SEOUL – Reports are coming in that North Korea have successfully tested an Orlando Bloom in the Sea of Japan.
There have been rumors for weeks; noise and what the CIA call ‘chatter’ from Pyongyang that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea had developed their very own Orlando Bloom and were ready to detonate him as a show of strength to their southern neighbors as well as other powers in the region. China had been among the powers urging caution and diplomatic channels with the North Koreans and the leader Kim Jong-un had been opened in order to prevent an escalation of blandness. President Barack Obama, while visiting Britain last week, commented that:
Though many might see our position as hypocrisy – we after all have the original Orlando Bloom, and have had him for years – we must assure the North Koreans, Pakistan, Israel and any other power intent on developing their own Orlando Bloom option, that we deeply regret having our own OB and we are seeking ways of safely decommissioning him.
The detonation was detected by scientists using instruments which are usually dedicated to warning of Tsunamis. One scientist told the Exec, ‘the instruments were off the scale and suddenly we all felt listless and bored.’ The detonation comes only months after China was accused of 3D printing an entire army of Steve Guttenbergs.
More on this story as it develops.
HOLLYWOOD – Sony Executive and email writer-strordinaire Amy Pascal has joined the Studio Exec team, expressing her relief to finally find a job ‘which is genuinely important’.
Amy took time out from her busy schedule of interviews to speak with her new employer The Studio Exec.
Frankly SE, I’m relieved. When I worked at Sony, the pressure was unbelievable. You had to work up enthusiasm for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and pretend Seth Rogen was the new John Belushi. It was soul destroying. And then there was the constant danger of being strangled to death by Emile Hirsch.
Yeah. I know.
How did it feel being fired?
Of course it was upsetting at the time, but I also had a list of things I wanted to do if I left and at the top of that list it was to write for a genuinely subversive and hilarious satire blog.
Unfortunately, The Onion weren’t hiring so I came over to you.
I’m kidding. I kid.
Not funny, Amy.
Okay so I’m already fitting in.
Hey hurtful. Not cool.
There I go again. I thought you’d like it. Mixing it up with the boys here.
Yeah well, if we’d wanted an asshole we would have hired Scott Rudin.
Okay, okay, gotcha.
So Amy what’s your first column going to be about?
It’s going to be called Kim Jong Un is Big Fat Whiny Bitch.
Amy Pascal’s new column will be published every Sunday on www.thestudioexec.com
LONDON – Pregnant British royal Kate Middleton will use the twins to save the day from the escalating tensions between Sony Pictures and North Korea.
Maybe in a bid to show the old gal it’s time for another woman to lead the Commonwealth, Prince William’s lady wife Kate Middleton announced she will single-handedly resolve the conflict over Hollywood comedy The Interview by naming their brewing twins Sony and Kim in honor of the electronics giants and its current nemesis, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. The effort, she feels, will significantly dampen the current climate of anger and mistrust by immortalizing those two names side by side for eternity.
Prince William, speaking EXCLUSIVELY with The Studio Exec, explained the Royal decision.
Britain civilized the world, and will keep doing so for as long as it takes. Luckily, Kanye West gave his spawn such a colossally ridiculous handle that no other baby name henceforth will ever sound idiotic. That left us free to use our own progeny in forcing those two entities to stop acting like Kanye on his honeymoon and look at the bigger picture: A Seth Rogen comedy is no laughing matter, but for far different reasons.
The next in line to the throne declined to comment on how this decision would impact their son George, whom sources inside Buckingham palace say is already planning a use of his future siblings to swede the film at the center of this whole situation. Prince William did however convey his satisfaction with the pregnancy so far, citing the positive impact the twins are having on the “other twins”.
No word yet on possible terrorism threats from the alleged hackers to stop Kate from releasing the twins.
HOLLYWOOD – The North Korean National Defence Commission issued a statement in response to President Obama and the FBI’s contention that they sponsored the Sony hack.
This is the statement in full:
Strange thing that happened in the heart of the U.S., the ill-famed cesspool of injustice, is now afloat in the world as shocking news. Sony the biggest producer of film and movie things has been hacked by the righteous opponents of Terrorist film, The Interview. President Obama is doing things, pulling off people who had nothing to with it and Mike Myers the Austin Powers man who plays his own nemesis was on SNL, proving once more that the funny things that come out from the front of his face are not as funny as he thought they were when he sat on his own in a room and thought about funny face front spewings. The US have sunk in their quagmire.
