OLIVER STONE NEW JFK THEORY: OSWALD DID IT!

DALLAS – Snowden film director, conspiracy theorist and eyebrow pioneer, Oliver Stone has a new theory regarding the assassination of John F. Kennedy and it’s crazy! 

The JFK director phoned the Studio Exec early this morning, careful to disguise his voice:

For years, I’ve been convinced that President John Kennedy was shot by someone shooting from the direction of the grassy knoll. Possibly, two shooters. On the Zapruder footage, the head clearly goes back and to the left. Back and to the left! And given the speed of the car and the direction it was travelling through Dealey Plaza, that seemed like the only logical conclusion. However it has come to my attention that there was also a man in the Book Depository Building which had a clear view of the square and a marksman, someone trained in the marines for instance, could have taken the kill shot from there. And what is more damning is the nature of that building. A ‘Book’ depository building? Books? in Dallas, Texas? I don’t think so.

I think we…

Now, it so happens a man was arrested and quite conveniently shot the following day, before he could fully confess. That man’s name I’ve learned was Lee Harvey Oswald. So I asked myself could this be the man who shot John F. Kennedy?

But…

Of course, I couldn’t be sure, but then I got a photograph of Oswald and he is the spitting image of Gary Oldman. That sealed the deal. 

But this is the accepted official version of events.

Exactly. It’s reverse psychology, you see. They know I’m always onto them. So they give me the truth knowing that I’ll head off arm in arm with Kevin Costner to dig up any species of bullshit and discredit myself and my friends, when all along the real conspiracy was right there in front of me all the time. You have to hand it to Richard Nixon, the Mafia, Cuban right wingers and the CIA, they almost got away with it this time.

Oliver Stone will be revealing a JFK: the Director’s Cut in 2017, as soon as he has completed his three week version of Alexander: the Seriously This Is It Cut.  

DID FRANK SINATRA KILL JFK?

WASHINGTON – Earlier today, the estate of the late Dean Martin sensationally released a signed document which they claim is the dictated deathbed confession of the former lounge singer and actor.

The document, which is still awaiting official verification, contains several allegations including Jerry Lewis’ secret donations to The Baadar-Meinhoff Gang and Sammy Davies Jnr’s links to the Israeli Intelligence service Mossad. The most explosive passage of the confession, however, is Martin’s suggestion that Frank Sinatra was the infamous ‘Man on
the Grassy Knoll’, who conspiracy theorists have long alleged was responsible for the assassination of former US president John F Kennedy:

I was at my suite in The Tropicana in December 1963 and Sinatra came over with a bottle of Scotch. We polished that off pretty swiftly and, halfway through the next, Frank suddenly asked me what I thought about the assassination. I told him I was sorry for his family but after what that son of a bitch did to Marilyn – I had no personal love for the man. Suddenly, Frank started laughing like a maniac and when I asked him what he was laughing about, he said he had a confession to make; but if I ever told anyone about it I’d end up in a hole in the desert. I thought he was just drunk and boasting so I said, “Sure Frank, spill your guts and I won’t tell another living soul.”

Well what he said next has been eating away at my conscience for over 30 years. He told me that the wrong man had been accused of killing the president and ole Harvey Oswald had been set up to take the fall. Still thinking he was just kidding around I said “Sure Frank, how come you know so much about it?”. Suddenly Sinatra approached me, put both hands firmly on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. “I know about it Deano because I was the man who shot JFK”.

Now Frank was known for talking all kinds of bull and, at first, I thought he was just taking a joke too far – but then he told me how he had been at a card game on November 19th with Mickey Rooney, Tony Curtis, Peter Lawford and Mob boss Sam Giancana. He said everyone was pretty drunk and Sam got talking about how he rigged the New York vote to get Kennedy elected but the President was still busting his balls left, right, and centre. Then the conversation turned to what that son of a bitch did to Marilyn; Giancana got angry and exclaimed, “Will no-one rid me of this turbulent President?” With that, Frank said he excused himself from the table to take a leak and decided he was going to charter a plane to Dallas and assassinate Kennedy.

“It was easy Deano”, he told me, “I borrowed a rifle from Lauren Bacall and jumped on a plane to Dallas. Next thing I know it’s lunch time and I’m stood behind this grassy knoll holding half a bottle of tequila and a 6.5 mm Carcano. I saw the Presidents Limo go past, fired off a couple of shots and then wandered off to find a 7-Eleven.”

I asked Frank how Oswald got caught up in the mess and he said he had “No idea,” but it was – “Probably something to do with the Cubans”.

You know I’ve kept that secret for so long but now I’m on my way out, I thought it was high time the truth came out.

Obviously Martin’s revelations are already sending shock waves around the world and we will keep you updated on the fallout, as it happens.