LOKI GETS STAND ALONE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – After another movie-stealing turn in Thor: The Dark World, Tom Hiddleston has confirmed that he will be playing Loki in a new stand alone Marvel feature provisionally entitled Loki: The Darker World

Attack the Block director Joe Cornish is one of the names currently in the running but some have even suggested Oliver Stone might be the surprise choice. Stone was at pains to say he had heard nothing officially but did suggest that he would be willing to take the job if it was offered. 

I’m a huge fan of the Marvel universe and Tony Hopkins told me that Thor was a lot of fun to make and I believe him. As for Loki, sure why not?  He’s by far the most interesting character and I love the way Tom plays him. 

Hiddleston himself said he would be delighted at the opportunity to fill a whole movie with Loki. “There’re a lot of issues to explore, so yeah sure,” said the English actor. 

However, some believe the maverick actor would be a risk for the studios, given his recent history of swan killing and his membership of the British ex-pat club The Jolly Bastards.  
One thing is for sure: with his huge online army of Loki fans to placate, Marvel will have to pull out all the stops to make it a good one. Here’s Loki-ing at you kid!

Loki: The Darker World will be released in 2016.

TOM HIDDLESTON KILLS A SWAN

LONDON – Actor and inexplicable heartthrob Tom Hiddleston was arrested today in Central London, accused of having killed a swan.

Mr. Hiddleston – made famous for his role as Loki in The Avengers and Thor – was apparently walking in Hyde Park with some friends. Upon spotting the swan, Mr. Hiddleston’s whole demeanour is said to have changed.

‘His eyes burned with a fiery intensity and a long string of drool dripped from the corner of his mouth,’ said a bizarrely articulate eyewitness. ‘Then he dashed straight into the pond and tore its head off with his bare hands.’

Accounts differ slightly in regard to the actual attack, as some say the actor bit the head off and one witness, a greens keeper, said the young actor kicked its head off.  ‘It went flying through the air, gore sprinkling and a look of surprise in its little black eyes,’ said Mr. Thunk.

As all swans in England belong to the Queen, Mr. Hiddleston could be in a great deal of trouble should the charges be proven against him.

‘The penalty for killing a swan on the books is death,’ said a spokesperson for the Metropolitan Police. ‘It is one of the few remaining capital crimes left on the books, along with treason and setting fire to Her Majesty’s shipyards. Something she despises.’

Friends of Mr. Hiddleston have rallied round and decided en masse to go to the theater tonight to take their minds off the ghastly unpleasantness.

MARK STRONG: I’M NOT EVIL

HOLLYWOOD – British actor Mark Strong has asserted today that he is ‘not evil’, despite appearing to be evil in such films as The Guard, Kick Ass, Green Lantern, Robin Hood and Sherlock Holmes.

The actor told the Studio Exec:

I admit I have been typecast as a bit of a villain, but I’m a working actor so I take what I can and hopefully as my career progresses I’ll be offered perhaps a more varied selection of roles and people will see what I can really do.

Does it anger you when people confuse with the roles you play?

No, not at all. I think it’s funny. And after people have talked to me for a few minutes, they realize it’s just all part of the job.

But what if people insist that you’re evil, how do you handle that?

There’s nothing to handle. I mean people are really intelligent. 99% of people understand that it’s pretend and they behave accordingly.

What about that 1% though?

Well, it depends.

What do you mean?

Okay if someone doesn’t get it and after I explain time and again, I might lose my temper a little.

You shout at them?

No. What I do is I find out if anyone would miss them. You know if they were to disappear would there be an investigation. How thorough would it be? Do they live in a building, or in a detached lonely location? Somewhere with no security. Once I’ve captured them, I …

Captured them?

Yes. As I was saying once I’ve captured them I take them over to Tom’s place.

Tom?

Tom Hiddleston, he has this hole in his cellar. I mean I say hole, it’s more like a dungeon really. It’s where he puts people who insist on calling him Loki all the time. 

Ah.

Yeah. It was Tom who told me how to capture people.

 I think that’s all we have time for.

Of course he has amazing drainage. And industrial strength acid.

Mark Strong will be appearing in The Imitation Game in 2015.

TOM HIDDLESTON ‘NOT GUILTY’ OF SWAN MURDER

LONDON – ‘The nightmare is over,’ said a beaming Tom Hiddleston, on the steps of a London courthouse. The case which began two weeks ago saw the Avengers star accused of having murdered a swan in Hyde Park a month ago.

The prosecution case seemed unassailable. A number of eye witnesses testified to having seen Mr. Hiddleston kill the swan, although there was some confusion as to how he killed the swan. Some said that he killed the swan by kicking its head off; some said he killed the swan by biting its head off and some said he killed the swan by throttling it with his bare hands, but one fact was absolutely certain, they had all seen Tom Hiddleston kill a swan. Plus there was the police report and forensics on the body of one male swan (decapitated).


The consequences could have been very grim, as in England swans are legally the property of the monarch and, as a crime against the Queen, Hiddleston if had been found guilty would have faced a further charge of treason, carrying the possibility of the ultimate sanction. However, Hiddleston  listened to the prosecution’s case unmoved, before insisting on conducting his own defence. When called to present his case he put on a special hat and held a staff of some kind at which point everything he said seemed to be utterly reasonable and true. He argued there was no swan, he did not even think swans existed and he had not killed it. His eyes burnt with a fierce malevolent intensity.

Court artist’s impression

The jury immediately pronounced him innocent and the judge – from a kneeling position – expressed his deep regret at his supreme overlord being in any way inconvenienced. The prosecution – who were now weeping and gibbering – also begged for mercy. Once Mr. Hiddleston had left the court room to greet the press on the steps of the court, everyone inside felt as if they had just awoken from a deep restful sleep and had only a vague memory of what happened. Father Ewan MacGregor – President of the Swan Protection League – condemned the judgement as being ‘obviously the result of mind manipulation’. However, Hiddleston’s friend and charter member of the Hollywood gang the Jolly Bastards, Benedict Cumberbatch said that it was time people allowed that swans were dirty vermin and their murder completely justified.

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