The baby faced leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un, decreed on state television this morning that he is changing the name of the country to Mordor and declaring himself the living embodiment of Sauron the Great.
President Obama immediately released a statement condemning Jong-un’s actions as being nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt, but hours later US spy satellites recorded footage of an army of Orcs and Goblins marching towards the Korean border which forced the president to take decisive action.
“I’ve been consulting with my chief adviser Gandalf the grey “ said a businesslike Obama.
“He is currently recruiting a crack unit who will travel to Mordor and end Sauron’s reign of tyranny once and for all.”
When asked if he had a message for his enemy the President didn’t mince his words:
I’d like to make it clear to Sauron and anyone who else who dares threaten the security of the United States of America or it’s allies. We have the Ring of Power and we are not afraid to use it!
Meanwhile in New York, Sauron’s ambassador Saruman the White had to be rescued by helicopter after a mob of dwarfs led by Game of Thronesstar Peter Dinklage stormed the Mordorian embassy.
“The Mordorians have been oppressing my people for a millennia and today’s the day we fight back!” said a rousing Dinklage.
A UN resolution has been swiftly ratified with all member states agreeing that Sauron must be brought to justice. However political philosopher Noam Chomsky urged caution:
The life of one Orc means nothing to Sauron. He’ll throw a million of them into the meat grinder and not even blink but we don’t want to get into a situation were we are throwing a million Elves back at him. If Gandalf’s so called “Fellowship” fails in their quest then we should get Sauron around a table and try and hammer out a peaceful resolution.
We will bring you more news of of these turbulent events, when we get it.
WELLINGTON – Lord of the Rings director and animal murderer Peter Jackson has announced that he will begin filming a new project in the Autumn aimed to give fans of Middle Earth an extra two slices of Hobbit fun.
Pippy will tell the story of much loved ‘comic’ relief Merry and Pippin from the original Lord of the Rings saga. Guillerrmo Del Toro was due to direct, but later revealed he was just messing with Jackson and had no intention of doing anything of the sort. ‘It will be like Ewoks: The Battle for Endor, but probably not that good,’ said Jackson. ‘But it’ll be cheap. I can assure you of that.’
One of the main problems was getting Dominic Monaghan who plays one of them and Billy Boyd who plays the other to agree to it and find time in their busy schedules. No, I’m sorry I can’t keep a straight face. Can we do that again?
Monaghan and Boyd said they were delighted to ‘revisit Hobbiton’.
‘These are characters that we have grown to love as much as the public,’ they said in perfect unison. ‘We can’t wait to put on our furry feet and set off on adventures. We only wish Elijah was coming with us, but apparently he’s making a sitcom about an imaginary dog!?’
The plot is yet to be revealed but Jackson was adamant it would not include dragons nor would it make use of their ill-judged attempt to bring back the Black and White Minstrels.
HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec FACT squad picks the top 5 worst CGI cliches.
The Studio Exec – the finest Film resource on the internet – brings you the 5 worst CGI clichés ever made in any film ever and shown on cinema screens in a movie house.
A cityscape of obvious CGI-ness, a surging score, you can already hear Terry Gilliam saying ‘It’s only a model!’, but then Lo! what’s that? a flock of birds departs from the eaves of one part of the city and heads somewhere else. The audience can be heard gasping at the realisation that as birds live here this is a real city, for if it wasn’t, where would they live? Lord of the Rings, Gladiator, Star Wars: The Phantom Diarrhoea and The Game of Thrones.
2, Following a ballistic weapon, missile, arrow etc. to its target:
Before CGI audiences would watch actions scenes with an arched eyebrow, and a monocle, smoking cigarettes in long cigarette holders and they would murmur: ‘That’s all very well, old boy, but if I don’t follow the cannonball from cannon mouth to explosion how can I really know what is happening?’ Please see The Alamo, Pearl Harbor, Lord of the Rings.
