LAST JEDI WILL BE THE LAST STAR WARS MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announced today that Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi will be the last Star Wars movie.

The Last Jedi is to close the Star Wars saga, it was revealed today. All the other proposed Star Wars movies have been canceled.

Kathleen Kennedy, the producer in charge of the franchise, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the decision:

We just decided we were bored of doing them. At first we were all very excited but then after a while it was like Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars! Jeez enough already. I mean we’re a bunch of grown ups in a room talking about if Ziphius Fey is going to have to go to Booglyon 8 to get the weeBa Krystals.

Wow! They go to Booglyon 8!  

And then it wouldn’t be so bad, but we’re talking about a film every year. Maybe even more.

But what about the films that are already in production, or have even completed post-production like the Han Solo stand alone?

The Han Solo movie is a mess. Half of it is Lego and the rest of it is Far and Away. Tom Cruise turns up speaking in an Oirish accent – ‘What are all ye leetle fellows doin’, made of bricks an all?’ – It’s an embarrassment.

So that’s it. No more Star Wars. 

Yep. It was fun. But this way think of the next original idea that will come along and finally have some space to breathe.

Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi will be released in December.

 

RON HOWARD PROMISES TO DE-LEGO HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – Happy Days actor and Rush director Ron Howard has promised that his Han Solo won’t feature Lego.

Ron Howard has been called in to replace Philip Lord and Chris Miller and has promised that he will reverse the Lego-like direction the new Star Wars film was going in. Kathleen Kennedy spoke to the Studio Exec:

The thing we all love about Ron is that there’s no Lego in any of his movies. Far and Away: no Lego. Rush: No Lego. Cinderella Man: no Lego. Apollo 13: no Lego. I could go on.

Please don’t.

Splash and A Beautiful Mind and The DaVinci Code: No L… wait I think there might have been some Lego in The DaVinci Code. But that was very much the anomaly.

Apart from the no Lego thing what does Ron bring to the table for Star Wars?

Well, he’s available. He has no discernible style to get in the way of the franchise. We’re kind of sick of all this ‘respect my vision’ bullshit. This is a Han Solo movie. The vision is: do you want to see a Han Solo movie? Yes. Okay open your eyes. There it is. What do you mean where’s the Lego? Get out of my house.

Han Solo will be released in 2018.

 

HAN SOLO NEWS: CHRIS MILLER AND PHIL LORD WANTED TO GO ‘FULL LEGO’

HOLLYWOOD –   fire Chris Miller and Phil Lord from the stand alone Star Wars movie Han Solo because ‘they wanted to go full lego’.

The Studio Exec received the shocking news that comedy directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller have been fired from the Han Solo movie only weeks before filming wraps. According to sources close to the production the firing came after tensions between Kathleen Kennedy and Lawrence Kasdan built up with the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs duo. An insider told the Studio Exec:

At first everyone was on board with the direction that Phil and Chris were proposing. Kathleen hired them for their off the wall humor and their irreverence. But there was one major stumbling block that was never fully dealt with and that was what finally did for them. They wanted to do the whole film with lego.

You mean like an animated movie?

No, they were filming live action scenes. We went to Italy to film in the Dolomites. All over the place. But when the actors came on set they found these Lego versions of themselves. Chris told them to just voice the characters while Phil and Chris moved the Lego around.

Wow.

I know. At first we assumed they were doing pre-viz. You know that’s the thing now. But when the cast complained then Phil told wardrobe to basically make these huge Lego costumes. The guys run a fun set so we assumed it was a practical joke. But it went on all day and then the next. Kathleen was just fuming. She kept talking to Ron Howard all the time and she always had him on speaker phone so the guys and the crew could hear. She’d say things like ‘I could drop a rock on their heads while they’re sleeping’ and ‘twenty dollars buys me a guy called Luciano and no questions asked’. They began to get scared but they were unerring in their artistic vision. I’ll give them that.

The film stars Alden Ehrenreich in the role of the space smuggler, made famous by Harrison Ford. Donald Glover plays Lando Calrissian.

Han Solo will be released in 2018.

FINAL GAME OF THRONES TO BE LEGO EPISODE

HOLLYWOOD – The final episode of Game of Thrones is to be a Lego episode.

‘Everything is Hordor! Everything is Hordor when you’re part of a team!’

HBO’s epic fantasy series Game of Thrones is to conclude its 6th season with a Lego episode, it was revealed today. Showrunners Philip Lord and Chris Miller said that they had been saving up a special crossover conclusion that will have fans laughing and shrieking with horror in equal measure:

As we began to bring our surviving characters closer and closer together it became obvious that the main confrontation would take place in the penultimate episode with the Battle of the Bastards. In the Winds of Winter, we wanted to lighten the mood a little and we thought why not a Lego episode? From a budgetary point of view it was a lot cheaper and the actors didn’t have to get up so early in the morning to be on location so it was a really fun shoot.

But surely the adult nature of the show makes a Lego episode inappropriate?

I don’t know. After all you have Spongebob in talks for True Detective Season 3 and with Pixar making such clever children’s films, that demarcation between kids and adults is really coming down.

