DOG THAT WITNESSED LOUIS C.K. JERKING OFF IGNITES NEW #METOO DEBATE

New York – A french bulldog has recently come forward claiming to have witnessed Louis C.K. jerking off in the green room of The Comedy Store in 2004. 

“I was laying on the floor casually licking my own balls.”, said the Bulldog:

When suddenly, Louis C.K. unzips his trousers and starts jerking off. It was horrible, not so much the sight as I put my paws over my eyes but the sound of him thrashing and groaning I will never forget until my dying day. And what’s worse is I couldn’t leave because he’d locked the door! Well, to be totally fair the door wasn’t locked, but I’m a dog so how the f*ck am I going to open a door?

The Bulldog insists he’s been traumatised by the event and is disappointed that the public outcry has been so muted:

It’s time for animals to have their own #metoo moment. We need to start talking about what has happened and what is still happening in this industry. Why just the other day I was at my survivors group and a goldfish I know openly wept about being inappropriately handled by Kevin Spacey at a fairground in 1997.  

Rumours of animals being subjected to abusive behaviour and the infamous ‘Casting Couch’ are nothing new.  In 2001, the famous movie horse Pink Duchess published her memoir, ‘Grin and Bareback’ claiming she was preyed upon by several ‘Big name’ stars and executives during her early days in Hollywood. 

Here’s a short excerpt describing one particularly disturbing encounter:

It was 1959 and I was on location in California preparing to film the movie Spartacus when Kirk Douglas asked me to go back to his trailer to go through a few scenes. I knew what that meant, but I was young, he was a big star and I was very ambitious so I nervously trotted over to his trailer, only to be stopped on route by Stanley Kubrick who wanted to reshoot a scene we’d done earlier. 16 hours and 72 takes later, an exhausted Douglas suggested that maybe we go through the scenes tomorrow and tomorrow never came. People always talk about Kubrick, the long days and endless takes but if wasn’t for his perfectionism, I’m pretty sure I’d still be able taste Douglas’ cock on my breath. 

If you feel you’ve been affected by any of the subjects raised in this article, please contact your local veterinarian. 

THE VIKINGS GETS MOVIE SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – Popular TV show The Vikings is to get a big movie treatment.

The History Channels The Vikings is finally to get a big screen outing, it was announced today. Fans of the show will however be disappointed to learn that it won’t star any of the original cast. Travis Fimmel, Katheryn Winnick and Gabriel Byrne have all denied they are appearing in the new version. A History Channel source to the Studio Exec:

We wanted to go with something tried and tested. Kirk Douglas will play Einar and Tony Curtis is playing Erik. I’m very pleased to announce that Ernest Borgnine is coming back to play Ragnar.

But Tony Curtis… Kirk Douglas… Aren’t they a little old, or dead?

The story is a little different. Erik and Einar are half brothers, though actually Erik is of noble birth. They have this massive horn that they blow and they run along the oars for fun. Then fights and battles break out and they throw axes at girls to cut off their braids.

Wait. This sounds like the 1958…

The important point here is that although people will say: look they’ve just re-released that film that’s always on television at Easter. What they really mean is: this is an amazingly original and accurate reproduction of how Vikings actually lived in the 1950s.

The Vikings will be released in 2018.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER’S POSTCARD FROM CANNES (PART ONE)

 HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the an incident at the Cannes Film Festival.

 Dear Kirk Douglas,

Call off the search, I’ve arrived safe and sound! 

There was a bit of a kerfuffle at the airport because I couldn’t find my passport, but we finally discovered it in with Steve Martin’s banjo. Had a panic on the plane when they said we were flying to France, but it turns out that’s where Cannes is. It just goes to show, you’re never too old to learn!

Love to Mike and Cathy,

Edwin

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS BETTE DAVIS AND JOAN CRAWFORD

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.

Has Hollywood ever produced greater friends than Bette Davis and Joan Crawford? No it has not. I think I’m right in saying that I was married to one or possibly even both of them in the 1950s, and can claim some if not all of the credit for their most famous film. If King Vidor tries to tell you different you just say that Sir Edwin Fluffer calls him a liar. Then knock his hat off and run away.

I was doing a jigsaw puzzle with darling Bette one night when the doorbell rang. I opened it to none other than Miss Joan Crawford and straight away from the look on that famous face I could tell what had happened. Kirk Douglas’s dog, Chaplin, had made a mess on the sidewalk and unlucky Joan had stepped right in it! 

I brought her inside and poured a stiff brandy which I downed in one, then leapt into action. Joan’s shoe was off in a trice, double bagged, and thrown out with the garbage. The poor darling was still in a terrible state of shock so I insisted she sit down while I had another brandy. Then something happened which changed the world forever: while Joan started helping with the puzzle by separating all the blue pieces which we thought were either the sea or the sky, Bette noticed a script on the table. Kirk Douglas had popped it through the letterbox while he was out walking that filthy dog of his by way of an apology for getting me fired from Spartacus. The idea was that we’d play the warring brothers in Whatever Happened To Tiny Terrence? Bette read it from cover to cover, took out a pen, changed the name in the title to Baby Jane and passed it to Joan saying ‘when do you want to start?’ It was then that disaster struck. 
The brandy had all gone by now and as they helped me up I trod on poor Joan’s foot! To make matters worse I insisted she borrow a pair of my shoes to walk home in, and the only thing we could find to match her ballgown was a pair of brogues. 
She said they rubbed a little, but stupidly neither Bette nor I thought anything of it. Two days later it was all over the front pages: Joan Crawford Has An In-Growing Toenail! People tried to be kind, but I knew it was all my fault, and to this day I still can’t forgive myself. George Sanders never spoke to me again. 
The result was that when they came to film Baby Jane, darling Joan had to shoot all her scenes in a wheelchair. 
Even now I can’t watch that picture without wondering what would’ve happened if I’d given her a pair of loafers, or even my moccasins with some spats for extra protection. 
The last time I ever saw her she looked at me and said ‘Neddy, don’t hold it against me’, so I stood back a bit and put it away. I once held it against a young Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell punched me in the face, but that’s another story…

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS ROBERT ZEMECKIS

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer recalls his encounter with Robert Zemeckis and the birth of an American masterpiece.

Being an old hand at all this Hollywood lark I feel almost duty bound to lend the benefit of my experience to the younger generations as they make way their way up through the ranks. Some are kind enough to listen, others just look at me the way Lassie used to look at Jayne Russell, before slowly shaking their heads and turning away. But without my help, and passion for gardening, one of the most successful franchises in this business we still lovingly call show may have never come to pass.

A few years ago I suddenly got a call from a talented young director called Robert Zemeckis. He’d just had a hit with a picture called Romancing The Stone starring Kirk Douglas’s little boy, Michael. Bobby, as I instantly came to know and love him, wanted to talk to me about his next project. It was to be a comedy about time travel. I invited him over for a chat and one of my ex-wives served us drinks in the garden while the smoke from Paul Newman’s barbecue wafted over the fence. The smell was truly awful so we went for a wander ‘round the grounds and I showed Bobby some of my favourite plants, including a fuchsia that Claude Rains left me in his will. We spent an absolute age walking up and down the long borders trying to think of a suitable name for this film of his. Eventually I looked up and noticed we’d returned to the exact same spot we left all those hours earlier, but we were still no nearer a title.
‘Well,’ I said ‘here we are. Back to the fuchsia.’
And the rest as we so often say in Hollywood, is history…
Bobby was kind enough to show his gratitude by offering me the role of Dr Emmett Brown, but an in-growing toenail and some tax problems that forced me to leave for Switzerland under an assumed name meant I had to politely say no. I could tell he was disappointed and I promised to make it up to him by telling him about the time Marlene Dietrich asked me to put up some shelves in her new bungalow. 
But that’s another story…

MICHAEL DOUGLAS RECEIVES MAGIC BLUE PENIS

JERUSALEM – Michael Douglas was on stage in Jerusalem last night to receive a Magic Blue Penis from the hands of Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu.

The Magic Blue Penis is given every five years to men of proven virility and Michael Douglas received it ‘in recognition of his cockmanship and priapism’, as the official statement read. Former recipient Jay Leno shared the stage with Douglas and the Israeli Prime Minister, along with a number of extraordinarily ugly Russian oligarchs who were intent on touching the Magic Blue Penis which is said to have magic powers. Netanyahu, in presenting the award, congratulated Michael Douglas on years of potency:

In your private life you have had some troubles with this, but you have overcome them in a way that makes everyone who has a large manhood proud. In your professional life, you have given us classics such as Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, War of the Roses and Disclosure, showing that the man with the penis is always surrounded by crazy ladies, who he must love, but also occasionally kill. Now with the Magic Blue Penis, which is the stamp of approval that men yearn for everywhere, we believe you will be able to go back to America and spread messages of peace, inclusiveness and girth.

