ORLANDO BLOOM RELEASED FROM CARBONITE

HOLLYWOOD – Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings actor Orlando Bloom has been successfully released from carbonite, it was revealed today.

Orlando Bloom has been defrosted from the carbonite that held him in suspended animation for several years in order to allow him to appear in the fifth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean. Although sources disagree it is thought that Bloom had been carbon frozen shortly after his appearance in Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven in 2005, though others contend that Bloom must have been subject to the controversial storage process following 2007’s Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.

Bloom watcher George Samsonite told the Studio Exec:

It is difficult to date Bloom’s freezing in carbonite because he did appear in a number of films following the hibernation process but the bland status of his acting makes it very difficult to tell if he has been frozen solid into a block or if he’s simply being Orlando Bloom. One thing we can say for certain is that his appearances in The Hobbit films were certainly taking place post-carbonite freezing.

Meanwhile news that Orlando Bloom had been unfrozen was met with worldwide consternation and markets in Asia tumbled. President Barack Obama issued a statement to try and reassure the citizenry:

Orlando Bloom has been released only for the duration of the filming of the new Pirates of the Caribbean film. We have had assurances from the film makers that Mr. Bloom will voluntarily submit himself once more to the carbon freezing process as soon as the film is completed. Apparently as well as being painless, it is believed that Bloom enjoys being frozen in carbonite, saying that it tickles.

Pirates of the Caribbean 5 will be released in 2017.

ORLANDO BLOOM: 2012 BEST YEAR YET

LONDON – Orlando Bloom has had his best year yet as an actor, he declared yesterday. Bloom has been celebrating 2012 as the year in which he has made no bad films; not one.

‘It’s something I’ve been struggling hard to achieve,’ Bloomers said. ‘I was almost there last year but then I made The Three Musketeers and that was that.’
 
Throughout the noughties Bloom (or Orlando Blando as he prefers to be known) made a series of films that defined irritatingly stupid wastes of money from the interminable Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, which manage to render a joyride joyless, to the endless Lord of the Rings trilogy, culminating in the God awful crusade it-was-so-long-it-could-easily-have-been-a-trilogy Kingdom of Heaven
 
The problem with Blando was ‘the more films I made, the more apparent it became that I wasn’t a great actor.’ As Legolas the Elf, Bloom was convincingly unemotional, looked effete, had cat like grace and fired arrows, but when called on to play human beings as in Elizabethtown Bloomingdales consistently failed. 
 
‘Then I realised the secret, if I DIDN’T appear in films, not just not act – I’d been doing that from the get go – but not even turn up, not even make films, then my reputation would … well, no it’s too late for that, but still the world is a better place. Not a single bad Orlando Bloom performance in 2012.’