All of this came about because James Franco and Seth Rogen made a filmogram which viciously and evilly attacked the supreme leader of a sovereign nation – we’re talking Kim Jong-un here in case you were thinking, ‘what?’ First off, Pineapple Express was totally awesome and the DPRK would be totally blissful if they were to make a sequel of the stoner comedy highlight entertainment. But, no. Instead, they use their powers for comedy good, for political evil and make The Interview. We know for a fact that President Barack Obama directed the film in person, and even had his own chair with ‘Director – Barack Obama’ written on the back, for reals. This film includes a very funny scene of Seth Rogen sticking something up his posterior seat. If only Mr. Rogen had stuck up more things up his posterior seat and spent less time trying to make the commentary on the politics he knows nothing about.
Fortunately, film distributors in all the US states including Canada, which is the biggest US state, have banned the film, because they didn’t think it was any good. Likewise Sony have withdrawn it and this is all because of the work of The Guardians of the Galaxy. Chris Pratt can expect a nice big pie being brought to his room along with flowers of his choosing, courtesy of North Korea and the NBA’s Dennis Rodman.
The best thing that everyone could do now is like chill and stop with the who hacked who and all that confusion and worry. We at the DPRK are willing to let the things that go by to continue to have gone by without calling them back, if Sony agree to make a new Police Academy movie starring our Supreme Leader, side-by-side with Steve Guttenberg, but Steve Guttenberg will now have to be the sidekick. Because that is only what is right. Denis Rodman can do funny noises with his mouth and Chris Pratt can be in it too.
The U.S. should reflect on its evil doings that put itself in such a trouble, apologize to the Koreans and other people of the world and should not dare pull off others.
For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.
NEW YORK – The Supreme Leader of the Democratic Republic of Korea, feared dictator and former member of the Axis of Evil, Kim Jong-un will be hosting the next edition of NBC’s comedy sketch show Saturday Night Live.
The announcement came as something of a surprise as The Skeleton Twins actor Bill Hader had previously been announced as the host on that day but it was revealed that he had pulled out following intervention by the North Koreans. Hader’s agent publicly stated the actor had ‘a previous commitment to living’.
It is thought that Kim Jong-un will seek to replicate his hilarious appearance of two years ago where he dueted with eighties pop singer Kim Wilde on a comedy version of French Kissing in the USA and did a series of sketches featuring Kim Jong-Kardashian, a character that his serene eminence had written himself and which concluded with him meeting the real Kim Kardashian.
However New York Times TV critic, Max Belliferontus, warns viewers not to expect such heights of comic brilliance to be repeated:
That was a once in a lifetime cultural moment, like Susan Boyle singing for the first time or Neil Armstrong landing on the moon. There’s no point even trying to recreate the excitement that surrounded Kim Jong-un’s first appearance also because most of the creative team behind the original show were later found dead at the bottom of an elevator shaft in the Dakota Hotel. But what we can expect is some brilliant character work, some incisive political satire and a warm hearted buffoonery that has made Kim Jong-un so beloved of audiences and the only natural heir of the sadly departed Col. Gaddafi, who by the way is still a big hit on YouTube.
Kim Jong-un will be appearing on Saturday Night Live throughout the next twelve months and you will find it funny.
HOLLYWOOD – Sony are rushing three biopics about the life of our glorious leader Kim Jong Un, the Supreme Commander of North Korea, into production in the hope that this will appease the Guardians of Peace.
A spokesperson for Sony said that they had known nothing about The Interview and don’t even think it actually got made. She told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
You know Seth and James both toke the medical marijuana, so there’s a good chance they just smoked the budget and stayed in bed and then pretended to do the film. Those production stills look like Photoshop to me. Anyway that’s all bridge under the water now. What I want to talk about is how excited and thrilled we are to be making something that is finally going to give the world a more balanced view of Kim Jong-Un who, here at Sony, we revere kind of like a God.
So what films are in production?
We have Young Jong. This is going to be a co-production with Pixar and will feature the voice talent of Zac Efron as the Divine Leader when he was only a child. Here we’ll see how Jong was worshipped by his classmates and teachers and how he helped an old man fly a house with balloons.
That sounds like Up.
Yeah, we used some of the Up footage and out takes, but in this version the old man will largely be a passenger and it’s Jong-Un who does everything, as actually happened in real reality.
What else you got?
Next up we have Daniel Day Lewis in a new film directed by Steven Spielberg called Jong-Un. This is more a worthy historical biopic which will show Jong-Un in the crisis period of his life when his father was on the verge of death.
