QUENTIN TARANTINO TAPPED TO DIRECT DOWNTON ABBEY

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino’s tenth and final film will be a big screen version of period television drama Downton Abbey.

Julian Fellowes confirmed to day that Quentin Tarantino has agreed to direct Downton Abbey: The Motion Picture. Speaking with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, he had this to say:

I think Quentin is a natural choice. Dialogue is important and so is a feel for period and dear Quentin has it in spades. Of course, he does want to rewrite the script a tittle but I dare say the changes will be consistent with the spirit of the show.

Tarantino is currently shooting Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, but is understood to already be working on the new film. A source close tot he director – Michael Madsen – told the Exec:

Quentin has always been a huge fan of the series. We’d always go round to his place and he’d show the show on 35mm, because he’d actually film it on his TV with a movie camera and then scratch the negative and then watch it. That’s how committed he is to the cinematic experience. What appeals to him is this closed world of a class system and all this underlying tension and violence. I can see myself playing Carson quite easily and I know that Uma Thurman is keen to play Lady Mary.

But what about the original cast?

Maggie Smith will be back. Of that I’m sure but Quentin likes using his people. Tim Roth will probably be a footman and Leonardo di Caprio will play Lord Crawley. That’s nailed on.

Will there be some violence?

People get this idea of Quentin as only doing violence. I think that’s not fair on the guy. He’s capable of a lot more. But yeah there’ll be some Mexican stand offs and some brutal gore.

Downton Abbey: The Final Showdown starts filming this Fall.

FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here

THE STUDIO EXEC OSCAR PREDICTIONS 100 PERCENT EXACT

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday we made our Oscar predictions and today we triumph in our 100 percent success rate.

The Oscars 2016 – alternatively known as the Academy Awards of OSCARS – are over and the Studio Exec having made his predictions (click here for that) has seen them confirmed 100%.

Here if anyone is still interested is

Best Picture

Who we predicted to Win: Spotlight

Who Did Win: Spotlight

Best Director 

Who we predicted to Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Who Did Win: Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Best Actor

Who we predicted to Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Who Did Win: Leonardo diCaprio

Best Actress

Who we predicted to Win: Brie Larson – Room

Who Did Win: Brie Larson

Best Supporting Actor

Who we predicted to Win: Mark Rylance – Bridge of Spies

Who Did Win: Mark Rylance

Best Supporting Actress

Who we predicted to Win: Alicia Vikander – The Danish Girl

Who Did Win: Alicia Vikander

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who we predicted to Win: The Big Short

Who Did Win: The Big Short

Best Original Screenplay

Who we predicted to Win: Spotlight

Who Did Win: Spotlight

Best Animated Feature

Who we predicted to Win: Inside Out

Who Did Win: Inside Out

Best Foreign Feature

Who we predicted to Win: Son of Saul

Who Did Win: Son of Saul

Best Documentary Feature

Who we predicted to Win: Amy

Who Did Win: Amy

Best Cinematography

Who we predicted to Win: Emmanuel Lubezki – The Revenant

Who Did Win: Emmanuel Lubezki

Best Music

Who we predicted to Win: Ennio Morricone

Who Did Win: Ennio Morricone

Costume Design

Don’t give a shit

Film Editing

What?

Make up and Hair Design

Pffffffffft.

Production Design

Yes.

Sounding editing, Visual Effects, Animated Short, Documentary Short, Short Short

Nope. Mad Max Fury Road. I think. I don’t know.

For more Oscars Click HERE.

MARTIN SCORSESE PREPARES SEPP BLATTER PIC

HOLLYWOOD – Embattled FIFA President Sepp Blatter is to be the subject of Martin Scorsese’s new movie Badfellas.

The eyebrow rich director spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about the project:

I’ve always been fascinated by morally corrupt individuals. Gangsters like Henry Hill, megalomaniacs like Howard Hughes or Jordan Belfort, religious figures like Jesus Christ or the Dalai Llama. So it really is no surprise that I should be drawn to the FIFA President who manages to get himself re-elected President, the week that his organisation has become an internationally famous byword for corruption, kickbacks and sleaze! It’s truly phenomenal.

Who will play him?

Harvey Keitel has been looking at the role for years, but Harvey is a bit long in the tooth. Leonardo diCaprio would be perfect but after spending so much time researching the Wolf of Wall Street I don’t think he could do another film about this amount of excess again. In the end I think we’re going to have to go with Sepp Blatter.

