NAKED OSCARS WILL BE HOSTED BY LOUIS CK

HOLLYWOOD – In a drastic change this year, the Academy announced the naked Oscars will be hosted by Louis CK.

The glamorous awards ceremony will be known as the Naked Oscars and will be hosted by Louis CK in an effort to boost ratings.

Look At The Globes On That

In light of the calamitous viewing figures for this year’s Golden Globes which took place online, changes have been made to this year’s Oscars. The Academy has announced this year’s Oscars ceremony will be entirely nude and Louis CK will host the event, bollock naked. The Exec spoke to Academy PR Spokesperson, Dee Versity to clarify the announcement:

Dee, talk us through this dramatic decision please.

We all saw the ratings for the Globes and we thought, shit a brick, no-one cares about awarding multi-millionaire actors and actresses anymore. We knew we had to come up with a concept that people would want to watch. Our research suggested that people like to see their Hollywood heroes naked. So, we thought, fuck it, let’s get their kit off.

How did you get everyone to agree to be naked?

They won’t actually be naked. We have Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit backstage and Peter Jackson directing the proceedings from a truck out back. We can super impose the winner’s face and a smoking hot naked bod on Andy who will mimic their walk and collect the award. The winners don’t have to get up from their chairs, which helps with social distancing. Plus it keeps the female recipients away from Louis because, well… y’know.

Why did you choose Louis CK?

He approached us as soon as heard about the full frontal nudity. He asked us if he could host it, and he said he’d do it for free. I have no idea why, but who cares? We also think his little ginger pubes and white peanut will be kinda cute next to all those swinging schlongs and bouncing bazongas.

Will the CGI nudity be anatomically accurate?

Fuck no! All these actors and actresses usually have ass doubles in their movies. This is no different. All the men will have great big swinging sausages and the ladies will all be very well endowed. Hubba hubba!

Will the CGI software be respectful of POC?

Um, well, how do I say this? It’s The Academy Awards, The Oscars. Let’s be honest. I can’t see them including many people of color in the winner’s column, can you? We didn’t bother buying that upgrade for the software.

The Naked Oscars takes place on April 25th.

LOUIS CK TO HOST THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Controversial comedian Louis CK replaces Kevin Hart as Oscars host.

The Academy Awards have chosen Louis CK to host the 91st edition of the Oscars this February. The decision came as a shock, as many were still reeling from a stand up set he had done which leaked online. The set had jokes about the Parkland victims and the Trans community. But the Academy today issued the following statement:

Following recent controversy, we have decided that esteemed comedian Louis CK should host the Oscars. We know that Louis has a record of saying inflammatory material and then there’s the business of his masturbating in front of unwilling women, but in the end we thought oh f*ck it, let’s roll the dice and see what happens.

Sources close to the comedian say that he is stoked to be chosen and will be giving it his all.

Louis has been waiting for an opportunity to come back and I think with this gig he’ll finally have a chance to speak directly to people in a way that he knows best.

Rumors that he is will masturbate from the stage into the audience as a Jimmy Kimmel style bit are unconfirmed. One member of the Academy told Studio Exec:

He’s not asked our permission to do it, so there’s a good chance he will.

The Oscars take place February 25th.

LOUIS CK TO RETURN WITH JERRY SEINFELD STYLED MASTURBATION SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – Comedian Louis CK is to stage his comeback with a cutting edge show: Comedians Masturbating with Louis CK.

Louis CK saw a promising career disappear almost overnight as allegations of his sexual harassment of women came to light.  However, as Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey are both reportedly eyeing comebacks, CK obviously thinks his time has come. No pun int…. okay maybe I did mean it.

We spoke with him:

I got the idea from Jerry Seinfeld. He actually piloted the show after he thought the Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee format was getting tired, but he went away to do Bee Movie instead.

What will the show be about?

Well, before I went away, I said that I wanted to dedicate some time to listening. This show will mainly be me listening to other comedians telling me that I should come back. And then we jerk off together.

Right. Wait. You what?

We jerk off. I get naked stand blocking the door way and just get down to it.

But isn’t that…

I ask first.

