DAVID SCHWIMMER ADMITS TO BEING THE ROBERT KARDASHIAN HOLOGRAM

HOLLYWOOD – David Schwimmer pleads for freedom after admitting to Robert Kardashian hologram role.

David Schwimmer announced today that he was the Robert Kardashian hologram. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Kanye West phoned me and asked me would I like to do a thing for Kim’s birthday. I said I’d love to expecting that we might be doing a Friends skit or something. I know Kim loves the show. But he wanted me to reprise my role as Robert Kardashian, which I had played to universal praise in the OJ Simpson movie. As soon as he said that I said no.

Why?

I don’t want to get typecast. Something I learned coming off of Friends. People will always see you as Ross if you don’t diversify and that’s what led me to do a whole slew of different roles.  Now people see my name and if someone mentions Friends, they’re like: oh yeah David was in Friends, I forgot.

david schwimmer robert kardashian hologram

So what happened next?

I was walking in the park and I fell over. A tranquiliser dart had hit me. They bundled me in a van and drove to a helipad. In an unknown location they shaved my body hair and scanned me from nut sack to toupe.  It was humiliating. Then they shoved me and a poor fitting suit and forced me to learn this script all about farting. It felt bizarre, but Kanye kept saying that when he’s President he’s gonna do this to me and that to me. He’s very intimidating in real life. Not the cuddly guy you see on TV.

And how did it end?

I did the most convincing performance of my career. Better even than Ross in Friends.

You were in Friends?

You see!?

David Schwimmer will be directing a musical version of The Serbian Film for Broadway in 2021.

THE WALTONS REMAKE GOES TO NETFLIX

HOLLYWOOD – Classic TV show The Waltons is to be revived for Netflix, it was announced today.

Following the news recent remakes of cult TV shows – The X-Files and the forthcoming Twin Peaks – it was no surprise that Walton Mountain is to be revisited with a new season to drop sometime next year on Netflix. The Waltons followed the adventures of the Walton family, a poor but honest brood of innumerable members who lived in the Virginia mountains during the Great Depression. With Ma and Pa, the grandparents and the seven children, the Waltons would have weekly episodes in which something deeply moral was learned. The eldest son John Boy Walton would grow up to be a novelist and he would narrate the opening and close of the show, often giving the moral and what was learned. ‘Goodnight, John Boy’ was the much loved sign off until in 1981, it was heard for the last time.

Netflix released a statement about the new show:

The time has come to revisit The Waltons and Netflix is proud to announce a reboot of the show. This hourly drama series will star Kanye West and Kim Kardashian as Ma and Pa Walton. Caitlyn Jenner will play Grandma and Aziz Anzari as John Boy Walton. With a new cast and writing team, The Waltons will be a loving recreation of the original set in the same period, but will also confront issues of gender identity and racial intolerance. Bryan Cranston as a KKK Grand Wizard looks set to be one of the most terrifying villains on TV.

The Waltons: A New Beginning will drop sometime in 2017.

DAVID SCHWIMMER TO STAR IN AMERICAN CRIME STORY SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – Following the ongoing success of American Crime Story: The People v OJ Simpson, former Friends star David Schwimmer looks set to star in a spin off series that he will write and produce.

It’s no secret that David Schwimmer has struggled to find his feet following his initial success as Ross from popular sit-com Friends. However, it looks like his career has taken an upspike with the popularity of his role in American Crime Story: The People v OJ Simpson and he is keen to capitalize on the success with a spin off series that would feature the further adventures of his character Robert Kardashian. David popped into the Studio Exec villa to lay down his plans:

It’s no secret that I’ve become very close to this character. I see Robert as essentially a very decent man in a terrible situation. All his decency is turned in the wrong direction. He is an amazing friend, incredibly loyal, but that loyalty blinds him to what is going on right in front of his face.

What will the new show be about?

I found that after I read the last script and we filmed the last episode that I wasn’t really sure we had told the whole of Robert’s story. I wanted to know more about him and about his family. This is a man who goes back to the law in the highest profile legal case this country has ever seen and then he really has this fame that he had no wish for. I want to explore how he continues to live in Los Angeles and his relationship to his family especially. There was a scene in a restaurant where he turns to his daughter, I think she’s called Kim but I’ll have to look it up, and he tells them that fame is a hollow thing. I wanted to see how Robert and the Kardashians deal with that and recover from it. How they learn to sink back into their former obscurity, chastened and wiser surely. Every week he will take on a different case but we’ll also see his home life. I see it as a mix of something like Perry Mason and The Waltons.

