PETER JACKSON: ‘THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR WILL HAVE TO BE 5 FILMS’

WELLINGTON – Film director and slow reader Peter Jackson has announced his next project will be a franchise based on the popular children’s book The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

‘We’re trying to break down the story,’ animal killer Peter Jackson (as he prefers to be known) said. ‘It’s really difficult because there’s so much to it. So Fran said, why not split it into more than one movie? We talked to the studio and agreed on five as a good number. It’s more than three and less than twenty.’

The decision will not come as a surprise to Jackson fans who have got used to the New Zealander’s unbelievable avarice  epic imagination. Jackson said:

I know there will be criticism from the purists but if you go back to the original Eric Carle book, you’ll see clearly that the book has a very clear five film structure. That Caterpillar eats a hell of a lot of food. Ice cream cones, a leaf, some pie, it’s just endless. And if we were try to squeeze that into just one or even two movies we’d lose so much. 

Andy Serkis will play everything.

 The Very Hungry Caterpillar: Part One The Unexpected Hatching is due to start filming in June, 2013 and will star Andy Serkis.

SEX LIVES OF THE HOBBITS REVEALED IN NEW BOOK

NEW ZEALAND –  An Unexpected Entry: The Sex Lives of the Hobbits: a new kiss and tell memoir by Sam Gamgee actor Sean Astin looks set to blow the lid off the night time doings in Hobbiton.

The Lord of the Rings and Goonies actor has already written one book about his experiences of making Peter Jackson’s epic three film saga: the incredibly whiny and self-deluded There and Back Again: An Actor’s Tale. But his new book looks to be an altogether different take. Among the many sizzling scandals, Astin reveals:

  • How one Hobbit was famous for using his Mines of Moria ‘GANDALF!’ scream at the point of climax.
  • How another pair of Hobbits had a competition to bag as many elves as they could in one night.
  • How Peter Jackson organised orgies between the principal actors and their body doubles, which Andy Serkis would participate in via motion capture technology.
  • Where the name ‘Gollum’ really comes from. 

Many have suggested that Astin has fabricated everything as an act of revenge at not being gifted a role in Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films, but Ian McKellen has said that “Every word is true. We had a lovely time and what the hell else were we supposed to do. We were in New Zealand for goodness sake!”

An Unexpected Entry: The Sex Lives of the Hobbits is available from Amazon and all good book stores.

PETER JACKSON TO REMAKE THE NEVERENDING STORY

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had the final battle cries of The Hobbit died out than Peter Jackson has embarked on another fantasy franchise: a remake of the 1984 Wolfgang Petersen film The NeverEnding Story.

The official synopsis reads:

Based on the Michael Ende novel, the film will tell the story of Bastian Bux (Elijah Wood), a young boy who is bullied at school and finds his only escape in books and in particular a book which transports him to a land called Fantasia ruled by a sick princess (Cate Blanchett) who lives in an ivory tower with no sense of irony.  She summons a young warrior called Atreyu (Orlando Bloom) to set and defeat the Nothing (George Lucas in his first major acting role) which threatens the land.

The Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:

I am very excited to get away from Middle Earth if only for a little while. At first I was a bit cautious about returning to fantasy but I read the book and fell in love with it. I was already a fan of the film. Especially the Limahl song [sings] ‘NeverEnding Story, do-de-do-de-de-do-de-de-do!’

Yes. Good. Fantastic. STOP! Now, how will you approach the film? 

At first I thought it’s going to be impossible to slim down into one film. I wanted to do a simple 90 minute story. But then I realised, who am I kidding? The title is the clue. So we’re going to make fifteen films back-to-back and no one in New Zealand need never go hungry or on holiday again.

The NeverEnding Story Parts 1-16 will be released over the next twenty years. 

THE HOBBIT IS BANNED FROM MIDDLE EARTH

MIDDLE EARTH – The Peter Jackson trilogy of The Hobbit will not be screened in Middle Earth following a ban on the movies by King Aragorn, the ruler of the mythical land.

