CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WON’T DIRECT JENGA

HOLLYWOOD – The next film by Christopher Nolan will not be Jenga, despite an announcement earlier this week.

It looks like Jenga won’t be the next film Christopher Nolan directs. ‘It’s very sad,’ says brother and screenwriter Jonathan. ‘Everything seemed to be in place. I was working on the script, the money looked good. Our sisters were going to do the soundtrack and Liam Neeson was on speed dial. But then we were adjusting one little piece – I think it was hiring the gaffer – and the whole thing came crashing down around our ears and onto the kitchen floor.’

It had seemed like the perfect fit for Nolan, whose interest in puzzles and mazes is now legendary.

‘It’s multi-layered with lots of different levels; like some kind of vertical jigsaw,’ Nolan stated when news of the project first broke.

A close source to the director said that he was in his room ‘weeping bitterly’ and refusing to come out.

Hasbro, who own the rights to the game, have hurriedly suggested any number of other possibilities but rival company Mattel is also offering Ker-Plunk! as a possible alternative. But Nolan is keeping quiet about what his next project might be. 

Buckaroo is in theaters.

LIAM NEESON AND ALEC BALDWIN SOLVE WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin have stepped in and solved women.

The world breathed a sigh of relief last night after news broken that Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin had got together and solved women.

Alec Baldwin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was looking a bit tricky back there. Lots of people were wondering how it was going to pan out. There’s the #MeToo movement and then there’s also #TimesUp. And what’s going on with Kevin Spacey and Woody Allen and Aziz Anzari. Luckily though I had a big think about it and I worked it all out.

Liam Neeson added:

Women are very complicated creatures. Some would say they’re deadlier than the male. But statistics actually prove that isn’t the case. It’s a myth.

What qualifies you to solve women?

LN: I have a particular set of skills.

AB: I was good on 30 Rock. And I’ve played Donald Trump to huge acclaim.

But that isn’t…?

LN: I was Zeus for crying out loud. Of course I can do it. I commanded a battleship in that film… what was it?

AB: Battleship?

LN: The A Team I think it was.

Is there a risk that a pair of privileged white men talking about this issue lack authority?

LN: You have to ask why are we privileged?

AB: Maybe we know something you don’t know.

LN: I, for instance, have a particular set of skills.

You keep saying that. But aren’t you worried people will think you are condescending? Maybe even misogynistic?

AB: How can I be misogynistic? I love women.

LN: When my daughter — DAUGHTER — was kidnapped, I not only found her, I killed about thirty guys. Then my wife and daughter – both of them women, you’ll note – got kidnapped again, I killed about thirty. I must admit the third time they tried to kidnap my wife I was thinking, how come the silly bitch keeps getting kidnapped? But I still avenged her death, with more violence.

Commuter is in cinemas. I don’t know what Alec Baldwin is doing.

AMAZON TO MAKE KRULL TV SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – Amazon signs on to make a TV show based on 80s fantasy movie Krull.

Following on from the news of a Lord of the Rings TV show, Amazon have announced that it will also start shooting a TV remake of Krull. The 1983 British fantasy film is a cult classic that has long demanded a remake. Initially, Edgar Wright looked set to remake the film but as with Ant-Man and the musical of 10 Rillington Place, the project came to nothing. A statement from Jeff Bezos’ company stated:

We at Amazon are very proud to be involved in bringing Krull back to life. We can assure fans that the Glaive is safe in our hands.

The show looks set to be a multi-season epic, aimed at snatching the Game of Thrones audience. A $210 deal won Amazon the rights. And already rumors are rife about possible casting, with Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane already signed on to reprise their original roles. Voices have also mentioned Ryan Reynolds and Rosario Dawson as possible A-listers in line for respectively Colwyn and Lyssa with Dwayne the Rock Johnson in the mix as Cyclops.

For those who don’t know, Krull takes place in a time neither past nor future on the planet Krull. A young prince Colwyn is to marry Princess Lyssa from an opposing clan. The marriage will bring peace but a monstrous villain called simply the Beast kidnaps her. He has a flying mountain fortress. Colwyn must seize the Glaive – a kind of impractical throwing star – and gather a band of unlikely warriors to do battle. And rescue Princess Lyssa.

