Lana Wachowski Archives -

THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS EXPLAINED

HOLLYWOOD – Have you recently watched The Matrix Resurrections and was left thinking what the f**k was that all about? Never fear, The Studio Exec is here to guide you through the plot and events of the latest instalment in this binary baffling blockbuster franchise. So sit back, relax and take your red pill while we explain The Matrix Resurrections.

The Matrix Resurrections Explained

Ok, right. Where do we start? Neo isn’t dead and he’s back in The Matrix, only this time he’s the creator of The Matrix. No, wait, that’s not right. Let’s go back to the start. There’s a replay of the opening scenes from the original Matrix movie. But it’s not Trinity, well it kind of is but isn’t. And Agent Smith isn’t Agent Smith, but he kind of is. And then Morpheus isn’t Morpheus, but he kind of is… but isn’t. And they don’t need landlines anymore to get out, but do they? Are you following this so far? It’s really quite simple.

Woah Dude!

So Neo isn’t Neo anymore, he’s back to being Mr Anderson, but this time, there’s been a massive reboot deal kind of thing and now he wrote the original Matrix along with some really lazily written ‘gamer types’ because that’s not who this film is for anymore.

My Blue Pill Heaven

The Matrix is now for people in their 40s and 50s. They fill the massive child-shaped gap in their lives with ‘articles of truth’ that can only be found on Facebook and shitty parts of Twitter. They’ll happily explain to you how we’re all controlled by the ‘liberal mass media’. And The Matrix is a metaphor for this. They’ll usually be found at your cousin’s party (a friend of a friend, but nobody ever admits to directly being their friend) in the kitchen, opening everyone’s eyes and ignoring the knowing glances being exchanged by anyone who can hear the bullshit coming from them. But back to The Matrix Resurrections.

Café Neo

There’s a great deal of coffee drunk, longing stares and backwards looks while we all wait for the McGuffin to kick in and we can start watching them hammer the shit out of everything. Thankfully, there’s no 20 minute dance sequences in this one and this is more meta than an Interdimensional Cable episode of Rick and Morty. But beware, there’s no Ball Fondlers.

Fight Or Flight?

But then there’s a thing they have to fight for, and so begins all the Kapow! Thwap! Bang! Brum-bruuuum! And somehow there’s suicide bombers and lots of bullet time with Neo endlessly holding back bullets. The ending plays like a cross between the endings of Thelma and Louise and The Blues Brothers. And then that’s it. We wait for the numbers to kick in, to see if it’s worth making another or just flog it to death on next-gen consuls. Oh, I nearly forgot, who the f**k did that Rage Against The Machine cover at the end? If ever there was a reason to take the blue pill, that was it.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Currently In Cinemas

JUPITER ASCENDING 2 ‘WILL HAVE SMALLER BUDGET’

HOLLYWOOD – Following the high profile flop of Jupiter Ascending, few thought that a sequel was likely or desirable but a scaled down Jupiter Ascending sequel is now on the cards.

The Wachowski Sisters are to direct a sequel to last year’s Jupiter Ascending, it has been revealed, but with a much reduced budget. Mila Kunis will not return as Jupiter Jones, the Earth woman who takes on the villains, nor will Channing Tatum as the hybrid man-dog Caine Wise. They have been replaced by Lindsay Lohan and Hayden Christensen.

The Wachowskis slipped into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the new pic.

Lana said:

We really roasted the studio on the last one and there was no way in this solar system that they would put up the money to take a bath on the sequel as well. And yet we still felt that we had a story to tell. A truly compelling story.

Lilly: Yeah, there was no way they were going to help us out unless we cut the money right back. Mila and Channing were really cool about it. We showed them what we intended to do about the story and how we couldn’t afford them anymore and they seemed really happy.

Lana: True professionals.

LIlly: So then we got Lindsay Lohan and Hayden Christensen.

So they were cheaper?

Lana: $5000 each.

That’s amazingly cheap!

Lilly: We felt bad asking them for more.

Oh, they’re paying?

Lana: Er, yeah.

And the story?

Lilly: What story?

Lana: The story is a continuation, but instead of having lots of expensive effects it’s going to take place in a garage that needs tidying up.

Lilly: We do have some exteriors of lawns being mown and basic landscape gardening being done. And the style is going to be a lot more handheld.

Lana: As if filmed on a phone.

Lilly: And we’re changing the title.

Jupiter Descending will be released in 2020.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

SCRIPT LEAK: THE MATRIX REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – We received a script leak that purports to be an early draft of The Matrix Reboot.

The Matrix reboot is taking place, whether we want it or not. The Studio Exec has received an early draft of the script. We decided to publish and Warner Bros. be damned. Here it is:

MORPHEUS and NEO sit in a dark green room. Morpheus opens his hands to reveal that in each palm there rests a pill. One is red and one is blue. Speaking very slowly Morpheus explains.

