TOM HARDY’S TATTOOS ‘ARE TRANSFERS’

LONDON – It was revealed today that Tom Hardy’s tattoos are all actually transfers, like the kind that children get.

The Legend and Mad Max: Fury Road star Tom Hardy was accused today of not having real tattoos. A report from the British Government claimed that Mr. Hardy’s tattoos are in fact transfers, like you get for children and that you have to put the paper on the skin and then wet with a sponge before slowly peeling off. The tattoos include a pair of drama masks, the London Skyline, a scorpion, the face of President Andrew Jackson, the face of Scottish actor Gordon Jackson, a quotation from Shelley, and his favorite curry dish Chicken Tikka Masala (‘so I can just point to my right tit when ordering’ explains Hardy). However it has been noted that the tattoos change position and sometimes disappear entirely.

The Government report reads:

Mr. Hardy has posed for photographs in tattoo parlors and many have taken him at his word that the tattoos are authentic. But a source close to MI5 reveals that Mr. Hardy is afraid of needles and prefers to use transfers which are washable. If he needs to appear in a film without his tattoos, some soap and water and a little scrubbing and it all comes off.

The Locke star, Tom Hardy refused to comment on the story but his closest friend Toyah Willcox had this to say:

Tom takes his tattoos very seriously and any idea that he is a big softy who is scared of needles and that the tattoos are merely temporary will be met with Bronson like violence.

Legend is currently in theaters.

RIDLEY SCOTT PROMISES TO RUIN ALIEN COMPLETELY

LONDON – Today Ridley Scott vowed that he would ruin his breakthrough science fiction/horror hit  Alien completely, promising a further two Prometheus prequels.

Many had hoped that Prometheus had been greeted with such critical lukewarmth if not hatred that cinema-goers would nary be met with a follow up, but it appears today that Ridley Scott is determined to ruin his original Alien film in a fit of nihilistic loathing of the world. He popped into the Pinewood Studio Exec Bungalow yesterday to talk about it:

People always say to me, “oh Ridley Alien was great” or “Gee Ridley I really enjoyed Blade Runner”. Nobody mentions White Squall, Somebody to Watch Over Me, Black Rain or GI Jane. I made 1492 with not a single shot of CGI and Gerard Depardieu for Christ’s sake. What is the matter with these people? Why can’t they appreciate my whole Oeuvre?

Your what?

My Oeuvre Goddamn it! It’s what French directors have. For breakfast I think.

Oh.

So my plan is Blade Runner 2. There you go, you can stop going on about Blade Runner and Prometheus 2 and 3 and boom, Alien will start looking like something that isn’t that special. P. T. Anderson, God Bless him, tried to ruin two franchises in one go with his Alien V Predator films, but you need real skill to properly ruin films. And I’m your man.

Why do you hate the world so much? 

Because people are weird flesh bags and they open their mouths and massive word trains come out. No one appreciates me for the genius I am except me. Yesterday I got a Kinder Surprise. I opened it and the little plastic toy inside, well… it wasn’t a surprise anymore. I was totally expecting it.

Prometheus 2 and Prometheus 3 will be released in 2017 and 2019.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH TOM HARDY’S TWIN BROTHER

LONDON – We talked EXCLUSIVELY with Tom Hardy’s twin brother about his brother, being a twin and the new crime film Legend in which he has a role opposite his brother Tom Hardy.

Having a famous identical twin brother can’t be easy, but for Tom Hardy – Tom Hardy’s identical twin brother – at least it has had the compensation in providing  some work. Tom Hardy stars in Legend opposite his brother as Reggie Kray (Tom Hardy is playing Ronnie). Tom Hardy came into the Studio Exec’s UK ‘gaff’ to talk about his role in the film:

The Kray brothers have always fascinated me and I leaped at the chance to be involved in the film. Brian Helgeland is a great director and I’m really enjoying the chance to work with all these great people.

What was it like working with your brother?

Sorry?

Your brother Tom. 

I don’t have a brother. I’m an only child.

Very good Tom. I’ve seen the movie. Did you squabble a lot on set?

Oh, wait I see the confusion. No I play the twins Reggie and Ronnie Kray. I play both of them. In England they’re figures of some controversy, with some people claiming they were good lads, whereas most people think they were thuggish gangsters. Of course, there have been several films made about them. Villain with Richard Burton

Why have you both got the same name?

Who?

You and your brother.

Look I’ve told. I don’t have a twin brother. That’s just me.

But there are two identical versions of you on screen at the same time.

We used a CGI technique to blend the footage.

This is bullshit!

What?

I had the same exact trouble with the Armie Hammer twins.

Oh, those guys are assholes, don’t put us in the same league as those guys. Me and Tom are much more… oh shit. I’ve got to go.

At that point Tom Hardy terminated the interview, Downey Jr. style.

 

Legend will be released in 2015.