Krull will shoot in 2018.

DENIS VILLENEUVE TO REMAKE KRULL

HOLLYWOOD – Following Blade Runner and Dune, Denis Villeneuve plans to remake Krull.

Sicario and Arrival director Denis Villeneuve will direct a remake of the science-fiction/fantasy classic Krull. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

We’re going to get as many of the original cast back together. I know Liam Neeson is lobbying to be in it again, along with Robbie Coltrane and Lysette Anthony and Kenneth Marshall are keen to have small roles. Obviously, what we have to do is retain the authenticity of the original and yet at the same time bring in some new faces. Zach Galifianakis is playing Colwyn and Amy Adams is going to be Lyssa.

Why Krull?

We’re doing Blade Runner and then Dune. I just have a bunch of old science fiction movies from the 80s and I throw a dart and whatever I hit I make.

Peter Yates directed the original. Edgar Wright and Duncan Jones have both talked about directing a remake, but in the end couldn’t be bothered.

Krull will be released in 2018.

SILENCE – REVIEW

REVIEW: SILENCE – Spider-man and Kylo Ren go to Japan to find Ra’s Ghul.

Martin Scorsese’s new film apparently took 20 years to make or more accurately he wanted to do it for twenty years or something. Anyway the adaptation of Shusaku Endo’s amazing novel is faithful, perhaps overly so. Large slabs of prose are Terrence Malicked onto the soundtrack, but at the same time Scorsese also literally renders paragraphs, often risking silliness. The story often slides towards Christian propaganda and one wonders how Mel Gibson would have dealt with it. And how critics would have looked at the film if he had.

Hacksaw Ridge actor Andrew Garfield does some more blinking as the priest who with Adam Driver goes looking for Liam Neeson and proselytize to the heathens in Japan. The persecution that follows provides a stations of the cross for the priest who enters his crisis of faith. There’s some dodgy CGI and some wonderfully inventive direction. But the ambiguity of the novel has its hand tipped with a clumsy last shot and dedication.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

TAKEN 4 LOOKS CRAP

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson fans everywhere rose up in disgust at the first images of Taken 4.

The eagerly awaited Taken 4 arrives late this year, but already fans of the Liam Neeson actioner are hot under the collar.

Uber-Taken fan, Leonard Katz told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I have a particular set of skills. One of them is to spot a terrible Taken film. This looks like a terrible Taken film. Liam is just kneeling and praying. And who are those Japanese guys behind him? Terrorists I imagine, but why is he praying like some kind of girl’s sandwich? And what’s with that shirt? It’s almost as bad as the prequel he did when he went back in time and saved all those Jews.

Director Martin Scorsese responded to criticism by telling everyone ‘to shut up.’

Taken 4 will be released December, 2016.

MARTIN SCORSESE’S SILENT MOVIE ‘BULLSHIT’ SAYS EXPERT

HOLLYWOOD – Martin Scorsese’s new movie Silence has been branded ‘bullshit’ by a leading expert on silent cinema.

The trailer dropped for Martin Scorsese’s new film Silence this week but not everyone is impressed.

Maurice Hepatite, leading expert of the silent era and author of ‘Say What: An Exploration in Early Cinema’, reacted with disgust to the footage.

It’s obvious that Mr. Scorsese knows next to nothing about silent films. His movie is called Silence, but having watched the trailer five times, I can tell you that first there is talking, then there is music and there are sound effects clearly audible on the soundtrack. There’s a goddamned soundtrack as well.

But Martin Scorsese…

Scorsese promised a silent movie. Look at the goddamned title, Chad. And all we get is the word ‘silence’, which garfield speaks spoken in a ridiculous Portuguese accent. Saying the word Silence doesn’t make this a silent movie. I thought someone of Mr. Scorsese’s purported acumen would have known that.