A spokesperson from Minas Tirith said:

The racism and inaccuracies of Mr. Jackson’s film make it entirely unsuitable for viewing here. I mean not only is it very offensive, but frankly audiences here would just laugh it out of the room.

What kind of inaccuracies do you object to?

To begin with, the ethnicity is all cockeyed. Elves are black in reality and Orcs are white, all Orcs, not just one made up one. The Hobbits themselves are portrayed as tiny people, little people. Well, all the Hobbits I know are six footers at least. Jackson also shows a certain bigotry in his portrayal of Smaug, The record shows that Smaug actually was a very generous dragon who died of old age and was grieved by everyone here in Middle Earth.

The ban comes after Ridley Scott’s Exodus: Gods and Kings received a similar ban from Egypt who told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he was in complete solidarity with Peter Jackson:

This is an attack on the freedom of artists to use their imagination.

Jackson himself released the following statement:

Although I have taken some artistic liberties with the ethnicity of the characters and have changed some facts in order to inject some narrative peril, The Hobbit movies represent a deeper truth. The authorities of Middle Earth have obviously ignored that fact that money.

For more on The Hobbit and Peter Jackson CLICK HERE.

ELIJAH WOOD IS ‘NOT ACTUALLY TINY’

HOLLYWOOD – It was belated revealed today that actor and Hobbit Elijah Wood is actually regular adult size and not as has previously been assumed tiny the way he was in Flipper and Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

The revelations came during an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, an extract from which can be read below:

So how is it you will appear to be an adult size in Breck Eisner’s new film The Last Witch Hunter?

Well, I am normal size. I mean I’m just 5 foot five inches. I’m not a giant but yeah.

So they’ll use CGI to stretch you, or will Breck rely on ‘forced perspective’?

Neither. I mean I’ve been in a ton of films as myself, I mean as my own size. You haven’t seen Wilfred?

Non.

Maniac?

The remake?

Yes.

Non.

Grand Piano?

Non.

Well you can see me now?

I assumed you were wearing some kind of prosthetic assemblage.

You can’t honestly have thought we were all Hobbit sized.

So you’re saying Martin Freeman isn’t…

No.

Or Pippin and Merry?

No.

Or Tyrion Lannister?

Ah well. Yes, Peter Dinklage is … that’s his actual size.

Mon Dieu! Je suis confused.

 

Elijah Wood fans the world over reacted to the news with a mixture of consternation and disbelief.

Becky Hamilton from Iowa had this to say:

I think it like sucks. I mean. If you’re going to be small in one movie. You should really be small in all the movies. Otherwise I mean. What?

Jonah Painter, the current mayor of Hobbiton, said that Wood had ‘betrayed his Hobbity roots and would not be receiving a warm welcome on his return to the shire’.

Elijah Woods’ new film The Last Witch Hunter is directed by the man responsible for Sahara and will be released in 2015.

 

FRACKING TO BEGIN IN HOBBITON

MIDDLE EARTH – An application to start a ‘fracking‘ operation in Hobbiton to exploit natural resources of Shale has has been provisionally approved by the Hobbiton and West Farthing Regional Authority.

The application has been hotly disputed by local environmental groups who believe that the open cast mining technique which release gases by pneumatically pummeling the earth is environmentally unsound and can even cause earthquakes. 

Sam Gamgee head of the ‘Frack Off Out Of It! Campaign’ spoke to the Studio Exec earlier today:

It’s just not right, is it? I didn’t walk all the way to Mordor and back for this. They’ve used this technique in Moria and in those lands in the East but it has no place, round here and people won’t stand for it. Imagine what it’ll do to the crop!

However, Pippin is a strong supporter of hydraulic fracturing (or fracking for short) and is one of the signatories of the application.

