KRISTEN STEWART SUES BAFTA

HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart sues BAFTA for defamation of character portrayal as the British Academy snubs her in this year’s awards. A spokesperson for the Royal Family has also confirmed she will be doing so as a ‘private citizen’. So, as Kristen Stewart sues BAFTA, The Exec sat down to speak to her about this litigious decision.

So Kristen, This Seems Like Drastic Action To Take?

You will address me as Her Royal Highness, Princess Of Hearts, what-what-what.

Eh? But You ARE Kristen Stewart. The Actress. Diana Was A Character You Portrayed.

You utter buffoon. You sound exactly like those proletariat, Windsor-minions at BAFTA. They have their tongues so far up the Royal family’s what-have-you it was obvious they were never going to nominate one for Best Actress. What-what-what.

But Is It Right To Expect Nominations?

Look ‘ere, Miles, if that even is your real name. One did not become another person for nothing y’know. I went to the trouble of being possessed for this picture. For What? Just to have those Gin swigging BAFTA oiks to ignore one? We are not amused. That lot wouldn’t know a decent performance if it bit them on their civil list. What-what-what.

What Do You Hope To Achieve With This Court Action?

One isn’t doing it for one’s self y’know. One is taking this action for all the other A-list actors out there. Those brave souls taking highly paid roles with the reasonable expectation of snagging a statuette or seven. One wants to stand on stages and know that people love me. LOVE ME! All my subjects must love me. The adoration of common movie attendees along with perfume advertising paychecks is not enough. One must have awards. What-what-what.

That Sounds Very Noble Of You

Well, one is nobility, after all. Hahahaha! What-what-what.

The BAFTA Awards Take Place On March 13th

KRISTEN STEWART SUES CHARLES FOR ALIMONY

Breaking News – Kristen Stewart sues Charles for alimony after claiming she had ‘weird, spiritual feelings’ playing Princess Diana in her new film, Spencer. With years of backdated child support owing, which could cost the Windsors millions of pounds, Kristen Stewart sues Charles. The Exec caught up with the actress to discuss the impending court case.

Kristen, Can you Tell Us Why-

Look here, what-what-what. You shall address one by one’s correct title. That is ‘Your Royal Highness, Princess Of Hearts’. What-what-what.

Okay, If You Insist, Your Royal Highness, Princess Of Hearts.

That’s much better, what-what-what. It occurred to one while shooting one’s biopic, Spencer, that one’s ex, that is Prince Charles, owes me alimony. He’s never paid me a penny in child support.

I Don’t Like To Say This, But You’re Not Diana Spencer. She’s Been Dead For Years. You’re Kristen Stewart. A wonderful actress. But An Actress Nonetheless. Not Princess Diana.

Awf with his head! One has never been so insulted.

She Never Said Off With His Head – That’s The Queen Of Hearts in Alice In Wonderland.

How dare you sir. I am – That is – One is beloved the world round. Charities queue up out of the door for my patronage. I make them millions of pounds. One tried to deal with this amicably, but Prince Charles wouldn’t take my agent’s calls. The way one sees it, one is spiritually channeling Diana. Because one is the embodiment of all that she stood for. Charity, motherhood, ummm… opening hospitals and that. So, one is owed plenty dollar. We were not amused.

That was Queen Victoria

Let me state the position. Ladies first, yes?

 

Queen Latifah

I want to break free from your lies?

 

Freddie Mercury From Queen

Oh FUCK YOU!

There we go.

Buckingham Palace Were Not Available For Comment. Spencer Is Out In Cinemas On November 5th.

KRISTEN STEWART GETS A BUCKET OF PENCILS FOR HER BIRTHDAY

HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart expressed perplexity at her birthday gift.

Twilight and Personal Shopper star Kristen Stewart today responded with perplexity at receiving a bucket of pencils for her 31st birthday.

Talking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, she said:

I mean, I don’t want to be ungrateful, but pencils? And in a bucket? It doesn’t feel like the most uhm…

Appropriate?

Yeah, I guess. Appropriate gift to be giving a thirty one year old woman. I mean uhm… what?

Maybe it’s because you are creative. Artistic like.

Uhm. Okay? I guess. But err… why in a bucket? I mean the way champagne comes in a bucket, okay that I understand. But why put pencils in a bucket?

It makes them easier to carry around. 

I suppose so. So you think I just walk around with a bucket full of colored pencils so I can do um … drawings I guess?

Or coloring in.

Coloring in. Yeah. I guess, er … that makes a bit more sense.

We kept the receipt.

You did? Oh! Wow. I don’t suppose… I mean I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything like that. But you know I can think of something else that I need.