The film stars Andrew Garfield, Adam Driver and Liam Neeson as three priests with terrible accents who decide to be silent in order to avoid embarrassment.

Silence will be released in December, 2016.

LIAM NEESON DISPATCHED TO RESCUE CHRIS CHRISTIE

NEW JERSEY – Liam Neeson has been dispatched by the FBI in an attempt to rescue New Jersey Governor.

Action film star and revered Irish actor Liam Neeson is to attempt to rescue New Jersey governor and former presidential candidate Chris Christie. FBI spokesperson Audrey Hamilton spoke exclusively with the Studio Exec:

Mr. Christie’s family first got in touch about a fortnight ago. He had not returned home following the suspension of his presidential campaign. At first family members believed that Mr. Christie needed some space and time to reflect. They were shocked when they saw him endorsing his arch-rival Donald Trump. Despite his words it was evident to law officers that from his body language and especially from the look in his eyes that Mr. Christie was very likely behaving under extreme duress. Further film evidence shows him being paraded around by Donald Trump who at whim uses him as the butt of his jokes, or orders him to get back in his plane, where he is believed to be chained up like the ‘gimp’ in Pulp Fiction and only fed fruit flavored pop tarts.

 Liam Neeson was called, using a special number that causes a red telephone to ring in his house. A representative for the actor says that he has been training with Gabriel Byrne for just such an eventuality.

We at the FBI have nothing but praise for the conduct of Mr. Neeson. He answered his differently colored telephone almost immediately and said he had a ‘certain set of skills’. We asked if he would use these skills to free Mr. Christie.

Would Liam Neeson be expected to ‘take out’ Donald Trump?

The FBI couldn’t possibly comment on that. That would be the CIA’s department.

Liam Neeson will be appearing in Martin Scorsese’s The Silence next month.

DEADPOOL REMAKE WON’T FEATURE CLINT EASTWOOD CAMEO

HOLLYWOOD – Clint Eastwood today denied that he will be taking part in the remake of his 1988 film The Dead Pool, which has been re-titled Deadpool.

The news comes amidst months of online speculation that the veteran actor would make a sizable cameo in the new Deadpool, which stars Ryan Reynolds in the role of Inspector ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan.

The 85 year old actor told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I didn’t even know they were remaking that film. Deadpool you say? Strange. Of all the Dirty Harry films, that’s probably the weakest. I thought they would have been better off remaking the first Dirty Harry, or perhaps Magnum Force. What with all the police shootings and everything Magnum Force would be topical.

The original The Dead Pool featured Eastwood as Callahan and Inspector Quan investigating a series of murders based on horror director Liam Neeson’s Dead Pool, a betting list of who is going to die next. One of the victims includes a first big screen outing for ‘comedian’ Jim Carrey.

We spoke with star of the new film Ryan Reynolds about taking on one of the most iconic roles in American cinema.

I’m very happy to be a part of this. Deadpool is a great character and a real departure from the kind of comic book movie we’ve been seeing recently.

Will you be saying any of Callahan’s most famous lines? 

I’m sorry, Callahan? I don’t understand.

You know ‘Go ahead punk, make my day’ or ‘Do you feel lucky punk? Do you?’

Oh wait are you talking about Dirty Harry? No that’s totally different. I’m playing a Marvel comic book hero called Deadpool. It’s nothing to do with the 1988 Dirty Harry movie, the fifth installment I believe in the film series.

Will you be remaking other Dirty Harry movies in the near future?

No but it isn’t Dirty Harry. It’s a … Okay, yeah. We’re remaking Sudden Impact next.

Excellent. 

But we’re calling it Suddenimpact.

Deadpool will be released in 2016.

DON’T LOOK NOW TO BE RUINED

HOLLYWOOD – 1973 Nicolas Roeg classic Don’t Look Now is to be ruined  by the team that made Liam Neeson forgettable.

Andrew Rona and Alex Heineman – the producing partnership that brought us such sub-Neeson slop as Unknown and Non-Stop – have acquired the rights and are currently deciding whether to continue ruining Liam Neeson’s career or if they want to bring in a remake ruining specialist such as Mark Wahlberg was has a proven record of ruining remakes.

