RUSSIANS HAVE WEAPONIZED MATRIX RELOADED

MOSCOW – Intelligent sources accuse the Russian government of weaponizing Matrix Reloaded.

For years the second Matrix film – Matrix Reloaded – was just a bad memory but now it seems that the Russian secret service have succeeded in weaponizing the film. An NSA source spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

What has happened is in some of the darker reaches of the Russian spy agency, Matrix Reloaded has been turned into a weapon. The nerve agent is reverse engineered from the feeling the biggest Matrix fan got when sitting in the cinema for the first forty minutes of Matrix Reloaded. That feeling of excitement and enthusiasm gradually curdling into a a sense of having ashes in your mouth and a lump of mould where your heart used to be has been isolated and can now be reproduced chemically.

Jesus Christ.

I know. They’ve been trying something similar in North Korea with Attack of the Clones, but people already knew what to expect. And phantom Menace doesn’t quite work because there was always the Duel of the Fates music and the Pod Race to latch onto.

Is there a danger that the Russians might launch an attack?

There’s a very really possibility that they already did in 2017. Don’t you remember how you just felt joyless all the time?

I guess.

And for some reason couldn’t stop thinking about how Laurence Fishburne has put on a lot of weight?

Good God!

You see?

Matrix Reloaded will be buried in a vault in a deep deep mountain.

SCRIPT LEAK: THE MATRIX REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – We received a script leak that purports to be an early draft of The Matrix Reboot.

The Matrix reboot is taking place, whether we want it or not. The Studio Exec has received an early draft of the script. We decided to publish and Warner Bros. be damned. Here it is:

MORPHEUS and NEO sit in a dark green room. Morpheus opens his hands to reveal that in each palm there rests a pill. One is red and one is blue. Speaking very slowly Morpheus explains.

MORPHEUS

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

NEO (confused)

Well, I…

MORPHEUS

Remember: all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.

Neo takes the blue pill. 

THE END.

Copyright 2017 Warner Bros.

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