BEST CANCELLED ACTOR OSCAR INTRODUCED

HOLLYWOOD – The Academy has announced next year will see a new Best Cancelled Actor Oscar introduced. The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar award will recognize actors who have gone out of their way to alienate, offend and even abuse while inexplicably remaining in the public eye.

 

The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar Goes To…

The award will be issued as a farewell gesture to the privileged world that is Hollywood. Therefor the recipient will accept their award with their face pixelated out. Their acceptance speech will be over-dubbed with Give Peace A Chance. And the disgraced actor will shuffle off stage to abject silence.


 

Mouth Breathers

The recipient will never be seen again in any legitimate mainstream production. Because most likely, they will appear in some right wing, batshit-crazy Baptist church funded production. These films will usually be about angels being real or talking dogs. There is always the option of them creating a YouTube channel. There they can rant about the satanic influence of liberalism and the Covid hoax. Websites are also a good option. They can sell merch to any slack jawed, gun owner who hates themselves enough to empathize with psychopaths. Or they might get a job on Fox News.


 

Favorite Assholes

There has been great speculation about who will be nominated. So the current front runners are: Kirstie Alley, Jon Voight, Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio and Vincent Gallo. Gallo is the bookies’ favorite because bets are no longer being taken on him clutching the award at the end of the evening.

 

The Golden Asshole

The Academy has also announced a new lifetime achievement award. It’s for actors who despite being obviously vile, mysteriously continued to work. It will be known as The Golden Asshole Award. James Woods and Kevin Spacey will be jointly honored. They will receive statuettes of Harvey Weinstein’s asshole.

 

The Oscars Takes Place Next March

FARRELLY BROTHERS ROSEMARY’S BABY

The Farrelly brothers Rosemary’s Baby remake gets the green light as news spread that Pineapple Express director, David Gordon Green is to direct a new Exorcist trilogy.

As an unusual genre for the Farrelly brothers Rosemary’s Baby remake will star Amy Adams as Rosemary (previously played by Mia Farrow) and Jon Hamm as Guy (previously played by Nick Cassavetes). 

 



The Farrelly Brothers Rosemary’s Baby

The Farrellys told The Exec,  ‘We’re huge fans of Polanski’s films. Uumm… up to and including Chinatown. But nothing after that. Y’know what I talking about. And we always thought we would be a perfect fit to bring Rosemary’s story to a new generation. We will tell her story with compassion and sensitivity. Oh, and a whole heap of fart gags.’

 


Shallow Hell

‘We’ve got a great supporting cast lined up and ready to go. We have Kirstie Alley in the Ruth Gordon role. We’re very proud to announce we have Kevin James on board as Satan. He just brings so much class and heft to any role he plays. From The King Of Queens where he pulled funny faces and fell over a lot, to Paul Blart Mall Cop, where he pulled funny faces and fell over a lot. The man’s a comic genius.’

 


An American Wayans In Venice

The Wayans brothers brought us classics such as White Chicks and 85 entries in the Scary Movie franchise and are remaking another horror classic. They will write, direct and star in a remake of Don’t Look Now. It will be called ‘What The Fuck Was That?!’ Marlon Wayans will play all three main roles including the mysterious figure in the red coat. 

 


The Farrelly Brothers’ There’s Something About Rosemary Starts Shooting In September. The Wayans’ What The Fuck Was That?! Starts Shooting In November. The Sequels Will Start Shooting In December.

KIRSTIE ALLEY JOINS JAMES WOODS TO REMAKE BIRTH OF A NATION

HOLLYWOOD – Kirstie Alley and James Woods are to remake DW Griffith’s Birth of a Nation.

We talked to James Woods and Kirstie Alley about their planned remake of Birth of a Nation. 

So, Kirstie and James, thank you for agreeing to talk with us today:
Kirstie Alley (KA) – Who said that about us? Fake news!
James Woods (JW) – Yeah, that’s fuckin’ bullshit man!

We haven’t actually said anything yet:
KA – Ok, but just watch it, ok? Because we aint taking any of your liberal bullshit.
JW – Darn tootin’ Kirst. Virtual high five.

Anyway, can you tell us where you got the idea to remake The Birth Of A Nation? Isn’t that film about the Ku Klux Klan and didn’t it lead to the resurgence of the Klan and their racist ideology in America?
JW – It aint racist, because it has a load of black folks in it.

Racism

I’m pretty sure it is racist and most of those ‘black characters’ were white actors with their faces ‘blacked up’. Do you not find that problematic to say the least?
KA – Now look here… boy, you just wait a goddamn minute. Because you can’t come over here with your high fallutin’ talk and fancy science degrees spoutin’ off all kinda nonsense. That way decent folk don’t take kindly. Now where’d I put my AR-15?
JW – I think what Kirsty is trying to say is that we wanted to show that there were very fine people on both sides in that film. Bring it to a modern audience.

Who will you play?
KA – I’m gonna play Elsie Stoneman, she’s from some fag Union family up north. But it’s ok, she marries the good ol’ boy Ben Cameron, who’s a Confederate war hero.
JW – And I’m gonna play me the villain of the piece. You know, that evil minded sumbitch, Abraham Lincoln. Because I’m good at villains. And we gonna get Steve McQueen to direct it.