The original film was based on a Daphne Du Maurier short story, but used that inspiration to create a highly original, experimental and sophisticated movie which is at once a serious and erotic relationship drama, an art movie and one of the creepiest horror films ever made. An architect John Baxter (Donald Sutherland) and his wife (Julie Christie) are in Venice, where Baxter is renovating a church. The couple are trying to rebuild their lives following the death of their daughter, who drowned in their pond. A series of murders are taking place in the city of canals and John is disturbed by his wife’s friendship with a pair of spiritualist sisters.

The reboot / reiteration / re-imagining is unlikely to bear little relationship to the original.

HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson is to complete a quadrology of board game based films with the release of Hungry Hungry Hippos to be released next year.

The Irish actor and Taken star spoke EXCLUSIVELY about the project with The Studio Exec:

It doesn’t seem like yesterday that we were talking about Operation and Battling Tops. After I decided to make those two films my agent called me up and said ‘Liam you’re not going to believe this but they’re after making a film of Hungry Hungry Hippos’. Well, I said ‘Stop the clock! I want it Barney. I want the gig. I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my whole life!’

Why were you so passionate about it?

You see when I was a lad growing in in Ireland, I used to play Hungry Hungry Hippos with my cousins while the adults were all getting ripped off their arses on the porter and singing songs of the famine. I had many a happy memory of that game so it they’re going to make a film of it I want to be involved so that I know they’ll do it right.

What’s the story?

I play Brian McHare, an explorer in the African Congo at the turn of the century. I’m hoping to discover a passage but in the meanwhile there are these diamond smugglers who are looking to kill the local natives and do away with the treasure. We all fall in together and that’s when we come across the titular Hungry Hungry Hippos. have you seen Jaws?

Yes. 

Of course you have. Well, it’s like that, but with hippopotami. And in the jungle. Ridley Scott’s going to direct it. Denzel Washington is playing the fiendish diamond smuggler and One Direction – in their first dramatic film roles – are playing the innocent African villagers.

But aren’t they…

I know but Ridley wants to make a point.

Hungry Hungry Hippos will be released in 2016. 

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ANNOUNCES NEW PROJECT: JENGA

LONDON – Christopher Nolan has chosen his follow up to the Dark Knight Rises: Jenga: the Motion Picture.

Nolan announced his decision in a written statement on beautiful velvety paper (lightly lemon scented) which read:

Ciao world!

I have decided after much consideration to follow up my wonderful Interstellar with a film which will be even more epic and even more personal. It is to be entitled Jenga and before you ask, oh, just like the wooden block puzzle game!? I shall say, exactly like that. In fact, it is identical to it. The film will be scripted by my brother Jonathan and scored by my sisters, Denise, Linda, Coleen and Bernadette with help of Hans Zimmer’s booming trombones.

The story is simplicity itself. A series of interlocking wooden realities are poised to achieve great altitude but the oblong necessities of life pattern require the extraction of rectangular solidity with a fluid and speedy motion, obtaining to the balance of the whole and allowing the sum of the parts to remain the same even as each of those parts in terms of truth value shifts defiantly along a vertical to  table axis. It is a story about balance, architecture, restraint and Michael Caine crying.

I have assembled the most wooden cast I could find, including Jude Law, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pine, though the latter is purely for punning purposes. Orlando Bloom is also in talks with us.

I know that some will be disappointed by my decision, having kindly compared me to Stanley Kubrick and perhaps expecting me to take on a subject that is deeper, but I should remind such folk that I am a massive genius with a popular touch; a marvelous director, who can take the juvenile stupidity of Batman and create the high art of a Wagnerian opera cycle. I am committed to rendering the popular ephemera of life magical by cinematic art.

Plus Hasbro are going to pay sickeningly large amounts of money.

Signed

Christopher Nolan

Jenga: The Movie is due for release in 2016.

