GASPAR NOÉ PREPARES PG-13 CUT OF LOVE

CANNES – Controversial director Gaspar Noé has confirmed that he has prepared a PG-13 cut of Love to be shown in the US.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec on the Croisette the shock director Gaspar Noé said that he believed the core message of the film was so important that he wanted young people to have the opportunity to watch it as well, albeit in a truncated form.

It was very difficult obviously to reduce a film with some quite explicit scenes to something that the MPAA would award a PG-13 certificate to, but we consulted with them and listened to their concerns and we cut accordingly. Even at times perhaps erring on the side of caution.

Noé denied the move was prompted by commercial  necessities which make it very difficult for an R rated movie to make money.

I am an artist and my most important thing is my message. But second to that is having my message heard and understood by as wide an audience as possible. I want to have all the children in the world see my film and join hands and dance around little bonfires. And then we can sit down and discuss the implications. The yogurt quirts and nudity and crass language are not essential to that message.

Love won’t be the first film that has been cut for a wider audience, despite having explicit adult content. The children friendly version of Mary Poppins is now even more famous than the original three hour sex epic.

The 23 minute Love will be released in July.

CANNES REVIEW – LOVE

CANNES REVIEW – LOVE – Gaspar Noé first cut his teeth directing one of those Muppet movies in the mid-nineties – The Muppet’s Treasure Island I think – but has since made his name as an arch-provocateur, with a full stock of schlock shock, so when he turned up on the Croisette with a film called Love, boasting 3D jizzing members and unsimulated full-on hardcore sex, you can bet I was in the front row, but was it any good?

No.

Which isn’t to say it’s awful. Just not great.

Electra (Aomi Muyock) and Murphy (Karl Glusman) are irritatingly attractive lovers, who have handily demonstrative sex, almost as if they know they’re being filmed from above. They’re particularly keen on fulfilling Gaspar Noé’s sexual fantasies, especially the one about a threesome with the conveniently blonde neighbor Omi (Klara Kristin). They grunt, hump and sigh, and then talk so much donkey shit about art, film, love etc, that almost seems to have been written down for them. And it goes on. Noé himself turns up to screw his female lead on screen. Imagine a Hitchcock cameo, but with the emphasis on the second syllable.

It’s indulgent and silly, and it gets a bit boring. It isn’t as if these two have that much imagination in the bedroom and Murphy’s misogynistic bullshit tires fast and leaves us with no one really to root for. Plus sexy Electra has to have some tragic angle because, you know, girls can’t actually just enjoy sex (!?) which leaves us with the feeling that Love isn’t radical, but kinda conservative. It’s not so much the Emperor’s got no clothes, as the Emperor is wearing a skin toned body stocking. Which, if you think about it, is creepier.

Love is (ahem) coming soon. 

PIXAR TO REMAKE LOVE

CANNES – In news that rocked the Croisette John Lasseter announced that Pixar is set to remake Gaspar Noe’s 3D porn film Love.

The Toy Story director spoke EXCLUSIVELY to George Miller, who told close friend the Studio Exec:

Love is one of those films that as soon as you see it you know there has to be an English language remake.

But Love is in English.

It is? Really? I didn’t notice. Okay, but still what I meant to say was an animated version. This will be the first time Pixar takes an existing property and turns it into a film. So we’re very excited.

But isn’t this a departure for Pixar?

Not at all actually. You see we’re tired of making films which appeal to children and adults alike. We have made some films – Cars 2 for instance – which appealed to no one at all. But now we want to make our first adult film and Gaspar Noe’s Love seems like the perfect fit.

How so?

We initially were thinking of making a sequel to Inside Out, taking the story into adulthood, but obviously that means that we would be dealing with some issues that we don’t normally deal with. Sex for instance. So when we saw Love I slapped my forehead and cried out ‘This is the sequel to Inside Out.’

Pixar’s Love will be released in 2017.