MARK WAHLBERG HALLOW APP BOUGHT BY AMAZON

BREAKING NEWS – Bezo’s bookstore bankrupting company, Amazon have purchased the Mark Wahlberg Hallow app from the Catholic Church for an undisclosed sum. The Christian based app will now come as an additional perk for those who have Amazon Prime membership. Soon Prime subscribers will be able to pray online for Mark Wahlberg’s numerous racially aggravated assaults to be forgiven. We caught up with the hard hitting, hard praying star for his feelings on this acquisition.

 

How Do You Feel About the Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Being Bought By Amazon?

I’m so buzzed for it man, praise the lord. I’ve seen the light, and the color of that light is green. All the way to the bank baby, praise be. I want everyone to drop to their knees, like good god fearing, penitent consumers and download the mother fuck out that app. Then get praying for my forgiveness for those trivial little racially charged beatings I dished out. Only 99cents per pray. Can I get an amen?

Do You Not Feel Monetizing People’s Faith Is Cynical?

The Vatican literally has a bank, you dumb mother fucker. If the church just gave up all its wealth to help the poor, needy and starving, what would happen to the holy bankers? What would happen to the ordained actuaries and the reverend risk managers? I think you’ve been hitting the blood of Christ a bit hard. You know what I’m saying?

Do You Ever Think This Might Harm Your Acting Career?

Let’s face facts man. I was in a Martin Scorsese Best Picture Oscar winner with The Departed. I told Martin Sheen, Leonardo DiCaprio AND Matt Damon to go fuck themselves. And you know what, I was ok in it. It aint ever gonna get better than that. I know what I am and I know I peaked back then. And I peaked the fuck out of it baby. So I’ll make this slushy religious garbage because those suckers can’t invest their god-given money quick enough.

The Mark Wahlberg Hallow App Is Available To Download

LEONARDO DICAPRIO COLONOSCOPY NFT FLOP

HOLLYWOOD – As news breaks of the Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT prices flopping, it has led many to speculate the bottom has fallen out of the market. The auction held at Christie’s of the Leonardo DiCaprio colonoscopy NFTs was expected to fetch exorbitant prices. But even the most revealing shots went for only ‘a couple of bucks a piece’ according to a Christie’s spokesperson.

Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT Going Cheap

Auction goers were shocked to see hardly any interest in the NFTs of the Inception and Titanic star. An insider told The Exec, ‘It was meant to be a chance for DiCaprio’s fans the world around to get to know him inside out. In an ideal world, he would want all his young fans to know him this well personally. But there’s only so much of Leo to go around. That’s why we were so shocked when nobody paid through the ass for his ass.’

WTF Is A NFT?

For those of you who are behind with the times or just too poor to care and have actual problems to deal with, NFT stands for Non-Fungible Token. It pretty much means it’s a unique piece of digital macguffinary, a whodgiemaflip and flibberty-gibbert. It’s temporarily better than a Bitcoin because trust fund idiots will pay a great deal more for them. Or at least they did until now.

DiCaprio’s Ass Bubble Digitally Bursts

With DiCaprio’s colonoscopy NFTs failing to raise any interest and more importantly, money for the star, many are speculating this digital bubble has burst. Like Bitcoins, Celebrity Nudes and Tamagotchis, these once treasured digital phenomena have been consigned to the tech scrapheap. Nobody gives a digital shit anymore.

Return Of DiCap

But this latest setback isn’t deterring Hollywood from trying to squeeze every last digital dime out of us salivating canine consumers yet. DiCaprio’s people have just announced a new line of HFTs – Highly-Fungible Tokens. These will be pieces of digital art you and your billionaire buddies will be able to buy, at a premium, of course. They will then only exist for a very short time before they self-destruct. And cue the Lalo Schifrin Mission Impossible theme.

DiCaprio’s HFTs Will Be Available Online Shortly

LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S NEXT MOVIE WILL BE ALL MEMES

HOLLYWOOD – For his next movie, Leonardo DiCaprio promises memes, memes and more memes.