What people don’t understand or refuse to understand is that fracking is actually environmentally beneficial. Natural gas released from the Shale is a much cleaner source of energy than the wood burning and coal burning that currently is responsible for heating 80% of the homes in the Shire. Not to mention the fact that the drilling operation will create hundreds of jobs and some much needed investment in an area which has been stagnant for way too long.

What do you think? Please feel free to COMMENT your head off, in the box provided below. 

THE HOBBIT GETS A NEW TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – The final Hobbit film got a new title this morning with an announcement made by director Peter Jackson after a screening of an early cut of the films.

The Kiwi director told the world’s press:

It was a difficult decision because so much hinges on the title and the mood we want to set, but we thought that one of the main differences from the book that we had worked into the film as a way of padding it out, seemed so incongruous and downright wrong that the only way of covering up our shameful lac of originality and general viciousness was to make that the title, so it looks like that’s what we wanted to do all along. 

The Hobbit: We Bought a Zoo will be released in December.

PETER JACKSON’S WAR AND PEACE WILL BE 3 FILMS

WELLINGTON – Lord of the Rings, Hobbit and Tin Tin prevaricator Peter Jackson has revealed that his post-Hobbit project – an ambitious adaptation of Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace.

And perhaps unsurprisingly it will be a trilogy.

Peter Jackson spoke from his underground lair:

I’ve always been a huge fan of L.V.V. Tolstoy and his wonderful fantasy books. Anna Karenina, which is all about this Elf princess, is a bit mopey so I thought I’d start my honoring of his work with War and Peace, which is set in the fantastical kingdom of Russia. A darkness has descended on the land as a dark lord called Napoleon threatens invasion. The innocent Muscovites set out on a mission to do battle.

 You know it isn’t a fantasy book? 

Of course, the scale of the book means that we can’t really do justice to it in a single film so… 

So you’re dividing… 

Dividing the book into three films. The first film War will be released in 2019, followed by And in 2020 and Peace in 2021. 

The first installment of War and Peace will be released in 2019. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 25. PETER JACKSON

WELLINGTON – Today in an intimate conversation with Studio Exec, Peter Jackson revealed his longing to move on from the works of Tolkien on completion his The Hobbit quadrology.

‘I’ve been working on J.R.R. Tolkien for almost fifteen years,’ Mr King Kong said. ‘With the making of The Hobbit trilogy six of my films will have been based on Tolkien’s work, seven if you count The Lovely Bones. So I’m really looking forward to wrapping up The Hobbit, so I can go on to fresh horizons and new challenges. Hell there’s a whole world of literature out there.’

So what do you have lined up?

The Silmarillion. 

But…

Which of course we won’t be able to do justice to in just one movie, so we’re thinking of splitting it up into four, no five, no six films. Nine movies tops.

Isn’t that another…

And then I’m going to make a stand alone Tom Bombadil movie. People were saying they missed Tom Bombadil in the Lord of the Rings, but really I didn’t think we could do justice to the singing and dancing hippy by having him just be there as a bit. So he’s gonna get his own musical. With all those wonderful songs.

So more Tolkien?

Come again?

J.R.R. Tolkien? Wrote the books?

I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. Anyway, busy busy. I just found out Tolkien wrote a few shopping lists and a letter to his landlady about her cat doing his business in the back garden.

The Silmarillion will be released in 2018 and for all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE..

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 24. SMAUG

WELLINGTON – One crisp morning, I met a drained looking dragon at a small Wellington bistro for breakfast.

Smaug is forty seven but following the fifteen month Hobbit shoot seems older. He slumps in his chair and orders a white chocolate mocha. 

Now that you’ve seen the completed film, how does it match up with your experiences?

It isn’t strictly speaking a biopic. I mean they glossed over my years singing in the Liverpool club circuit. In the original script, they showed my short stint as opening act for popular prog rockers Genesis, which was handled pretty well, we filmed a section of it and then, poof! it was gone. That’s the industry though.

