NICOLAS CAGE FILM KILLS WITHIN 5 YEARS

HOLLYWOOD – The World Health Organisation confirmed today that anyone who has watched the Nicolas Cage film Left Behind will be dead within five years.

Doctor Habbleaver of the Swedish Institute for Movie Death told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

When Left Behind first appeared on our radar, except for a few esteemed virologists, no one took it seriously. There had been warnings about Nicolas Cage films in the past. The Wicker Man caused over seven thousand deaths and the second Ghost Rider almost double that but as they were mostly in the Third World no one really paid attention. The difference here is the morbidity of the experience.If you watch the trailer, your chances of suffering from a stroke in the next six months goes up by 80 percent. If you watch the whole film, you’ll be dead in five years.

How will you die?

Well, that’s the strange thing. You just disappear and your clothes are all that’s left. In a pile.

F*ck!

Yeah, that’s what we said in Sweden.

People who have seen the Nicolas Cage film are warned to put their affairs in order, quit their jobs and spend their savings. There is absolutely nothing you can do but similarly there is no point crying and gnashing your teeth. I mean, it’s not like you haven’t been warned.

Left Behind is available to buy on DVD, Blu-Ray and on instant streaming, or can be illegally downloaded.

THE PEOPLE’S DEMOCRATIC REVOLUTIONARY NICOLAS CAGE PARTY

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec received this manifesto from a group styling itself the Nicholas Cage Revolutionary Party. Here it is in full.

We of THE PEOPLE’S DEMOCRATIC REVOLUTIONARY NICOLAS CAGE PARTY invite all those sick of the TYRANNY of quality and the OPPRESSIVE strictures of nuance, subtlety and believe-ability to unite under the banner of NICOLAS CAGE and fight for ham, OTT ludicrousness and incredibly dumb career choices. 

Already cells of PDRNCP activists are infiltrating television, radio, the internets and cinema to diffuse little known comic book adaptations; to take the most talented action directors from the East and make tiresome straight to video fare and to make a Da Vinci Code knock off which makes the original look like Tarkovsky.


You will know a fellow PDRNCP activist via the secret greeting: 

THE BEES!!!! THE BEES!!! NO NOT THAT, NOT THE BEES!!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

  • We will make Daniel Day-Lewis wish he’d never won an Oscar.  
  • We will worship ELVIS and marry any surviving relative he has going.
  • We will occasionally do something extraordinarily good just to make everyone scratch their heads about the general bullshit of the rest of it. 
  • We will hold the record for the most one word film titles: Stolen (2012) Trespass (2011) Justice (2011) Knowing (2009) Next (2007)Adaptation, Sonny, Windtalkers, Moonstruck, Birdy
JOIN US TODAY
 
THE BEES!!!! THE BEES!!! NO NOT THAT, NOT THE BEES!!! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!