As we sat down to talk about his next movie project, Leonardo DiCaprio had one thought on his mind: memes. He told me:

I used to get annoyed. I’d spend all my time getting into a role, learning the script, nailing the character. And once it was over, it would all just end up as a stupid gif or meme or whatever on the internet. At first I wasn’t even aware of it. I mean I have a twitter account and all that but I let someone else take care of it. All I do is tell them to put something up about the climate or oceans now and then.

So when did you find out?

Last year, I was bored and we were waiting for Brad to come out of the salon. He was getting a Brazilian I think. Not a model. I mean the crotch shave thing. So I start looking through twitter and what do you know. If I’m not raising a glass as Gatsby I’m raising it as Calvin Candie.  Or I’m the Wolf of Wall Street throwing money around or dancing or something. I thought that film was one of the best things I’d done and there I was reduced to a couple of seconds of silliness to help Deidre69 express her delight at going out on a Saturday night.

So from this to a movie?

Absolutely. If I can’t beat them, I’ve got to join them. The movie is going to be divided into 3000 20 second moments. Some might be a little longer, some a little shorter. Each one of which will express an emotion that you can easily share. Delight, surprise, smug agreement, the feeling you get while you watch your favorite dog drown and you want to save him but gee the water looks cold and you’re wearing suede.

That’s quite specific. 

That’s the beauty of it. They’re all really specific. And the good news is I’m teaming up with Kate Winslet so I can paint her like one of my French girls.

Meme The Motion Picture will be available in 2021.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO ARRESTED FOR PROSTITUTION

HOLLYWOOD – Police arrest Django Unchained star Leonardo DiCaprio on suspicion of being a prostitute.

The film star and owner of one of the world’s five oceans Leonardo DiCaprio was sitting in a parked car kissing a lady friend. But then police officers spotted him and arrested him. The arresting officer said that the arrest showed solid police work:
We didn’t know it was big movie star Leonardo DiCaprio at the time, but when we realized we were doubly pleased we had got him. DiCaprio has been a menace. This is a family neighborhood and Mr. DiCaprio has been seen more than once standing on the street corner and soliciting passing cars, wearing provocative clothes and even making obscene gestures and invitations in a curvy language which leaves very little to the imagination. One would think he earned enough money from all those flicks he’s made.
A lawyer for the star however pleaded mitigating circumstances:
Ever since What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? Mr. DiCaprio has been very honest about his proclivities. This is a case of victimization of a sick man by a police force eager to grab headlines and distract people from its more unsavory reputation. My client is seeking counselling but would also like to point out in terms of his economic position – which on the surface would seem to preclude such sex-barter – that since buying an ocean he has been a bit strapped for cash.
Other Hollywood male prostitutes were quick to leap to DiCaprio’s defense. John Cusack said:
People see us and they think, we’re white, we’re rich, what are we doing? But they don’t understand how hard it can be to make a living in this town. And frankly if the choice is turning tricks or making Hot Tub Time Machine 2, I know which of them is the less degrading option.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is available.

LEONARDAO DICAPRIO TO PLAY SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio has confirmed that he will be starring as Spider-Man in the next Spider-Man film.

The amazing webslinger is back! But despite rave reviews and commercial success, Tom Holland has got the boot and been replaced by Mr. Revenant himself: Leonardo diCaprio. The former Romeo came over to the Studio Exec bungalow to chew the fat. I asked what the hell?

Look, people started saying I could be the Joker. Sure, I could do that. But I really want to be Spider-Man. Marty will direct.

Scorsese wants to do a Spider-Man movie?

He will if he wants to see his cat again.

You kidnapped Martin Scorsese’s cat?

Are you kidding me? How else do you explain The Aviator? You think Marty wanted to make that movie.

So what will your take be on Spider-Man?

I’ve loved Spider-Man ever since I was a kid. I grew up with all those comic books. I’m such a nerd.

But isn’t Peter Parker a little young for you to play?

Who’s Peter Parker? Jesus Christ, Exec. Keep up. Spi-der-ma-n.

The Amazing Spider-Man’s Homecoming will be released in 2020.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO BUYS MOON

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo DiCaprio has bought the Moon.

Departed and Revenant star Leonardo DiCaprio bought the Moon yesterday.

