FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

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TOP 5 CGI CLICHES

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec FACT squad picks the top 5 worst CGI cliches.

The Studio Exec – the finest Film resource on the internet – brings you the 5 worst CGI clichés ever made in any film ever and shown on cinema screens in a movie house.


1, The flock of birds
A cityscape of obvious CGI-ness, a surging score, you can already hear Terry Gilliam saying ‘It’s only a model!’, but then Lo! what’s that? a flock of birds departs from the eaves of one part of the city and heads somewhere else. The audience can be heard gasping at the realisation that as birds live here this is a real city, for if it wasn’t, where would they live? Lord of the Rings, Gladiator, Star Wars: The Phantom Diarrhoea and The Game of Thrones.

2, Following a ballistic weapon, missile, arrow etc. to its target
Before CGI audiences would watch actions scenes with an arched eyebrow, and a monocle, smoking cigarettes in long cigarette holders and they would murmur: ‘That’s all very well, old boy, but if I don’t follow the cannonball from cannon mouth to explosion how can I really know what is happening?’ Please see The Alamo, Pearl Harbor, Lord of the Rings.
3, A character (usually a witness to a conspiracy) getting suddenly hit by a car, or truck
the sudden shock of a character being hit by a speeding vehicle has been much reduced by the fact we’ve now seen it on a number of occasions. Please see The Edge of Darkness, World War Z, 21 Jump Street.
4, Strangely clean gore
Ruby red blood gouting out of bodies torn literally to pixels. Please see Blade, 300, Resident Evil.
5, Hordes
be they armies rushing at each other into battle, to the then clash in the middle, or zombie lemmings pouring over walls, there’s something about the hyper realism of the horde which is as disconcerting as Robert Zemeckis’ dead eyes. World War Z, 300Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit and I am Legend. 

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SIGHT AND SOUND POLL: ERRATA

LONDON – The Sight and Sound top 100 poll is (as you will all know) a way for top film critics from all over the world to pretend they like Citizen Kane once every ten years. In a revolutionary upset this year, on the 1st of August, it was announced that critics would be pretending to like Vertigo – not Psycho or The Birds but Vertigo and no longer Citizen Kane – for ten years. However, in an unprecedented upset, the British Film Institute today has published a set of errata which radically alter the composition of the list and will undoubtedly cause open handed slap fights in cinema lobbies up and and down the world.

The errata reads so:

During the compilation of the original list over 800 critics, programmers and directors were asked for their preferences. However, due to myopia and some out and out snobbery the final list that was published contained some serious errors, and errors is a generous interpretation of the facts. Please adjust the published list in the following way: 

  • In the first place where the list reads: ‘Vertigo directed by Alfred Hitchock (1958) with 191 votes’ it should instead read ‘Maid in Manhattan directed by Wayne Wang with 231 votes’. 
  • In the second place where the list reads: ‘Citizen Kane directed by Orson Welles (1941) with 147 votes’ should instead read ‘We Bought a Zoo directed by Cameron Crowe (2011) with 230 votes’.
  • Other changes include Tokyo Story (3rd place) which has been overtaken by the Italian sex comedy A Policewoman on the Porno Squad (1979) directed by Michele Trantini; La Règle du Jeu (4th position) has been overtaken by Cannonball Run II (1984).

The rest of the list remains pretty much unaltered although The Human Centipede makes a surprise entry (no pun intended but gladly received) at 45 ousting Abbas Kiarostami’s Close-Up, which even the director called ‘dull’. Nick James the editor of Sight and Sound is climbing an unnamed Scottish mountain and so is unavailable for comment.

MITT ROMNEY’S TOP 5 FILMS.

On the eve of the US Presidential election, Mitt Romney spoke exclusively to Studio Exec about his favourite films. 









The Ten Commandments

I’m a big Charlton Heston fan I used to have posters of him on my wall in college and The Ten Commandments has always been my favourite of his films. He befriended me when I was chairman of the ‘Young NRA’ and occasionally he’d take me on weekend hunting trips. We’d spend our days near the Mexican border drinking lemonade and taking pot shots at any fence climbing Taco-Jockeys and at night we’d build a fire and he’d tell me these great stories about Hollywood. It’s funny though, because as much as I admire his performance as Moses, it was the Pharaoh who I most identified with. Hell, I’ll admit it. I cried my eyes out when he drowned in the Red Sea. Oh, spoiler I suppose.

Rocky 4

I enjoyed the Cold War! It was a time when everyone knew their place and the line between enemy and ally was clearly defined. I didn’t like the first Rocky when he was a down and out bum. I just couldn’t identify with the character but the richer he got the more I rooted for him. On the surface, Rocky 4 is a simple story of a hard hitting boxer with a chronic inability to defend himself in the ring, but the subtext is obviously capitalism’s victory over communism. Rocky is the personification of America – tough, stubborn and severely brain damaged. We attack, swing mindlessly at our opponents and pray we can take more blows to the head than they can. It’s a strategy I pledge to continue.


Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

I really admire the character of Judge Doom. His methods might seem extreme to some but here was a man who came down hard on his own people because he was so disenchanted with their anarchist tendencies. For me, that takes real guts. Toon Town is a place of madness and degeneracy. Crime figures are high and there seems to be very little in the way of religion and basic morality. When I heard the news that no resident has ever paid a cent in tax I sent a letter to Obama, but so far I’ve had no reply – which is typical of his administration. If I become President, the first thing I’m going to do is clean up Toon Town though to be honest, I’m not quite sure where it is – as it doesn’t show up on Google Maps.



Red State

I’ve haven’t got a clue what it’s about but I really like the title.









Irreversible

What exactly is rape? It’s one of those questions that I keep on asking but nobody seems to be able to provide me with an adequate answer. Sure, a woman has a right to say no but as we all know, sometimes no, actually means yes. It’s confusing. Take the scene in Irreversible for example. Monica Bellucci is attacked and she struggles but is she struggling in order to accentuate the rape fantasy, or is she really struggling? I’m not sure and it could be the case that she’s just a mediocre actress. I’m not saying I condone violence or anything but it seems to me that if you are approached by a rapist and you’re in no mood for being raped, then it’s probably better just to go with it and not fight back. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a bouncing baby for your trouble. And they say I don’t know anything about women’s issues!

STUDIO EXEC’S TOP FIVE LIST OF ALL TIME LISTS

NEW YORK – As a mere newcomer to the film blogging site business game, Studio Exec has been remiss in not including at least seven lists every day of the top five/ten/one hundred of something or other film related lists list.

So here we have the top five list of all time lists.

  1. List of crap movies from the Eighties that really ought to be remade. As if swine such as I needed any encouragement whatsoever to go back to that particular trough, you actually want to do my market research for me? Thanks. 
  2. The Sight and Sound top 100 list. This list was in the news recently because some old film was replaced by another old film and half of us pretended to have a tizzy and the other half had a tizzy about them having a tizzy. Like children would die as a result of it. And this from the more high-minded part of the community? Sheesh.
  3. List of people who could direct the new Batman movie. Nolan flukes out and actually makes three comic book movies that can be watched and appreciated by people who haven’t been lobotomised and we want to go back to the well and see if next time we can’t fuck it up? Be my guest, I suppose.  Woody Allen has my vote.
  4. The top seven must disgusting deaths in the Final Destination/Saw/Hostel/… series. We all love watching teenagers being split, but really? Ranking them?
  5. Schindler’s List. Fuck you. I liked it. And unlike the rest, it did actually mean something.

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