Yes, but that’s the…

And the beauty is it’ll be funny because it’s true.

Comedians Masturbating with Louis CK will be available from LouisCk.Net 

 

 

JABBA THE HUTT ACCUSED OF SEX CRIMES

HOLLYWOOD – Social media was in shock this morning after Jabba the Hut was accused of sex crimes.

The Studio Exec caught up with Jabba to discuss the allegations.

Jabba. How could you?

Jabba innocent.

Don’t lie, Jabba. Two sand people and a wookie have come forward to say you acted inappropriately during a party. That can’t be a coincidence.

Jabba doesn’t know these people.

Oh yeah? And what about Princess Leia, Jabba. We’ve got photos and video footage of you with her chained up being forced to wear a gold bikini. They’re all over the internet. How do you explain that?

Jabba old. Not remember.

Not remember ? Bullshit. The rebels have searched your hard drive. They’ve found those pictures of Jawas. You’re going to prison, Jabba.

Jabba want to speak to his lawyer.

Netflix has cancelled Jabba’s upcoming stand up special.

 

CASEY AFFLECK TO STAR AS HARVEY WEINSTEIN IN BRETT RATNER MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – In a bold move, Casey Affleck stars as Harvey Weinstein in Brett Ratner’s new biopic.

A new movie based on the life of Harvey Weinstein will star Casey Affleck. Rush Hour director Brett Ratner had this to say:

We want the film to be as realistic as possible. This is an American tragedy and we need to get to the heart of it. 

Based on a script by Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in their first ever collaboration, the films also stars Mel Gibson and Michael Fassbender. Louis CK is in talks to play Bob Weinstein, Harvey’s brother. Ratner continues:

This is a story that needs telling right. We need to tell it from the inside. I got Bill Cosby to go over a draft of the script for me.

But don’t you think we need the perspective of the women who have spoken out?

Who like?

Asia Argento, Rose McGowan, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd, Gwyneth Paltrow? There are about thirty and counting I think. 

We have got a woman’s perspective in there though.

Who?

Lindsay Lohan.

Harvey will be released in 2018.

LOUIS CK FLAKES A HIT

NEW YORK – Popular comedian and actor Louis CK launches breakfast cereal.

Louis CK has a new stand-up special on Netflix and a nutritious breakfast cereal: Louis CK Flakes. The occasionally shocking comedian spoke to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about his new line in breakfast foods.

I’ve always been interested in breakfast cereal ever since I was head writer on the Dana Carver Show. That didn’t last long. We actually got cancelled after seven episodes. We made eight but they only showed seven. What are you going to do? But it was then that I had already been bitten by the breakfast cereal bug. Me and Steve Carrell would talk about our favorite cereals all the time. I remember he really liked corn flakes and I did too. So we bonded.

So tell us about Louis CK Flakes.

They’re essentially like cornflakes. I mean store brand cornflakes. And we just put my face on the box. But they’re delicious. I went around the whole country eating cereal and I think I found the best for quality price ratio.

So what’s next?

A milk-based beverage. Something you drink hot. With just milk. We’re calling it Louis CK Hot Milk.

How does this relate to the comedy?

No connection whatsoever. It’s more like Horace and Pete.

Louis CK special is on Netflix.

PRESIDENT OBAMA TO REPLACE TREVOR NOAH ON THE DAILY SHOW

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama is to take over from Trevor Noah as host of the Daily Show early next year.

Following eight massively successful gigs at the Annual Correspondents Dinner in Washington President Obama is ready for the big time. Ever since Jon Stewart left, The Daily Show has been treading water. South African host Trevor Noah has valiantly tried to take on what many saw as an impossible job, but now it looks as though he was basically keeping the seat warm as President Obama finished his official duties.

President Obama spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

I won’t deny it. I’ve really enjoyed the times I’ve been allowed to let loose with some jokes. The dinners have been the highlight of my presidency. I mean Killing Osama Bin Laden was one thing, but killing it is another thing altogether.

Who are your comic heroes?