THE LIAM NEESON DIARIES I

Over the next few weeks The Studio Exec will be publishing exclusive extracts from the long-awaited Liam Neeson diaries due to be published by Faber & Faber in June 2015.

MARCH 1ST 2014

Shot a couple of guys and bought a burrito. They never had any chicken left so I went with the shredded pork.

 

MARCH 3rd 2014

I only shot one guy today but he deserved it. I asked him if he knew a place were I could get some dry cleaning done. He didn’t know. Now he’ll never know.

 

MARCH 7th 2014

I parachuted into Syria and single-handedly defeated a terrorist cell with a butter knife but as I was pulling it out of the ear of the leader, the knife broke. It was my favorite butter knife. The knife I used to butter my daughters toast when she was a little girl and those bastards will pay for breaking it.

 

MARCH 10TH 2014

I met with Martin Scorsese about a part in his next movie. I asked him if he wanted me to play a bent cop, a vicious gangster or a father out for revenge. He said the role was a pacifist Jesuit priest. I told him I’d have to pass and if he offered me a woman’s part again, I’d break his arm in twelve places.

 

MATCH 11th 2014

Tough day. I forgot about what happened to my butter knife and tried to make a sandwich. I had to go out and shoot five guys to take my mind off it but it didn’t work and I was still hungry so I used my credit card to smear the butter onto the bread. It was a dark moment. If I knew how to cry, I would have.

 

MARCH 25TH 2014

I went to see a psychiatrist. He suggested that playing violent characters is turning me into a violent person. I disagreed with extreme prejudice.

 

APRIL 1ST 2014

I haven’t killed anyone in six days.

Ha-Ha. April Fool!

GRUMPY OLD MEN REBOOT: FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – The new re-imagining of the Jack Lemmon/Walter Matthau classic Grumpy Old Men gets its first poster featuring stars Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington.

Famous for their more serious dramatic/action roles in films such as Malcolm X and Taken, Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington both expressed their delight at being involved in the Grumpy Old Men remake.

They spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec.

So what attracted you to the project?

Liam Neeson: We’ve both done remakes in the past. I’ve done The A-Team and Denzel did The Equalizer and…

Denzel Washington: The Taking of Pelham 123.

LN: Right. But we don’t get much opportunity to do comedy. People look at us killing people in our films and they don’t connect that with comedy for some reason.

DW: Cameron Crowe has been trying to get a remake of the film off the ground for years and the script has been circulating. I was looking for something to do with Liam because I’ve admired him as an actor ever since I saw Krull.

LN: For me, I became a big Denzel fan after watching Ricochet. That was one hell of a movie. I pointed at the screen and said ‘I want to do that’.

How did you divide the roles?

DW: Liam was already attached to play John Gufstafson, which was Lemmon’s role. But that was perfect for me because I’ve always seen myself more as a Walter Matthau man. I’ve got the same hangdog looks.  So I took to the role of Max really well.

LN: When I was re-watching the original I noticed that John was kind of a handy man and I thought, I too have a particular set of skills. And so that made my mind up really.

How will the new film differ from the old film?

DW: No one wants to see a carbon copy. What’s the point of that?

LN: Right. In the original, John and Max are both basically bitter old men arguing about the affections of an attractive neighbor Ariel. They spy on each other and try to sabotage each other’s plans.

DW: In our version I’m ex-CIA.

LN: And I’m ex-Secret Service.

DW: And we both love Ariel, playing by Melanie Griffith.

LN: But terrorists have kidnapped her.

DW: We need to forget our differences and team up to kill the terrorists, evade the police commanded (as ever) by Forest Whitaker and save Ariel.

Wow. It doesn’t sound like a funny premise.

LN: Funny? Why on earth would it have to be funny?

Because it’s a comedy.

DW: Comedies don’t have to be funny.

LN: Look at This Means War.

Yes, but...

DW: Or anything with Vince Vaughn in.

LN: He’s made hundreds of comedies and not once have I laughed.

DW: Good point Liam.

LN: Thanks Denzel.

Grumpy Old Men will be in cinemas in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor