UNIVERSAL CELEBRATION: JACK REACHER SEQUEL ‘WILL NOT GO AHEAD’

HOLLYWOOD – Spontaneous parties broke out everywhere, enmity was forgotten and fierce enemies became the fastest of friends, Muslim and Jew, Sikh and Hindu, Christians and Richard Dawkins were all united in a festival of friendship and understanding as Paramount released a statement saying it was unlikely that the planned sequel to Jack Reacher would go ahead.

The Syrian civil war for a moment paused in its blood shed, the first time it had done so since the announcement of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart reuniting late last year.

The only people not celebrating were members of the ‘Church’ of ‘Scientology’, who saw in the underwhelming performance of the Lee Child adaptation the meddling of Xenu and modern psycho-pharmacology.

‘I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,’ said Ali Dachou, returning from the funeral of his whole family who had been killed by a drone attack on the Pakistan border. ‘Things are bad but at least I won’t have to put up with anymore of Mr Cruise’s posturing.’

Werner Herzog also expressed joy. ‘Hopefully the film will be buried in a very deep box and forgotten about,’ the Austrian director hissed, who had a role in the film as the villain.