You’ve been quite public about your anger at having your voice replaced by Benedict Cumberbatch in the movie. Do you think this attitude will make future directors wary of hiring you?

Look, I told Peter Jackson to his face it was bullshit! [Jackson maintains that Smaug’s Liverpudlian accent was ‘out of place’ in Middle Earth- Exec] but when you’ve had the constant stream of rejections I’ve had, you get used to it. I missed out on Dragonheart with Dennis Quaid back in the day, and that one hurt. I didn’t even get a call back for Game of Thrones, and even with this I had to audition about four times.

Really? you had to audition to play your own part?

Surprised? Yup, it came down to me and Gary Busey in the end. I had to sit outside the room listening to him doing an impression of me! In the end my physicality only just swung it. Busey’s good, I’ll give him that, but he’s too unpredictable and aggressive and ironically his breath is too flammable.

So what’s next? surely with your profile now there must be some offers coming in?

There’s been some discussion about a cameo in the new Cher movie, the Aquaman one [Click Here for more on that story] but it’s got a lot of underwater stuff and I’m mulling it over. Me and her go waaaay back and it’s… well, it’s complicated.

What would be your dream project?

I’m kinda sick of the movie industry at the moment.

 I would’ve thought you’d be thicker skinned by now. 

Very f*cking funny. maybe TV? what’s that HBO show? GIRLS, yeah, I’d like to have a go at something edgy like that. It’s filmed in New York right?

Yes.

Maybe not then, I caused a some damage there when I auditioned for Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla…another disappointment. What the… ? I can’t believe this shit. This interview is over.

At first, I thought he was offended by my line of questioning but then I realized the waitress had brought him a white chocolate latte and his day had been ruined.

For more Breakfasts with Assholes click here.

TOM BOMBADIL MOVIE IS GO

WELLINGTON – Kiwi and Heavenly Creatures director Peter Jackson has announced that he is in pre-production on a stand alone movie that will see him return once more to Middle Earth: Tom Bombadil.

The constantly singing herb loving hippy was a character that Jackson excised from The Fellowship of the Ring much to the chagrin of many fans. In the original Tolkien book, Tom turns up in the Old Forest as the Hobbits flee the Black Riders and gives them all magic mushrooms and plays them Ozric Tentacles albums, or something. Jackson initially expressed regret:

I would have loved to have had Tom in the film, but it slowed down the story and at the time, I actually cared about things like pace! How young I was, how naive!

To make up for lost time, Jackson has already committed to a seven picture deal. 

Although Tom only appears briefly in The Fellowship of the Ring, there is masses of stuff in the appendices, not actually about him. But I think if Tolkien was here today he would be saying to me, Go on, Peter mate! Exploit my intellectual property for all it’s worth. And I fully intend to do it.

As for casting, Jackson says nothing is certain but ‘we need someone who can sing and dance and act and grow a large beard and so Jeff Bridges, don’t go making any plans.’

Tom Bombadil: A Totally Expected Spin Off will hit screens sometime in 2015.  

SCIENTISTS WARN ‘ORLANDO BLOOM COULD RETURN’

LOS ANGELES – Hollywood was put on high alert last night as scientists from the Environmental Protection Agency warned that a return of Orlando Bloom was imminent. ‘We have been looking at a broad range of indicators including the screening guide of the 66th Cannes Film Festival and we have raised the Bloom alert to Code Red,’ said Dr. Yannater Silk of the EPA.

The effects of a return of Orlando Bloom are uncertain but some believe the worst case scenario could include food shortages and mass migration. Paul Rudd – a spokesman for the anti-Bloom pressure group Blando – said:

It has been two whole years since we had an Orlando Bloom film in the theatres and even then that was only a bit part in The Three Musketeers. The effect of a sudden return of Bloom could actually cause a kind of mental implosion. If that were to set off a chain reaction, the Earth’s crust could be compromised followed by the possibility of the destruction of all life on this planet. Or it could just be an unconvincingly wooden performance. One of the two.