The Magic Blue Penis was first discovered near the source of the Nile. Scientists still squabble about its exact composition, but no one has ever called into question its effects. Even a brief exposure to the penis will render the holder irresistible to women and elephants.

Michael Douglas was eager to thank his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones, and his father Kirk Douglas for being an inspiration. The runner up prize – the Magic Blue Balls – was awarded to David Letterman for services to television.

FLUFFER’S 2014: PART 5

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer returns with his final installment of his 2014 yearbook.

Nov 1st I don’t know how he did it, but Kirk’s managed to get Mike Nichols to direct Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? To be honest I think he mentioned my name and called in a favor: Mike still owes me one after I let him use one of my legs on the poster for The Graduate. The look on Dustin Hoffman’s face still haunts me.

Nov 7th Just seen my dear old pal Michael Caine in Interstellar. I think that he agreed with me, the story really lacked something. From the opening scene you could tell exactly what was going to happen. I passed on the script when they said I couldn’t wear a pair of funny ears like Mr Spock in Star Trek, but that sort of thing always goes down so well in sci-fi.

Nov 19th Mike Nichols has died. I still remember when he fired me from The Birdcage for being too over the top! In the end he got darling Robin Williams to play it instead, and although I always enjoyed the subtlety he brought to the part it was a wasted opportunity really. I offered him the use of my giant chicken costume, but he was determined to manage without it.

Dec 1st Debbie Reynolds called. Apparently it says on the Internet that Kirk Douglas is dead! Apparently he was Spartacus and I never even knew. You would’ve thought he’d have mentioned it.

Dec 4th Got on the wrong bus and missed the photo call for this new Bond film I’m doing. I’ll be playing W, the Head of Health and Safety at MI7. Young Danny Craig’s got the lead again and Sammy Mendes is directing. They’ve dropped Dame Judi from this one: apparently they asked her to tone down the language on set and she didn’t take it very well.

Dec 17th Kirk Douglas phoned! It turns out he’s not dead after all! He just nodded off in front of Big Bang Theory and some idiot published his obituary by mistake. He had some bad news though: we’ve both been dropped from the Baby Jane remake. Apparently they’re going to shoot it with a couple of chaps called The Minions instead. It’s a shame really. After two Academy Awards, three knighthoods and counting I thought it would be a nice final curtain, but I may as well carry on for a bit longer. And let’s be honest, I need the money. The script for Police Academy: Next Generation arrived this morning, I’ll have a flick through that later…

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

FLUFFER’S 2014: PART 4

Sir Edwin Fluffer returns with the fourth part of his wonderful yearbook of 2014.

Aug 1st Kirk’s hugely excited about Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Lauren Bacall’s expressed an interest, so naturally I’m thrilled. It’s a real honour to appear onscreen with such a true icon of Hollywood’s golden age, and I’m sure she’ll rise to the challenge quite admirably.

Aug 7th Peter Jackson’s had me back in to re-shoot the ending for The Hobbit. He wants to lighten the mood a bit, so the idea is Gandalf will finally return from the quest to be welcomed home by me as his dear old Dad.  I ad-libbed a line about having trouble getting the orc’s blood out of his cape, so it would be nice if they could use that.

Aug 12th Lauren Bacall has passed away.  Another dear friend gone and suddenly I feel so terribly alone. Watched Home Alone 2, that always cheers me up.

Sep 1st Kirk Douglas phoned: he’s got Richard Kiel for Baby Jane! I’m starting to wonder what direction this project is heading in, but Dickie is a dear old friend and always a joy to work with. You never need a bottle opener when he’s at the party!

Sep 10th Richard Kiel’s died. Roger Moore once told me that Richard had the softest hands of any Bond villain who’s ever tried to throttle him. Apparently he’d never offer to do the washing up unless there was a pair of gloves he could use and it must’ve done wonders for his skin.