MORPHEUS

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

NEO (confused)

Well, I…

MORPHEUS

Remember: all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.

Neo takes the blue pill.

THE END.

For more Script Leaks, Click Here.

THE WACHOWSKIS ‘STILL ALLOWED TO MAKE FILMS’

HOLLYWOOD – The world of show business was shocked today to learn the Wachowski siblings were still permitted to direct films.

Following the disasters of Cloud Atlas and Speed Racer, Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, many had believed that there would be some kind of legal mechanism which would keep Lena and Andy Wachowski as far as possible from a director’s chair and camera as humanly possible, tying them up and putting them in some kind of cage if necessary.
However, the Studio Exec has it on good authority that alongside a sequel to Cloud Atlas currently being prepped, the Wachowskis also have a film which will be released in July. Jupiter Ascending is described as a sequel to Space Nugget 3D, the Dan Harmon film which will open Cannes this year.

Lana Wachowski telephoned in the early hours of the morning to tell us more:

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter Jones, a janitor with a genetic secret that she is actually the future leader of the universe. Channing Tatum is a guy sent back to rescue and protect her.

How does it connect to Space Nugget 3D?

Space Nugget 3D exists in the same universe, but the stories are very different. We are hoping to put in some in-jokes for those Nugget-heads who are in the know, but it won’t be necessary to have seen Space Nugget 3D in order to enjoy Jupiter Ascending, although knowing Dan Harmon’s work I would advise everyone to go and see it anyway.

How do you respond to those who believe your work is an abomination and you shouldn’t be allowed to make any more films?

Oh they’re absolutely right. But as long as someone gives us the money we’re going to carry on. Ha ha ha. Ha.

Jupiter Jones will be released in July, 2015.

CLOUD ATLAS 2 ‘WON’T MAKE ANY SENSE EITHER’

BERLIN – Following on from the massive commercial and critical success of Cloud Atlas a sequel was almost inevitable and so it has proved with the Wachowski siblings and Tom Twyker announcing their follow up Cloud Dictionary to be filmed in 68 different countries over a time span of 5 million years and featuring Tom Hanks in 28 different roles.

Lana Wachowski – credited by many as the brains behind Speed Racer – outlined their plans for the film:

With the original film we were constrained by David Mitchell’s novel which although experimental in structure and broad in scope didn’t really allow for the revolutionary view of cinema we have in mind. With Cloud Dictionary, we look forward to making the intertwining narratives more numerous and the make up less and less realistic.

Tom Twyker added that ‘the music will once more be the best thing in it. And is really the only reason I agreed to do the film.’

Tom Hanks will again star, as will Halle Berry and Hugo Weaving both of whom issued statements saying they’ve been finding it difficult to get work lately. Ben Wishaw however will not reprise his role(s) due to a prior commitment ‘to be in good films.’

Cloud Dictionary is due for release in 2015.

THE WACHOWSKIS TO REMAKE THE FAMOUS FIVE

**DORSET – Creators of the Matrix trilogy Andy and Lana Wachowski have signed up to direct an updated version of Enid Blyton’s beloved adventure series The Famous Five.**

‘They were our favourite children’s books,’ said a caffeinated Lana.

In many ways everything we have ever written has been inspired by Blyton. There are shades of Uncle Quentin in Morpheus and obvious similarities between our lesbian bondage film Bound and the novel Five go to Billycock Hill. In fact we borrowed so much, we sent a copy of the movie to the Blyton Estate to ask if we should give Enid a writing credit but they never got back to us.

Set in the British county of Dorset during the 1940s, the quintessentially middle class tales of George, Julian, Dick, Anne and Timmy the Dog sold millions of copies up until the 1990s when their popularity began to wane.

It’s understandable that many modern children think the books are twee and old fashioned, [said Andy.] So we’ve taken the basic ingredients and updated them. Kirren Island is now Kirren X, a small planet just beyond the fringes of our solar system. Only the Famous Five, who all have telepathic powers and superhuman strength, know this planet exists and during the school holidays they travel to Kirren in their ginger beer fuelled space buggy in search of adventure. It’s kind of a futuristic sci-fi version but we’ve retained the spirit of the novels so expect the odd racist reference to blacks and gypsies and an overt disdain of the working classes.

Asked who they had in mind for the coveted roles Lana revealed they have already cast the main characters.

We originally wanted Eddie Murphy to play every role and he was keen to do it but then somebody pointed out that Murphy was a 52 year old black man and why didn’t we just hire 4 young white actors and a Labrador. It took us time to change our mind set but eventually we brought in Jason Segel, Chris Pratt, Emily Blunt and Katherine Heigl.

The Famous Five is due for release in 2015.