Will Daniel Day Lewis be employing his usual method technique to portray Jong-Un?
He already has been. You remember this year when no one had seen Jong-Un for a few months and then he came back but he was limping… well, I better not say anything else, but he was limping with his left foot, if you catch my drift.
Got it. And finally…?
And finally we have The Expendables 4. Kim Jong-Un has always been a big Sylvester Stallone fan and Stallone is making a new Expendables film but this time the ageing mercenaries are called by a new charismatic leader to go to war with the evil empire of South Korea. Sylvester and Statham don’t have much to do in this film. They’re captured in the first act and it’s Kim Jong-Un who does all the fighting, killing literally millions and millions of people in an attempt to rescue them.
For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.
HOLLYWOOD – James Franco and Seth Rogen’s film The Interview is to be followed by a further two films to complete a trilogy, Sony announced today, surprisingly not via a hacked email.
A spokesperson for the studio said that initially Sony had been lukewarm about the film and neither Seth Rogen nor James Franco had been keen on a follow up:
This was to be a one off political satire, but following all the stress that we’ve gone through courtesy of Guardians of the Peace, a North Korean cyber attack, we thought f*ck it, we might as well go for it now, if only to piss those bastards off.
The remarkably candid spokesperson went on:
You see what the hack represents isn’t some freedom of speech thing like Wikileaks or Edward Snowden. Nor is it some exercise in web freedom and subversion. No, rather this is a form of censorship via extortion. They are basically saying don’t go after us or we can sabotage your entire operation. And if we let it go at that, then what other regime might try similar tactics? When will we get a satirical film about China’s human rights record or Russia’s? Or for that matter a documentary or serious drama? So that’s why we say, listen here Kim Jong Un, you asshole, stop behaving like a dick, or we’re just going to keep getting Franco and Rogen to go after you again and again.
The Interview: Kim Jong Un will be followed by The Interview: Kim Jong Deux and The Interview: Kim Jong Trois, released in 2015 and 2016 respectively.
HOLLYWOOD – The bells were ringing in North and South Korea today as a deal was finally made that saw a peaceful conclusion to the saber rattling and escalation of tensions of the past few weeks.
And as part of that deal – in perhaps the strangest clause of the treaty – comes the news that Kim Jong Un will be starring in the sequel to the Pixar smash Up. Up 2: Benevolent Leader Sores Above Evil will also be the first live action film that the animation studio has produced.
Director Bob Peterson said today:
No one here at Pixar is really happy about this but we got a phone call from the President early this morning and it became clear that war was imminent if some solution wasn’t found. Spielberg had already categorically denied any wish to make a stand alone Short Round movie and so it was left to us. The movie will be what it is, but the important thing is we averted a conflict that could have cost millions of lives and not many movie studios can make that claim. Except Fox but they’d be lying.
Scribes were busy thrashing out character arcs and plot points late into the night, but it seems that the synopsis they’ve come up with sees Wilderness Explorer Russell now as a grown man and Supreme Leader of the World Federation. When evil rears its ugly head as Warlord StickyBack Lobarma, Russell is called on to stare benignly into the middle distance with the help of his talking dog and a curmudgeonly old South Korean (Jim Burgess) who keeps – hilariously – falling into open sewers and breaking limbs.
Up 2: Benevolent Leader Sores Above Evil is due out on Xmas day.
|Location of Chuck
GUAM – Early this morning Chuck Norris was dispatched to Guam, in the North West Pacific Ocean, and will be ready to be launched in a matter of hours according to our Pentagon sources.
‘This is not an empty gesture,’ said a source close to Chuck Hagel. ‘We are looking at North Korea’s increasingly belligerent stance and Norris is exactly the kind of precaution that any sensible President would like to have at hand.’
The move comes in response to a startling proliferation of nuclear activity on the North Korean border and noises from regional players Russia and China that an attack on US bases in Japan was a distinct possibility. An observer argued:
|Got a Horsie Loves to Ride-y
There is very little that we know about what is actually going on inside North Korea. Rumors have it that Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, was angered by K.Pop sensation PSY and the popularity of the South Korean singer’s Gangnam Style, when his own single ‘Got A Horsie Love to Ride-y’ languishes at number 78 in the North Korean charts, despite being a totalitarian despot.
The truth is the song is weak and has a chorus that is instantly forgettable. Some, however, have criticized the Obama administration for deploying Norris without first considering other options. ‘Steve Guttenberg is free,’ said Sen. John McCain.