Oh right. What?

There are these erasers that are shaped like hamburgers and they smell like them too. They’re um … neat.

Kristen Stewart will appear in Spenser soon.

 

KRISTEN STEWART: PRINCESS DIANA AND I BOTH HAVE TILTY HEAD DISEASE

HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart talks about playing Princess Diana in the new film Spencer.

Kristen Stewart revealed that her new role as Princess Diana opened up to her for very personal reasons. In an EXCLUSIVE interview with the Studio Exec, Patrick Stewart’s daughter had this to say:

I look at myself and Diana and the similarities are manifold. We both became very famous, very young. We were both the victims of a huge amount of press attention. And yet the real similarity, the core of the character that I sort of latched on to, was the fact that we both from a very young age suffered from Tilty Head Disease.

Tilty Head Disease (or THD) is a neurological condition that causes the muscles in the neck to weaken forcing the sufferer to peer up at you with their head at an angle.

As an actress it’s very important that you control your body. So THD was a very real problem for me. It was only when I read in a magazine that Princess Di also had this disease that I felt confident enough to pursue my career. Yes, I struggled. But in the end with her inspiration I got through it. And now I’m here playing here. It’s nuts.

How did Tilty Head Disease affect Diana?

Well, most obviously the problem of the crown she had to wear. It would keep sliding off and bouncing off her shoulder and onto the floor. To avoid this she took to wearing tiaras, which until then were like no way. Also it affected the way she related to the press. It’s really hurtful to see some of the footage of her and the press are screaming: ‘Look up Diana! Why are you looking are the ground Diana? Oh God her hat’s fallen off again!’ She was a martyr in many ways.

Is it true the THD could also have contributed to her death?

I don’t know about that, but there is a theory that she needed a chauffeur because she couldn’t see through the windscreen properly.

Spencer comes out in 2021.

JULIETTE BINOCHE TO STAR IN MOVIE AGAINST 5G

PARIS – Juliette Binoche is to make a film about the evils of 5G.

News from France rumors that Juliette Binoche will star in a film about 5G. Bruno Dumont will direct and write the film which is going to be called Sotisses.

Speaking with the Studio Exec, a source close to the production had this to say:

Everybody is tres scared of the Coronavirus, but some know that the reason behind all that’s happened in 2020 is because of a few individuals. Juliette reads a lot and she has followed the news closely. She believes that the Coronavirus was created in a laboratory by Bill Gates.

Your voice is very familiar. Are you actually Juliette Binoche?

Oh no! C’est ridicule! No, I am her assistant played by Kristen Stewart.

I see. Bill Gates? 

Oui. He created the virus and then he used the 5G towers to transmit it. And now when they have a vaccine they will inject little mignons…

Mignons?

Oui, like in the movie, Despicable Moi. Mignons. Little yellow people into our blood and they will be able to trace us no matter where we go.

Why do they need to do that?

To control us. They going to enslave us. It is very good. I saw this English philosopher and scientist: David Icke on YouTube and he was very convincing.

But he’s crazy!

He used to be a goalkeeper.

So what is the film going to be about?

I play a woman who is infected with the Mignons. And they control my body. And make me do some very funny things. Like Iì’m in a cake shop and I start throwing all these things. What do you call them?

Cakes. 

Yes cakes. Ha ha. Tres drole.

What has this to do with 5G?

I expose the Gates and the Soros and all those people and what it is they are trying to do. Then they start to hunt me down, but the Mignons I have charmed and they are very happy to help me. And then at the end we sing a song. We sing: ‘Too Shy’ by Kajagoogoo.

But Juliette, why are you doing this? We love you. We loved you in Amants du pont neuf, The English Patient and Three Colors Blue. And so many others. Why are you espousing these nutso conspiracy theories?

Perhaps it is the Mignons. Perhaps they are already inside me. How am I talking to you even now? On a phone. Oh my God. It is a 5G network! I knew it.

Sotisses is out in 2022.

PATRICK STEWART DISOWNS DAUGHTER, KRISTEN STEWART

 LONDON – A furious and obviously upset Patrick Stewart today disowned his daughter Kristen Stewart, following her scandalous behavior.

“She is not my daughter,” he said, emphatically and harshly; if understandably.

Everyone on the planet has been united in disgust at the slatternly behavior the Kristen Stewart used in tempting Rupert Sanders, who is but flesh and blood – away from the holy sanctity of marital bliss. Now her father Patrick Stewart has added his voice of condemnation. We caught Xavier Picard (as he prefers to be known) coming out of the Dury Lane theater and asked him for his opinion on his daughter’s behavior, “You mean Sophia, what about Sophia?”