In a statement issued by DiCaprio’s agent, the actor declared the following:

As a lifelong conservationist, I have watched with despair as the natural beauties of our planet have been despoiled by corporations and individuals. The new Trump administration is only the latest in a long line of politicians who have preferred to put short term political goals before the survival of other species and the eco-system.

As a consequence, I have decided to buy the Moon. I have sole property rights now and will be going there to live in the next decade or so. And no one else is going to be invited. You can all fuck off. I’m going to have a moon base and a very powerful telescope so I can watch the rest of you assholes drowning in the rising oceans, or fighting bloody wars over shrinking resources. I might let Jim Cameron visit. He says he wants to visit the Sea of Tranquility. The asshole thinks it’s an actual sea.

God, he’s dumb.

NASA have said that they sold DiCaprio the Moon last Tuesday by accident, when one of their employees put it on eBay.

Leonardo DiCaprio will next appear in Space 1999: The Motion Picture.

AMY ADAMS’ TOP FIVE TOOTHBRUSHES

HOLLYWOOD – Amy Adams – the versatile Hollywood actress of Arrival, The Master, Man of Steel and American Hustle – came into the Studio Exec office to give us her top 5 toothbrushes of 2016.

Amy Adams! Toothbrushes! Go!

1 The Colgate Extra Clean Toothbrush is the Amazon no. 1 bestselling toothbrush. With a thin, flexible easy grip and a good head, the stern bristles ensure that every tooth gets a thorough clean. The thing which stands out for me though is the cleaning tip, which is particularly good at getting spinach out from between your teeth.

2 Mila Kunis once told me the most important part of your smile is your gums. And the Oral-B Pro-Health Clinical Pro-Flex medium Toothbrush is the toothbrush for you. Two flexing sides gives the discerning mouth a powerful working over. Your gums will shine like Jessica Chastain.

3 When working with the late great Philip Seymour Hoffman we would often speak about acting. He said it all began with the teeth. The Dr. Collings Perio Toothbrush gives a flossing effect that Philip would have loved, penetrating with its innovative tapered filaments even between the most stubborn molars.

4 Directors Paul Thomas Anderson and Denis Villeneuve have radically different styles but one thing they have in common is their adoration of the GUM Technique Deep Clean Toothbrush. The 45-degree angle ensures thorough cleaning without irritation.

5 The Nimbus Microfine Toothbrush has a whitening effect and is cheep. I once saw Leonardo diCaprio stick it up his ass, but that’s another story.

For more of Amy Adams’ Top 5 advice Click Here

REVENANT PREQUEL: FIRST IMAGE

HOLLYWOOD – The first image from the highly anticipated prequel to Alejandro Inarritu’s The Revenant hit the internet today.

Alejandro Inarritu’s The Revenant was a huge hit with audiences and critics last year and won Leonardo diCaprio a belated Oscar nod. Now the prequel has begun shooting and today the Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal the first shot from the production.

The film will chart Hugo Glass’ life as a child in the wilds of frontier land America. His friendship with the native first nation peoples and his immersion in the wildlife and particularly his friendship with old Ben, a beautiful friendly Grisly Bear.

Inarritu spoke on the telephone to the Exec:

I felt we had done something of a disservvice to nature in our film. We showed an unrelentingly harsh environment and I wanted to re-balance that a little. Also here with Hugo’s friendship foregrounded I think people will see the first film in a sharper more tragic light.

The Revenant: Bear With Me will be released in 2018.

MARTIN SCORSESE SELLS DICAPRIO WHISTLE

NEW YORK – Martin Scorsese is to sell his special Leonardo diCaprio whistle at auction later this week.

Shutter Island and Wolf of Wall Street director Martin Scorsese is to sell the magical Leonardo diCaprio whistle at auction.ss57_specialty_whistle

Speaking to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, earlier this week, the Color of Money director and wearer of the best eyebrows in New York had this to say:

The magic Leonardo diCaprio whistle was forged in the fires of a volcano and when blown can only be heard by Leo. Whatever he is doing he must drop and immediately come at the magical summons. I first used it to get him to come to the casting of Gangs of New York and then after that, whenever I wanted to put him in another film I’d just take the whistle out and blow as hard as I could. Admittedly it took him a while to respond when I wanted him to do the Aviator. But ultimately it doesn’t matter what he wants. The whistle commands.