Sep 27th I’ve been invited to sit on the jury at one of these European film festivals. It sounded like quite a jolly little jaunt, but then the organisers said that unlike the journalists I would be expected to watch the all the pictures right the way through to the end. Ever since I had that funny turn during Blue Is The Warmest Colour my doctor’s advised me to stay away from anything with subtitles, so I shall probably have to say no.

Oct 1st Kirk’s started work on the soundtrack for Baby Jane. I think he’s putting the cart before the house because we haven’t even started filming yet, but he’s heard of this chap called Raphael Ravenscroft who played the sax solo on a song called Baker Street and apparently now he can’t stop singing it!

Oct 13th Turned on the telly this afternoon and they’re showing Apache Chaps meet Dracula. I always thought Bela Lugosi was dreadfully miscast, but money was tight on that one and he had his own cape. I distinctly remember being very impressed by the way he used his fangs to eat corn on the cob.

Oct 19th Raphael Ravenscroft’s died. Kirk’s terribly upset, but he played a trumpeter in Young Man With A Horn, so he’s hoping he can get away with it. I’ve still got the ukulele I played in Apache Chaps Rule The Waves so I’ll try and strum along on that.

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

FLUFFER’S 2014: PART 2

The Studio Exec has gained exclusive access to the diaries of veteran thespian Sir Edwin Fluffer. Here we are proud to present selected highlights from his many lows of 2014…

Mar 1st Kirk Douglas phoned: he’s got us a cinematographer for Baby Jane, and it’s none other than Oswald Morris! I haven’t seen old Ossie since I presented him with the Academy Award for Fiddler on the Roof.  Hope he’s forgotten that I spilt my drink down his wife’s dress. It cost me $37 to get it dry cleaned.

Mar 17th Had some sad news today: Oswald Morris has died. I remember when we worked together on Oliver! It was Ossie who suggested to the director that I should stand right at the back and not say anything. James Mason said it was some of the best work I’d ever done, and I have Ossie to thank for that.

Mar 28th Got the new script for this bloody Star Wars thing I’ve got myself muddled up in. I’ll be voicing this robot which spins along like a football, and there’s a love scene with someone called C3P0. I can’t believe that anyone will want to see it.

Apr 1st Just got off the phone to Kirk Douglas: Mickey Rooney has agreed to do Baby Jane! I’m hoping he’ll do the funny voice again, because that was easily the best thing about Breakfast At Tiffany’s. I think one of the Hepburns was in that too. Can’t remember which one, but I got the set if you know what I mean!

Apr 6th Dear old Mickey Rooney’s died.  It was thanks to him that I got my big break in Apache Chaps! There was a scene where Rooney’s character had to open a tin of biscuits but they were on a high shelf and poor Mickey just couldn’t reach them. Ever the trouper he went for another take and tried it on tip toes, but it was still no good. But Mickey’s loss was my gain and the rest as they say is history. I think they were custard creams.

Apr 18th Sat next to lovely Russell Crowe at the Noah premiere and when I woke up again at the end he said all my scenes had been cut!  I thought they would’ve at least kept in the line when I told Noah ‘you can’t park that thing here’, but the studio were desperate to get it down to under three and a half hours and yours truly ended up on the cutting room floor. It’s Apocolypse Now all over again. And Laurence of Arabia. And Gone With The Wind.

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

 

FLUFFER’S 2014: PART ONE

In return for a bottle of gin and some previously unseen photos of Angela Lansbury, The Studio Exec has gained exclusive access to the diaries of veteran thespian Sir Edwin Fluffer. Here we are proud to present selected highlights from his many lows of 2014…

Jan 1st Some unusually good news to start the year: Kirk Douglas phoned to say that our long awaited remake of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane is back on! Saul Zaentz has said he’ll produce and Kirk’s daughter in law has promised to drop him off at the studio when she takes the kids to school.

Jan 3rd Saddened to hear that Saul Zaentz has passed away. I still remember when he fired me from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest! Jack Nicholson absolutely insisted that an American Indian play the Chief, and you have to admire his eye for detail.

Jan 27th Last day of filming on The Expendables 3. I don’t mind admitting that I had a bit of trouble keeping up with some of younger chaps on this shoot. Dear old Arnie does make me laugh: he’s insisting on playing the part with an Austrian accent! Sly says that if I’m still alive for part 4 he’ll make sure there’s a scene for me which is very sweet of him. His mother’s as ravishing as ever and still has all her own thighs.

