LAST JEDI WILL BE THE LAST STAR WARS MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announced today that Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi will be the last Star Wars movie.

The Last Jedi is to close the Star Wars saga, it was revealed today. All the other proposed Star Wars movies have been canceled.

Kathleen Kennedy, the producer in charge of the franchise, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the decision:

We just decided we were bored of doing them. At first we were all very excited but then after a while it was like Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars! Jeez enough already. I mean we’re a bunch of grown ups in a room talking about if Ziphius Fey is going to have to go to Booglyon 8 to get the weeBa Krystals.

Wow! They go to Booglyon 8!  

And then it wouldn’t be so bad, but we’re talking about a film every year. Maybe even more.

But what about the films that are already in production, or have even completed post-production like the Han Solo stand alone?

The Han Solo movie is a mess. Half of it is Lego and the rest of it is Far and Away. Tom Cruise turns up speaking in an Oirish accent – ‘What are all ye leetle fellows doin’, made of bricks an all?’ – It’s an embarrassment.

So that’s it. No more Star Wars. 

Yep. It was fun. But this way think of the next original idea that will come along and finally have some space to breathe.

Star Wars Episode 8 The Last Jedi will be released in December.

 

STEPHEN KING’S LEGO MOVIE 2 SCRIPT LEAKS ONTO INTERNET

HOLLYWOOD – The Lego Movie 2 is already in production, but Stephen King’s script has apparently leaked onto the internet.

Everyone loved The Lego Movie. But now you can read the script to The Lego Movie 2, written by Stephen King.

INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT.

A man and his wife are sleeping in bed. A soft THUMP is heard. 

 WIFE

(Waking up)

What’s that, honey?

MAN 

Go back to sleep sweetheart, I’ll go and check it out.

The man gets out of bed. He looks at his slippers. 

MAN

(to himself)

I guess I don’t really need to wear those. 

He walks out of the bedroom and down the corridor to his son’s room. 

INT. SON’S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

The son turns over in his sleep. There are a pile of comic books on the bed and another one slides off the bed and lands with a THUMP. Tiptoeing, DAD crosses the room and moves the comic books to the shelves and then tucks his son in with a smile. Turning to return to his bedroom he…

CLOSE UP on barefoot:

…steps on a piece of Lego. 

He SCREAMS in agony. And falls in slow motion. CUJO the LEGO dog leaps from the shadows and tears an arm off. LEGO Annie Wilkes chops his foot off at the ankle with a LEGO ax handed to her by LEGO Jack Torrance. The creepy LEGO twins stand blocking DAD’s path.

LEGO TWINS

Come and play with us Daddy. Forever,

and ever,

and ever.

LEGO Pennywise lead the others in song.

ALL

(singing)

Everything is terrifying,

Everything is terrifying

(when you’ve stepped on a LEGO).

FINE

For more Script Leaks, Click Here. 

JOHN GOODMAN CONFIRMED AS HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – Disney today confirmed that John Goodman would be taking on the iconic role of Han Solo in a stand alone Star Wars film to be directed by Chris Miller and Phil Lord of Lego Movie fame.

Roseanne Barr’s husband and Barton Fink’s next door neighbor John Goodman is to take over from Harrison Ford as everyone’s favorite smuggler, Han Solo, in a new stand alone Star Wars film. Despite rumors that Alden Ehrenreich of Hail Caesar! has been cast in the role, Disney today confirmed that they were going with Goodman. A source from within Disney spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We wanted to go in a different direction. We wanted people to say ‘John Goodman as Han Solo? huh!’ And I think we’ve already achieved that.

But isn’t John Goodman too old to play a young Han Solo?

We always saw Han as a mature character. Even when he’s young he has a certain gravitas and a certain heft. You watch John Goodman in 10 Cloverfield Lane or Matinee and you’ll know exactly why we hired him. He’s in practically ever decent Coen Brothers film that there is. There’s a reason for that.

John Goodman himself phoned later this evening to offer his thoughts on becoming the pilot of the Millennium Falcon.

To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t like Star Wars. I find it a childish fantasy and I particularly hate the way the young people are being sold this regurgitated nostalgia for a time that they never themselves experienced. It’s like your parents forcing you to listen to Pink Floyd under some misapprehension that it’s good.

So why are you doing it?

Well, I read the script and… money.

Han Solo: 12 Parsecs to Fame will be released in 2019.

MICHAEL HANEKE EYES LEGO MOVIE 2

HOLLYWOOD – He said he’d never do it, but Austrian film director Michael Haneke is considering taking the helm of The Lego Movie 2.

Phil Lord and Chris Miller spoke about the Funny Games and White Ribbon director’s involvement with The Lego Movie 2 and his involvement with their previous projects:

Michael likes to keep the worlds seperate, but in truth he has been a part of our creative team since the very beginning. He is fascinated by the duality of life. On one side you have the brutality of existence and on the other the hopelessness of existence. We first met him when we were young film students and he was making Funny Games (US). We had a script for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and he very generously read it and gave us some notes.

What were the notes?

He said that the main character, Flint Lockwood, should die at the end. And Sam Sparks should die. And Flint’s dad should die. Everybody should die basically and food should take over the world. We obviously decided to go in another direction, but he encouraged us to work harder for the comedy.

How will he be involved in The Lego Movie 2?

Michael basically wrote the first two drafts of the first film. The whole subversion of capitalism thing was him. Very few people know this, but Michael also wrote the lyrics to Everything is Awesome, which when you think about it is awesome. Naturally we went to him for ideas on the sequel and jokingly asked if he would be interested in directing it. At first he was unsure because he is also scripting 23 Jump Street and he’s wrapping up production of the Amour sequel, but we are very hopeful he is going to say yes.

