THE PHANTOM MENACE REBOOT GREENLIT

GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.

 


The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again

Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’

 

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.

 

The Return Of The JJ

As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’


The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month

RON HOWARD PROMISES TO DE-LEGO HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – Happy Days actor and Rush director Ron Howard has promised that his Han Solo won’t feature Lego.

Ron Howard has been called in to replace Philip Lord and Chris Miller and has promised that he will reverse the Lego-like direction the new Star Wars film was going in. Kathleen Kennedy spoke to the Studio Exec:

The thing we all love about Ron is that there’s no Lego in any of his movies. Far and Away: no Lego. Rush: No Lego. Cinderella Man: no Lego. Apollo 13: no Lego. I could go on.

Please don’t.

Splash and A Beautiful Mind and The DaVinci Code: No L… wait I think there might have been some Lego in The DaVinci Code. But that was very much the anomaly.

Apart from the no Lego thing what does Ron bring to the table for Star Wars?

Well, he’s available. He has no discernible style to get in the way of the franchise. We’re kind of sick of all this ‘respect my vision’ bullshit. This is a Han Solo movie. The vision is: do you want to see a Han Solo movie? Yes. Okay open your eyes. There it is. What do you mean where’s the Lego? Get out of my house.

Han Solo will be released in 2018.