Well, I won’t deny that I am a huge fan of Jon Stewart obviously, but I also go back to Richard Pryor as my all out hero. He is the best. Bill Hicks and Louis CK as well as George Carlin are close but it is Richie who really got me into listening to comedy albums. He’s just so raw and true. And he’s lived the life if you know what I mean.

The Daily Show with Barack Obama will broadcast in January 2017.

 

SEAN PENN AND LOUIS CK DENOUNCE LARRY VAUGHN

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood liberals Sean Penn and Louis CK have decided that the time to speak up is upon us and have set about savaging Larry Vaughn, the former mayor of Amity who is currently the front runner in the race for the Republican nomination.

A ferocious week of attacks on Larry Vaughn appeared to loosen his grip on the Republican presidential race on “Super Saturday”, with his rival for the Republican nomination, conservative champion, Ted Cruz winning convincingly in the Republican caucus in Kansas. Cruz also won by a similar margin in Maine, before Vaughn underlined his national advantage with victories in Louisiana and Kentucky. This comes in the wake of stinging attacks from many quarters of his own party and the liberal media.

Sean Penn in an interview for Chapeau said that a Vaughn presidency would be a disaster:

This is the man who opened the beaches, knowing full well that a predator, a great white shark was hunting in the region. This reckless endangerment of lives would be multiplied if he were to be placed in the position of running the country.

Louis CK wrote a letter to his fans and in his trademark wry manner asked them to vote for anyone but Vaughn:

Do you want the man who oversaw the 1977 shark attacks to be the man carrying the nuclear codes. I mean look at the record. There was no way those injuries were consistent with a boating accident. And he knew that.

The Vaughn juggernaut however continues to plough on and the chances of stopping him are becoming increasingly slim.

For more political news on the progress of Larry Vaughn’s Presidential Bid CLICK HERE.

HORACE AND PETE – REVIEW

HORACE AND PETE – REVIEW – Louis C.K. writes and directs and stars in a brilliant dark drama set in a run down Brooklyn pub.

Louis C.K.’s new webseries Horace and Pete dropped taking everyone by complete surprise. The second surprise was the tone which was much dark and more dramatic than anything we’d seen so far, though some episodes of Louis had already hinted at depths of brilliant drama. Set in a dingy Brooklyn pub, Horace (Louis C.K.) and Pete (Steve Buscemi) are the two owners who have followed a century old tradition of taking control of the pub which has always been run by a Horace and a Pete. Uncle Pete (Alan Alda) is the prior owner who now tends bar and who ran it with the previous Horace, Horace’s father. An assortment of customers hang out like an ensemble from an episode of Cheers written by Samuel Beckett and include Jessica Lang as Horace senior’s former lover and Stephen Wright as a mumbling drunk jotting things in a little notebook. Uncle Pete is the foul mouthed, politically incorrect id of the bar and the repository of the dark history. Edie Falco is the sister who feels that they should sell the pub and get on with their lives, to escape its toxic effects.

I’ve got to episode four and find this to be some of the best stuff that Louis C.K. has ever done. And I say that as a huge fan of his stand up and his series. Having carved out a niche of his own creative freedom, he is here using it to do something that feels wholly new and totally ambitious. There are moments of wry comedy and dark almost terrifying honesty. Some of the episodes are long with an intermission, reinforcing the impression that this is primarily a theatrical work. The last one is a mere thirty minutes.

As James Stewart said in Harvey, ‘No one brings anything small into a bar’. And here everyone has demons and problems. Pete has seriously mental problems, has been hospitalized and must take his meds. Horace has one broken marriage and a faltering relationship with his overweight daughter. His son hasn’t spoken to him for years. He is a good listener, but incapable of fully expressing himself. Louis C.K. the director lets his amazing cast do their work. In one episode Laurie Metcalf, playing Horace’s ex-wife, tells a long story and it must be a good ten to fifteen minutes before the camera even reveals who she is talking to. Her performance steps right up to the challenge. Of course this could be seen as indulgent and it won’t be for everyone, but  for me Horace and Pete reveals Louis C.K. to be a truly great dramatic writer while never losing sight of the dark comedy of failure.

 For more Reviews, Click Here.