So the violence…?

And the anal sex, yep, we’re doing it all. A little Lego penis will be seen at some point for the first time in television history. And some of the gore… I think because it’s Lego we can actually go further than we would otherwise be able to. I felt quite sick after the test screening.

And the story?

I’m not giving away spoilers man. But I will say that there be dragons and Yellow Walkers.

Yellow walkers? You mean White Walkers?

Nope.

Game of Thrones Season 6 concludes tonight.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S NEXT FILM IS GOING TO BE EVEN MORE HARDCORE

HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo diCaprio is to follow up his Oscar winning role in The Revenant with his most physically demanding role yet.

The Revenant featured ice cold river dips, bear attacks, post-mortem horse saunas and sub-zero temperatures, but word has it that Leonardo diCaprio’s new role is even more hardcore. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Leonardo diCaprio spoke about just how far he is willing to go in the pursuit of that difficult second Oscar that has so far eluded him for his entire career:

It’s crazy when Martin Scorsese sent me over the script, I really didn’t want to know about it. I wasn’t ready physically or mentally to take on anything, but when Marty calls you have to at least answer, so I sat down and read the script.

So it’s pretty hardcore?

Oh, I’ll say. I play a middle aged man. I work in advertising in the city. I’m happily married and I have two young kids.

Okay and so what happens? Terrorists attack? There’s an earthquake? You go on holiday to Europe?

No. What happens is everything is okay and we’re all really happy and then one night I have to go to the bathroom – that is my character Ralph has to, but you can see I’m already neck deep in preparation. Anyway, he doesn’t put his slippers on, it’s June so it isn’t cold and as he walks across the hall he steps on a piece of Lego with his bare feet.

Jesus Christ!

I know.

How are you going to film that?

Well at first we thought of CGI and then there was this idea of using a squishy piece of Lego so it wouldn’t hurt, but in the end we’re just going to have to go method on the motherf*cker.

What pushes you to such limits of realism? You’re a famous movie star; you have your Oscar. Why do it?

I’m committed to my craft what can I say. The scene is the central moment of the whole piece and so I feel that it would be to rob the audience of the genuine heart of thwe story if we resorted to trickery.

The Man Who Stepped On Lego Piece in His Bare Feet in the Middle of the Night starts filming in June.

TRUE DETECTIVE FINALE WILL BE A LEGO EPISODE

HOLLYWOOD – The Season Finale of the HBO crime series True Detective will be a special Lego episode directed by Chris Miller and Phil Lord. 

Nic Pizzolatto – the show-runner – said the move was a response to critics of the series who had found the story of Southern style crime and mystery overly morbid and heavy:

Phil and Chris rang and said they were fans of the show and could they get involved. We were prepping and Cary Fukunaga came into the office and he was literally weeping with laughter. It turned out he’d just been to see The Lego Movie so when he heard the suggestion he was over the moon.

Fukunaga added: ‘The story will be a satisfactory finale, but the boys have given it a zippy spin.’ Lord and Miller confessed that they often got high and phoned people at random from their agent’s phone book suggesting Lego episodes, but have been surprised how many shows are eager to comply. ‘We’ve got a Boardwalk Empire and a True Blood one coming up as well,’ wheezed a gasping Lord.

Woody Harrelson reacted to the news with a distracted but blissfully happy smile and Matthew McConaughey said, ‘A’right, a’right, a’right’ shortly before being punched in the throat. 

True Detective Lego Finale will be broadcast.

FILM SCHOLAR IRRITATED BY HOW MUCH HE ENJOYED THE LEGO MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Intellectual film critic Mordant Aziz found himself irritated earlier today following a screening he attended of Chris Miller and Phil Lord’s The Lego Movie.

Prof. Aziz fully expected to hate the film and find within it ‘the glib vacuous commercialism endemic in post-millennial Hollywood’ which he has contrasted on many previous occasions with the zesty experiments of the nouvelle vague and the beautiful ambiguities of Golden Age Seventies cinema.

Prof. Aziz – author of The Instability of Nicholas Cage – told the Studio Exec and several confidants:  

Throughout the film I chuckled, other times I laughed out loud. I enjoyed the film thoroughly and even believe that it had a coherent view of the world, which it also managed to problematize in a way which few other films bother with. In fact the film is the most interesting critique of ideology since John Carpenter’s They Live.

And yet you are irritated?

Absolutely. The pleasure I derived from watching the film and even the nourishment (intellectually speaking) is completely at odds with my thesis on the moral bankruptcy of product placement and the creative death of tent pole toy based franchises à la Bay.

So your thesis will need revising?

Fortunately, no. You see this is the beauty of  academia and post-modernism more generally. The Lego Movie is post-ironic irony. 

Come again?

It means I can enjoy it while knowing that my detachment and annoyance are wholly intended and therefore intellectually justified while still retaining my ability to look down on the popular audience who are enjoying the film wrongly.

Incorrectly you mean.

Fuck you.

The Lego Movie 2: The Piece You Stand On will be released in 2016.