Steve McQueen? You’re sure about that?
KA & JW – Yep.

I’m not sure you have the right Steve McQueen:
KA – Sure we do, he’s the Cooler King, the Bullit, the god damned Papillon mother fucker.

The Steve McQueen you’re thinking of is dead. You might want to look them up on IMDB. I’ll send you a link:
JW – What the fuck you on about?
KA – What? But Scott Baio said…
JW – Why did you want to listen to that liberal pinko for, Kirsty? I told you he’s a crazy mofo, ever since Diagnosis Murder. Hang on, let me open up this link and… mother fucker. He aint no Cooler King. Hang on, he directed 12 Years A Slave, that sounds promising, let me just read what it’s abo… shit. It’s political correctness gone mad!
KA – I’m definitely gettin’ my AR-15. You just wait there boy.

Call terminated

Thankfully, The Birth Of A Nation has been shelved indefinitely.

DONALD TRUMP’S SPEECH PLAGIARIZED FROM THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump’s nomination acceptance speech was plagiarized from the new entry into the Purge franchise – The Purge: Election Year, it has been revealed.

Donald Trump quoted swathes of the film’s script verbatim, including many deleted scenes from the forthcoming DVD release. Film makers also accused Donald Trump of living in what many call the universe of The Purge films. In the films, the New Founding Fathers have hit upon the idea of having an annual purge – one night in which everything is legal and all crime permitted – as a way of unleashing our pent up rage and lowering the crime figures over all.

One observer told the New York Times:

I was watching The Purge: Election Year illegally on my lap top and had the television tuned to the convention and the two were in perfect synch. He even did some of the sound effects.

Violence and horror rule for one day and listening to Donald Trump it sounded very much like America was living in the Purge 24/7. Violence, homicide, terrorism, bridges falling down, roads falling apart, the world coming to piece, illegal immigrants, foreign ideologies and corrupt politicians were all held up to the light by Baron Harkonnen.

As if any further condemnation was required, Kirstie Alley endorsed Donald Trump.

The Purge: Election Year Virtual Reality edition is currently playing.

WEDGER: EPISODE 6 RECAP: WEDGESDAY’S CHILD

Warning: SPOILERS for the HBO show Wedger from pilot through Episode 6.

We’ve got used to the anti-heroes of television’s second Golden Age, be it Tony Soprano, Al Swearengen, Walter White or Don Draper. But now we have to add another name: Wedger. This week’s episode probably pushed the limits of what we are willing to accept from a lead character and still root for him.

After getting drunk all day with his irrepressible brother Stephen ‘Paint Bottle’ Wedger (Matthew Modine), Wedger (Robert Downey Jr.) realizes that it is his daughter’s recital and so steals a car and drives across town and break neck speed, crashing into a school bus and killing all the children in the ensuing fireball.


Meanwhile across town, Kirstie Alley escapes from jail, aided by the mysterious Wedgier in one of the finest escape via ingestion by a very fat prison guard that I have ever seen. Up there with Shawkshank Redemption poo pipe crawl.  

Fleeing the scene of his crime, Wedger gets a call from Captain Balaton (Jeff Daniels) begging for him to help catch the Wedgier, but Wedger isn’t going to disappoint his daughter. So pausing only to mainline heroin in an alley and strangle a homeless person to death because ‘he looked at me funny’, Wedger punches a cyclist (a great comedy beat), steals her bicycle and heads for his daughter’s school where he is met by the teacher with whom he had a steamy episode in the pilot. She has some news: she’s pregnant! Without blinking or a moment’s hesitation, Wedger punches her as hard as he can in the belly and runs into the hall just as his daughter begins to play Debussey’s Clare de lune. As he sits down next to his wife (Mia Sara) she says ‘You almost missed it.’ Okay this I have to say. What a BITCH! I mean Wedger might be a tiny bit morally ambiguous, but what a mean spirited, whiny, irritating, dumb pain in the ass his wife is. When you think about what he has to put up with from her, all his actions suddenly make sense. Hopefully, the writers will find some way of punishing her in a really humiliating manner. 

For more Wedger click here.  

KIRSTIE ALLEY HAS ALLEY NAMED AFTER HER

SALINAS – Scientologist and ‘star’ of Cheers, Look Who’s Talking 2 and Fat Actress, Kirstie Alley was honored today at a small civic ceremony in Salinas, California where a narrow road between a disused cinema and a 7-11 was dedicated to the comedienne.


An emotional Ms. Alley commented:

Is this some kind of joke? This is ridiculous. I was told I was being honored with the key of the town or something. You Goddam assholes! I’m gonna rip you all a new one. Get out of my way!

Stopping only to fire her PA and punch Salinas major, Joe Gunter in the crotch sack, Alley then leapt into her car and sped off, leaving the small crowd that had gathered to shrug and mutter about knowing that was going to happen and what are you going to expect.

The Kirstie Alley joins the town historic center which includes a 21 Jump Street and a Chinatown in honor of other Hollywood greats.