“No, we mean Kristen Stewart?”

“She’s not my daughter!” he said, the fateful words that rang like a knell on the filial relationship. He laughed, probably to hide the pain. “Where on Earth did you get that notion?”

“So you are publicly disowning her?”

“She’s not my daughter,” Stewart said, hiding the tears. “We just have the same surname. It’s quite a common surname.”

But we continued to question him about how disgusted he must have felt about the news until he got quite angry and shouted, “She is not my daughter!” before jumping into a famous London black taxi and fleeing the scene of his public agony.

Twilight: the Next Generation is due out in 2017.

CORRECTION: KRISTEN STEWART’S COMMENTS DIDN’T PRAISE HITLER

SUNDANCE – We would like to correct an interview with Kristen Stewart published in Studio Exec today which has since been taken down.

In the interview, Kristen Stewart, who is in Sundance to promote her new film with Kelly Reichardt Certain Women, made some comments which were erroneously transcribed and then published.

In the interview Ms. Stewart said:

I really enjoyed working with Kelly. I think she’s a very strong woman and in the film-making scene today we need more women like Kelly standing up and making vital and challenging cinema, not just because they’re women, but because they’re movies are original and rock.

This was unfortunately mis-transcribed and reported as saying:

I really enjoy watching old Nazi propaganda films. I love Hitler. He was the best. That little mustache? I mean, yeah I’d hit that. What we really need now is a new Hitler. I mean I could do it, but I’m busy.

And while responding to a question about beef jerky, her answer was correctly reported as ‘Yuk, I don’t like that at all’, the question was unfortunately mis-written as ‘So the Jews?’

We offer our sincere apologies to Kristen Stewart and wish her all the luck in the world with her new movie Triumph of Certain Women.

DAVID DUCHOVNY BRINGS BACK RED SHOE DIARIES

HOLLYWOOD – First we hear The X-Files is coming back and now David Duchovny has revealed that popular nineties erotic anthology show The Red Shoe Diaries are also coming back.

Of course everyone is excited about the return of Twin Peaks and some even more so about the imminent revisiting by Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) in “The X-Files”, but for some of us David Duchovny will always be the gate keeper to television erotica that was “The Red Shoe Diaries”. Running throughout the 90s and directed by Zalman King and Raphael Eisenman, the anthology show featured Duchovny in the role of Jack Winters, a man whose lover has committed suicide and who asks women to write in letters describing their knocking off experiences in a quest to understand the mystery that is woman.

The Californication star dropped by the Studio Exec hot tub to talk EXCLUSIVELY about what had got the creative juices flowing once more:

You know how it is, you get to a stage in your career and you simply don’t want new challenges. You want to go back to the old challenges and see if you can do them over and better. I was in Aquarius and that was quite good and Californication, but really I wanted to get back to the X-Files and once I was doing that I thought why don’t we do Jack Winters again. I’m really curious to find out, where is Jack today and what, in the age of internet pornography, is he doing with himself.

And what’s the answer?

He’s been spending a lot of time in his room and he’s lost weight! No, I’m only kidding you. The fact of the matter is the more we  allow a free run of our desires – 5 Shades of Grey etc. – the more mysterious the become and the more alienated we become from them. It’s the paradox of our time that we have all these freedoms and what do we fantasize about? Being tied up and told what to do. It’s as if capitalism had a direct through line to our id.

What everybody loved about the original – apart from the cinematography and music – were the high end cameos. Who have you got lined up for the new show?

Kristen Stewart, Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain, Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis…

Wow!

…are just a few of the actresses who have turned us down. But I’m hoping to pull some strings and maybe we can persuade Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid to make an appearance. Steve Buscemi is definitely in for the pilot. Which ironically is going to be about a pilot! Ha!

The Red Show Diaries will be broadcast early next year.

WHY BRUCE WILLIS WAS FIRED FROM WOODY ALLEN MOVIE

NEW YORK – Woody Allen today revealed for the first time why Bruce Willis left his new movie, even though shooting had already begun with the actor.

When Bruce Willis left the new Woody Allen as yet untitled movie, rumors immediately began to fly as to the reason. The official explanation was that it was due to scheduling problems as Willis was due to appear on Broadway in an adaptation of the Stephen King novel Misery. However, Woody Allen popped in to the Studio Exec New York penthouse to dish the dirt.

So Woody, how come Bruce left the new picture?

