JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT TURNS UP TO FORCE AWAKENS PREMIERE DRESSED LIKE KERMIT

HOLLYWOOD – Star of Sin City: A Dame to Kill For and 50/50, Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned up to the Star Wars: Force Awakens première in Los Angeles tonight, dressed like a Muppet.

In some sad sack Cosplay attempt, Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned up to the first screening of Star Wars: The Force Awakens dressed in his pyjamas and with his face green and some home-made ears. A stormtrooper standing by told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I really liked Looper, but today Joseph Gordon Levitt was a sad embarrassment to the very serious business of Cosplay. We dedicate our time and energy to getting our costumes precisely accurate, but Levitt turns up and the asshole’s got the wrong movie.

Cheers and Hunger Games star, Woody Harrelson defended the actor saying, ‘Maybe he thought Kermit was in the picture.’ But everyone knows that Harrelson is always high so an endorsement from his mouth is almost worse than nothing. When asked what on earth he was thinking turning up to a Star Wars event dressed as a Muppet, Gordon-Levitt laughed it off:

Right, Muppet! Fantastic. After four hundred years so Kermity you will be. Ha ha!

Everyone agreed that it made no sense whatsoever. Noted linguist Noam Chomsky posted a video on YouTube criticizing Gordon-Levitt’s syntax. ‘It’s all wrong,’ he concluded.

Could this be the end of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s career?

Use the comment box below to tell us what you think.

To read our Star Wars: The Force Awakens SPOILER FREE review CLICK HERE!

BACK TO THE FUTURE DAY IS A GLITCH IN THE MATRIX

HOLLYWOOD –  Scientists have revealed that Back to the Future Day represent a serious glitch in the Matrix and might bring the virtual reality universe in which we unwittingly live crashing down around our ears.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Neil deGrasse Tyson has warned that October 21st 2015 in matching the date to which Marty McFly and Doc Brown travel at the end of Back to the Future – the so called Back to the Future Day – represents a major paradox in the space time film reality continuum.

‘It’s like Inception, but times like a squillion,’ said the noted astrophysicist.

The only solution that I can think of is to hand over all our most essential computing tasks to SkyNet, a system of coordinated AI servers that I invented with the help of the HAL 2000. Aside from his amazing computing skills and innovative imagination, Hal also has a screen writing credit on Terminator Genisys and plays a great game of squash.

But why does Back to the Future Day represent such a threat?

The thing is when the fictive universe created in film coincides with our own universe, which we like to call ‘real’ but which is in fact only another fiction, then this creates a paradox. Imagine we crossed the beams in Ghostbusters, or like in 12 Monkeys, Madeline Stowe was actually here right now doing things and Bruce Willis was a moderately good actor! Hard to handle, right? Once such a paradox occurs who knows what will happen. My personal guess is that it’ll be like watching Looper on a loop, or dreaming about Inception. People begin designing hover boards and professing a love of Huey Lewis and the News. Once that happens, I’m afraid it is game over.

But won’t SkyNet seek to take over the world and destroy all human resistance?

Well, yes, but you have to ask yourself: is that such a bad thing?

Happy Back to the Future Day from the Studio Exec.

RIAN JOHNSON WILL SEX UP STAR WARS

HOLLYWOOD – Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Rian Johnson revealed he will be sexing up Star Wars in his new stand alone movie.

Sex has always been a subject of some reticence in the Star Wars universe – from Princess Leia’s taped nipples to the dangers of incest – but all that is to change in Rian Johnson’s stand alone Star Wars film which the Looper director has declared is going to be ‘wall-to-wall copulation.’

Star Wars for me was a very adolescent discovery. I was into it as a boy and then going through puberty I started to ask questions, imagine things, situations, sexy situations if you will, on Jabba the Hutt’s slave barge for instance or slithering about in the trash compactor. Huh, huh.

Wow! So how is this going to effect the new film?

When I first talked to Kathleen [Kennedy, the producer] about the  film, she said she wanted my version to be the first NC-17 Star Wars picture. We talked about the various sexual fantasies we had about the Star Wars universe and she gave me carte very blanche.

So the story?

The story I can’t tell you too much about, except to say that I spent a lot of time re-watching Paul Verhoeven’s  Showgirls. As for the rest of it, we are going to have a sexy cantina scene. The Imperial Court is a bit like that scene in Eyes Wide Shut. And there are other uses for Droids which will finally reveal what we really mean when we talk about a ‘protocol droid’.

Star Wars: The Force Arouses will be released in 2016.

 

RIAN JOHNSON TO REMAKE LOOPER


HOLLYWOOD – Rian Johnson announced that he is to remake Looper, his Science Fiction mind bending time travel thriller that stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis’ younger self.

‘I made it all wrong,’ said Johnson. ‘I watched it again recently and I realised that Bruce Willis should be playing an older Joseph Gordon-Levitt rather than Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Bruce Willis’ younger self.’

The news came as no surprise to Rian Johnson collaborator, actor Paul Dano: ‘It came as no surprise to me, as actor Paul Dano, because what many people don’t realise is that Rian Johnson already made Looper three times. One in 2009 and twice in 2011, but one of those 2011s weren’t our 2011.’

Rian Johnson said that the plot mechanics of time traveller were so complicated and convoluted that he was unable to properly explain many of the parts of his own film, but he admitted the only way to do justice to the story was to use real time travel.  ‘I watched it again recently and I realised that Bruce Willis should be playing an older Joseph Gordon-Levitt rather than Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Bruce Willis’ younger self.’

Rian Johnson announced that he is to remake Looper, his Science Fiction mind bending time travel thriller that stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis’ younger self. The news came as no surprise to Rian Johnson collaborator, actor Paul Dano: ‘It came as no surprise to me, as actor Paul Dano, because what many people don’t realise is that Rian Johnson already made Looper three times. One in 2009 and twice in 2011, but one of those 2011s weren’t our 2011.’

Rian Johnson. Rian Johnson. Looper Paul Dano.
Bruce.