He’ll play himself?

Absolutely. I mean this man has balls of brass. He just doesn’t give a shit.

Badfellas will be released shortly after Blatter is arrested.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

COUNTDOWN TO 2016 OSCARS BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – The 2015 Academy Awards are over, but now the race is on for the 2016 Oscars and the Studio Exec has its FACT squad standing by.

1. Michael Keaton will receive a nomination for Batman 4. Admittedly, there have been other Batmans and we’re not sure how the numbers add up, but the title will be an obvious homage to the Birdman 4 film that Riggan refused to countenance in Birdman.

2. In an ill-advised attempt to win over Twitter, John Travolta will host the Oscars, ensuring a Lovecraftian vibe with fellow Thetans as guest hosts and everyone else soon becoming ‘hosts’ of another kind when the psychotropic light show renders them all brain slaves ready to enter the Hubbard ship.

3. Star Wars: The Force Awakens and The Hateful Eight will be vying for the top spot as well as Leonardo di Caprio in The Revenant and Ron Howard’s In the something of the Sea. As the Academy has proven itself hopelessly poor at the nominating process, cage fights will take the place of ballots and nominees will be eliminated in a series of televised rounds.

4. In an ill-advised attempt to show that basically us show business types are color blind everyone will attend the ceremony in black face. For black guests this will be of course optional. Ridley Scott will be in charge with a spray gun for the forgetful.

5. The women will wear clothes and the men will in a break with tradition  also wear clothes. They will be of different colors and materials, and styles and there will be names attached to them. Anyone who cares about this will later be rounded up, come the revolution.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!

HILL STREET BLUES: THE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – The most popular Eighties cop show Steven Bochco’s Hill Street Blues is finally getting a film version, courtesy of Martin Scorsese.

The new film version will star Robert de Niro as Captain Frank Furillo, Daniel Day Lewis as Captain Belker and Catherine Zeta Jones as Joyce Davenport. Leonardo di Caprio will play Lt. Howard Hunter. Scorsese spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

For years I’ve been trying to make an epic of police vs. criminals film and I’ve done my best with Mean Streets, Goodfellas and Casino, but I’ve never really got there. I mean if you look at my career, you would have to say it is a complete and utter failure. The Hill Street Blues was always my inspiration. And now I have the chance to really do a proper thing and not that shitness which was Boardwalk Empire.

The story – set in West Chica-Brooklyn-go, LA – features a whole sequences of crime stories and private lives that will be intertwined and resolved in the space of 90 minutes.The story features an undercover operation that has gone wrong and will basically be The Departed but with a retro feel and a whole plethora of English actors will use their best generic American accents.

Hill Street Blues: Let’s Do it to Them Before They Do it to Us will be released in 2016.

RYAN GOSLING TO PLAY THE MILLENNIUM FALCON

HOLLYWOOD – According to Latino Review housewives’ favourite Ryan Gosling has signed up to play the Millennium Falcon in Star Wars VII.

“He wanted to play Luke Skywalker’s son but he was a little stiff in the audition,” said an anonymous insider:

J.J. Abrams offered him the role of The Death Star but he was worried about bulking up for the role. The last time he put on weight was when he was fired from The Lovely Bones for being too fat and was replaced by Mark Wahlberg. He’s still wounded by the experience and who wouldn’t be?. Imagine being replaced by Mark f*cking Wahlberg! I’m still amazed Ryan didn’t blow his own brains out.

Gosling eventually convinced Abram’s he could play the Falcon by sending the director a short film he’d made himself:

It’s quite a piece of work. Ryan is naked in a black room with plastic stars on the walls and crudely drawn planets and constellations. It looks like he has something on his back and when the camera moves in for a close up you see he’s taped miniature Star Wars figures onto himself. For the next three hours he runs around the room pretending to be an aeroplane. It’s crazy but J.J. saw something in it he liked.

The casting of Gosling is welcome news for the production which has suffered a series of disappointments lately. Bradley Cooper had to decline the part of a Landspeeder due to scheduling differences and Leonardo DiCaprio injured his groin rehearsing for his role as an AT-AT Walker.

Star Wars VII is due for release in 2015

JAMES CAMERON PREPS TITANICS

HOLLYWOOD – During an AMA on Reddit James Cameron, genius submarine driver, revealed that he is working on a spin off from his Oscar busting commercial success Titanic.