WOODY ALLEN TO DIRECT GAME OF THRONES SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – Film director and comedy clarinet player, Woody Allen has signed up to write a Game of Thrones spin off for Amazon.

The New York based director spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec shortly after penning the deal:

I’m absolutely delighted to have this opportunity. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but cinematically I’ve been treading-water for some time – I mean Midnight in Paris? What a crock! – and I feel I need a real stimulus to get the old juices flowing again.

Great. So what is the show going to be like?

Well, as you know there has been a hell of a lot of great TV about in recent years. And I feel really inspired by what’s out there. Especially by the Scandinavian crime series. I’m talking about the original version of The Killing, Borgen and The Bridge. When I first began thinking seriously about cinema, my main influence was obviously Ingmar Bergman. Well, now I’m going to do TV I want to do something that is dark and traumatic, grief laden, snowy, violent and dark. Did I say dark already?

Yes. But what about the sort of short form comedy that might be more suited to your talents?

Nah. That’s already been done. Look at Louis CK and Larry David. They’ve done more Woody Allen TV than I could ever do. What am I going to do? Walk around New York complaining about the state of my relationships? Girls does that. Why bother going over old ground?

So Scandinavian thrillers it is?

That are dark. And in Swedish. Yeah, but look, I’m not making the mistake I made with Interiors and just make something slavishly similar to my inspiration. No. I want it to be different and I’m a huge fan of Game of Thrones, so I’m going to have some dragons and some full on CGI battles. It’s going to be aces! My idea is this will be what happens beyond the Wall.

That sounds like a mishmash.

Thank you. I’ve mapped out my story. In the small snow bound Wildling township of Bergan north of the Wall, there has been a series of horrible ritual murders. Two cops from the Black Watch are investigating. Peter Dinklage is going to star as the Imp. He’s gone to the black watch after killing his dad. I suppose I should’ve said spoiler or something. Oh, and I’ve got the idea Bill Cosby could play the older cop, but he hasn’t got back to me, so that’s one’s on hold for the time being. Strange Bill’s usually very punctilious about such things.

He might be busy.

Figures. He’s still got it. Oh and there’s going to be a vile matriarch, the leader of the White Walkers called something like Pia Barrow, or Ria Sparrow. Something like that. I haven’t quite thought that one through.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Scandinavian Dragon Murders, but Were Too Afraid to Ask will be shown on Amazon sometime in 2016.

 

THINKING COMEDY: JERRY SEINFELD

In the fourth of our series Thinking Comedy, film comedian Jerry Seinfeld talks about the importance of ‘observation’.
People often say to me: what is the secret of your comedy Jerry? If you could put it in one word, what would it be? And I have to tell them, if I have to tell them in one word, that the word I would tell them with would be ‘Observation’.

That’s right. I do Observational Comedy. But what does that really mean?

Well, let me try and explain. You see what I do is I look at things around me, I ‘observe’ them if you will, and I try to notice things that are funny. Things that are comic.
Sounds easy, right? Not too hard? Unfortunately, there’s a catch.
You see there are lots of things which are funny that I can’t use. For instance the other day I was watching a Louis CK DVD. And I was cracking up and I could see loads of material. I opened my computer and began writing. I’d observed everything and so I was able to write it down almost word for word. Then my wife read it over my shoulder and said, ‘You can’t do that!’ And I realized, drat and darn it, I can’t. You see even though I’d observed it and even though it was funny, the funny things actually belonged to Louis, and, unless you’re Denis Leary, comedians don’t steal other comedians’ acts. It’s a law.
So there are limits.
Here’s another one. I was driving (and no I wasn’t in a car with another comedian getting coffee, ha ha, yeah, ’cause you thought… well  anyway…). Okay I was driving and a police officer pulled me over because one of my lights was faulty. And I noticed that the police man seemed really young. And I thought that’s funny. And started scribbling down ideas. But the problem here is that everyone notices after a certain age that the police seem young. It’s because we get old. So the thought is what we call a ‘cliche’ and unfortunately it’s useless as comedy.
However, we can now see how to make a decent piece of observational comedy. First, observe something. Then check it isn’t already a comedy film, or a stand up act, or a comedy song, or something comic. Then check it isn’t a cliche or a truism, or something everybody already knows. Then check it’s funny (perhaps the hardest part). Now you’re ready for your microphone, an adoring public and beach mansions in Malibu. Have you ever noticed how you’re never sure whether or not there’s milk in the house? Ha ha. Yeah? See? Okay, that’s all I’ve got.