So why give it up?

I’ve used it a good few times and the magic begins to wear off if you abuse it.

It is understood that the bidders will include Ridley Scott, Steven Soderbergh, Goldie Hawn and David Fincher as well as former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg.

The auction will take place at Christies New York.

CONTROVERSIAL AMUSEMENT PARK REVENANT LAND TO GO ONLINE NEXT MONTH

HOLLYWOOD – The Revenant Land is to open its gates next month, backers have announced, despite criticisms from safety activists.

The amusement park Revenant Land is due to do online next month and is hoping to attract thousands of visitors. The park designed by the late Michael Crighton will include attractions such as the Waterfall Pounding, Fingers and Toes, Brokeback Mountains, the Pruddy Mouth, the Bear Mauling and Squeal Like a Pig. Water rides called the 6 Waterfalls will compete with the 4D attraction ‘Sleeping Inside a Dead Horse Naked’ while a variety of themed restaurants will offer uncooked fish dinners, rotting buffalo snacks and handfuls of frozen soil for refreshment.

The opening however has not been welcomed in all quarters and some safety experts are warning that the park does not meet the highest standards when it comes to guest safety.

Xavier Poulis of the French Cultural magazine Chapeau reports:

Alejandro Inarritu is to open his second amusement park although many do not know about the first. The original Amusement Park – Amores Perros – was built outside Mexico City and featured a series of attractions all of which involved being attacked by vicious dogs. Ultimately, the injuries and deaths contributed to Inarritu’s fleeing of the country and arrival in Hollywood.

Inarritu however said that the park will be a fitting memorial to Michael Crighton and when asked about the dangers of the attractions escaping and killing the guests, he laughed loudly and for several minutes was unable to speak.

‘Don’t worry,’ he told the Studio Exec. ‘The cameras will be ready to roll.’

The Revenant Land will open in July, 2017.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S NEXT FILM IS GOING TO BE EVEN MORE HARDCORE

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio is to follow up his Oscar winning role in The Revenant with his most physically demanding role yet.

The Revenant featured ice cold river dips, bear attacks, post-mortem horse saunas and sub-zero temperatures, but word has it that Leonardo diCaprio’s new role is even more hardcore. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Leonardo diCaprio spoke about just how far he is willing to go in the pursuit of that difficult second Oscar that has so far eluded him for his entire career:

It’s crazy when Martin Scorsese sent me over the script, I really didn’t want to know about it. I wasn’t ready physically or mentally to take on anything, but when Marty calls you have to at least answer, so I sat down and read the script.

So it’s pretty hardcore?

Oh, I’ll say. I play a middle aged man. I work in advertising in the city. I’m happily married and I have two young kids.

Okay and so what happens? Terrorists attack? There’s an earthquake? You go on holiday to Europe?

No. What happens is everything is okay and we’re all really happy and then one night I have to go to the bathroom – that is my character Ralph has to, but you can see I’m already neck deep in preparation. Anyway, he doesn’t put his slippers on, it’s June so it isn’t cold and as he walks across the hall he steps on a piece of Lego with his bare feet.

Jesus Christ!

I know.

How are you going to film that?

Well at first we thought of CGI and then there was this idea of using a squishy piece of Lego so it wouldn’t hurt, but in the end we’re just going to have to go method on the motherf*cker.

What pushes you to such limits of realism? You’re a famous movie star; you have your Oscar. Why do it?

I’m committed to my craft what can I say. The scene is the central moment of the whole piece and so I feel that it would be to rob the audience of the genuine heart of thwe story if we resorted to trickery.

The Man Who Stepped On Lego Piece in His Bare Feet in the Middle of the Night starts filming in June.

TWELVE CGI HORSES KILLED IN MAKING OF NEW BEN-HUR

HOLLYWOOD – Animal rights groups were today protesting after it was revealed that twelve CGI horses were killed during the filming of the chariot race for the new Ben-Hur movie.

