JAMES FRANCO AND ANNE HATHAWAY ARRESTED

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been arrested today under a charge of attempted abduction.

The two Hollywood actors James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been arrested and charged with attempted kidnapped, after they were discovered early this morning hiding outside Chris Rock’s house with rope, duct tape and a large Persian carpet. Suspicion was raised when an off duty police officer observed the Les Miserables star and her Spider-man 3 accomplice crouching in the bushes outside the grounds of Chris Rock’s house in the Hollywood hills. The pair were apprehended and a back up car was called.

Officer Dibble of the LAPD told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I could hear Anne Hathaway singing under her breath as the two were apparently waiting for the lights to go out in the house. She was singing something about there was a time when men were kind, their voices soft their words inviting.

What was Franco doing? 

He was smoking something that later found out was for his glaucoma.

The two actors shot to fame in 2011 when together they hosted the Academy Awards, alternatively known as the Oscars. Mr. Rock is due to host the ceremony himself and has been apprised of the attempt, but it is unclear as to whether or not he will press charges. The police say they are baffled as to the motive as both Hathaway and Franco are rightly regarded as the best Oscar hosts ever.

The Academy Awards will be broadcast on the 28th of February.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO TO PLAY EDDIE REDMAYNE

HOLLYWOOD – News came in today that Leonardo diCaprio is to play Eddie Redmayne in a new biopic of the “Danish Girl” and “Theory of Everything” actor’s life.

It is believed that in a desperate bid to win an Oscar Leonardo DiCaprio is to play fellow actor Eddie Redmayne in a new biopic called simply “Eddie”. The new film that has been written by Mr. DiCaprio will concentrate specifically on Redmayne’s preparation for the role of Stephen Hawking, the astrophysicist who became world famous following the publication of his best-selling book A Brief History of Time.

A source close to the production told the Studio Exec:

Leo is really hot keen on this property. Though like all actors he has occasionally added a line here or there, this is the first film he has actually written from beginning to end. The script is great. He uses the preparation of the role of Stephen Hawking as a framing device and then goes back through Eddie’s upbringing and early career. We see the actor becoming the Oscar worthy legend that he is today. The making of Jupiter Ascending also will be featured as light relief.

Eddie Redmayne first shot to fame with his portrayal of Marilyn Monroe in “My Week with Marilyn” and has also starred in “Les Miserables”, during which he tried to sing. Although his Oscar win came a year after Leonardo DiCaprio failed to win for “The Wolf of Wall Street”, DiCaprio has changed the timeline in the script so that the two go head to head. The Aviator (as he prefers to be known) telephoned the Studio Exec late last night to explain his thinking:

You see what it is is this. I want an Oscar. Goddamn it, I want one. I know, I know it’s only a trinket, but it’s a trinket I don’t have and I want. Redmayne got one by playing Stephen Hawking. So I figure if I play Redmayne playing Stephen Hawking, so in other words doing twice the acting, then legally the Academy have to give me the Oscar. And even if they don’t the final scene of this film is going to be me receiving an Oscar. I’m also going to play me sitting in the audience grimacing. It’s a bit meta but I like the idea.

Eddie will be released in December.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TOM HOOPER

HOLLYWOOD – In an ongoing campaign to drown out the dissonance of stupidity, Studio Exec sings lead vocals of sense and truth, battling a dense cacophony of dumb with a rousing aria of 5 FACTs.

1.      Tom Hooper started his career making a series of porn films called Byker Grove from which all the sex was later removed. The far shorter films were shown on British television and horrified the nation, leading to legislation banning the city of Newcastle from ever being shown on screen again.
2.      While preparing The King’s Speech Hooper insisted on an audience with the Queen to go over various incidents that would be covered in the film. He then insisted on sitting on the Queen’s lap, ‘to see how it felt’. He also changed the race of the main character from German to English because Colin Firth couldn’t do a German accent.
3.      While on a press tour to promote The Damned United, Mr Hooper admitted to never having actually watched a game of football and being unsure what it entailed. It became clear that early in production he had mixed it up with polo and the budget had gone up on account of all the horses he had bought. ‘I sold them to Pete Jackson,’ he boasted, eating a cheese and onion pie (who had them killed).
pere!
4.      In a daring move, Tom decided that the cast of Les Miserables should all sing live during filming. For the most part this worked, but if you listen very carefully to the scenes involving Russell Crowe Tom Hooper’s voice can clearly be heard off camera saying, ‘Oh God make him stop, oh no please, what have I done? Sweet Jesus, no!’
5.      Tom Hooper comes from a famous theatrical family steeped in the traditions of English music hall. However, Tom is ashamed of this and changer his name to Hooper from Cooper in order to avoid the association.  His facial features are also a little bit too small for his head. 

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

LES MISERABLES PREQUEL GREENLIT

PARIS – Following the critical and commercial success of Tom Hooper’s cinematic adaptation of Les Misérables, Working Title Films have announced that they are developing a prequel, tentatively entitled Jean Valjean Begins.

The official synopsis reads:

Valjean and Javert are schoolboys together and best of friends in revolution-racked Paris. They lose touch due to arguments about the best way to sing even the most ordinary of sentences and Javert’s unrequited love for Valjean’s constantly pregnant sister (Renee Zellweger). Years later, when Valjean goes on a madcap bread-stealing spree for his sister’s children, their paths cross again as they pursue each other hilariously through the shit-strewn sewers of Paris.

oh God no!

Tom Hooper has said he is interested in returning, and some of the original cast may also come back, but Hugh Jackman has made it clear that he will not be playing the main role. 

It’s ridiculous. Why would anyone want to make a prequel. I mean, the original is an award-winning musical based on a novel by Victor Hugo; how are you going to compete with that?