Feb 1st Kirk phoned to say that Sid Caesar’s signed for Baby Jane. Haven’t seen him since I was dropped from Your Show of Shows. I still maintain that the words that I was alleged to have used were grossly misreported, and in my defence I didn’t even know that Mel Brooks was Jewish. Mel and I are great pals now of course, but try as I might I can’t persuade him to take Spaceballs to Broadway.

Feb 12th Sad to hear that Sid Caesar’s died. I think that I played him in that bio-pic of Julius Caesar that Billy Shakespeare did the screenplay for. Brando was in it and little Johnny Gielgud.  People used to rave about him, but I thought he mumbled terribly.

Feb 23rd Apparently my scenes have been cut from Dallas Buyers Club: I’m furious, I was on nothing but Slim Fast for a fortnight to get into that costume.

Jared Leto never forgave me for that unfortunate incident in the make up trailer, but in my defence it was quite dark in there.

SPARTACUS: DIRECTOR’S CUT

HOLLYWOOD- Following the release of the new director’s cut of Dr. Strangelove, the Stanley Kubrick estate has decided to release an alternate cut of the director’s 1960 slave rebellion picture Spartacus.

The cut will include an alternate ending which reveals a much more pessimistic view of human nature.

‘This is what Stanley actually believed would have happened,’ said a spokesperson for the estate.

At this stage in his career he was still under the pressure to make a Hollywood picture and Kirk Douglas also had much more power than even Stanley. Remember Kubrick was hired for this job while the film was already in production.

Other changes include:

  • A sex scene between Laurence Olivier and Tony Curtis (Anthony Hopkins provides the moans and groans on the soundtrack).
  • CGI gore in the battle scenes supervised by Peter Jackson.
  • A tiger in the famous gladiator battle with Woody Strode, courtesy of Ridley Scott.

Spartacus: the Final Version will be released later this month.

THE JACK NICHOLSON COOK BOOK 3: Eggs Benedict



















Hi I’m Jack Nicholson.


People often say to me, Jack, they say. Why are you the only man on God’s green earth who can get away with wearing sunglasses indoors without looking like a sissy boy.

Well I’ll tell ya. Back when I was making The Shining big Stan Kubrick insisted that every member of the cast provide him with their vital statistics so he adjust the camera in order to ensure he could perfectly frame each shot. At least that’s what he told us though Scatman Crothers swore he wanted to know our exact measurements because if he murdered one of us in a fit rage he could conceal his crime by disposing of the body in a vat of acid, take a stiff from the local morgue of a similar height and weight, put it in a car, douse it in gasoline and push it over the edge of the nearest ravine. Now like most black fellas Crothers was a fan of conspiracy theories but I wouldn’t have put it past ole Stan. That famous scene when I hack my way through the door  to get to Shelley Duvall wasn’t in the original script. Kubrick had been chasing Shelley around the set with an axe for a couple of hours and after running out of breath he asked me to pick up where he left off.
Anyway later that evening Kirk Douglas dropped by to punch Stan for some reason or other and after I talked him down we went to a local bar to sink a few. One Scotch led to another and before I know it I’m on the piano wearing boot polish and shades singing Ray Charles numbers whilst Douglas dances the old soft shoe. I bet him a 1000 bucks he couldn’t do a back flip and he bet me 1000 that I couldn’t keep those shades on for the rest of my natural life.

So that was the story of why I wear sunglasses indoors and although years have passed I still get a letter from Douglas every week asking me if I’m wearing the shades. At least I think that’s what the letters say, they’ve become increasingly illegible over the last decade but then the man has had fifty strokes and is still going strong.

You know one of my favourite breakfast treats is good ol’ fashioned Eggs Benedict and the way I make it is guaranteed to impress that certain lady, or gentleman the morning after the the night before. It’s quick, it’s easy and here’s how you do it.

1.      Call Dirk Benedict
2.      Shout “ Get me some f*cking eggs!”
3.      Wait for Dirk to arrive
4.      Eat your eggs.

There you go. Eggs Benedict the Nicholson way. Join me next time when I’ll tell you how to make an Apple Tart out of nothing but Oranges.

Adios.