Others, however, criticised such remarks as scaremongering. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said:

I for one welcome Orlando Bloom back to our screens, especially if he plays an Elf. Or as the less interesting part of a Johnny Depp film. What I would object to and I believe we should all guard against is a repeat of that Elizabethtown bullshit.    

Orlando Bloom’s new film Zulu  will premier as the closing film of the Cannes Film Festival. Whether it spreads or not is yet to be seen, but the EPA is adamant that using nuclear weapons against the Croissette – as an extreme containment measure – has not been ruled out.

HARRY STYLES TO DEBUT IN YOUNG GANDALF


NEW ZEALANDPeter Jackson‘s long awaited Hobbit prequel Young Gandalf finally has its star: One Direction singer and teen-heartthrob Harry Styles.

Set forty years before the events of The Hobbit, Styles will play Gandalf the Orange, an apprentice sorcerer yet to win his magic staff and who has to graduate from Warthogs Academy of Wizardry. Jackson and screenwriter Fran Walsh spoke to Studio Exec during a break from filming one of the Hobbit films.
Fran Walsh:

We get people coming up to us all the time saying, is it going to end really? Is it ever going to end? Please tell us that this is ending, right? And it’s obvious what they’re actually saying is are you going to do another one. And the answer is yes.

Peter Jackson:

Tolkien never actually wrote much about Gandalf when he was young but Tolkien didn’t write and direct an Oscar winning and massive commercial blockbuster like The Return of the King, so I think we can start to branch out on our own. F*ck Tolkien, is what I say. I’m gonna do what I want to do.

Fran Walsh:

What Pete means to say is though we revere the work of the great Tolkien and the imaginative universe he created…

Peter Jackson:

No, that isn’t it at all Fran. What I want to say is f*ck Tolkien. F*ck him up the Moria hole. I’m sick of him. 

Fran Walsh:

It is quite liberating. Fair dinkum, Pete. F*ck Tolkien.

How excited are you about working with Harry Styles?

Fran Walsh:

Who?

Pete Jackson:

Hugely. He has an enormous teenage fanbase who would jump off a cliff for him. So they’re easily going to come and see a series of five hour long fantasy films in 3D at 48 FPS and new squiggle vision.

Young Gandalf will begin filming in 2017.

PETER JACKSON EYES LORD OF THE RINGS SEQUELS

WELLINGTON – Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson talked post Hobbit projects this morning with Studio Exec  and his plans look set to excite Middle Earth fanatics everywhere.

‘We have been looking at making stand-alone sequels to each of the films in the original trilogy which would seek to exploit squeeze dry rape  pay homage to the world Tolkien created,’ the Bad Taste director, Peter Jackson said, smiling weakly.

The first films would go into production in 2014 and would be directed by Guillermo Del Toro: ‘We hire him and then we fire him,’ Jackson giggled. ‘It’s fun.’

According to Jackson the script of the first film is already done and the outlines of the other two films are coming into shape. ‘The first film will be The Fellowship of the Ring Rides Again,’ said The Lovely Bones. ‘Followed by The Two Towers Two. Fran wanted this one to be called The Four Towers and so that might change. And rounding off our new trilogy will be The Return of the Return of the King, which we hope will win twenty two Oscars.’

How would Jackson respond to criticism that he was milking Tolkien pretty dry?

I’d probably throw money at them. Ha ha ha. No, I’d pay someone to throw money at them. Ha ha ha. No, but seriously. I could probably throw the money myself. And I have a lot of it, so that would probably do the trick. Bags of coins, or gold bars or something. I could hire a helicopter and drop it on them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, but seriously, what people don’t understand is that Tolkien was an inveterate scribbler. We have shopping lists, letters he wrote, his homework from when he was a kid, graffiti he wrote in Oxford in Elvish. So lots to be going on with. 

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