 New songs will be provided by Elton John and Tim Rice, including titles which look set to be classics, such as: ‘The Life of a Policeman (is a very jolly thing)’ and ‘Steal me some bread dear brother (Really? What’s the Big Deal?)’.

We will give you all the Jean Valjean Begins news as it arrives.

THE ANNE HATHAWAY DIET BOOK PUBLISHED

HOLLYWOOD – Going head to head with Gwyneth Paltrow, Catwoman actress and Oscar winner Anne Hathaway has published her own diet book Eating Nothing, hoping in this way to deal head on with the nation’s obesity problem. 

‘People often ask me how I managed to look so ravaged in Les Miserables and ravishing in The Dark Knight Rises,’ said the Rachel Getting Married star.  ‘So I thought yeah why not let them in on all my little secrets.’

Mixing anecdotes from the world of glitz and parties with nutritional advice and calorie counting recipes, Eating Nothing provides the aspiring waif with a veritable ‘how to…’ guide to transform your whole body into one slender cheekbone.

Here’s an extract from the Book:

Tuesday:

 
Breakfast

Breakfast: 

Start the day well with some light exercise, perhaps a stroll or turning the pages of a large coffee table book and then treat yourself to a glass of cold water. The preparation is simplicity itself. 


Get a glass from the cupboard (a dishwasher will do but be sure and rinse) then carefully measure out a half pint of water from the tap. Drink and enjoy the filling goodness. 


Lunch:

Lunch


After an active morning shopping or reading magazines or playing with cats or just thinking about stuff, you’re going to need a nourishing meal and this light lunch is perfect for the taste buds and won’t be a weight on your mind, or your hips. 


Simply pour a glass of water, about a third of a pint, and then add an ice cube. Be sure and let the ice cube melt completely before tucking in to this healthy meal. 


Dinner:


An evening meal is often a social occasion and a time to reward yourself for a day spent acting your heart out or winning awards. Variety is also important because many of us will abandon a diet if it becomes too boring or restrictive. Therefore enjoy this wonderful feast which is calorie light and easy to prepare! 


Pour half a pint of water in a bowl and put it into a microwave for about eight or nine minutes on full power. When you remove it, serve with a towel. Remember a bowl of hot steam is also perfect for winter evenings.


Dinner


Eating Nothing is available from all good book stores.

Les Misérables: REVIEW














It takes a minute before you realise they are going to be singing the whole way through and you consider faking a heart attack so you’ll be spirited away from the auditorium by a kindly paramedic. By the time you’ve reached for your chest you’ve been sucked in by Jackman’s prowess and when Hathaway sings ‘I have a dream’; which is easily one of the most majestic performances in living memory. Your spine is tingling and you’re sucking on your Coca Cola sobbing like a peasant girl on her plague riddled mothers teat. Sure Russell Crowe looks like a human teddy bear and he’s about as evil as a pocketful of rainbows but still you’re lapping it up and begging for more. 

Then it all goes horribly wrong. There’s a love story between a bunch of people you don’t care about who like shooting soldiers behind cardboard. You cry “ More Jean Valjean, more Jean Valjean!” but your pleas fall on deaf ears. You try and plough through it but the constant assault of tedious songs forces your body to slip into a self-induced coma in order to protect itself. By the time the usher arouses you with smelling salts it’s all got so preposterous you just wish Jackman would strip of his shirt and run towards the army slashing them to pieces with his adamantium claws. 

It all looks great. It’s well directed, well shot, well acted and Jackman and Hathaway are colossal but if a turd is covered in chocolate, It’s still a turd and unfortunately halfway through the story disintegrates into mush. 


SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS LES MISERABLES


HOLLYWOOD – Resident inebriate and charmer, Sir Edwin Fluffer gives us a fascinating insight into the making of the years most popular films.
The director Tom Hooper owed me a favour after I had to drop out of The Queen’s Speech for legal reasons, so when the call came I made sure I was first on set. Unfortunately I got the day wrong and was there a week early. When I went back again they were already half way through shooting, so we felt it best if I took a step back and lent some of my credibility to the crowd scenes. 
I was overjoyed to see dear old Russell Crowe again: we still laugh about him getting me fired from Gladiator for refusing to wear the sandals. Les Mis was an absolute joy to work on, and after a few takes I couldn’t help joining in with some of the songs. If I can’t get another Oscar for this one I’d be more than happy to accept a Bafta, or if push comes to shove even a Golden Globe.

LES MISERABLES AUDIENCE HORRIFIED BY DOUBLE PENETRATION

Lessy Miss. R Balls

LONDON – A special preview audience of the Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway musical Les Miserables were horrified ‘to their ass hairs’ – as one patron put it – by a hardcore sex scene that was not so much in your face as in their faces. It was soon revealed that the film was actually a hardcore porn film called Lessy Miss. R. Balls.

The incidents follows a similar one in the UK, England, where a cinema full of children, instead of being treated to the horrors of Madagascar 3 had to contend with the comedy of Paranormal Activity 4. In both cases, the cinemas have claimed that a simple glitch was responsible for the mix up. However, a source from deep within the industry – Yankel Mayer – told Studio Exec exclusively that the mix ups were the beginning of a wide spread campaign on behalf of a break off fraction of radical Godardian projectionists who had ‘watched Fight Club once too often.’

‘You’re going to see a lot more hard core and a lot more children’s films being swapped with torture porn,’ said Yankel, salivating at the thought. 
Many patrons complained after having been forced to sit through 90 minutes of orgies and hot sex. Ironically however the studio reported that the score cards were ‘the best we’ve had yet, especially for Huge Jackman’s performance.’