NEW YORK – In a desperate bid to increase his ebbing notoriety, disgraced Tour de France cyclist Lance Armstrong has ridden his bike into famous antipodean film star Nicole Kidman

A spokesman for Stretch Armstrong – as he likes to be known – says that Kidman is just the first in what he hopes will be a celebrity bicycle blitz of epic proportions:

Lance has drawn up a long list of celebrities he’s been dying to ride over on his bike, including Ron Howard, Russell Crowe, Naomi Watts and Oprah Winfrey. It is only a matter of time before someone is going to get seriously hurt. Lance thinks it’s hilarious and win him back public sympathy. 

A witness to the incident said that Ms. Kidman was reeling with shock. Initially assuming that the incident was an assassination attempt on behalf of arch rival Jessica Chastain. But relief came later in the day when it was revealed that Ms. Chastain had been knocked over a few hours later by Mr. Armstong who had decided for the deuce.  

Donations to the Livestrong Foundation’s campaign ‘Lance Armstrong runs over 100 celebrities’ should be sent directly to the site. 


I don’t know how to ride a bike

HOLLYWOOD – Bradley Cooper – in preparation for playing disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong in the new JJJ Abrams’ film Stretch Armstrong – has stated categorically that he won’t be playing Lance Armstrong, disgraced cyclist. ‘I have no intention nor have I ever intended to participate in any film whatsoever about this man or this subject,’ Cooper said today, fixing us with a steely stare. ‘I don’t even know who Lance Armstrong is.’

JJJ Abrams was also being cagey. He looked wretched in a hat, having just discovered that you shouldn’t shine lights into the camera as it causes what cameramen refer to as flare: ‘No one told me,’ he whined.
Cooper is already training, doing a staggering three miles of road work every day followed by a punishing three minute stint at the gym, which is usually only enough time to set up his iPod.

Stretch Armstrong is due to start filming in Norway on the 13th of April, 2013.


Director Ron Howard has announced his next project will be a full length feature based around the controversial Oprah Winfrey/Lance Armstrong interview.

I’ll be following the same template as Frost/Nixon” said a buoyant Howard.

We’ve known this interview was going to take place for a few weeks and so we’ve already got our two leads. Michael Sheen was the obvious for Lance but unfortunately he’s busy playing the voice of Henry Spencer in Pixar’s animated remake of Eraserhead

We auditioned Brad Pitt but unfortunately the man reeked so strongly of Chanel No5 my casting director passed out and had to be taken into hospital. In the end it was a choice between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck so we did the sensible thing and cast Aaron Eckhart.”

As for the role of Winfrey, Howard only had one actor in mind.

This film just wouldn’t work unless we got the right person to play Oprah and for me, Tyler Perry is the only man who can do the role justice.”

We asked Howard how Eckhart and Perry had been preparing for the roles.

Well Aaron has been cycling a lot and we’ve been giving him various performance enhancing drugs and upping his dosage day by day. He’s become very irate and his doctor informs me the speed of his body hair growth has quadrupled but he can do the 100 metres on his bike in 8.76 seconds. As for Tyler he’s just bought another wig for his Madea costume.”

Oprah/Armstrong is due for release in December 2013