Oh he isn’t funny. The man is not funny. I remember him being wonderful in Moonlighting, a real light touch but something must have happened and he just hasn’t got it anymore. I thought he was good in Moonrise Kingdom as well. So when I was directing him, I said “how come you’re not funny? And you were funny in Moonrise Kingdom and Moonlighting, so what is it?” and he told me that he was only funny if there was a moon in the title. So I decided right there and then to change the title of the movie from Blintzes Ahoy! to Moon, but then someone told me there was already a movie called that and then someone else, I think it was Alan Alda told me that I’d made a film recently called Magic in the Moonlight, so I changed the title back! And goodbye Bruce.

Jesus! How’d he take it?

He was angry but I got the feeling that he was relieved. Rumor is he doesn’t really like working that much anyway. Turned out that Sylvester Stallone had fired him from Expendables 3 and I think Bruce just isn’t that interested anymore.

Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart are still in the cast however and filming continues.

The Twilight Blintzes Network will be released in 2016.

CAMP X-RAY: REVIEW

Bella from Twilight has joined the army where she forms a tentative relationship with a disgruntled Harry Potter fan.

Kristen Stewart stars as Amy Cole, a young army recruit whose career begins with a tour of duty in Gitmo where detainees (not prisoners, importantly) are kept in an endless para-legal purgatory. Here she meets Detainee Amir Ali (Payman Moaadi), a man whom we have seen arrested eight years earlier. He has been brutalised and reduced until he maintains a thin sliver of humanity through futile gestures of rebellion. ‘If I obey the rules than I admit your right to make the rules,’ he tells Cole. Initially the two are hostile, exchanging insults as Amir demands the seventh Harry Potter novel which he feels is being kept from him to torment him further, but Cole begins to see the injustice of the system of which she is a part and an essential kinship between them as both marginalised individuals.

Debut writer and director Peter Sattler does a good job with the day to day life of the inmates and the guards who are themselves reduced to unfeeling automatons, killing time until they can be rotated out. ‘Better than being in Iraq,’ one guard suggests to a whithering look from Cole.  The film is well shot and for the most part avoids cliché, but the problem with the film is its restraint. The film isn’t really about Guatanamo at all, but rather about a young American woman going through an unusual and original rights of passage. She will have to overcome the sexism and bullying of her nasty CPL Randy (?) played by Lane Garrison. She will learn to understand the limits of her own ambition and befriend the monster in his den like that other Bella from Beauty and the Beast. The beast who cannot be transformed (for legal and political reasons) Amir is reduced to a heart-warming learning moment and the inadequacy of this response to the injustices meted on him and his fellow prisoners is played out in an ending so bathetic as to be almost intentionally insulting. To hgive everyone the benefit of the doubt, I would say that Sattler was being forced into some kind of upbeat resolution and so sabotaged it by making it as pat as possible.

But ultimately, the film tries to put a gloss on a horrible situation by simply ignoring it, a solution President Obama adopted shortly after taking office.

For more Movie Reviews CLICK HERE  

MICHAEL SHEEN DISOWNS BROTHER CHARLIE

HOLLYWOOD – Masters of Sex star Michael Sheen shocked friends and family today when he disowned his brother, tiger blood owner and a self-proclaimed master of sex Charlie Sheen.

Speaking to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, the star of The Damned United and Frost/Nixon said:

Charlie Sheen? No, he’s not my brother. We have the same last name but that’s as far as it goes.

So you’re not on speaking terms?

No. I mean I’ve not had the opportunity.

How does your father Martin Sheen feel about this estrangement?

Martin Sheen is not my father.

Wow! So you’re disowning your father as well?

I’m not disowning him. I’m just telling you that we’re not related. There’s no blood relation. He’s just – again – got the same name as me.

Emilio Estevez…

No relation. Not even the same name.

What caused this rupture? I mean, I can understand Charlie’s a bit of a loose cannon but Emilio and Martin? They seem to be fairly nice people.

Look I see where you’re going with this but it really is a complete waste of my time, your time and your readers’ time. Why aren’t you asking the real questions a journalist should ask.

For instance?

Why Patrick Stewart has refused to acknowledged his daughter Kristen Stewart all these years.

Already done Michael. Already done (and for more on that story click here).

Okay. Fair enough, I’ll tell you. I was the youngest of the Sheen litter. From day one Charlie and Emilio were held up to me as shining examples and I was disgraced because due to a genetic defect I was born with this weird British accent. Martin Sheen might be a wonderful president on the West Wing, but as a father he was cold and distant, often refusing to communicate with me except via registered post. If I put something on Facebook about how well I’m doing he always comments ‘dislike’. And you ask me why I don’t talk to them? Do you know what last Thanksgiving was like? They’re talking about Apocalypse Now, Repo Man and Wall Street. I try to say something about Underworld and they all do that weird shrill scream I did in Twilight until I stopped talking. Is that your definition of a family? So there’s your answer.

