PARIS – It has been decided by the European Union that all French films will now be made in English in order to avoid ‘critical bias’.
The ruling came after years of complaints that, as Swiss critic Xavier Poulis argues, a lot of French ‘films were getting a free ride from Anglophone critics who go ga-ga over the Je ne sais quoi.’
And it’s not just the French films that get a free ride. The actors as well are considered amazing just because they can speak French. Look at Vincent Cassel. He’s got a face like a builder’s elbow. If that guy came from Des Moines, he’d be lucky to get a job as Heavy no. 5 in Walker Texas Ranger. But he has a French accent, and he speaks French so he has a long film career and marries Monica Bellucci. It just isn’t fair.
The judge in the European Court which brought the decision issued a statement saying:
France has a proud tradition of beautiful cinema from the nouvelle vague to Gerard Depardieu, but now a lot of it is frankly toilette and by having the films produced in English we will more readily discern this.
Although there have been some muted protests from the French artistic community, it is understood that the more commercially minded French film makers actually support the law. Luc Besson, Gasper Noé and Francois Ozon all blew that beguilingly irritating raspberry that translates as ‘whatever’.
The law will go into immediate effect and the first French film to be effected will be Asterix and the Large Teutonic Tube, due for release in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – The new script for Taken 3 has leaked EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec. Read here.
EXT. CHECHNYA. DAY.
Bryan (Liam Neeson), Kim and Lenore Mills arrive in a taxi outside a run down hotel in the middle of an area still devastated by years of warfare. They step over a dead body on their way to the lobby.
(clapping his hands)
This looks like the place.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
The family unpack.
It’s a nice room, isn’t it?
Why do we have to keep coming to these dumps dad?
Yeah Bryan, last year it was Beirut. The year before that…
The Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Ah, this way we avoid the crowds. I’m going out to stretch my legs.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH ACROSS FROM THE HOTEL
Bryan takes out a folded piece of paper and dials the number.
INT. BACK ROOM OF A SLEAZY TERRORIST CLUB
A bunch of hirsute villains listen to someone rapping in Arabic. The phone rings.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH
Bryan talks into the phone.
They’re in room number 314.
Bryan hangs up and then cover his eyes with his hands.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…
PARIS – The French world of film was reeling with shock today when in the early hours of Monday morning, Luc Besson was arrested for kidnapping Liam Neeson’s sons.
The Gendarmes freed the two young men from Luc Besson’s
basement following a raid on his house in Paris.
Suspicions were initially raised when Liam Neeson
changed his mind and then made a series of substandard action films for the French producer/director. The two boys were ‘taken’ in 2007, when Liam Neeson turned down the lead in Taken, saying ‘the role is poorly written and the plot badly conceived’. Many were surprised when he changed his mind following ‘rewrites’. It is now clear that these rewrites came in the form of ransom notes, demanding his participation in the films in return for their continued safety.
A spokesperson for the 6th Arrondissement police department told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
We could dismiss the first Taken as a kind of joie de vivre, it had a certain je ne sais quoi even if it was très ridicule. But the sequels and then Unknown and Non Stop were just too much. This is the man who played Oscar Schindler for crying out loud. There was only one explanation. Luc Besson had obviously kidnapped members of Mr. Neeson’s family and were using them as leverage to force him into ho-hum movie roles that were gradually wasting away at his talent.
The police also revealed that Mr. Neeson himself participated in the raid and was responsible for killing of a number of M. Besson’s henchman that the Nikita director had hired from the Russian Mafia, though Besson himself almost escaped capture. ‘He climbed over a garden wall and was running down a back alley when Neeson captured him with a flying scissor kick,’ said one witness in French. ‘It was f*cked up.’
The police added:
A Europe-wide search has begun as it is believed that Besson has hidden Gary Oldman’s grandmother and George Clooney’s aunt in secret locations,
perhaps in Switzerland or Alsace Lorraine, though Besson refuses to give a precise location until he has a firm commitment from the actors to appear in a live action version of Asterix in America. The crime against Mr. Neeson however is the most grave, compounded by the fact that Mr. Neeson was forced to play a father whose child has been kidnapped, cruelly forcing him to reenact his real life situation before an unsuspecting world.
Taken 3 will be released in 2015.
NEW YORK – Taxi Driver and Deer Hunter actor Robert de Niro was arrested yesterday afternoon by NYPD police and is being held at an undisclosed location in what is being termed ‘protective custody’.
The arrest was made following a viewing of Luc Besson’s new film The Family in which Mr. De Niro once more tries his hand at ‘comedy’. A police spokesperson said:
We at the NYPD have been keen fans of Mr. De Niro ever since Mean Streets. His work over the years has accrued a diversity of roles but always with a seriousness and artistry that even today makes us collectively gasp. One only need think of Jake La Motta, Travis Bickle, Noodles, the young Don Corleone, or Louis Cypher in Angel Heart. He’s worked with some of the finest directors in the business: Cimino, Bertolucci, Kazan, Gilliam and of course Martin Scorsese.
The spokesperson drew a breath in pain:
And so it is with great heartache that we have watched Mr. De Niro tread upon his former glory and we have been keeping an eye especially on Mr. Ben Stiller in this regard. After all the rubbish he has done recently, culminating in The Family, we have decided it will be better if Mr. De Niro is confined. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about Grudge Match.
Police sources have hinted that the house arrest need not be permanent ‘should Marty Scorsese find a script they could do together’.
PARIS – Luc Besson, French film director of such classics as Nikita and Leon, as well as producer of the Taken series, has announced that he is to produce and direct the long awaited sequel to the French Connection.
“I’ve talked with Gene Hackman and Bill Friedkin and they are both happy for me to do it”, said Luc.
In fact, Bill Friedkin told me that he had always envisioned it as a trilogy but the seventies was so lame when it came to making decent movies that no one would put up the money for a trilogy.
What do you bring to this film which is considered a classic of the genre?
I agree. It is a classic, but one thing always gave me Le Hump. This was the French Connection, right? But where was France? Or the French? Even Fernando Rey (who played the original villain) was Spanish. So in our version, I added some French things which will make it a real FRENCH connection. Ooh la la! As we say, constantly.
The official synopsis reads:
Joey ‘Popeye’ Doyle Jr. (Chris Pine) and Det. Buddy (Channing Tatum) are on the trail of a mysterious high end drug dealer, called Frenchie (Jean Reno). They track him down to Paris, a large city in France, where Frenchie maintains his cover as an onion seller, riding a bicycle and wearing a stripy jumper and a beret. Then there is a very exciting bicycle chase and they are fighting with baguettes and riding bicycles. And they get mixed up with Le Tour de France!
The French Connection 3: Attack on Paris will begin shooting in August.