EVERYONE ELSE DIES

HOLLYWOOD – The world of entertainment was in shock today as everyone who hasn’t already died in 2016 has died.

The news broke on twitter when everyone’s agent released the following statement:

We are very sad to report that late last night everyone not already dead died. It happened peacefully. Our thoughts and prayers are with the family.

Tributes didn’t flow in from anywhere because those people were dead as well. The deaths come in what have been a bumper year for celebrity deaths, following the deaths of Prince, Leonard Cohen, Anton Yelchin, David Bowie, George Michael, Gary Shandling, Alan Rickman, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds.

Everyone else has now died, except for Keith Richards.

READ AARON SORKIN’S MOVING LETTER TO LEONARD COHEN ABOUT TRUMP PRESIDENCY

HOLLYWOOD – Following his prize-winning letter to his daughters about Trump’s election victory, West Wing writer Aaron Sorkin has written another missive.

This time, Aaron Sorkin address deceased Canadian singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen about his concerns:

Hi Leonard, 

It’s me Aaron Sorkin. You’ve probably enjoyed The West Wing and A Few Good Men, well I wrote the words to both of those. In the latter, Jack Nicholson shouts at Tom Cruise: ‘You can’t handle the truth!’ But you Leonard, throughout your work, you can handle it. And so here it is. Donald Trump has become President of the United States of America, or President-Elect, or whatever. I’m not going to get into technicalities. Shortly following this momentous, indeed calamitous news, you had the good sense to die. I have to say having followed you for all these years, you always knew when to leave the stage. It was in keeping with your wisdom.

All I can say is that we’re looking forward to the first fascist holding the highest office of the land. You talked about whistling past your daddy’s grave, the stuttering Hallelujah, the crack that lets the light in, the midnight choir, the coughing golden voice and your famous blue raincoat. You told us that the ship was sinking and the captain lied. So I guess it’s up to us now. I look to your legacy and I believe there is hope for America. I look at your beautiful novels, your poetry and your songs and I see an alternative America, of deep tradition, of deep thought, of generosity and breadth of sympathy. Such an America is possible.

I guess it’s called Canada.

Sincerely

A. Sorkin

   

TERRENCE MALICK’S BOND SCRIPT LEAKS ONTO INTERNET

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knew that Terrence Malick‘s new James Bond film provisionally entitled The Tree of Wonderful Glory Bangs would be different.

With Leonard Cohen and Arvo Part collaborating on the theme song and Daniel Craig boning up on his Heidegger, the chances were Terrence Malick was going to head in a totally new direction. However, now with the leaking onto the internet of a 600 page draft of Malick’s finished script it has become clear that his Bond is going to be like nothing you have ever seen before. Read after the jump some choice extracts from the script.

EXT. PARADISE – DAY
Paradisial expanse of lush grassland. Dinosaurs and unicorns frolic.

EXT. WATERFALL – DAY

Water falls from a water fall. 

EXT. BEACH -TWILIGHT

M. walks towards camera past camera. Looks back wistful. She is dead and has therefore gone to the beach.

BOND (v.o.)
M? Mother? Who are you that sends me on these missions?
 
INT. LONDON WHITEHALL OFFICE EVENING

Bond sits at his desk looking thoroughly miserable. Miss Moneypenny comes in. No words. She dances around the room and together they discover the beautiful fall of the failing sun reflected on the wood paneling of the windowsill. They cry. 

MONEYPENNY (V.O.)
Why? Who sent us hear? Who invented this love that we call love but other people don’t call love and don’t love it as much as us lovers of love do? Was it you?

 

 
INT. CHURCH – MAGIC HOUR
Javier Bardem dressed as a priest.
PRIEST
Jesus is great. Really top class. 
EXT. VENICE
Bond admires the church architecture and takes note of the glittering sunlight on the canal water.
BOND (whispering)
Where am I? Who am I?
Venice explodes.
 
EXT. BEACH TWILIGHT
Bond dances past M on the beach.
M.
What happened?
BOND
What happens? Happens?
 
EXT. DINOSAURS
More dinosaurs. 
 
FINIS

The Tree of Wonderful Glory Bangs will be released in 2015.
 
   

BOB DYLAN DISOWNS HIS SON

HOLLYWOOD – Bob Dylan today disowned his son George Zimmerman, following the news that Zimmerman was painting confederate flags for a ‘Muslim free’ gun shop owner.