For more Thinking Comedy, CLICK HERE. 

MODERN FAMILY STARS ASK EMMYS TO STOP REWARDING SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – In a shock statement the stars of Modern Family have requested the Emmys stop rewarding them.

‘It’s getting embarrassing,’ said Ed O’Neill, who plays ageing patriarch Jay. ‘We have to walk past Larry David and Louis CK to pick up this award every year and I just can’t look them in the eyes.’

‘Enough already,’ said Ty Burrell who plays Phil Dunphy. ‘It’s actually making people hate the show. I’d vote for Community, but it doesn’t even get a nomination. That’s just such BS.’

Christopher Lloyd one of the show’s creators said late last night:

I created the Goddamn show and I can tell you it is not that good. There are other shows. Jesus. I mean the documentary thing for a start. That’s just a lame rip off of The Office and we’ve never been able to get shot of it. You put that beside the innovation of Louis CK or Veep or Community… Enough already.

Jon Stewart also bashed the awards as The Daily Show won its tenth (TENTH!) consecutive Emmy for outstanding variety show, beating Real Time with Bill Maher.

A Modern Family Movie is due for release in 2017.

FIRST LOOK AT WOODY ALLEN’S BATMAN: A DISAPPOINTMENT

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knew that it was a brave choice after the success of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy to hand over DC Comic’s biggest superhero star to an eclectic auteur like Woody Allen.

‘We always knew Woody’s Batman would be a totally different creature to Christopher’s,’ said producer Sarah Green. ‘But I have to say we are disappointed with what we’ve seen so far.’
First the veteran writer director changed the title from The Amazing Batman to Blue Jasmine, Green complains.

Then in the main role he casts Cate Blanchett, changing the name from Bruce Wayne to Jasmine, gets rid of Alfred, the Batmobile, the Batwing, Wayne Manor, the villains, the cape and sets most of the film in San Francisco where everyone comes out with tersely witty but true lines and talk mostly about relationships. 

Actor Alec Baldwin said that he was confused by the whole Batman angle:

We never spoke about it on set and when I did try and broach the subject with Woody in private, he couldn’t talk properly because he was giggling so much. I couldn’t get any sense out of him.

Louis C.K. who also has a role in the film explained how he saw matters.

I think what he did is take the studio’s budget of the hundred million, then made his usual twelve million film, and spent the rest of the money on solid gold clarinets. It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

DAVID ZUCKER’S CONSERVATIVE COMEDY CLUB

HOLLYWOOD – David Zucker – director of such brilliant films as Airplane! and such dire posthumous-smelling tripe as An American Carol – today announced the formation of the Conservative Comedy Club, an organisation which will seek to redress the liberal/left wing bias in the chuckle farm.

Everyone thinks conservative aren’t funny,’ said Zucker. ‘They think we’re a bunch of bigoted fearful haters, who consider Bill O’Reilly an intellectual. But that just isn’t true. The first bit I mean. we’re hilarious. I mean look at Sarah Palin.’

The CCC was welcomed by its charter members Kelsey Gramner and Adam Sandler:

It’s about time that we had someone championing the ‘Right’ to be funny. Did you see what I did there?

For years, there has been a tendency to think of incisive and funny comedy of having almost inevitably an open minded liberal bias. Despite the best efforts of Andrew ‘the Dice’ Clay, many of the best comedians – Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Louis CK, George Carlin, John Stewart, Bill Maher, Sarah Silverman, and Jerry Sienfeld – come from liberal or radical left wing backgrounds, or – like Chris Tucker, Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor – are black. Zucker says:

funny

The CCC will be a place where John Ratzenberger and Kelsey Grammer can sit down and share a joke without being accused of endorsing homosexuality or a Cheers spin off.