CANNES 2022 – The Studio Exec Cannes Must See List is as much a part of the festival as Lars Von Trier making a dick of himself or paying 6000Euros to stay in a broom closet that smells of piss. Let us guide you through the must-see events and highlights of this year’s festival. Trip the light fantastic with our Cannes Must See List.
No Cannes Boo!
No trip to Cannes would be complete without a boo and a walkout by some overentitled journalist. They probably only claim to be a film critic so they can stay in their sister in law’s Gites outsides Cannes on a free holiday. If you don’t see at least one film with boos and walkouts, you’re not doing it right.
Let’s Get Ready To Rumble
With last year’s red carpet showdown between Jodie Foster and Adam Driver a thing of the past, Cannes has a reputation to upkeep. After the fallout of what many are calling SmithRock at this year’s Oscars, speculation is rife over who will see red on the red carpet. Will it be Jane Campion facing off with Power Of The Dog naysayer, Sam Eliot? Or will Hollywood’s Scrappydoo, Tom Cruise be saying ‘Lemme at ‘em’ while a 5ft 9” bodyguard effortlessly holds him back from anyone who ‘gives him evils’.
Car Crash Press Conferences
Which ego-maniacal director will go off at the deep end and declare their empathy for the Nazis this year? Good ol’ Lars Von Sneer set the bar pretty low several years ago with his lunatic ramblings, apologies and retracted apologies. As long as supply channels of cocaine remain open in the south of France, chances are, he won’t be the last. By the way, is Mel Gibson going this year? Just asking for a friend.
Cannes Must See Shopping List
Whatever you watch at this year’s festival, you’re bound to bump into journalists. They’ll be easy to spot. They’ll be the ones that look like Henry Kissinger on meth. They’ll stink of free wine and struggle to carry all their giftbags from studios whose films they’ll impartially review. Have a great festival everyone, they sure will.
The Annual Cannes Film Festival Takes Place At Cannes Every Year.
HOLLYWOOD – Former Game of Thrones contestant Kit Harington is to star in Human Sacrifice Live to be broadcast during the Summer Solstice on Fox.
Live TV events have been the new discovery with first the Grease Live musical getting critical acclaim and solid ratings and then Tyler Perry’s faith-based extravanganza The Passion saw a huge neon cross tastefully dragged through New Orleans. The latest in the trend is another offer from Fox, which will be broadcast live throughout the Summer Solstice and will involve the first televised Human Sacrifice.
Kit Harington spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:
I’ve been wanting to do something live for a while, that’s what really drew me to the project. Lars Von Trier is producing it and there will musical numbers as well written by Billy Joel.
Of We Didn’t Start the Fire fame?
You nailed it.
What will the event consist of?
First I will be prepared, bathed in oils and ritually clensed. Then we’ll have a moment where I say Goodybe to my loved ones and friends. This is going to be very moving and they’ll give little interviews as well so the audience can get involved and give them advice and consolation. Then the Wicker Man will be built. It’s going to be huge, but I’m happy to say we’re only going to use wood from sustainable sources. This is going to be the first environmentally friendly human sacrifice in the history of humanity!
And then they immolate you?
No, first I have to sing my solo number ‘An Innocent Man’ then they burn me alive.
Aren’t you scared?
Well, the chorus is a bit outside of my range but I’ve been doing some vocal training so I think I should be okay.
No I mean of being publicly burnt to death in a huge wicker effigy?
I was in Pompeii. I know everything there is to know about dying in public.
Human Sacrifice with Kit Harington will be broadcast June, 2016.
Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.
CANNES – It was revealed today that Lars Von Trier has infiltrated the Cannes jury but it is as yet unclear which jury member has the Danish controversialist hidden somewhere within them.
The Croisette was on red alert last night as it emerged that Lars Von Trier has somehow managed to infiltrate the Cannes Jury. Presidents of the Jury Joel and Ethan Coen released a joint statement in which they both said that the Nymphomaniac director had been detected via special irony machines set up for that very purpose by the Gendarmes.
We knew something like this might happen. What we didn’t know was how clsoe he would get. We know he is actually inside one of the members of the jury. How he did this is as yet unclear, though our money is on a Fantastic Voyage type of shrinking machine.
Where could Lars Von Trier be?
Rossy de Palma (Actress – Spain)
She would make the perfect host. Utterly charming and unsuspecting and plus Von Trier would be attracted to the dusky southern lady.
Sophie Marceau (Actress, Director – France)
Unlikely. Sophie is a waifish figure unlikely to hide the gross presence of the Breaking the Waves director.
Sienna Miller (Actress – United Kingdom)
Lars Von Trier might try to infect the impressionable American born but UK based actress. Would she have the will to resist his MIND POWERS?
Rokia Traoré (Composer, Singer-songwriter – Mali)
Although not strictly speaking a racist, Von Trier is a Nazi and so his Aryan nature is unlikely to mix well with the Malian singer.
Guillermo del Toro (Director, Writer, Producer – Mexico)
Perhaps the obvious place to look. The Pacific Rim director has room enough for a whole Dogma movement.