When the new trailer for Ben-Hur dropped earlier this week, many were impressed by the chariot race footage which featured, leading many to bin their old copies of the Charlton Heston version. However, new began to leak from the production that twelve CGI horses had been killed during the making of the fast paced sequence. One source close to the film told the Studio Exec:

It was terrible. Of course we had sequences with live actors and real horses but the most dangerous stuff was left to the CGI horses and it was here that the toll was enormous. I saw ten horses killed with my own eyes during the chariot race and I heard that two others were later deleted after they were found to be lame.

Timur Bekmambetov, the film’s director, responded brusquely to the accusations:

Listen, I’m making a film and I want it to be fantastic. I don’t care who gets hurt or what gets killed. The scene in the trailer with the guy strapped to the prow of the ship that rams the other ship – that CGI guy died every time we did a take and I insisted on fifteen takes. And you talk to me of horses? Pffffffttttoooo.

The CGI animal rights group – CGIARG – are calling on people to boycott the movie. CIARG recently came to prominence after they threw CGI blood on Leonardo DiCaprio at an Oscar after party to protest the treatment of CGI bears and horses in The Revenant.

Ben-Hur will be released in August, 2016.

SYRIAN REFUGEES CELEBRATE LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S OSCAR WIN

GREECE – Syrian refugees have joined together and celebrated Leonardo diCaprio’s best actor win at last night’s Oscars, saying that it was long over due.

They haven’t had much to celebrate since fleeing the civil war in Syria but today all that was briefly forgotten as refugees organised impromptu parties to celebrate Leonardo diCaprio’s Oscar win at the Academy Awards last night.

A spokesperson for the Syrian refugees talked to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have suffered hardship beyond belief. Many of us have seen our homes destroyed, our families torn apart. We have crossed winter seas and we have risked everything only to arrive in a Europe which is turning against us. However, all of that is put in perspective when we consider that Leo diCaprio had to wait all this time until he was 41 before getting his hands on the Oscar. There were some among the refugees who believe that The Revenant wasn’t even that great a movie and that Leo should have won for The Wolf of Wall Street. I loved Shutter Island personally, but all the same. This makes everything right.

Isis have since issued a statement saying they wanted Eddie Redmayne to win, thus proving that they are once more beyond the pale.

Tomorrow these people will once more face an uncertain future, but tonight they are united in celebrating for a cause that is bigger than all their problems put together.

OSCARS 2016: WHO SHOULD WIN; WHO WILL WIN

HOLLYWOOD – The Oscars are almost Oscaring in the Oscars Hotel in Oscarsland, Hollywood.

But who should win the Oscars 2016 – alternatively known as the Academy Awards of OSCARS – ? Here the Studio Exec tells you his predictions for who should win and tells you who will win.

Best Picture

Who Should Win: Mad Max Fury Road

Who Will Win: Mad Max Fury Road

Best Director 

Who Should Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Who Will Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Best Actor

Who Should Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Who Will Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Best Actress

Who Should Win: Brie Larson – Room

Who Will Win: Brie Larson

Best Supporting Actor

Who Should Win: Sylvester Stallone – Creed

Who Will Win: Sylvester Stallone

Best Supporting Actress

Who Should Win: Jennifer Jason Leigh

Who Will Win: Jennifer Jason Leigh

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who Should Win: Room

Who Will Win: Room

Best Original Screenplay

Who Should Win: Ex Machina

Who Will Win: Ex Machina

Best Animated Feature

Who Should Win: Anomalisa

Who Will Win: Anomalisa

Best Foreign Feature

Who Should Win: Son of Saul

Who Will Win: Son of Saul

Best Documentary Feature

Who Should Win: Amy

Who Will Win: Amy

Best Cinematography

Who Should Win: Roger Deakins – Sicario

Who Will Win: Roger Deakins – Sicario

Best Music

Who Should Win: Ennio Morricone

Who Will Win: Ennio Morricone

Costume Design

Don’t give a shit

Film Editing

What?

Make up and Hair Design

Pffffffffft.

Production Design

Yes.

Sounding editing, Visual Effects, Animated Short, Documentary Short, Short Short

Nope.

For more Oscars Click HERE.