HOLLYWOOD – Yuletide British romcom Love, Actually is actually shit.

Richard Curtis’ Christmas romcom Love Actually smells of shit. Imagine if Shortcuts was made by an idiot with three jokes, two of which are crap.  One of the jokes is that Mr. Bean is funny. Another is that an Englishman and a Portuguese woman don’t understand each other’s languages.

Another is that Emma Thompson is a great actress; stalking is fun and Hugh Grant dancing like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.

Basically, there’s a bunch of people in London, including a healthy slice of American talent to appeal across the pond, hurtling towards Christmas and in need of poignant sex. Everyone has a little bit of tragedy. Liam Neeson has a dead wife; Colin Firth is melancholy; Andrew Lincoln is rapey, Alan Rickman creeps towards adultery and Martin Freeman is fidgety. These minor keys are played with no real emotional engagement but purely to outline the comedy in dark pencil so you recognize it as comedy, because you can’t tell via laughter. That’s for sure.

The women don’t get much agency. Why does Keira Knightley…? Oh who gives a shit? Lucia Moniz trapped in that one joke with Colin Firth. Emma Thompson is so obnoxious that you want Rickman to run as fast as he can. And the joke about Martina McCutcheon being fat…

Christ on a stick! How feeble are we that we haven’t drowned this film in a river by now.

But maybe I’m being harsh. Enjoy the film as a toasted marshmallow. It makes you feel warm inside and ready for Christmas. But it’s dishonest and untruthful and awful and poorly acted – Goddammit Emma Thompson needs to stop doing lots and lots and lots of things. Bill Nigh has a moment as an aging rock star, but the one note character gets way too much time. He only works because he’s playing a musician who knows he’s shit but is enjoying it anyway. And that seems to be what he’s doing in Love, Actually as well.

More Shit Reviews will be added as we do them.


HOLLYWOOD – Keira Knightley will return in 2018, experts warn. And she will be more powerful than ever.

Batten down the hatches.  2017 held some shocks for us, but experts today issued a warning that 2018 will bring with it a definite force 4 Keira Knightley. Knightley watcher and expert Domino Hatch told the Studio Exec:

Not since A Dangerous Method have we had so much Knightley on the horizon. She will be at Sundance with Colette. Later in the year, The Aftermath is expected. And then she’s also appearing in Berlin, I Love You and Disney fantasy The Nutcracker and the Four Realms. It’s terrifying.

How can people prepare?

The problem this year is we’ve been relatively Knightley free for some time. So we might not think we need to take precautions. People are dense that way. What I would do is just show the family a bit of Love, Actually or a couple of scenes from Bend it Like Beckham. That way the shock won’t be so extreme.

Is Knightley’s return linked to global warming?

There are some good studies that seem to suggest a link but so far nothing conclusive. I don’t want to muddy the waters by getting into all that.

Colette will be released in 2018.


‘The size of a healthy penis’

As the holiday season approaches actor, raconteur and functioning alcoholic Sir Edwin Fluffer pours himself a large cognac, and introduces us to his Top Ten Christmas movies.

4. It’s A Wonderful Life

When Frank Capra rang to offer me a role in this Christmas classic I jumped at the chance. Unfortunately I landed awkwardly on top of Lionel Barrymore. Luckily I wasn’t seriously hurt, but poor old Lionel ended up having to film all of his scenes from a wheelchair. It was a simple accident and could’ve happened to anyone after a few large brandies, but I’m afraid that darling Lionel did rather hold it against me. I won’t go as far as to say that he had me fired from the picture, but he certainly wrote a long letter to Frank pointing out my many failings both as an actor and a human being. 

In all fairness some of the points he raised were hard to disagree with and as I read on I soon found myself nodding in agreement.
Jimmy Stewart took it a step further by asking the rest of the cast and crew to sign a petition requesting that my services be no longer required and I mistakenly signed it thinking it was a birthday card for Donna Reed! We did laugh about that!
Even to this day I still can’t think about this film without getting a tear in my eye.

5. Love Actually
I’ve not actually seen this film myself, but the lady who comes in to do my cleaning assures me that it’s very good. The box says it has an all-star cast so there’s every chance that I could be in it.  If there’s a smartly dressed gentleman with an eye for the ladies making witty remarks while pretending not to notice the bunch of mistletoe sticking out of his trousers then that’s probably me.  People including my lawyer say I’m far too old for that kind of behavior, but try telling that to dear old Ollie Reed or darling Dickie Harris. 
Of course Peter O’Toole’s given up on all that sort of thing now, and have you seen the state of him? He looks dreadful! 
Wait! I have seen this one! 
Has it got Charlton Heston doing the chariot racing? 
That’s on every Christmas, and very good it is too.