How will The Lego Movie 2 be different with Michael Haneke directing?

I’m not sure it’ll be darker. After all, Michael likes to defy expectations, but the script is in and we’re really looking forward to seeing what he can do.

The Lego Movie 2: Extinction will be filming in 2016.

NRA GETS OSCAR CATEGORY

HOLLYWOOD – The National Rifle Association (NRA) to get its own Oscar category at the upcoming Motion Picture Academy Awards.

The decision came following a marked increase in movies with firearms featuring prominently. John Wick, Taken 3 and American Sniper all use gun play as an essential element of the narrative, stated a  spokesperson for the NRA.

You can see that we’re winning the argument all across America. Guns have never been more popular or more beloved. Look at the success of American Sniper! Box office records shot to pieces. And Oscar nominations up the wahtoosie! Whereas The Lego Movie… where were the guns in that piece of shit?

But that was a kids’ film?

So what? Kids love guns and they even love to fire them.  Under proper supervision obviously. Not just stealing mom’s gun. That’d be wrong.

The category will be called ‘Most Imaginative Use of Guns in a Motion Picture’.

The nominations this year are:

John Wick

Taken 3

American Sniper

Sin City 2: A Dame to Kill For

Still Alice

For more Oscars, click here.

LEGO MOVIE RIOTS BREAK OUT IN LA

HOLLYWOOD – Police and civic leaders were this evening calling for calm as riots continued to rage across Los Angeles following the snubbing of The Lego Movie at the Academy  Awards nominations.

People had begun to gather early in the afternoon when an ugly rumor spread that How to Train Your Dragon 2 had been nominated whereas The Lego Movie had been neglected entirely. An eyewitness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

At first people were chanting wry stuff like ‘Everything is not f*cking Awesome’ and ‘Down with President Business’ when someone spotted a guy wearing a Big Hero 6 t-shirt and it all went crazy. Petrol bombs were thrown, windows broken, the police responded with tear gas and baton charges.

President Barack Obama was one of many voices calling for calm, but has also ordered the mobilization of the National Guard.

In his television address this evening, the President said:

I am calling on everyone to stay at home and maintain law and order. I know that it absolutely blows that Lord and Miller’s film wasn’t recognized. And for what? How to Train Your Dragon 2? But we must keep a sense of proportion. These are the Oscars. They really don’t matter that much, except to George Clooney and Leonardo diCaprio.

Chris Miller and Philip Lord both tweeted about their dissatisfaction but with trademark good humor. Neither of them have responded to accusations that they were the main instigators of the riots. Late last night Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly stated that:

The Lego Movie encourages civil unrest, portrays violent protest as legitimate with its frankly communist attack on our economic system and our need for social obedience. No wonder pinheads are fighting on the streets of Los Angeles.

The Oscars are a bunch of bullsh*t on February 22nd, 2015.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT TRUE DETECTIVE

LOUISIANA – All hail the Yellow King and the climax of the McConaughssance, but what are the FACTS behind the HBO hit anthology show True Detective? Only the Truer Detective of the Studio Exec can give you the lowest low down. And we promise it will be depressing.

1. First mooted in the late eighties, True Detective was initially envisioned as a Cheers spin off which the producers hoped would cash in on Woody Harrelson’s popularity as Woody. Entitled The Dopey Detective, the script was altered as the years went by, but according to director Cary Fukunaga ‘the ideas are essentially the same as is the mood of the piece’.

2.  The theme song is sung by Cyndi Lauper from her own composition. 

3. The references throughout the series to the Yellow King is a reference to show runner Nic Pizzolatto’s love of Lego. There was even a suggestion that the finale would be a Lego episode.

4. Despite playing an atheistic intellectual and troubled soul of keen intelligence, actor Matthew McConaughey is much different in real life, being in reality a dopey God Squader. Woody Harrelson plays an inebriated pussy hound. And… erm.

5.   Cary Fukunaga and Nic Pizzolatto are in talks to make a new show based on the Matthew McConaughey picture Sahara. ‘It will be the most depressing and humorless thing ever put on television,’ says Pizzolatto. ‘In keeping with the spirit of the film.’


For more 5 FACTS clickety click.

TRUE DETECTIVE FINALE WILL BE A LEGO EPISODE

HOLLYWOOD – The Season Finale of the HBO crime series True Detective will be a special Lego episode directed by Chris Miller and Phil Lord. 

Nic Pizzolatto – the show-runner – said the move was a response to critics of the series who had found the story of Southern style crime and mystery overly morbid and heavy:

Phil and Chris rang and said they were fans of the show and could they get involved. We were prepping and Cary Fukunaga came into the office and he was literally weeping with laughter. It turned out he’d just been to see The Lego Movie so when he heard the suggestion he was over the moon.

Fukunaga added: ‘The story will be a satisfactory finale, but the boys have given it a zippy spin.’ Lord and Miller confessed that they often got high and phoned people at random from their agent’s phone book suggesting Lego episodes, but have been surprised how many shows are eager to comply. ‘We’ve got a Boardwalk Empire and a True Blood one coming up as well,’ wheezed a gasping Lord.

Woody Harrelson reacted to the news with a distracted but blissfully happy smile and Matthew McConaughey said, ‘A’right, a’right, a’right’ shortly before being punched in the throat. 

True Detective Lego Finale will be broadcast.