The Abyss director and ‘King of the World’ (TM James Cameron)  declared:

The new film will be a prequel – naturally – and will be based entirely on Billy Zane’s character. I don’t think a day has gone by without someone saying to me: ‘but what about Caledon ‘Cal’ Hockley? What was his life like following the Titanic disaster and maybe even before?’ So we decided to answer those questions.

The Terminator 2: Day of Judgement brain face continued:

 My idea was very simple. What if Cal was struck by huge remorse at having betrayed his notion of honor and escaped the sinking ship. He’s made a vast fortune and although we might have given away something in the script about him killing himself, he actually fakes his death so he can use the money he’s squirreled away to build two brand new Titanics. That’s the title by the way. I always come up with the title first and then try to fit the story into the title and that’s often a challenge. Anyhow unbeknownst to Cal, on the maiden voyages of the Titanics, the Atlantic Ocean has something in store for them – two icebergs – which the arrogant captains are rushing towards believing (mistakenly) that their ships are unsinkables.

Internet speculation has been explosive as to whether Cameron is serious or whether he is telling True Lies.

Titanics will be released in 2031. 

KUNG FU REMAKE

MELBOURNE – Moulin Rouge and Great Gatsby director Baz Luhrmann – everyone’s favorite subtlist – is set to direct the Kung Fu remake.

The original series ran from 1972 to 1975 and starred David Carradine as the wandering Caine (AKA Grasshopper), who wanders the West dispensing Eastern justice and searching for his long lost half brother.  The current script is by Black Swan writer John McLaughlin but according to a source close to Mr. Luhrmann ‘doesn’t feature enough dancing’.
Legendary Pictures, who are developing the project, have already stated that the action of the film version will be moved to China ‘for purposes of money authenticity’. An insider told us:

Luhrmann is a perfect fit. He is kinetic and vibrant and let’s face it he’s rubbish when it comes to drama. This kind of kitschy stuff is more up his alley.

Jason Statham and Leonardo di Caprio have already expressed interest in the role, but it is understood that Jonah Hill is currently Luhrmann’s preferred choice.   

Kung Fu remake will be released in 2017.

URGENT APPEAL: LEONARDO DICAPRIO RELIEF FUND


Tonight, while you sit in the comfort of your homes with your families; 

Tonight, while you eat dinner in the warmth of affectionate laughter; 
And later tonight, while you sleep in your beds, safe and sound; 
Please remember:

Leonardo di Caprio is not happy.


Just a small monthly offer can help keep Leo in Brazilian supermodels and high grade pharmaceutical product. 

Please give generously to The Leonardo di Caprio Relief Fund

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET: REVIEW

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET: REVIEW – Jay Gatsby hangs out with that fat f*ck from Superbad and show what it’d be like if Hunter S. Thompson had been a c*cksucker of a millionaire stockbroker. The ensuing mayhem makes for one of the most f*cked up and entertaining 3 hour epics about financial misdealings since … well f*cking ever. 

After American Hustle and David O. Russell doing a Scorsese, it’s like Scorsese has gone ‘Oh Yeah? Really!? This is Scorsese motherf*cker!’ Telling the true story of Jordan Belfort and written by Mad Men creator Terrence Winter, The Wolf of Wall Street stands beside Scorsese’s earlier gangland dramas as the white collar crime end of a trilogy. If Goodfellas and Casino have darker tones, this latest chapter shows the criminal American Dream tragedy playing out as a hilarious hopeless farce. 

Leonardo DiCaprio lets rip – channeling a young Jack Nicholson – in a performance of Gargantuan proportions, and for once the Rabelaisian adjective is truly fitting. This is dark excess fueled satire and DiCaprio’s first person narrator is a fitting companion to Henry Hill, with shades of Alex deLarge and Patrick Bateman to boot. Scorsese/Winter/DiCaprio are careful never to temper the material nor moralize to the audience. This has led stupidly to claims the film is immoral. F*ck no. Belfort is selling us his story all the way through the film and the fact he’s so good at it is essential to us understanding how dangerous he is and how complicit we are as a society.  

Jonah Hill, Margot Robbie, Kyle Chandler and Matthew McConaughey are all fantastic and Rob Reiner robs blind ever scene he’s in as Jordan’s temperamental father (compare and contrast with sanctimonious Martin Sheen in Wall Street). The music is spot on and Scorsese keeps the story moving at his frenetic best, but be warned, this is a pitiless portrait of cynicism taken on his own terms. If you don’t have your wits about you, he’ll sell you the dream and take you for everything you’ve f*cking got.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ROBERT DE NIRO (PART ONE)

NEW YORK – Robert De Niro is 70 years old today. But how much do you know about him? That’s right! Nothing.