Xavier Dolan (Director, Writer, Producer, Actor – Canada)
Canadian prodigy Xavier Dolan has had a string of critical successes. How could one so young be so artistically mature? Perhaps if there was a great Dane lurking within the state of Xavier.
Jake Gyllenhaal (Actor – United States)
We all know how much Lars Von Trier loves Hollywood movies and none more so than the Prince of Persia. In many ways Gylenhaal would be the perfect place to find one’s very own private Brokeback Mountain.
HOLLYWOOD – Lars Von Trier admitted today that after a year on the wagon, he has begun drinking again because ‘it tastes good and it makes me feel squiffy’.
Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, the Danish director of Nymphomaniac, Melancholia and Breaking the Waves Lars Von Trier said:
I tried not to drink for a year, attended AA meetings and the like, but beer tastes really nice and if I have a couple of pints of the stuff, I don’t know what it is but my face feels warm and I have this sense of pleasant well-being.
But what about the drawbacks to alcohol dependency?
I don’t know about dependency. I mean there might be some drawbacks. I do tend to act a bit silly if I have a bottle of wine. And I have occasionally done the odd interview a little worse for wear and then I wake up in the morning and see the newspaper and BANG! I think ‘Oh my God! What have I done?’
Is that what was responsible for…?
The Hitler comments at Cannes. Yes. You see I’d just had a snakebite with Kirsten Dunst and I was feeling loosey-goosey. But those bloody French are so serious. They were all Nazi this and Nazi that. I didn’t realize it would be so controversial. After all Mel Gibson was appearing at the same festival so I thought they like Nazis. After that I swore never to do interviews again.
But you’re doing one now.
Am I? You’re not a journalist. You’re my best friend. Yes you are. I… I…. I love you.
I can’t breath. Please release me from this affectionate headlock and stop rubbing my head with your knuckles.
Lars Von Trier’s next film 1000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall will be released in 2016.
CANNES – As we prepare for ten days of debauchery interrupted by some ‘films’ what do we REALLY know about the 67th French Film Festival called Cannes?
The Studio Exec FACT team are on the Croissette.
1. Cannes is called Cannes, because Cannes is French for Cans, and films – before they could be illegally downloaded -used to come in cans!
2. The top prize at Cannes is the Palme D’Or. Initially, the Palme D’Or was a sexual act that could be performed alone, but with time it became synonymous with art house cinema and especially the films of Lars Von Trier.
3. Lars Von Trier was declared ‘Persona Non Grata’ at the 2011 festival after making jokes about being a Nazi. Persona Non Grata is Latin and roughly translates as ‘Here’s a lot of Publicity for Free’.
4. The head of the Jury this year is Jane Campion. She is a woman. You heard it right. A. Woman.
5. The Croissette is the name given to the Crescent of the beach on which Cannes is situated. Every day at twelve o clock they fire an American Independent filmmaker out of a cannon at the castle in the old town to mark the hour. Since 1989 this honor has been reserved to winners of the Sundance Film Festival.
For more Cannes coverage CLICK HERE for more FACTS click over here.
PARIS – The jury for the 67th Cannes Film Festival was announced this afternoon in Paris, France.
The nine member jury will join Jury President Jane Campion in sifting through the competition on the Croisette and awarding the coveted Palme d’Or.
Film makers, actors and mathematicians Will and Jaden Smith will join Kevin James and Lindsay Lohan to represent the best Hollywood has to offer. Dutch shock master Tom Six and persona non grata Lars Von Trier are going to be there to represent misogyny and anti-Semitism. South Korean pop sensation PSY and Xi Ling the Chinese director of the seven hour epic A Film You Only Pretend (You Have Seen) will also be in attendance. And representing Palestinian, Iranian, Iraqi and Israeli cinema will be former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who apparently elected himself spokesperson for the region in all matters.
The Cannes Film Festival runs from May 15th to the 25th and we will be there.
COPENHAGEN – Late last night famous Danish film maker Lars Von Trier was rushed to hospital after reportedly exploding near his home in Stockholm.
The incident occured after a party Mr. von Trier was hosting was beginning to split up and although the cause of the explosion has not yet been fully understood, the police have ruled out external causes and friends said that the Dogme director was looking increasingly swollen and ‘pent up’ in the weeks leading up to the bang.
Rutger Hauer, who was at the party explained one theory: ‘Lars gave up doing interviews about a year and a half ago after he was declared persona non grata at Cannes following his remarks about perhaps being a Nazi. Since then he has just been swelling and swelling with all the controversial stuff he wants to say.’
The condition worsened when plans to make Nymphomaniac an explicit film about the awakening of sexuality in an old woman, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. The cast list has been growing as the Antichrist director grabbed anyone not working on Terrence Malick’s Knight of Cups. Friends also pointed out that von Trier was furious to hear that his arch rival, enemy and nemesis, Michael Haneke, had got a plum job working wioth the Farrelly brothers (for more on which CLICK HERE). ‘That Austrian arsehole,’ Trier was reported to have blurted. ‘He gets the Kingpin guys and what do I get? Shia LaBeouf’s hairy cock!’
However, some of these theories have been discounted and Wilem Dafoe claimed a faulty fondue was probably to blame.
Mr. von Trier’s condition is doctor’s say ‘highly unstable, though thought provoking.’