr. Cameron is not allowed out of seawater or his beard turns into an octopus. Fox wanted to go with John Milius but his recent incarceration for ‘becoming warrior king’ of a part of Cambodia ruled him out.

Associate Producer, Mark Wahlberg said that M. Night Shyamalan was perfect for the job:

There’ll be a cheap twist, many people will feel bitterly cheated and we’ll wake up the next day with an empty feeling. Shyamalan is the master and providing that effect. Everyone is praying we’re going to get The Sixth Sense or Unbreakable and not The Last Airbender.

Or The Happening?

I have no recollection of any film of that title.


HOLLYWOOD – Famed thriller director M. Night Shyamalan has revealed his latest twist but it isn’t for a movie, it’s for his entire career.

M. Night Shyamalan has revealed that there was a reason for the critical failure of his last few films as he spoke about his new film After Earth, starring the family Smith and due out in 2013.

‘I sat down when I was starting out my career and plotted it like I would a film,’ said The Airbender as he prefers to be called. ‘I start with some good movies: The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and even Signs. Then here comes The Village which is like a swerve ball. People suddenly go woah! what’s this?’

M. Night is laughing so hard he can’t speak. ‘Oh, dear,’ he gasps. ‘Then I do The Happening which I completely Wahlberg, and people are like, is this the same guy? Then the Giametti one, I can’t even remember what it was called. Then Airbender which puked like Justin Bieber on the original series. And that’s it, right? Reputation well and truly in tatters? And then comes After Earth and bang. He’s got game. The twist ending. Good director becomes shitty and then boom back again. And you’re on your back.’

Shyamalan claims he modelled his career on the story of Cinderella Man. However, Roger Ebert has pointed out that Ron Howard’s boxing film came out in 2005 and Shyamalan ‘was already making us collectively eat his shit sandwiches in 1998 with the mercifully forgotten Rosie O’Donnell comedy Wide Awake.’