The folk singer and song writer Bob Dylan had kept silent about his son, throughout his trial for the murder of Trayvon Martin in 2012. Dylan watchers said that Dylan’s silence was an attempt to distance himself from his progeny.

Leonard Cohen when asked stated:

I didn’t know they were related. I know Bob’s real name is Zimmerman, but I don’t recall him having a son called George. But then again I haven’t seen him in a long time.

Others ridiculed the idea that Bob Dylan should say anything about George Zimmerman. Bruce Springsteen told the Studio Exec:

Why should he come out and talk about it? George Zimmerman has nothing to do with him.

But filmmaker Spike Lee argued that Dylan’s first duty was to combat racism in all its forms:

The answer Mr. Dylan is not ‘blowing in the wind’, the answer is to be forthright and complete in your condemnation of your son’s actions.

The Oldboy director went on to give out the addresses of several old people who had vaguely similar names.

However, George Zimmerman’s most recent behavior – selling paintings of confederate flags to a ‘Muslim free’ gun shop owner – seems to have been a step too far for Dylan who told Studio Exec:

George Zimmerman is NOT my son. Do you understand? Now? Finally? Jesus Christ. And now look you’ve made me curse.

George Zimmerman was unavailable for comment.

 

JESSE EISENBERG IS LEONARD COHEN IN NEW BIOPIC

MONTREAL – Jonathan Demme‘s pet project Young Lenny – a portrait of Canadian happy clapper and merry pop picker Leonard Cohen – has finally ‘found its man’ in Zombieland and The Social Network star, Jesse Eisenberg.

“He’s perfect,” said Demme, director of such hits as Stop Making Sense and Silence of the Lambs. “He has that melancholy and the face, and, boy, you should hear him sing!”.

For his part, Eisenberg seemed stoked when he spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:

I’ve loved Leonard’s work since I heard ‘When I Need You’. What a beautiful song. [Begins to sing] When I need you, I reach out my hand…

But that isn’t Leonard Cohen.

It isn’t?

That’s Leo Sayer.

Yeah. Right Leo Sayer. Whatever. But what I mean is the thing I love about Leonard is that he can be balladic and touching, or upbeat and happy.

Really?

Sure. [Starts singing again] You make me feel like dancing, I wanna dance the night away, you make me feel like…

That’s Leo Sayer again.

It is? Jesus Christ. Really? Okay what about ‘More Than I Can Say’?

Leo Sayer.

Well, what did Leonard god-damned Cohen do?

‘Hallelujah’, ‘Suzanne’, ‘Bird on a Wire’, ‘Chelsea Hotel’… 

Yak! Those are all miserable songs. Urgh. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. I can’t… I mean…

But you signed on to do a film and you didn’t know who the singer was?

Let’s not jump to conclusions here.  I’m going to call Jonathan and see if we can’t iron this out.

Young Leo will start filming this Summer.  

LEONARD COHEN: TEEN CHOICE AWARDS ARE RIGGED

HOLLYWOOD – Septuagenarian rock star Leonard Cohen lashed out yesterday at the Teen Choice Awards which he claimed ‘are rigged in favor of youth and to the detriment of more mature talents.’

The folk singer who has had hits with songs such as ‘Suzanne’ and ‘Famous Blue Raincoat’ was speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his obvious disgruntlement.

The thing is, if you look at the nominations, not even the winners, just the nominations you can see an obvious bias. There are One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer, Fifth Harmony, R5. No, Rolling Stones!? Male artists you have Justins Timberlake and Bieber. But no Van Morrison, no Tom Waits. Okay, Pharrell Williams is no spring chicken but still that looked like a token gesture to please the bus pass crowd. Female artists Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry and Ariana Grande. No Madonna, no Liza Minelli. It’s just revolting, really.

The Teen Choice Awards gave out gongs to Harry Styles (Best Face) and The Fault in Our Stars (Best Cancer Movie). Organizers responded to Cohen’s criticism with the following statement:

We were saddened to hear the comments of Canadian songwriter Leonard Cohen. As a celebration of the entertainment industry although aimed at a ‘youth audience’ we try our very best to be respectful and inclusive. However, as Mr. Cohen will surely appreciate sucks to be you Granddad!

Next year’s Teen Choice Awards will take place in 2015.