You know nothing. NOTHING! So sit down, shut up, and let the Studio Exec fill your void of a brain with FACTS.

1. Robert De Niro is Australian.

2. De Niro’s favorite director is Martin Scorsese, but due to emotional scenes during the making of Casino, Scorsese and De Niro decide to start seeing other people. Scorsese soon replaced De Niro with Leonardo Di Caprio, but De Niro like a floundering child has found himself passed from one abusive foster home to another. Jay Roach, Justin Zachman and Jon Avnet have been the unworthy recipients of Mr. De Niro’s time. 

3. De Niro’s meticulous preparation and devotion to the authenticity of the role is now legendary. During the making of Cape Fear he beat a woman to death just to see how it felt, and during the making of Meet the Parents he watched all of Ben Stiller’s previous films so he could feel the appropriate amount of hatred for Ben Stiller’s character. 

4. Robert De Niro has won seventeen Oscars. But all of them were for set design, a little known part of his talent.

5. Whenever De Niro was called on to play a real life character – such as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull – he would chop off the finger of the real person and ingest it as part of his preparation.   

Happy Birthday Mr. De Niro will air on HBO at 11 EST. 

SCRIPT LEAK:TITANIC 2



Ext: The Atlantic Ocean

THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE OCEAN AND COMES TO REST ON AN ICEBERG. IT THEN DIVES UNDERWATER UNTIL IT REACHES THE WRECK OF THE TITANIC. WHISPERS OF GHOSTS CAN BE HEARD AS WE SURVEY THE DECAYING REMNANTS OF THE SHIP AND ITS CONTENTS. WE MOVE TOWARDS AN OBJECT AND WE SEE IT IS THE SKELETON OF JACK. THE CAMERA PANS CLOSE TO HIS SKULL WHEN SUDDENLY, ITS MOUTH OPENS AND SCREAMS “ROSE!”

Int: Cabin on The Titanic II.

ROSE WAKES UP SCREAMING. IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

Ext: Titanic II

SHE GOES UP ON DECK IN HER DRESSING GOWN AND STARES WISTFULLY OUT TO SEA.

                 Rose
I miss you Jack. I’ve come to bring you home

ROSE TAKES THE ‘HEART OF THE OCEAN’ FROM AROUND HER NECK AND DROPS IT INTO THE SEA.

A WHIRLPOOL APPEARS AND THE TITANIC II ROCKS IN THE WATER. SUDDENLY A 100FT JACK DRESSED AS THE GOD POSEIDON EMERGES FROM THE WATER CARRYING THE TITANIC ON HIS SHOULDER.

                Rose 
             No Jack, No!

JACK THROWS THE TITANIC INTO THE DISTANCE AND IS ABOUT TO SCOOP UP THE TITANIC 2.

                Rose 
   Sorry Jack, but you leave me no choice!
   
ROSE DELVES INTO A BAG AND BRANDISHES THE HEAD OF MEDUSA. JACK SCREAMS IN AGONY AS HE IS TURNED TO STONE AND THEN CRUMBLES INTO THE SEA.                              



TARANTINO PLANS TRILOGY

I’ll dance for you

LONDON – After Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino admitted to British music comic NME that his alternative history films require a conclusion. ‘A third film closing the trilogy would definitely be a good thing,’ everyone’s favourite dancing monkey said. ‘I’ve solved the Holocaust, won the Second World War and I’ve done the same now with slavery. Next up I want to solve climate change.’

The idea came after conversations with Leonardo diCaprio, who is committed to the environment and spends much of his spare time looking at it and checking that it’s okay. Tarantino has already drafted a treatment and sharpened his most colourful pencils:

The story is going to be genre peice. I’ve done Kung Fu, I’ve done War and now I’ve reinvented the Western. So for my environmental film, I’m going to make a monster movie. There are these dolphins and like BP are trying to kill them because they keep you know fucking up the oil spills that BP are doing on purpose. But they get strangely changed by the nuclear weapons that the North Koreans are testing. And so they come back and they fuck up the people. And there are dancing monkeys as well. 

What history would you like to see revised by Quentin Tarantino? Feel free to post comments or get intouch via Twitter or Facebook.