And you are writing and directing?

Yes I am. No, wait writing and producing. Direction will be someone else. I don’t want to direct myself. It’s too distracting.

I see. And the title?

There are a few floating about but my favorite is The Kardashians.

American Crime Story: The Kardashians will be broadcast in the Fall.

KIM KARDASHIAN AND BETTE MIDLER CELEBRATE INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY BY BITCHING ABOUT BULLSHIT

HOLLYWOOD – Kim Kardashian and Bette Midler have chosen to celebrate International Women’s Day by bitching about bullshit, it was revealed.

First Kim Kardashian posted a picture of herself wearing nothing but oblong strips of blackness, presumably in honor of Stanley Kubrick’s 1968 science fiction epic 2001 a Space Odyssey. Then Bette Midler pointed out that Kim’s over-exposure meant that the only part of her anatomy we haven’t seen would have to be an internal organ. Then things got nasty and dull at almost exactly the same time. Then more nudity. And to top it off Piers Morgan got involved because Piers Morgan.

International Women’s Day was originally called International Working Women’s Day and dates back to the turn of the century New York when the earliest demonstration was called specifically to celebrate the role women had taken in the fight against sex discrimination and for workers’ rights. It is today used as an opportunity to remember the women who have fought for freedom and equality, often at great personal sacrifice and against hostile and often violent regimes. We also use the day to appreciate the struggle that continues today globally against domestic violence as well as campaigns for equal pay and equal human rights and to spotlight regimes and countries in which women are still treated like second class citizens.

Kim Kardashian will be famous for the rest of our lives regardless of anything we say or do.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

KANYE WEST TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West is to take over from Chris Rock and host the 88th Academy Awards, AKA The Oscars on the 28th of February.

Kanye West announced that he would be replacing Chris Rock as the Oscars host last night. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that his decision to step in came as a response to the Oscars So White controversy.

There comes a time in a man’s life that he cannot just stand by on the other side of the street. When you see oppression, when you see a brother or sister beaten by the cops, when you see hunger and deprivation, when you see Taylor Swift pick up a VMA, you just gotta step in, or be less than what you think you are.

So the Academy hired you as a way of…

The Academy didn’t hire me. They wouldn’t hire someone like me. I’m a maverick, a visionary and potentially a Presidential candidate, but first I want to see how Donald does. Heh heh. Donald does? Sounds a bit like Donald Duck, don’t it?

And why did Chris Rock decide to step down? He looked like he was nailed on to host.

Will you get the story straight SE? Chris Rock hasn’t stepped down and likely won’t. I, Kanye West, father of the compass children, husband of the Kardashian who could, rapper of every album getting progressively crapper, am stepping up. I’m going to get on the stage of the Dolby and grab that microphone. Best Actress: Beyonce! Best Actor: Kanye West. Best Director: Spike Lee! Best Picture: Runaway.

Those aren’t the nominees.

Do I look like I give a God Damn? You don’t nominate Kanye, Kanye nominates you! Hashtag gonna be Oscars So Kanye!

The Academy Awards will be held at the Dolby Theater on 28th of February, 2016. Image by @SoundIsStyle.

THE KANYE WEST WING FIRST LOOK

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had Kanye West at the MTV VMAs declared his candidacy for Commander in Chief, the President of the United States of America, than the poster for his new TV show The Kanye West Wing was released onto the internets.

Kanye West’s reboot of the NBC drama series The West Wing which ran from 1999-2006 and starred Martin Sheen as President Jed Bartlett is coming soon, retitled “The Kanye West Wing”.

The official NBC synopsis reads:

 

VMA Vanguard honoree Kanye West takes on the role of the First Black President Kanye West, who with his Chief of Staff Pharell Williams, tries to steer his top team of political advisors through numerous crises domestic and foreign. Secretary of State Miley Cyrus is good at her job, provocative and original, but her toxic relationship with Nikki Minaj (Secretary of Defence) and her jealousy of the first lady Kim Kardashian is proving too destabilizing. Can Kanye bring peace to the Middle East? Can Kanye cut the National Debt and cut unemployment? Yes he Kanye!

Initially Aaron Sorkin was hired to write the show, but Kanye and Sorkin fell out, with Kanye complaining:

He can’t write how I speak. No one can write how I speak. The only person who understands the words coming out of my mouth is me! So that’s who is going to do the writing and everything. Me!

 

Star-packed and full of great musical numbers The Kanye West Wing looks like being the best thing to watch until 2020 when we will get the real thing.

