DEAN CAIN SUPERMAN RANT IGNORED BY ALL

BREAKING NEWS – Yet another Dean Cain Superman rant has been ignored by everyone. The latest Dean Cain Superman rant came in the wake of the news that Action Comics’ new Superman has a bi-sexual son. As the 90s TV Superman shouted at passers-by about bandwagons while sat on his ‘garden sofa’, his microwave dinner for one pinged in readiness to be devoured in front of Dean’s favorite ‘TV stories’.

Dean Cain Superman Rant Not The First

Cain, who now lives in Topeka, Kansas because ‘those Westboro Baptist folks are just so warm-hearted and Christian-like’ will be found regularly writhing around on a couch on his front lawn. There he yells at anyone who will listen about all manner of subjects from Gays, Lesbians to ‘them there Bi-Sexuals’. There, Dean will happily share a beer with you, as long as ‘you ain’t one of them pinko Democrat fags’. As you sup on his luke-warm Buds, he’ll tell you how he was once Superman.

‘I Was Once Superman… Once’

He’ll tell you how he was better than Christopher Reeve and especially better than ‘that fucking Brandon Routh who broke God’s laws by appearing on that god-damned anti-Christian Will & Grace’. Whereas he just played an alien from a faraway planet with superpowers, which is ‘totally in the Bible and everything’.

Is It A Bird, Is It A Plane? No It’s A Right-Wing Bigot!

If you’re lucky he’ll just fall asleep after a hectic day’s hatin’. Or he’ll go inside to catch up on repeats of Highway To Heaven. If you get him on a bad day, Dean will go and get his old Superman costume. It’s got a real badly worn crotch. He’ll then start zooming around the garden. Just keep your fingers crossed that crotch doesn’t give way yet again, exposing his ‘Little Jimmy Olsen and Lex Luthers’.

Dean Will No Doubt Appear On Fox News Again Shortly

JESSE EISENBERG TO STAY IN JAIL UNTIL MAN OF STEEL 2

HOLLYWOOD – Jesse Eisenberg has been remanded in custody until the making of Man of Steel 2.

Lex Luthor star and short story writer Jesse Eisenberg will stay in jail until the shooting of Man of Steel 2, it was revealed today. Eisenberg has not actually been formally charged with a crime, but Zack Snyder and the executives at Warner Brothers decided that his portrayal of Lex Luthor was so irritating that he deserved to be incarcerated and kept away fromt he general public for their mutual protection. Snyder spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

Jesse is a method actor as I’m sure you know. That annoying shtick he does in practically every movie, that takes tonnes of preparation. I mean he’s never out of character. He’s so committed. Once we were even shooting really late and he was still in character. It was unbelievable. Ben Affleck came up to me and said ‘Is there anyway we can shut him off?’ That got us all thinking. Of course there wasn’t but as we were shooting in chronological order – because of hair issues – and we were shooting in a real prison, once we got him in the cell, we just locked him in and ‘forgot’ to go back for him.

Won’t you be in trouble legally?

Who gives a shit?

Man of Steel 2 won’t even feature Lex Luthor.

MICHAEL CERA IS THE JOKER!

HOLLYWOOD  – Holy Insipid, Batman! Michael Cera is joining Batman Vs. Superman to play the clown prince of crime himself: The Joker.

With the internet still reeling from the Studio Exec exclusive that Facebook inventor Mark Zuckerberg will be Lex Luthor (CLICK HERE for more), now we can confirm that Arrested Development and Scott Pilgrim ‘star’ Michael Cera is to take over from the defunct Heath Ledger as Batman’s arch-nemesis. Cera himself called to give us his first reaction:

Well, it’s rad if you don’t mind me cussing. I’m gonna play my xylophone during the interview if that’s okay? It’s got, I don’t know, a sweet tone. Jason Bateman just said do it.

 Jason Bateman told you to take the role?

No, he told me to play the xylophone. This one as a matter of fact.

Go ahead, so where were you when you got the call?

I was wearing a tweed waistcoat, that’s for sure, possibly a vintage Thundercats t-shirt, I wanna say? Maybe.Do you know how many jokes we got out of that one word in Arrested Development? 31. I counted ’em. Kept a note book, matter of fact.

Given how iconic the late Heath Ledger’s performance was in the seminal Dark Knight movie, do you feel any pressure taking on this role?

I love pop tarts, okay. And I once met Jack Nicholson who once played the role, right? And I said, do you think the Joker would like pop tarts? And do you know what he said to me.

 No.

He said get this f*cking kid out of here. So that was like ‘an answer’.

So you’re not nervous about taking it on?

No, I think I’ve got range. I mean did you see that film when I was like the nice guy and the nasty guy? Youth in Revolt?

No.

No, no one did. That was a problem actually. But I got range. I can play this ukulele, okay? I am so multi-talented. I wrote this song about Mary Elizabeth Winstead. It’s called ‘I’m Gonna Break You in Two’.

The Man of Steel Vs. the Dark Knight Vs the Social network Vs Argo Vs Scott Pilgrim’s Ball Sack by the Pale Moonlight is currently filming in Detroit.