Masters of Sex is on Showtime.

SYRIAN CIVIL WAR PAUSES AS KRISTEN STEWART AND ROBERT PATTINSON REUNITE

DAMASCUS – Today the guns outside Aleppo fell silent, in the Middle East Palestinian militants and Israeli settlers broke bread, children from North and South Korea met on the DMZ and danced to the sound of an old Paul McCartney record.

Is it true? Is the news really true? Are Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson back together (in time for the blu-ray release of the Twilight Saga’s final installment, Breaking Dawn: Part Two)?
 Studio Exec can exclusively reveal – along with much of the world’s press and many thousands of internet sites – that yes someone who said something who knows someone has said that yes, the great misery guts, bong-toker and mope-face Kristen Stewart has sought and received the forgiveness of the toothsome Mr. Pattinson. President Obama and Governor Romney joined together on the lawn of the Rose Garden and Mitt – playing acoustic guitar and singing harmony – went through six of their favorite Simon and Garfunkel songs.

The new Pope issued a statement saying that usually he hates young people and love and all that ‘shit’ but he has always loved K.Stew and R.Patz and was ‘stoked’ for the final film in the Mormon vampire epic.

Can this be the new dawn? The dare we say it Breaking Dawn Part Two of a new era?

Even as we write these words news has reached us that the ice caps have decided to freeze back up and scientist agree that global warming has somehow miraculously been reversed. By the power of love.

ROBERT PATTINSON AND KRISTEN STEWART TEAM UP FOR DIRTY DANCING REMAKE

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze


HOLLYWOOD – On again off again couple of the moment Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will be teaming up one more time for the remake of beloved dance musical Dirty Dancing to be directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Pattinson plays dance instructor Johnny Castle, originally played by Patrick Swayze, who teaches young Frances ‘Baby’ Houseman (Stewart, taking over from Jennifer Grey) the ways of love and sex fuelled dancing.

Francis Ford Coppola – director of such masterpieces as The Godfather, The Conversation and Apocalypse Now – said that he was looking forward to being back in the game.

I won’t deny it, life has been tough recently. It’s like everything I touch turns to shit. And then the business is very cruel. (Sobbing) I’m not very proud of myself. I went to some dark places. I even made a film with Val Kilmer. Val goddam Kilmer!

 Rob.son and K.art – as they prefer to be known – said in perfect synchronicity that they were looking forward to working together again.

Every time we appear apart in a film, bad things happen, whether it’s Water for Elephants or On the Road. We are hoping to recapture the magic of Twilight, but with you know, dancing. Dirty dancing. Like the name of the film. 

So who are you going to be rooting for Team Castle or Team Baby? Leave a comment and tell us what you think. And be sure and follower us on Twitter, or you know wherever.

Dirtier Dancing will be released in 2015.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 8: KRISTEN STEWART


A bong, animal crackers, pomegranate juice

I meet Kristen Stewart in the midst of the publicity tour for her new and final Twilight film: Breaking Dawn Part Two. ‘It’s like Godfather Part Two,’ she tells me. ‘But you know, not that good.’


Away from the media glare, Kirsten is an unassuming kindhearted young women who spends most of her time freeing squirrels from man traps and just gazing off into space thinking about Africa and stuff.
‘I’d like to go there and be like a good will ambassador and look at stuff cause you know, the way the stuff is there is oh I don’t know, wrong I want to say?’
I ask is she relieved that her role as Bella is coming to an end.
‘Oh definitely. This has been a huge adventure for my and stuff and I’m really grateful because it’s been an opportunity to meet some great people and to get myself out there and seen, but now I’m definitely ready to do some serious shit like I did with On the Road which has no Vampires in it at all – not one – cos I read the script and I suppose when it comes time to decide what I want to do next… what was the question?’
Of course I have to ask her about the kerfuffle surrounding her role in Snow White and the Hunstmen and her affair with the director.
‘Okay, right, you’re interested in that right. Well, what about I have a question for you? Okay? So, why don’t you ask Milla Jovovich about sleeping with Paul Thomas Anderson? Huh? Or why not ask Helena Bonham Carter about sleeping with Tim Burton? Why pick on me?’
It’s a fair point. And we celebrate by ripping another bong and Kristen tells me how the atoms in our right hand probably come from a different exploding star to the atoms in our left hand and that as star dust there’s like an amazing drift of … I’m sorry what was the question?