The Kanye West Wing will be broadcast this Fall.

mage courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

KIM JONG-UN TO HOST SNL

NEW YORK – The Supreme Leader of the Democratic Republic of Korea, feared dictator and former member of the Axis of  Evil, Kim Jong-un will be hosting the next edition of NBC’s comedy sketch show Saturday Night Live.

The announcement came as something of a surprise as The Skeleton Twins actor Bill Hader had previously been announced as the host on that day but it was revealed that he had pulled out following intervention by the North Koreans. Hader’s agent publicly stated the actor had ‘a previous commitment to living’.

It is thought that Kim Jong-un will seek to replicate his hilarious appearance of two years ago where he dueted with eighties pop singer Kim Wilde on a comedy version of French Kissing in the USA and did a series of sketches featuring Kim Jong-Kardashian, a character that his serene eminence had written himself and which concluded with him meeting the real Kim Kardashian.

However New York Times TV critic, Max Belliferontus, warns viewers not to expect such heights of comic brilliance to be repeated:

That was a once in a lifetime cultural moment, like Susan Boyle singing for the first time or Neil Armstrong landing on the moon. There’s no point even trying to recreate the excitement that surrounded Kim Jong-un’s first appearance also because most of the creative team behind the original show were later found dead at the bottom of an elevator shaft in the Dakota Hotel. But what we can expect is some brilliant character work, some incisive political satire and a warm hearted buffoonery that has made Kim Jong-un so beloved of audiences and the only natural heir of the sadly departed Col. Gaddafi, who by the way is still a big hit on YouTube.

Kim Jong-un will be appearing on Saturday Night Live throughout the next twelve months and you will find it funny.

THE FORCE AWAKENS TEASER BREAKS KIM KARDASHIAN

HOLLYWOOD – Kim Kardashian was broken today by the release of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens teaser trailer.

Witnesses at the restaurant where Kardashian was eating breakfast, said that there was a crack of doom and Ms. Kardashian broke into a million pieces.  This happened at exactly the same time as the trailer was released on the internet and is thought to be a response to Ms. Kardashian’s threat a week ago to ‘break the internet’ something she ‘spectacularly failed to achieve.’

Sources close to the internet, said that internet had been really riled and wanted to get its own back on the reality show star.

The JJ Abrams teaser trailer was the perfect opportunity and when it was released, the internet had all its tractor beams focused on the Kardashian derriere. It was as if a thousand voices cried out at once, and were suddenly silenced.

Fortunately there was a black plastic bag into which the remains of Kim Kardashian was scooped and taken to St. Mary’s Hospital where a spokesperson for the hospital announced ‘we have the technology to rebuild her’.

See the offending trailer below:

 

KIM KARDASHIAN DOESN’T BREAK THE INTERNET

HOLLYWOOD – Today Kim Kardashian who’s famous for something resolutely failed to break the internet.

Paper Magazine greased the lady down and put her on the cover in the hope that we were all brain celebrity bottom feeders. The large black bin liner that she is emerging was mistaken for satire by some.

As the day progressed ATMs continued to function, emails were set and received, IMDb did a feature on Whiplash, called What to See (SPOILER ALERT: Whiplash), birds flocked together ready to fly South, a satellite landed on a comet, President Obama and President Xi Jinping clinched a historic climate deal between the US and China, the Republican party promised to sabotage it, Mrs Harriet Almond 87 years old, breathed her last breath in a hospital room in Chicago surrounded by her children and grandchildren. They were sad to see her go but no one can deny she’d lived a full and happy life, though laced through with struggle and pain.

For a moment the traffic paused and a dog could be heard barking somewhere. A young woman called Jenny Brickland decided not to take her life. She took all the sleeping pills she had painstakingly collected over the last three weeks and dumped them in the trash. The reason for her change of heart, an episode of The Waltons was showing on cable and it brought back memories of her father and how devastated he would be if she were to leave them that way.  A postman walking home from his shift found a stray dog rooting in the garbage and acting on an impulse took it home. In the Pentagon, a high ranking official worked on the first draft of a novel about a high ranking Pentagon official who lives a secret imaginative life as a bee keeper. People across the globe maintained their internet connections. Facebook friends liked and shared, twitter tweeted,Iinstagram shared, movies were streamed, YouTube videos viewed and Kim Kardashian was Kim Kardashian sans pants.

Perhaps we’ve had enough. Perhaps the internet is strong enough.

Or perhaps the attempt to break the internet failed because we’ve already seen Kim’s ass. In fact, I’ve even got some of his albums.