3, A character (usually a witness to a conspiracy) getting suddenly hit by a car, or truck:
the sudden shock of a character being hit by a speeding vehicle has been much reduced by the fact we’ve now seen it on a number of occasions. Please see The Edge of Darkness, World War Z, 21 Jump Street.
4, Strangely clean gore:
Ruby red blood gouting out of bodies torn literally to pixels. Please see Blade, 300, Resident Evil.
be they armies rushing at each other into battle, to the then clash in the middle, or zombie lemmings pouring over walls, there’s something about the hyper realism of the horde which is as disconcerting as Robert Zemeckis’ dead eyes. World War Z, 300, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit and I am Legend.
WELLINGTON – Viggo Mortensen arrived in Wellington, New Zealand today to prepare for his coronation as Aragorn, King of New Zealand, which will also be renamed Middle Zealand.
The peaceful transfer of power will be overseen by John Key, the current Prime Minister who is expected to cede power to the mastermind behind the move, Peter Jackson.
Speaking Elfish, Mr. Mortensen said:
I have nothing against Queen Elizabeth II who has been a wonderful figure head for New Zealand, but it is time that the country moved forward to the Third Age.
Liv Tyler is expected to join Aragorn as Queen Arwen, as ‘I have nothing better to do, and being Queen, I mean that’s like, neat?’ However, she caused some consternation when she referred to a party of welcoming Maoris as Orcs. Jackson was quick to repair the damage, pointing out that what with Dwarves and Elves living in peace with men, this was going to be a multicultural absolute monarchy.
King Aragorn said today:
New Zealand has given a lot to us as film makers. You gave us your union powers, your animals and now you’re going to give us absolute power so we can play out our fantasies at the state’s expense. And I swear, that on my first day in power, anyone less than six foot tall will no longer be allowed to wear shoes.
Other proposed changes include a banning of all technology, legislation to curb the use of dragons in mining operations and a controversial emigration policy for anyone over sixties who will be forcibly removed to the Grey Havens.
WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films have been hit by the economic crisis and have had to make cuts which are already evident from the trailers.
Expensive CGI special effects have been replaced by lumpy cartoons, sock puppets and the dwarves and hobbits have all been magically reduced in size by brutal medieval ‘aesthetic amputation’ methods.
Fran Walsh – Hobbit and Lord of the Rings screenwriter – moans: ‘Oh Jeez, we’ve had to cut so many corners. We employ children and we pay them in sweets. And we can’t afford Sir Ian McKellen so we’ve just re-cut some out takes and we’re trying to slot them in.’
Concerns over safety issues were raised however when Martin Freeman who plays Bilbo was rushed to hospital after falling over in a suit made entirely of mirrors, cutting himself badly. ‘That was the invisibility special effect,’ Freeman said, weeping piteously like a little girl. ‘I think I killed Gollum.’
Instead of the convoluted process of creating via a combination of CGI and motion capture, Gollum will be played by an unusually large frog that Peter Jackson has been stretching with his own hands.
NEW ZEALAND – Peter Jackson stirred up controversy earlier today when he insisted that his new film The Hobbit could be split into as many as four films.
‘There is a lot of material in the appendices,’ he said. ‘And the fact is I really need a new house.’
Speaking from his mansion outside Wellington, he clarified, ‘Well, I say need, it’s more that I want. I really want a new house. Some people are bound to say aren’t the houses you already have enough, but I say (with all due respect) Extended Edition bitches.’
Mr. Jackson’s Hobbit films – the first of which An Unexpected Journey is due to be released in December – have already caused some controversy after reports leaked to The Studio Exec that Jackson had abandoned forced perspective and CGI techniques to reproduce the hobbits’ and dwarfs’ diminished stature and was resorting to a technique he was calling ‘aesthetic amputation’.
This procedure apparently involves the amputation of the leg just below the knee and the attaching of large hairy prosthetic feet. Martin Freeman, who plays Bilbo Baggins, refused to comment on the rumours though he did remark that Mr. Jackson was keeping all the feet he had collected in a large fridge and had promised to return them in time for Sherlock Season 3.